tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post6326628264900964331..comments2024-02-22T02:15:01.912-08:00Comments on The Narcissistic Continuum: The Appropriation of "No Contact": When Narcissists use "No Contact" against YOUCZBZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comBlogger173125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-9667690927005018562018-11-28T02:31:31.412-08:002018-11-28T02:31:31.412-08:00You need to find a very good trauma therapist, cou...You need to find a very good trauma therapist, counsel or to social worker. You have a negative self talk voice which needs to be examined. Don’t believe your thoughts - at your core you are worthy. ��kghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14980631694416085489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-15748656328226058872018-11-27T07:46:45.409-08:002018-11-27T07:46:45.409-08:00It is difficult to find information about being os...It is difficult to find information about being ostracised by abusive mothers so this is helpful for me. <br /><br />My mother cut me off when I confronted her about the quite horrendous childhood abuse she targeted me with then started targeting one of my young son's with (the one who was most like me, bookish, wore glasses etc). The way she had made herself into the victim would have been unbelievable if I hadn't witnessed it myself. She will never forgive me for 'upsetting her' but she can't verbalise what I actually did or she would have to deny what I accused her of (physical and emotional abuse together with covering up sexual abuse) and she knows she can't do that. <br /><br />The saddest thing is that my siblings had to choose who they were going to be loyal to (at threat of being ostracised themselves), and obviously they chose her. We were never close anyway due to the way she triangulated us but the pain has been unbearable as is the knowledge that I am truly alone and never mattered to any of them. My children have suffered in being shunned by their aunts,uncles and cousins too. The only time I ever felt truly that my kids would be better off without a mother like me after battling the kind of low self esteem that comes with being a scapegoat. It's been 5 years and I'm only just coming out the other side. Thanks so much for making me feel that I'm not the only one.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-53957831090779181762018-08-03T04:16:03.229-07:002018-08-03T04:16:03.229-07:00I am just coming on this years after you wrote it,...I am just coming on this years after you wrote it, but I just need to thank you. I cannot tell you how much I needed it. I could not understand why my ex suddenly went completely no contact. I actually started to wonder if it meant he was not a Narc (even though he meets all 9 of the 9 in DSM-5) This is the crazy making stuff of Narcissistic Abuse. Thank you! Thank you! You are awesome.Lisa Chttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02167253083823324338noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-3613868182483180492018-01-24T16:15:08.309-08:002018-01-24T16:15:08.309-08:00Thank you, Iroyal18! You have no idea how much I n...Thank you, Iroyal18! You have no idea how much I needed to read your comment. Thank you again for commenting. <br /><br />My ambivalence towards No Contact has only increased since writing this article. Many people have written to me about their experience (and shock) when someone declares them Unfit-for-relationship; too-dangerous-for-friendship; too-contagious-for-safety. It's ludicrous how this concept has been twisted into justified ongoing abuse.<br /><br />A narcissistic person believes their distorted perceptions above and beyond facts and reason. This is important to know if you are being vilified. <br /><br />I am sorry you've been through this but believe me, you aren't alone. It's emotionally devastating to be treated this way and you can't let it break you---remember that his perceptions are flawed. He must see you as wrong so he can feel right. The more unjustified his treatment of you, the more he will insist you are at fault and he needs to protect himself from you. <br /><br />I think many of us misunderstand how destabilizing it is for a narcissist to be with someone he/she mistreated. They can't take responsibility for themselves because they MUST believe they are innocent victims. When they are around us, their defenses against personal awareness are tested and it feels very threatening to them if their perceptions are called into question. I think narcissistic people are afraid of "us" even though it's a concocted distortion of reality in their own minds. <br /><br />I don't know your story but assume he mistreated you and your daughter. Perhaps even infidelity? That's when they are hell-bent to prove the person they betrayed is at fault, dangerous and manipulative. It is a literal hell if you don't know about NPD.