tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post3982038848234158533..comments2024-02-22T02:15:01.912-08:00Comments on The Narcissistic Continuum: About my Nephew: the runawayCZBZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-59462054567916910652010-07-11T22:24:59.569-07:002010-07-11T22:24:59.569-07:00My son has a friend who is obsequious to a painful...My son has a friend who is obsequious to a painful degree. This young lad (17) has an N mother and is an only child. You can imagine what sort of person he is. <br /><br />He spent five days with us recently, and during that time, my three kids and my husband were incredibly stressed, yet none of us knew why. My husband was throwing tantrums, something he rarely does, for no reason, my daughter was being extra loud and giggly (this guy is an attractive person after all), and I was bending over backwards to be nice to this kid. Even my son, this kids best friend, was unnusually quiet.<br /><br />This kid CONSTANTLY thanked me for every little thing I did for him, agreed with everything I said, even when I was telling the boys off for swearing, etc. I put it down to having to live with an N mother. I know what that was like. You become real good at sucking upto adults to avoid any conflict.<br /><br />Yet, there was something so fake about the boy, and we none of us could put our fingers on it. We just figured he was trying too hard.<br /><br />On the day he left, he presented me with two gifts. One was a packet of moisturiser and hand-soap which had been very obviously re-gifted, and wrapped very tightly by his mother in used floral paper. The other was a bag of the most repulsive chocolate and candy I had ever tasted, we ended up throwing both gifts out.<br /><br />I remembered the old thing about Ns being notoriously bad gift givers. There it was all over again.<br /><br />It wasn't until this boy left, that we collectively heaved a sigh of relief, and realised that the influence in our home had been that of one more narcissist. Whether it was just vicariously through this boy's mother, or through his own mimicry of her narcissism, or even his own budding narcissism, we know now, after having to jetison our own mothers, on both sides, for their malignant narcissism, that we can no longer tolerate this behaviour in our house ever again.<br /><br />The only thing that bugs me now is how quickly my son managed to gravitate to this boy. I spoke to him afterwards about his friend's behaviour, and fortunately, my son had already recognised it. I take it their facebook communication has dropped off a bit lately too. Maybe the experience of five days with a teenage narcissist wasn't without its benefits after all.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-89956912233941687792010-06-22T10:42:45.716-07:002010-06-22T10:42:45.716-07:00Hi Dogkisses!
I will pop right over to your blog ...Hi Dogkisses!<br /><br />I will pop right over to your blog right now! Lucky me...I have some time to sit at my computer this morning!<br /><br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-4996687040407356662010-06-22T10:35:23.580-07:002010-06-22T10:35:23.580-07:00Hi CZ--
I gave you a little gift on my blog. You...Hi CZ-- <br /> I gave you a little gift on my blog. You don't have to do anything with it. It's a way to say thank you.<br /> dogkisses.<br /><br />Oh, the post is titled, "Warrior Women with Blogs Award."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-31306405311983952532010-06-15T11:42:02.837-07:002010-06-15T11:42:02.837-07:00Hello, girl-from-Europe! What a pleasure to know y...Hello, girl-from-Europe! What a pleasure to know you are reading my blog AND that you are finding answers that help you manage your life.<br /><br />we all have burdens and it doesn't matter where we live, does it? There's the super-special burden of the narcissistic relationship though which seems to be a Universal problem even if it's characterized differently according to our culture.<br /><br />One thing about narcissists that I'll dare to say is Universal:<br /><br />They are swirling, twirling and dust-billowing tornadoes. No woman meets a narcissist without being lifted clean off her feet, landing bottoms up in Oz. You can pretty much spot a narcissistic relationship a mile off...just look for the dust!<br /><br />I hope you find useful information here and can work through the aftermath of the N-relatioNship. At some point, and it might take awhile, you will be OUT of that relationship, the air will be clear and fresh and you won't have to worry about flying through the sky anymore.