tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post7993998147028004103..comments2024-02-22T02:15:01.912-08:00Comments on The Narcissistic Continuum: Why It's Hard to Heal: The significance of validationCZBZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comBlogger41125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-8996652181379909272017-04-01T04:01:29.456-07:002017-04-01T04:01:29.456-07:00Thank you, CZ. It's taken a while to get to so...Thank you, CZ. It's taken a while to get to some understanding of the inexplicable cat-and-mouse games (and feeling like a marionette - and a floppy, exhausted one at that). The internet is very helpful but it's necessary to be selective in what to believe as a lot of sites and forums seem highly emotive and, well, extreme in that they can breed bitterness and anger which impedes healing and deeper understanding. <br /><br />When you're 'in it', though, when unwittingly being played and have your head in the lions mouth - with eyes wide shut - it is so mind bendingly confusing...a and social forums have their place for ranting, raving and for justified anger. <br /><br />I do have to let it out. It does help to write.<br /><br />When the penny dropped that someone I loved has this condition I had a twofold reaction. Firstly, enormous relief in a way, that the inexplicable confusion had an underlying cause. A eureka moment. That's it...wow. It was very consoling. Secondly, memory flood gates opened of incidents that represented 'classic' narcissistic ploys that left me riddled with self-doubt and bedraggled, and I never knew why. Was like being very gradually dragged through a dark hedge backwards. The first and second reactions were swiftly followed by anger (that I was so naïve and daft to have enabled myself to be positioned in this way)and then sadness.<br /><br />It's SO very refreshing to come across your site. Having browsed it a little it's an enormous help in understanding narcissism as a condition or way of behaving and as a continuum. I know I will gain a more measured and deeper understanding of it by reading the advice, articles and experiences on here and hopefully helping others in some way who have been in a lions den. (I like lions, so that's an unfair analogy...lions do bond!). <br /><br />Thank you CZ. Thank you for hope, objectivity and enabling invaluable sharing of experiences. You do offer enormous relief.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-26488927703497322372017-03-31T12:04:21.676-07:002017-03-31T12:04:21.676-07:00Thank you for reading and validating my experience...Thank you for reading and validating my experience! Writing has been a valuable way to understand my experience but when someone like yourself can relate, too, well, the world shrinks to a friendly size and we become a little more human through our connection. <br /><br />People who've met an honest-to-gosh narcissist (not the "imagined" version being touted today), it's something they never forget. It just makes no sense, the way someone with a NPD perceives reality and the way they behave. I think one of the most devastating consequences of someone with a NPD is their inability to "bond". Oh, they can connect, they can attach--kinda like a barnacle on a ship---but they do not bond. <br /><br />I think "bonding" requires an emotional surrender. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to risk being rejected--something narcissistic people are fearful of. Because this is what we do, we assume everyone else does, too. We believe each interaction, each conversation, each memory we have with this person is building an emotional bond we can trust to hold us together--no matter our disagreements, no matter our differences. It is a shock to discover we can be replaced or dismissed as easily as swatting a mosquito.<br /><br />People with narcissistic personalities can be extremely convincing when we rely on them for emotional support, when we're sharing our deepest grief and sorrows. They appear to be empathizing in a way other people might be "undone" by our emotional pain. We tend to be fooled because it is unlikely that we've encountered anyone like this before and so we base our trust on prior relationships with people who were not NPD. <br /><br />Narcissists are able to empathize. This is important to remember because when we tell our story to people, they can shake our confidence by saying we were not being empathized with---that narcissists can't empathize. We now know that narcissists are "selective" in offering empathy to people as long as they're getting something they want.<br /><br />The bad news is that once they are not getting what they want or perhaps they're no longer interested in us, they can turn off empathy like turning off the coffeepot. It's the cold and distanced response that drives people to the internet for information because we simply cannot understand what happened.<br /><br />I hope you are feeling better but if you need to talk about your experience, feel free to comment. I love so much, offering relief to people. It gives meaning and purpose to one of the saddest experiences of my life. <br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-61490887461557487602017-03-31T11:11:16.722-07:002017-03-31T11:11:16.722-07:00Thank you for this. So very helpful. I've been...Thank you for this. So very helpful. I've been cruising alongside a truck of a narcissist for around 15 years and from around the 7th year wondered what was wrong. Instinct told me something was not right but I could not pin point what it was. It is only recently, following a particularly aggressive incident (following a period of calm) and the truck hit that I began to research NPD and that was a life changing moment for me. Things fell into place in that my reading gave some kind of explanation around what I had been increasingly experiencing over the years. For example, inexplicable silences (that made me self-question and look for how I'd offended),cyclic punishments, lack of empathy, lack of intimacy, 'mask' like behaviour, such that I never knew what persona to expect or why there was a knot in my stomach much of the time, false smiles, finishing my sentences, switching conversation to himself, compartmentalising his life, offering to do jobs and making a real bamboozle of them, expecting praise and compliments, but never ever returning them, or saying 'thank you', invading personal space and then silent watching...of me and of others. I could go on. I am not, fortunately, married to him but he has been around since the death of my husband. We met when I was highly vulnerable. I am now 55, no children, or siblings, and have come to rely upon him for psychological and emotional security. Attempting to talk to someone and explain what has occurred is very difficult indeed and it seems that only people who have been through forms of emotional abuse can identify and relate. It has been 6 weeks since I last saw him and I do so agree with the advice that you have offered - especially in terms of taking good care of yourself and keeping busy. I loved reading the above and appreciated the humour. Humour does help to heal. Thank you so much.