<br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-4455155677474997912018-01-19T11:48:10.830-08:002018-01-19T11:48:10.830-08:00thank you so much for posting this blog. Everythi...thank you so much for posting this blog. Everything you said re/ a narcissist taking no contact out on you is absolutely SPOT ON!! there really isn't a whole lot of information out there re/ this subject. I joined a bunch of support groups for people who have endured verbal and mental abuse. The thing that kept coming up is how we should go no contact on them. My situation was reversed with my X during our divorce. Out of nowhere, he decided to change the locks on my daughters childhood home( months after we moved out)with zero warning. Even my daughters were not allowed in the house. He was able to take out a no contact order with the local police station. - he is friends with some of the people who work there. I wasn't allowed to text, email, message, call-nothing. then the child support stopped one week after the no contact order. He had it perfectly timed as it was also the week of Christmas. I wasn't allowed to even ask him for it. I went to facebook because it was the only way I could request it. He then took that and got an order for me to not discuss him on facebook. His mother was diagnosed with cancer. I sent him an e-mail telling him how very sorry I was and how much I loved her offered my help in any way that I could. He took that email and tried to get an emergency restraining order against me. I didn't understand any of it. He was denied that restraining order. But the entire ordeal left me feeling like I as some horrible criminal person that should be in jail. nothing made sense. He even refused to pick my daughter up at the apartment. She had to walk several blocks because he claimed he was not allowed to be near me. 1 year after our divorce - and He is STILL making this claim. I'm not allowed anywhere near him. I appreciate everything I read in this blog and it really gives me some sort of validation. You have no idea how much I needed to read this. <br /><br />Thank you!! lroyal18https://www.blogger.com/profile/09391677073703012181noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-39446185062377558502017-11-20T14:04:11.567-08:002017-11-20T14:04:11.567-08:00This morning, a dozen spam comments were pasted al...This morning, a dozen spam comments were pasted all over my blog. I deleted them "as spam" but didn't realize your very funny snarky comments would be deleted, too! <br /><br />I left ONE spam comment just for the helluvit. Incredible that posting about magic spells must have a financial return, otherwise, they wouldn't keep doing it. So nutz that in 2017, people believe in this crap---or perhaps we could look at it as a measure of people's desperation. Yea, I remember feeling crazily desperate to keep the relationship together--although no. I never would have ordered a magic spell from Dr. ConArtist. CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-89970254693805014062017-07-20T14:32:05.739-07:002017-07-20T14:32:05.739-07:00Thanks so much for this CZ - it feels good to be h...Thanks so much for this CZ - it feels good to be heard, and understood so well. You are truly doing a great thing here. <br />I just don't know what to do with my sons - how do we explain for them to understand? <br /><br />My husband traces his co dependency and being bullied by both older and younger brothers (who also triangulated) and father all the way into his childhood - they still treat him with disrespect and contempt now -of course with no witnesses. I hate them for doing this to my husband. He has two brothers and he cannot trust them and is rejected by them covertly - how do you go about securing self esteem when your brothers reject you and bully you and your family refuses to see it? <br />Marcie Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14275467270269763917noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-55457783635974241152017-07-20T10:36:53.059-07:002017-07-20T10:36:53.059-07:00In contrast: the narcissistic family pretends ther...In contrast: the narcissistic family pretends there aren't any problems, denies how they feel and invalidates how others feel and is threatened by anyone piercing their wall-of-pretense. Of course, that means unresolved emotions are <i>projected</i> onto others (scapegoats) or evacuated through passive-aggression. It IS maddening.<br /><br />Once you understand the narcissistic defense system however, you can avoid taking their dysfunction personally. And you won't get caught up in trying to "teach" them better behavior; educate them about dysfunction; believe you can love them enough to get them to change. You can get to the point where you're observing the system from a detached and self-aware position. You aren't indifferent because of course you care about family members; but, you aren't caught up their drama. You just say, "Oh, that must have been awful for you!" and leave it at that. They can fix their own awfuls..<i>or not.</i><br /><br />Low contact will give you time to stabilize, to integrate what you are learning without reviewing and rehashing every encounter. I think Low Contact is much better than cutting people out of your life. Narcissistic families can tolerate Low Contact but No Contact may increase their demands because they feel "bad" about themselves for not being a perfect family. <br /><br />I don't know if any of this will help. Recovery is a process and it is always slower than we'd like it to be. I dig in and step away and dig in and step away and this has been going on for three decades. There's a lot of loving to do in those decades, a lot of life to live. ;-)<br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-71437922627190816982017-07-20T10:36:34.019-07:002017-07-20T10:36:34.019-07:00My best advice is this: SLOW is fast. Don't pu...My best advice is this: SLOW is fast. Don't put a time table on healing. I believe people need to live their lives and allow the healing process to happen <i>as it will.