<br /><br />Thanks for being here. It helps me to know that other people can relate to my writing, too. It keeps ME from feeling isolated in a lifestory more bizarre than fiction. ((hugs))<br /><br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-85612279684154776642010-06-15T11:31:41.337-07:002010-06-15T11:31:41.337-07:00"Some people think a person with schizophreni..."Some people think a person with schizophrenia doesn't feel empathy when he or she isn't showing emotions. I read where it is more like this: The person is feeling everything. Nothing is being filtered out of his environment. The person's brain is taking everything in all at once and this can result in what appears to be a lack of emotions, when it is really such a large dose that the brain must find ways to deal with the overload of information being processed. I think it's like a computer when you try to do too many things at once on it."<br /><br />I really really like your description here, Dogkisses. Makes a lot of sense and applies to my nephew, too.<br /><br />When someone acts in ways we don't understand, we easily leap to an explanation. Like not having empathy or not caring or being self-centered or whatever. <br /><br />I used to think my nephew was self-absorbed like a narcissist, for example. That's not 'it' exactly. He is withdrawn at times because he is overwhelmed by sensory information. It's what he does when there is Too Much Information (as you've written). <br /><br />His withdrawing behavior is NOT a control tactic like it is for the manipulative narcissist.<br /><br />Narcissists withdraw to GET A REACTION from other people. That's an important distinction to make. If the narcissist withdraws, other people curry up close and personal asking what they can do to make them feel better or worse yet, WHAT DID THEY DO to make the narcissist withdraw!<br /><br />I hope your son will eventually come to peace with his diagnosis. It's such a shame how we have stigmatized mental illness, making it doubly hard for people who are affected by mental illnesses. I hope those of us who advocate for people with mental illnesses will be able to make a difference. <br /><br /><br />big hugs to you and your son,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-79915684702718943242010-06-13T14:13:44.663-07:002010-06-13T14:13:44.663-07:00thank you so much for your blog...i'm a girl f...thank you so much for your blog...i'm a girl from europe, so please don't mind my bad english..i started to read your blog when i felt that something wasn't quite right in my relationship..so i found all my answers here. and it helped a lot.<br />m.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-54717437401237799192010-06-13T06:37:25.209-07:002010-06-13T06:37:25.209-07:00Hi CZ,
Wow! What an awesome post. I can relate in...Hi CZ,<br /> Wow! What an awesome post. I can relate in several ways. <br /> I sure wish you'd been my sister and my son's aunt about 14 years ago, or better, while I was in the hospital after giving birth to my son. <br /> As to labels, I agree that they are much better than what seems to be the alternative, which is to call a troubled person lazy or incompetent -- or think this of yourself. <br /> Personally, before I found a good psychologist, I didn't know what to think about why I didn't seem to feel happy like other people did or why I felt the ways I did. It was the understanding I gained in sessions with that psychologist that saved my life. Once I saw that what was happening to me was actually quite a normal and common response to the life events I'd survived, the experiences became lesser demons to fight. <br /> Even though I'd learned a lot about my demons, when my son was struck with a mental illness, I was not equipped with the knowledge I wish I'd had. When I learned what I was facing (and ultimately, what my son was facing), I still had no clue as to the seriousness of it. I didn't have an internet connection until a year later, which is when I began learning to spell the word, schizophrenia.<br /> Writing that word is difficult. Very difficult. I wish it wasn't so. My son does not claim it. Some say I'm doing him a great injustice by saying it myself. Others say just the opposite.<br /> I'm the "http://dogkisses.wordpress.com/2010/06/02/the-fence-sitter/" regarding this.<br /> There are certain symptoms of schizophrenia that remind me of characteristics of NPD. Recovering in the aftermath of a toxic relationship with a malignant narcissist, caused me to need a better understanding of these similarities. <br /> I learned, from my favorite medical professional in the field of psychiatry, that these symptoms I can see are not character issues as they are in NPD. <br /> Schizophrenia is a thought disorder. Disorganized thinking is kind of like a room where the clothes get put into the toy box instead of the closet. Information gets stored in the wrong places. And this is very different than with NPD.