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-82651812405063729172017-02-09T15:11:28.786-08:002017-02-09T15:11:28.786-08:00"Validation for me would be for my narc ex to..."Validation for me would be for my narc ex to validate what he did, or didn't do, that destroyed our marriage and almost destroyed me."<br /><br /><br />Well that's not gonna happen. If he could do that, he wouldn't be "a narcissist." If he could do that, he'd feel terrible enough about hurting you that he'd have stopped himself before the marriage ended. The thing about someone with a narcissistic personality that makes a relationship so complicated is that they believe their behavior is warranted...they believe they are justified to "defend" themselves; they are entitled to have/do whatever they want and the "lack of remorse and guilt" means they're exploitative. But you already know this, I'm sure! <br /><br />For some pathological narcissists, they'd find pleasure in telling you they were aware of their abuse. And even after admitting they were the cause of your mental breakdown and eventual divorce, they'd be watching your face for signs of misery and pain. These are the sadists and they're a nasty bunch...the last thing you wanna do is give them the pleasure of your pain. <br /><br />But I understand that "he" took something from you and is obligated to at least admit it. In normal relationships, this admission might be called "closure" but that requires two responsible people's honesty about the mistakes each of them made that caused the demise of their relationships. It's one of those stumbling blocks for a lot of people who can't seem to move on without some kind of closure. They eventually find a way to "move on" after talking with other people who've experienced the same thing. That's where validation-from-others plays a valuable role in healing.<br /><br />Not that many people are able to use "No Contact" to protect themselves from the emotional and psychological fall-out of the N-relationship. People find unique and creative ways to "block" the narcissist's criticisms and accusations. I have never been a No Contact Nazi (LOL!) so believe me, you're talking to the choir about that. <br /><br />Take care!<br />CZ CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-82695755227131758702017-02-08T23:34:06.829-08:002017-02-08T23:34:06.829-08:00As a victim of over 30 years of NPD abuse from my ...As a victim of over 30 years of NPD abuse from my now estranged (and getting a divorce from) husband, I feel that I'm quite experienced in just about anything and everything a NPD husband is capable of doing.<br />Unfortunately for me, I had never heard the term "NPD" until "AFTER"; AFTER 30 years of being abused, <br />AFTER uncountable horrible things were said and done to me,<br />AFTER who knows how many or what lies were told, and then more lies to cover those lies,<br />AFTER the years and years of gas lighting,<br />AFTER having to go the mental hospital with "Acute Mental Psychosis" (commonly known - but not medically recognized - as a nervous breakdown),<br />AFTER having to go to the emergency room with a blood pressure of 223/95 from my NPD estranged husband telling me he was going to return home regardless of me having a restraining order against him,<br />AFTER a year of psychotherapy via the internet because I've developed agoraphobia and have extreme difficulty leaving my home,<br />AFTER a year of seeing a psychiatrist that I can barely manage to get to since I have to leave my home,<br />AFTER, AFTER, AFTER.<br />So, if you don't mind my saying so, the title of this post was somewhat misleading for me. <br />Even though I gained valuable information, I was expecting to read about the kind of validation that we victims need from the narc that abused us.<br />And even though I know that that's impossible, I think that other victims also need to know this.<br />I do completely agree that victims need validation from others, particularly those closest to them, in order to give them comfort in knowing that those people don't blame them for what happened.<br />But I guess at my age (almost 60), validation from others isn't at the top of my priority list.<br />Validation for me would be for my narc ex to validate what he did, or didn't do, that destroyed our marriage and almost destroyed me.<br />And yes, I'm fully aware that this will never happen, or that if it does it's a fleeting moment that will soon go back to him turning the tables to everything being my fault.<br />And perhaps you've addressed this topic in another post, but if not I think it's extremely imperative for other victims to come to the realization that validation from the narc isn't going to happen and no amount of effort to get it ever will.<br />I would also like to mention that if "no contact" were an option for me, that would be ideal. However, for numerous reasons (that I won't get in to here), I'm not able to maintain "no contact" at this point and I'm sure there are other victims that have to maintain contact with their narc.<br />And with that in mind, I had to figure out a way to stay one step ahead of the mental "game" his NPD must constantly play, and I've done so with great success in keeping myself from being a victim any longer.<br />Of course anyone familiar with NPD knows that there's no "winning" the narc game, but it's still fun to see how long it takes him to figure out where he's going to move his next chess piece.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-50446569239137863772016-12-20T16:55:33.784-08:002016-12-20T16:55:33.784-08:00Thank you for this.