</i> Focusing too much on ourselves can make things worse because nobody is more self-critical than ACoNs. They believe they must be perfect and it can take years before this dysfunction self-corrects. You've got a life to live in between the "awakening" and the "becoming." So glean some information for understanding and allow that to work its way into changed behavior. It's not easy to stop analyzing because at first, we're relieved by analysis. But at some point, it become "overthinking" and that becomes exhausting, making people feel like they are "helpless to change". Recovery takes longer than they think they can bear and that is why we need periodic vacations from recovery work.<br /><br />It's also important to remember that narcissists are debilitated by shame. If your husband's brother is ashamed of his failure/losses, then each time he sees his family he feels terrible about himself. (so terrible that it may feel life-threatening for him). He may occasionally assume he can be around family members but his defenses will be high because he can't trust they won't use his failure to 'shame' him. <br /><br />We take narcissist's behavior so personally but if you put yourself in their shoes and feel the depth of their shame, then it's easier to understand why they cannot bear to be with people-who-know for very long. Because you confronted him, you are seen as a threat and he will defend himself because he must. He may realize it's best for him to stay away because he can't resolve his shame. That's an important point to remember since most of us experience shame when we fail; but we get over ourselves eventually. Our true self reminds us of our worth and we're able to transform shame into humility. You know how most of us find meaning in our mistakes and glean a piece of gold from the misery? Narcissists lack the emotional strength to do that for themselves...they spiral into shame and stay there. "We" become constant reminders of their failure. <br /><br />Narcissistic family members use denial to keep the system together. They don't do well with confrontation which means of course: nothing is ever resolved. Nothing. That can be frustrating for people who successfully negotiate healthy relationships through honest confrontation and mutual good will. You have the ability to do that and you know, it's a blessing because not everyone can bear the truth. You tell it like it is, seek resolution, increase intimacy and trust because of your honesty. <br /><br />(continued)CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-1050000683925607772017-07-19T17:39:51.652-07:002017-07-19T17:39:51.652-07:00Hi CZ - fantastic insights on the narc and their a...Hi CZ - fantastic insights on the narc and their appropriation of No Contact. I am new to your blog and this is the first post I've read. I should read a bit more to find out about what personally brought you here. Everyone has a story. I am married into a narc family system - my husband is the passive nice-guy co-dependant now scapegoat, and I, after putting my finger on what makes this aick family tick, am too now thr scapegoat. It took so much time and agony to understand what was hidden in clear sight! My husband's older brother and business partner was the aggressor to my husband's passive doormatting, the dreamer to my husband's realism, the taker to my husband's giving. My husb. pushed back and he'd relent, enough for us to forgive and forget until he started all over again. This culminated in the business being threatened with bankruptcy, somethi g the older brother had a hard time accepting - it was far more beneficial to him than it ever was to my husband. The lack of accountability suited him perfectly, and when my husband question him about time and money management he'd have tempter tantrums, or would shame and guilt and belittle my husband. My husband was too loyal to the point of losing his business and his self esteem. He did, with my insight and lot of hard self reflective work on his own, in the end assert that he wanted to end the business with his brother. This caused the above temper tantrums and months of silent treatment. They ended up bankrupt. <br /><br />This has been hard on my marriage and my family of 3 sons - it is hard for our sons to get their heads around a narc system that their aunts and uncles and grand parents are involved in (by denial and smear campaigns of course) My kids don't understand nor want to - I can understand their hesitancy and how overwhelming this is -we haven't told them everything, just enough to understand that their uncle does not have our best interests in mind and has cruel, retaliatory intentions towards their father. <br /><br />Though the brother tried low contact and silent treatment to me initially 7 years ago when I confronted him with his abuse (I was oblvious to his narcissism at the time and thought he was a normal human with a conscience) he is now as no contact with his while family as possible except for big events like 60th anniversary of his parents and obliatory xmas - as if he's the victim - family thinks he's a bit in the wrong and just think its a personality differece between the brothers - not having any time, curiosity or empathy for our story - they prefer their own versions - the rare time they do ask we end up regretting anything we tell them because they dininish it, don't believe it, insidt we're too sensitive, and discredit our story or ourselved as rational humans.<br />We have gone low contact for our sanity and have spoken only to professionals and strictly friends with no connections with the family.