<br /> Some people think a person with schizophrenia doesn't feel empathy when he or she isn't showing emotions. I read where it is more like this: The person is feeling everything. Nothing is being filtered out of his environment. The person's brain is taking everything in all at once and this can result in what appears to be a lack of emotions, when it is really such a large dose that the brain must find ways to deal with the overload of information being processed. I think it's like a computer when you try to do too many things at once on it. <br /> Reading your article, then the list, helped me even more to understand that my son has a wonderful heart, that he is a kind person, and he cares maybe a little more than is good for him. And, in fact, he needs a little dose of feeling or knowing that he deserves good things and opportunities in life the same as anyone else does. <br /> Thanks for your wonderful writing. I look forward to your next post.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-32969245267728922772010-06-12T13:34:04.636-07:002010-06-12T13:34:04.636-07:00Dear Geneva,
You are on my mind and I hope my nex...Dear Geneva,<br /><br />You are on my mind and I hope my next post offers better help dealing with self-destructive kids. Both of my adult children went through a dark period in their lives including drugs, alcohol and other addictive behaviors. <br /><br />We have come through that storm, too and they are each back on track with their lives. <br /><br />I attended Alanon to help me cope with their antics and it comforted me to know other parents were facing similar problems with their kids. Some of the advice was very helpful. Some was not. At least going to Alanon gave me options when I felt like there was nothing i could do to change the mess we were in...together.<br /><br />Cuz whether you want to be in the mess with them or not, you ARE if you love them! <br /><br />I will post very soon with a follow-up including my experience with two kids whose self-esteem was in the proverbial toilet. <br /><br />As I wrote to Louise, I wanted to write about my nephew after those initial posts about his runaway fugue but I felt incompetent to do so. While he appeared to be a budding psychopath, it didn't line up with other behaviors. Finally, perhaps I can write more clearly and hopefully, offer insight into parenting difficult kids.<br /><br />You are right though, it was Tough Love when we refused to visit him in juvenile detention. HOWEVER, the real tough love was what I learned to do with my own children several years ago. My experience with them (and the positive outcome) encouraged me to do the same thing with my nephew. <br /><br />So far, everything the psychologist told us to do was THE RIGHT THING TO DO. <br /><br />Amazing how many parents cart homemade cupcakes to their little delinquents in the jail cell. That's our initial reaction: to tell them how much we love them. I do wonder if the reason some of those parents show 'caring and concern' at that point is because they feel Guilty or Responsible? It's a way for parents to feel better about themselves?<br /><br />It's pretty hard to know your kid is sitting in jail and tolerate your guilt for failing them as a parent. But if you buy into that line of thinking, kids will continue blaming YOU as the reason for their choices. If you'll pick up their guilt for them, they'll be happy to let you!<br /><br />And the DRAMA continues and the self-destruction, too.<br /><br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-63807663760375605482010-06-12T13:21:06.129-07:002010-06-12T13:21:06.129-07:00Thank you, Louise! I haven't written much abou...Thank you, Louise! I haven't written much about my nephew and the problems we've faced raising him but perhaps it is time. I had to be as clear as possible and yes, some of his behavior appeared to be 'narcissistic'. <br /><br />At this point, maybe I can write more cogently about the narcissistic disorder and how it differs from autism. We have a lot to learn about autism but rest assured: we are up to the task!<br /><br />Why? Because we love him...warts and all. <br /><br />Hugs and love back,<br /><br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-50641046006555873492010-06-12T10:03:51.243-07:002010-06-12T10:03:51.243-07:00CZ thanks for the indepth analysis and for the lis...CZ thanks for the indepth analysis and for the list of characteristics. It is so difficult to watch a child or young adult do destructive things which you know they will come to regret or hope they will come to regret. Sometimes it seems as though they are in the grip of something almost beyond their ability to control. The very tough love that you demonstrated must have been a difficult decision but the right one. Thanks so much for sharing all of your knowledge and experience.<br />Hugs to you too :)<br />GenevaGenevanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-4989420085762922992010-06-10T19:40:30.855-07:002010-06-10T19:40:30.855-07:00CZ -- your wisdom, patience and compassion never c...CZ -- your wisdom, patience and compassion never cease to inspire me.<br /><br />Hugs and love,<br /><br />LouiseLouise Gallagherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13522775693728655487noreply@blogger.com