How do I fit into this, cz? I...Thank you for this.<br /><br />How do I fit into this, cz? I have half blamed myself not only for the abuse (because he was married), but for the abandonment of my (his) son. And being triangulated, his wife enables him to do this (as I enabled his affair), and blames me as well for 'preying on his vulnerabilities'. I had no idea what that meant until I asked him and he said 'I don't know - giving me attention or something'. The last thing she texted me before I blocked them all (after trying to tell her he has NPD) was 'well you shouldn't have got involved with a married man'. This means 'your abuse is legitimate because you intentionally set out to hurt me' - another thing she said previously. But I never did - I just believed everything he said - and that he was a victim. Naive, foolish, stupid. My son is here, he made it, but I grieve for his loss every day and I'm angry that they can both get away with such a sham. Except the money part. But that's not love for my son. That's not a father and grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and sisters and brothers. I know his family is narcissistic by what he's said, and so it doesn't matter what happens - love just isn't going to come from them and it's such a loss.<br /><br />I am victimised twice over (by both of them). I look at this as fair because I was triangulated to hurt her. But it's not fair because I didn't understand the game, I was used as well, and I don't know how to stop beating myself up about it. I do appreciate that I got away, and I do appreciate in some respects that she protects us - even if she doesn't realise it.<br /><br />Marriage doesn't protect people from becoming victims. We had a 'fairytale love' like you did "oh, I love our philosophical conversations" he'd say to me - so did I - but it was all fake. That's another grief entirely. Do we really make a choice to choose our realities if the narcissist reads you so well they can disarm your choice? Put you under a spell and tell you everything you need to hear so you forget your integrity and jump on board? I have integrity - I needed to go through this to realise how my integrity is really important to me - but can I forgive myself for the pain it's inflicted on her, on myself, and perhaps, on my son? He's innocent, and yet his father can never love him. I need to heal. 🙏kghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14980631694416085489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-18943501567475590692015-07-06T15:45:54.813-07:002015-07-06T15:45:54.813-07:00Hello Anonymous! I'm so glad to have written s...Hello Anonymous! I'm so glad to have written something that helps you! It's really awful how people "blame" the victim of infidelity, as if "we" own half the responsibility for their decision. Why people feel it necessary to "kick" someone when they are obviously "down", baffles me. Is it honestly that hard to empathize with us? Do they really think their "insight" is so crucial and valuable that we haven't considered "blaming ourselves"? Who made them Doctor Phil? <br /><br />People seem to hate "victims" these days. Instead of opening their hearts to someone who has been betrayed, they use their special television-psychology-skills to educate us. <br /><br />I hope you're getting through this with your self-esteem in tact. It's pretty rough. I won't lie about that. It surprised me how Pathetic I felt at the time. But THIS too SHALL Pass. Remember that. The person of worth and value and esteem, is the one who does NOT betray his/her partner. No matter what crap society tries to tell us is "normal", infidelity is traumatic for partners and children. It is wrong and in my view, it's abusive.<br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZ CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-74063743573135540132015-07-05T11:40:56.709-07:002015-07-05T11:40:56.709-07:00Thank you, I need this...so much. My best friends ...Thank you, I need this...so much. My best friends have been judgmental and cold, telling me "You must admit your role/part in the breakdown of the marriage.", "It takes two to tango.", "Are you saying you're not to be blamed? No one is faultless.", and "We're all sinners.", etc. to convince me that it is I, not my charming N husband, who is the one with the problem. I can't blame them, I was going mad with the gaslighting, the constant shifting of factual reality, the abusive devaluation and denigration, I was almost suicidal. Yet in a situation of bullying, it's the victim who suffers, breaks down and commits suicide. I find it stunning how difficult for Nons to grasp the nature of an N. Anon Adrift.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-4989456940246445512014-12-30T11:48:37.737-08:002014-12-30T11:48:37.737-08:00(((anonymous))) thank you for being here with me a...(((anonymous))) thank you for being here with me and validating my experience, too.