<br />My husband needs a lot more belp on the self-esteem end of things and needs to be in touch with his feelings and break habit of supressing and pleasing - though we have analysed this ad nauseum, I am impatient with the slow slow process of recovery and fee like half our marriage has been stolen by this crisis and now seems to continue without end. I naively thought after all this we 'd be in more solid ground but it feels like its just new ground, but just as shaky. <br />Any advice?Marcie Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14275467270269763917noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-63755815146826165012017-06-19T11:46:21.465-07:002017-06-19T11:46:21.465-07:00No Contact doesn't always work, that's tru...No Contact doesn't always work, that's true. The kind of behavior you're writing about however, is stalking and harassment--police involvement is essential. That he is doing this to you after only dating him once, makes the situation even more precarious because it sounds like he's delusional. I have only talked with a few people over the past decade, who dealt with similar situations; so I know there isn't much help from police.<br /><br />I am late getting back to your comment so if you are still reading, could you tell me if you've talked with mental health services? Are there other social services such as "domestic violence" that can offer you suggestions? That's where you need to ask for help because what he's doing is aggressive and potentially dangerous! He may not be mentally ill however a quick google suggests he might be. <br /><br />Stalking takes a toll on your mental health, too. It destroys your ability to feel SAFE and everyone needs to feel safe in order to function healthily. Because he's been doing this for years, you may show signs of c-ptsd, or anxiety and depression. Have you talked with a therapist skilled in trauma? <br /><br />Hope to hear from you again and I sincerely hope you are able to find protective resources. Be safe!<br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZ CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-42098096848979128352017-06-11T04:20:58.602-07:002017-06-11T04:20:58.602-07:00Grey Rock.Grey Rock.kghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14980631694416085489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-91779449968077195362017-06-10T22:30:45.845-07:002017-06-10T22:30:45.845-07:00No contact does not always work. In my case, I had...No contact does not always work. In my case, I had to hide. I did this for 10 years (no public profiles, kept my location/job etc quiet) and then he found him and resumed his campaign of stalking/threats. He also sent letters to my work colleagues, hoping it would get me fired. It did not, but once again I had to involve police, get restraining orders and so on. A decade ago, he'd already been to jail 3 times over this and he simply resumes as soon as he is out again. So, do I need to keep moving? Change my name? don't understand why no contact does NOT WORK for me. Why is this the holy grail of solutions? Not ONCE have i returned to him or initiated anything. I hate the bastard and we dated for a year when i was 19, before I saw he was a psycho and left immediately. NEVER wanted him back. I;m 30 now and he will not leave me alone. Suggestions anyone????Katrinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04435811770717229002noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-64874755187267428632017-05-09T09:44:00.872-07:002017-05-09T09:44:00.872-07:00"I'm not too worried that I'll fall p..."I'm not too worried that I'll fall prey to them directly. But I am worried about extended family. Do you have any words of wisdom or resources you might recommend regarding issues to be aware of with extended family when going no contact with foo? I just want to be prepared and make low drama choices." ~Brenda<br /><br />You've set the ball in motion by blocking texts and phone calls, so I'm not sure how your family will interpret that? Have you done this before? A simple "need time for me" explanation might have been in order (not an explanation or accusation) but that is how "I" would handle things. I do not know your family history and have no idea how upset they might be but if you feel okay about cutting things off this way, you probably have enough justification for doing that. You seem to have taken plenty of time before making this decision and if you believe it was best to say nothing, then trust your instincts and follow through with your decision. <br /><br />As far as extended family members, that might depend on how often you hear from them. Do you see family members frequently? They will probably try to "mend fences" so the only thing I can think of is "cutting them off at the pass". In other words, they say something about your family missing you; and you deftly switch the topic to "What are you doing now, Auntie May?" Don't address the topic and they will understand that you aren't going to talk about it with them or anyone. This will be a relief to them, actually. <br /><br />People dislike being pitted between family members. It makes them uncomfortable and sad and they'll defend whoever is being maligned. So don't be the maligner. <br /><br />This is when a therapist is hugely beneficial because you'll be tempted to defend yourself when someone gives you the "soft eye" (or you may start crying, depends on your personality). If you know you have a safe place/counselor where you can talk about your feelings and thoughts, then you won't leap at the chance to tell others. Family members may see your revelations as an invasion of their boundaries. They may even resent being drawn into the drama...