tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post8410472013497699422..comments2024-02-22T02:15:01.912-08:00Comments on The Narcissistic Continuum: So you're in recovery. Now how about your sister?CZBZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-66691013505900239542017-08-21T12:25:39.132-07:002017-08-21T12:25:39.132-07:00I do not have a relationship with my sister. I may...I do not have a relationship with my sister. I may do, when N mum goes - but doubtful. She has 'chosen' to go along with The Family View which is that I am/was/will be the problem from which all problems sprang. All of our fathers many verbal cruelties, put-downs and random violence toward her (and me) - WAS ACTUALLY ME. Yes, I was the one that came home every night and told her she was thick, stupid and not worth bothering with. I was the one who threatened to punch her head in if she didn't sit down - I mean we were good kids - we lived in fear of our father and wouldn't have dared to behave in any way that might upset him - and then there was narc-appeaser mother - enabling him to carry on as Mob Family Boss.<br /><br />She has simply denied any of it happened. She had some counselling (mother was very against it because 'they put ideas into your head') but she needn't have worried - because sis 'just told the counsellor what she thought she wanted to hear',AND she was paying - for that! says mother with a sneer. And then carried on talking about the price of mince. My poor sister, I just sat there marvelling at this creature who calls herself mother. Her complete lack of compassion or empathy for her daughter. She hates ME and has let me know it a myriad of times and in many ways - I get it, but my sister is Golden Girl. SHE's getting all the goodies. She has been a willing henchman for my mother and actively sought to abuse on the last three times I had to meet her - and one of those occasions was my father's funeral. I cannot look her in the face again. She is WORSE than my parents, because she was there, and she KNOWS, and she went through it too - but she is ready to take the mantle off mother when she goes - and keep on doing it. I cannot look her in the eyes because she is a liar, and I find her unbearable now. I also find my mother unbearable - so I have walked away from her too - early days, nearly six months. Thanks for your excellent and insightful blog. Teresahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11572321140511070455noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-78809308568823227142012-06-21T15:57:25.757-07:002012-06-21T15:57:25.757-07:00Great comment, anonymous! Narcissists and their en...Great comment, anonymous! Narcissists and their enablers always say the narcissist's "Intentions were good."<br /><br />"Excuse me. I may have stepped on your face and I'm sorry you're mad at me for doing that, but I can assure you that the intent of my heart is pure and unconditional l-o-v-e."<br /><br />Notice that this is not a sincere apology. People hear the narcissist say "I am sorry" and assume it means they regret their behavior. No. They said they were sorry you felt the way you did. Stepping on your face was unavoidable since you were in the way of what they wanted or needed. It's too bad you're still complaining. ha!<br /><br />The narcissistic family is a tangled web, woven so tightly that few, if any siblings escape in time to spread their wings. You're lucky. You can see it. Some siblings never get out...never. Whether they're the family scapegoat or golden child or the kid who was never seen nor heard, they may not have enough resilience to wriggle free of the web. <br /><br />If you ARE able to get out, you might feel guilty because your siblings can't. It's terrible, isn't it? The legacy goes on and on from one generation to the next until someone has enough resilience to break free.<br /><br />I don't know how well you get along with your siblings but sometimes we can't share our wings. We'd like to...but we can't.<br /><br />Unless the dynamics between siblings are extremely dysfunctional or abusive, compassion for their inability to get away is definitely in order. (NOT to minimize the life-long journey it might require in order to feel compassion for siblings that use and abuse each other to win their narcissistic parent's favor!) <br /><br />It's rough...don't ever hear me preaching! I don't know how to accomplish this---if its even possible. Sometimes your family is just screwed and that's all there is to it.<br /> <br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-60135081941297211102012-06-21T06:59:18.680-07:002012-06-21T06:59:18.680-07:00A few things in this wonderful post I want to resp...A few things in this wonderful post I want to respond to re: siblings. My sisters have become the spokeswomen for "intentions" over behavior. Narcissists depend on the dictum "I meant well." But the other dictum is of course, 'the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.' I've always believed that if there is little correlation between a stated intention and a behavior, that someone's lying.<br />It's entirely possible to phrase things in such a way that no one can mistake what you're saying for passive aggression. But narcissists rely on 'plausible deniability,' and their enablers do the dirty work of insisting that their "intentions were good" despite deplorable behavior, timing, callousness, selfishness, etc. My siblings have complicated reasons for enabling our narcissistic parents. With one, it's money she gets from both parents, whose business difficulties mean they repeatedly have to "bail her out," as my father has often said about her. With the other, she just has not found a purpose in life other than being the "most loving" daughter. This gets worse as our parents age, but it's always been there. There is just no way to get them to look at what the parents do, honestly. Once I asked the Golden Child why she got so upset whenever I said anything critical about our NP. She said "it's like someone saying 'your baby's ugly'." I replied, "they're not your baby." Didn't make any difference.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-64223691886094487662012-02-13T09:35:21.397-08:002012-02-13T09:35:21.397-08:00Hi Lisa! Thank you...it's a relief to know oth...Hi Lisa! Thank you...it's a relief to know other people are struggling like myself. I do not want to end my relationship with my sister although I'm questioning whether or not it can be as 'intimate' as I'd like it to be. <br /><br />You know how it is when someone is unable to restrain their impulses OR recognize that 'they' are the eye of their own hurricane. You must protect yourself. You really must. <br /><br />I have learned over the years that even as 'strong' as we might think we are---resilience has a shelf life. You cannot be subjected to intermittent explosions without eventually wearing down. I fear this recent episode is the last straw, at least for me.<br /><br />I won't cut her out of my life, o heavens no. But I am taking a good hard look at 'what is' without lofting into idealistic notions of 'what could be.' And I refuse to put up with pouting, stonewalling, blaming and envious backbiting any longer. If my sister wants to relate to me as an ADULT, fine. We can restore our friendship. As you know, I am a serial forgiver. <br /><br />Until then though, I'm watching lots of lifetime movies and catching up on my blogs. ha! (We used to spend lots of time together).<br /><br />Nice to hear from you,<br /><br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-36627645649353433822012-02-13T09:24:22.957-08:002012-02-13T09:24:22.957-08:00Great blog, CZ. I can certainly relate as I strugg...Great blog, CZ. I can certainly relate as I struggle with my own sister. Enjoyed your writing, as always:)Some of your lines made me laugh:)<br /><br />LisaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com