<br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-32244609036397921332014-12-25T21:09:46.347-08:002014-12-25T21:09:46.347-08:00In the last five minutes, I've been hit once a...In the last five minutes, I've been hit once again by the effects of my 33 years marriage to a narcissist. I'm once again asking myself how all my 'friends' can believe all the lies he's feeding them about me. No one ever questions any of it. I needed to read this, right now, this moment. Thank you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-60666115104263301442014-08-12T10:32:55.287-07:002014-08-12T10:32:55.287-07:00Has it been five years already? I didn't reali...Has it been five years already? I didn't realize...but thank you for pointing that out. It takes a lot of time and effort working through the many ways we were told we were worthless. Or replaceable. <br /><br />Like yourself, I learned by trial-and-error, to keep explanations "simple" with people who had not been initiated into the ugly world of abuse. Their 'invalidation' did more harm than good; sending me into spirals of self-blame for not being able to "get over it" or "grow out of it."<br /><br />I have to dig deep cuz I'm a deep digger...I cannot accept a simple answer to a complex problem just because it makes other people feel comfortable (by maintaining the status quo). I have learned to dig deep smarter by not expecting people with [plastic trowels to accompany my archaeological excavations requiring a backhoe and a fine-toothed comb. ha!<br /><br />Love to you, too<br />CZ<br />CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-62021573076050999592014-08-11T05:39:15.518-07:002014-08-11T05:39:15.518-07:00Even 5 years after your original post,.....I could...Even 5 years after your original post,.....I could hug you! I could read a post a day and it would be the BEST therapy I could get...and free, too!<br /><br />Validation. that's a biggie. I have looked into the eyes of the foos, and they are dead. They have no compassion about the abuse of a mother and a predator uncle. they just...don't. so, I have learned NOT to talk to people outside of these groups of Anti-Narcissists. My validation is finally understanding what ns do...and the destruction that they so easily wrought.<br /><br />And your blog has been key in all my recovery...along with my aging therapist who is a mother figure to me more than anything. those of us who have been deprived of a mother because of narcissism have an incredibly deep wound. And perhaps in the same wounding, a husband of many years that reveals themselves to be narcissistic in such a terrible degree.<br /><br />Thank you, CZ.<br /><br />Love, JaneAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-13734943723194546122014-04-04T11:21:35.052-07:002014-04-04T11:21:35.052-07:00Hello marcijeanne,
I love it when people write to...Hello marcijeanne,<br /><br />I love it when people write to me but I hate the reason they're writing to me. Reading so many stories about broken lives and the tremendous effort it takes rebuilding lives, can be painful sometimes. Just mentally add up the hours and years it takes for people to:<br /><br />1) gain an understanding of pathology (information)<br />2) talk with other people about the experience (validation)<br />3) unlearn and relearn and reconstruct ones security and life (integration)<br /><br />I have a really good life right now, probably not one a lot of people would be grateful for, ha! But it suits me because my personality is basically a nurturing and caregiving personality so having several people live with me "works." It's not the future I'd ever intended, yet it's comfortable somehow and everything is okay. I didn't get here easily though. Nor have you or anyone who's life was turned upside-down by a pathological partner who could NOT bond to us the way we bonded to them. We suffer, and they move on to a new woobie blanket. Most people don't understand, which doubles-down our misery since we need validation to give us strength, not "invalidation." (people aren't invalidating us intentionally. They're simply ignorant about pathology. Let's hope they stay that way!)<br /><br />It was not your fault. You did not know what the signs of pathology were because frankly, we weren't taught any signs of pathology. As far as we knew, they were bonding to us, too. And just so you feel a little better about what happened, many therapists have been in contact with me either privately or on our forum. And they were 'trained' in psychology. So truly, pathology is NOT that easy to see---not when you are "in relationship" with them. <br /><br />My hope is that people like ourselves will be able to manage a pathological relationship better when they recognizing the warning signs. At least be able to see the issues belong to the pathological and not themselves! That's where a lot of us prolonged our suffering---believing we owned half the problems or even 100%. Once we understand why the relationship could not grow as expected, then we can forgive ourselves and move forward with our lives. <br /><br />Learning about pathology and toxic relationships has made my life much much better. I'm pleased to hear that my writing has given you hope and I hope you'll drop by from time-to-time to tell me how you're doing!