<br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZ CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-63684973414621076982017-05-09T09:30:23.803-07:002017-05-09T09:30:23.803-07:00ha! I enjoyed the hell out of your message, KG, bu...ha! I enjoyed the hell out of your message, KG, but as you may know if you've read my <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-big-fat-opinion-secret.html" rel="nofollow"><b>Big Fat Opinion about "the secret"</b></a>, I'd never suggest anyone follow advice from Abraham Hicks. ;-P <br /><br />Nor that they chew on a narcissist's hide to make themselves feel better; but if that worked for you, then you're lucky. You have to live your life as I have to live mine and we can joyfully share our experiences without needing to control one another. (See what good work I've done on establishing healthy boundaries?! ha!)<br /><br />My rule of thumb on getting revenge to make ourselves feel better is this: We take a nibble and they take a chunk and we take a bigger bite back and they wallop that shit out of us and then we back down after destroying our integrity and feeling worse about ourselves than we did before the initial nibble. ha!<br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-29774713256040143052017-05-09T09:09:24.552-07:002017-05-09T09:09:24.552-07:00Many clinics list the type of treatments offered b...Many clinics list the type of treatments offered by their therapists. Try looking for a clinic and asking if anyone specializes in trauma. Mindfulness is another approach that would help you. There's also DBT (dialectical and behavioral therapy) but it's difficult finding therapists specializing in DBT and I don't know the insurance complications you might face. CBT, at least a limited number of sessions, is usually insured so be sure to ask about that. <br /><br />In my experience, we need a professional counselor to help us because the ways we think might be 'normal' to our bestest friends. Ya know? There's nothing like rambling along about your life and having a wise counselor look you in the eye and say, "Ouch! Do you always poke yourself in the nose?" And we realize how often we poke ourselves in the nose because we didn't even realize we were doing that!<br /><br />When my family members were looking for counselors and they had a basic understanding of pathology, I encouraged them to keep their knowledge to themselves. Especially at first when your main goal is establishing an emotional connection with your therapist. That is what's important, not your diagnosis of the problem. In fact, a diagnosis by a layperson can be offsetting to therapists who might not be as accommodating to people educating themselves via Internet. <br /><br />If you want to talk about familial narcissism, take an underlined and highlighted book by a credible psychologist such as the ones I've listed. Please don't use Youtube as your example 'cuz honestly, it could disturb an otherwise great relationship with your therapist. So this is, to me, a question of boundaries. Yours AND your therapists. They have the clinical experience and the education---we don't. We have to trust they will not only understand our problems but be able to help us whether or not our family merits an official diagnosis. The right time will come when you can discuss "how" you came to believe your family was narcissistic and of course, give your therapist the url to my blog if you are so inclined. Many people have and their therapists have validated my work as "safe", even for folks with ptsd. <br /><br />I have been involved in this 'movement' since 2002 and witnessed a LOT of misinformation being spread on the internet. A lot of angry blogs that are awesome to get our anger moving but not necessarily intended to be a resource for "healthy living". People are drawn to blogs and websites defining narcissism as evil but this delays or prevents healthy healing if people stay trapped in a black-and-white thinking, anger and revenge. <br /><br />I think bloggers (including myself) deserve the scrutiny and criticism we get. :-( We can and should do better, it's just that most people move through the Totally-Pissed-Off-Phase and stop blogging. <br /><br />Take a credible psychologist's book with you to therapy, like any book from Dr. Nina Brown, Dr. Craig Malkin, or the Pressman's fine book about the narcissistic family. That way your therapist will understand your perceptions of your family and how you were affected by dysfunctional dynamics in your family. Therapists can talk openly about narcissism as a personality trait everyone has but will be reluctant (and rightfully so) to say your family or parents (or anyone they have never met) has a pathological personality disorder. Talk about narcissism as a personality trait, not a personality disorder.<br /><br />Or, use books about dysfunctional families and codependency (John Bradshaw; charles Whitfield) and then you aren't getting bogged down with clinical descriptions beyond the layperson's full scope of understanding. ~CZCZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-24693869352863143662017-05-08T20:10:09.421-07:002017-05-08T20:10:09.421-07:00Re Richard Grannon, he comes across a bit of an eg...Re Richard Grannon, he comes across a bit of an egotistical dick really (to me, anyway) but his message is really very good and I really should watch more videos of his. Also, thanks for the book recommendations CZ, I"ll be sure to read some myself. I follow Maklin's channel on YouTube, he really is very good because he's someone who has empirical evidence and as I have a psychology background I appreciate the message without the