<br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-5601230287848742192014-04-03T08:57:51.415-07:002014-04-03T08:57:51.415-07:00Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us...Thank you so much for sharing your writing with us.<br />I'm 16 months out of a marriage with a narcissist that abandoned me for his BF's wife of 34 years. <br />I've done ok in spite of the pain. Restarted my life, new home, job, friendships. But still feel stuck in the mud and fog of the fallout from the ending of this 20 year relationship. I agree it's so much harder to move past the grief and pain to heal from the heartache left by this narcissists destruction. I feel like I'm the damaged goods. After spending thousands of dollars on therapy & books to tell my mind the reality of what happened wasn't me , I was just hit by a drunk driver like you shared about your daughter's unfortunate experience. At least that's what it seemed like. You've helped me understand that it is harder, I'm a normal loving person that was nailed by a monster. I keep plugging on hoping & praying for the sadness to lift, for color to come back into my world. People tell me to be thankful for all my blessings. I am! I'm so blessed I know. Yet the loneliness and sadness doesn't care, they continue to take up residence where they're not wanted. Thank you for your eloquent writings, they give me hope..... Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-49596476856604210972013-01-07T21:13:34.374-08:002013-01-07T21:13:34.374-08:00"If you are neutral in situations of injustic..."If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality." ~Bishop Desmond Tutu<br /><br />I keep this statement on my Quote page. It's curious that people believe they're taking the moral road when they remain indifferent to injustice. "Well, I'm not gonna get involved."they say. "I'm neutral." <br /><br />AND in fact, they are allowing abuse to continue so they are in effect, a participant. It's a selfish stance, indifference, when someone needs our help. <br /><br />Thanks for bringing up this old post. I haven't thought about my daughter's traffic accident for awhile...but its a perfect example of what happens when people are blindsided, isn't it! <br /><br />Love,<br />CZ<br />CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-7857957121586323672013-01-07T21:04:34.122-08:002013-01-07T21:04:34.122-08:00I'm so sorry Lottie! I didn't see your com...I'm so sorry Lottie! I didn't see your comment until today. And truly, what would I do without you? YOU are a very special woman and your soon-to-be-X-husband is a fool!<br /><br />Love,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-66866187790914493582013-01-07T09:20:09.977-08:002013-01-07T09:20:09.977-08:00Fantastic post CZ. Even three years later, your w...Fantastic post CZ. Even three years later, your words are so relevant to so many situations. This really moved me, especially the narc fallback position (which society reinforces) that it always takes two, the both parties are equally responsible. This is a terribly cruel position for people to take. My narc mother is all about "well look at what you did too, it takes two." My sisters support her. People who stay neutral in situations like those you describe above, in which one person is clearly responsible for the wreck and the is blindsided, don't realize how much additional harm they're inflicting. Sometimes that "neutrality" hurts more than anything. We all need people to stand up for us when we've been blindsided. Otherwise the shape of reality feels distorted, and we run around picking up laundry while dangerous traffic whizes by. love CSCalibans Sisterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04817489284771105048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-25474747954516439872012-11-10T23:20:21.595-08:002012-11-10T23:20:21.595-08:00CZ,
3 years later and this post is still helping ...CZ,<br /><br />3 years later and this post is still helping people.<br /><br />This hit me so strongly today:<br /><br />When we see judgment or indifference in other people’s eyes, we tend to isolate ourselves, withdraw into silence that may lead to depression and prolonged grief. It’s the betrayal or ignorance of the bystander that makes it hard for us to let go of self-blame and move forward. <br /><br />That is exactly what i have been feeling - a fear of that judgement or indifference. I cannot deal with ANY kind of doubt aimed at me. I have been nothing short of soul-raped and I need to be believed.<br /><br />This is so hard. What would I do without you? What you are doing is changing the world. If you can keep going, I must keep going too.<br /><br />Love,<br />LottieAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-24106171275176276902012-10-07T17:00:41.309-07:002012-10-07T17:00:41.309-07:00Thank you so much, writethinkspeak!
(We're s...Thank you so much, writethinkspeak! <br /><br />(We're still working on the problems with our site and its not an easy fix...so send some good vibes our direction, please!)<br /><br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-40758691365103009732012-10-07T15:30:56.983-07:002012-10-07T15:30:56.983-07:00CZ, if the forum hadn't gone down overnight, I...CZ, if the forum hadn't gone down overnight, I might not have ever seen the piece above. It's beautiful, true, balanced, real...so glad to have read it. (Writethinkspeak from WoN)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-59195313661521809322012-07-12T11:37:01.547-07:002012-07-12T11:37:01.547-07:00Of course you are welcome to link my website to yo...Of course you are welcome to link my website to your blog. I appreciate your validation, Kara!<br /><br /><br />Hugs back,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-74775946801674643732012-07-12T07:21:31.288-07:002012-07-12T07:21:31.288-07:00CZ,
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is rea...CZ,<br /><br />Thank you so much for sharing this. It is really helpful. I have put a link to this post on my blog. I hope that's ok. <br /><br />Hugs,<br /><br />KaraKarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14470007362954479373noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-15171701879446159942012-06-22T08:40:50.333-07:002012-06-22T08:40:50.333-07:00Hi HolySnapdragon! What a great name!
People do b...Hi HolySnapdragon! What a great name!<br /><br />People do blame the victim. You're not imagining things. It can even feel blaming when professionals tell us we're guilty too...but guilty of too much kindness???!!! Whoa---send ME to a world that's rife with extra kindness. I'd like to be a permanent resident there. ha!<br /><br />There's been a shift in public tolerance for sad people. A noticeable change in the way we relate to one another. People offer platitudes with "Pretend Empathy". They'll listen to our pain for about ten minutes (as they check their wristwatch) and then say, "It IS what it IS. Now stop messing with my happiness high!"<br /><br />One woman wrote to me and said someone told her she was "messing with her aura". Really? It's 2012, not the sixties! But I know what you're talking about--the idea that friends are supposed to be fun and never make demands or be sad, negative, or blue. There's no time in their busy pursuit of happiness, to listen to someone who's grieving. It's not easy finding friends who can validate your sadness by just being sad 'with you'. <br /><br />After a particularly miserable experience, I wrote an essay titled "Supportive Friends." You may be able to identify with some of my points in that essay, too. You can find it here: http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2010/03/supportive-friends.html<br /><br />Thanks for contributing a comment, HolySnapdragon. It makes me feel better knowing other people share my sentiments, too.<br /><br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-76202695174419368372012-06-22T05:26:47.572-07:002012-06-22T05:26:47.572-07:00this blog is extremely helpful. In looking for res...this blog is extremely helpful. In looking for resolution i feel like im making myself crazy because so much information on the internet talks about how victims use kindness to manipulate. Or characterizing some of the behaviors in your post break up to seem as though you are the damaging one. I know I am a people pleaser, and I know I reacted in strange ways to salvage the insalvagable. Maybe Im not ready to double up on feeling break up pain, along with guilt for being "nice."<br /><br />Your most helpful line so far "I like nice people." and going on to explain you like people who laugh when others laugh and cry when others cry. After something like this happens when you look at sites that talk about emotional vampires and toxic friends, its as if you are not healthy if you need to grieve or even turn to anyone to lean on even a little bit, or else your spreading your negativity. this has been the hardest part...trying to not to isolate myself, but also to not burden others at the same time has turned me into a neurotic basket case, but this site has put me at ease a little mire, thank you.HolySnapdragonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16171462887297708883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-76449184902044002702012-01-15T14:45:55.386-08:002012-01-15T14:45:55.386-08:00Hi lxchel!
If a post is not recent, your comments...Hi lxchel!<br /><br />If a post is not recent, your comments will need to be accepted before posting. That's why you were sending comments and not seeing them appear on my blog. I'm glad you kept trying, though!<br /><br />I will check out your blog...I really look forward to it! Thanks for leaving the link.<br /><br />p.s. You also left a message on "the Three Stages of Healing" if you want to read my reply. <br /><br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.com