emotion. <3kghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14980631694416085489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-1670450976853095042017-05-08T19:27:48.527-07:002017-05-08T19:27:48.527-07:00Cont/.... Really simple things like, I had an anon...Cont/.... Really simple things like, I had an anonymous bad breath email sent to him. On his birthday I had a crematorium send him a brochure. I 'accidentally' sent him a photo of my son, my dog and I smiling and having a great time at Christmas. Then I got even bolder and directly emailed him to tell him that I have had such a wonderful time as a mother, and such a great pregnancy, that I would love to do it again. That's called couching - and you would know that narcs couch absolutely everything. I was giving him a compliment by paying him attention and saying how he changed my life, but wrapping it in a wrapper of shit by letting him know that we are happy, joyous, he didn't beat me, I'm not crying, and I don't even care enough to hold a grudge. <br /><br />Of course, I'd never sleep with him again - how could I do that to myself again when he's probably critiquing my body or looking at ways that I don't measure up? But it made me feel good to CONFUSE him - ignite his rage about how I escaped, I have freedom, we're happy, but tell him that this is all because of him. :) <br /><br />We have the power with these people. You have absolute power over these faggot cowards (excuse my language but that's what comes up to describe them right now). And if you know how to use that power, you empower yourself. I disengaged way too early. I jumped the gun and shot myself in the foot. I did not get my own closure. It's different for you because you have worked up to it. But that's my story, anyway.<br /><br />It's not for everyone, but it certainly was fun for me. Instead of feeling silented, I had myself heard (and it worked, he paid me less the next month and the month after that he didn't pay me at all). Haha, you say, you're cutting off your nose to spite your face! I know. It's compulsive. It's egotistical, and I am trying to be less egotistical. He's back on track now though. Who knows why, who cares. <br /><br />But - I will tire, I will disengage. I will grow up. I give myself time and patience to grow and to forgive and to live and to learn. But moral of this long story - meditation to find and know your own answers - because only you have the key to what is right for you. <3kghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14980631694416085489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-19861323700507150242017-05-08T19:27:21.814-07:002017-05-08T19:27:21.814-07:00If I may offer - meditation really helps. Meditat...If I may offer - meditation really helps. Meditation is your higher self guiding you to make choices based on exactly that - your higher self. Even if you only take 10 minutes a day - it's better than nothing.<br /><br />In Australia we have an app called 1GiantMind - it's free and it teaches you to meditate if you haven't before. It's absolutely brilliant and very supportive. And I promise you, before long you will be following your higher self to GUIDE you in the direction that you need to go. All you need to do is commit to those 10 or 10x2 minute sessions per day, and after some time (just like a physical gym) you will feel less lost and intuitively know which direction to steer your rudder. It won't come from your emotions but your inner guidance system.<br /><br />I actually came out of no contact after two years doing this. I watched a lot of Abraham Hicks videos on YouTube (really great). I googled for 'abraham hicks and revenge' because I was so, so over being mired in lower vibrations - how can I attract to me what I need if I'm feeling angry, disempowered, victimised, vengeful? And I found her saying 'if the next best emotion you can find to anger is revenge, then seek it. Do it' (of course, not illegally). And so I did - and although I had done two years of no contact and thus gained the ability to see clearly, I felt so much better doing small, indirect things that I knew would hurt the narcissist. And I felt empowered. That's all I needed to feel my agency again. <br /><br />It's not something for everyone, and it's not something that I will continue to do for the rest of my life - but it was a necessary part of my progression forward on my healing journey, and it was what my higher self led me to know that I had to do. The decision wasn't taken in anger - and in fact, I felt mischievous and enjoyed knowing what his reaction would be (well, as much as I can imagine what it would be, anyway). A narc is a narc, right? kghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14980631694416085489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-20151953829356885972017-05-08T19:03:27.340-07:002017-05-08T19:03:27.340-07:00I think that's terrible. It's important f...I think that's terrible. It's important for you to know your own mind and have trust in it, and your intuition as you look for a therapist who respects that you are looking to heal and isn't threatened by you educating yourself. I'm sure there are narcs in the psychology business just as much as there are narcs in any other business.<br /><br />As an aside - the narc I knew was a surveyor. I used to say to him, "for a guy who spends his day dealing with physical boundaries, you sure have no idea about personal ones."<br /><br />Hence, I'm yesterday's mirror. :)kghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14980631694416085489noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-47945823185297972022017-05-08T14:51:43.659-07:002017-05-08T14:51:43.659-07:00"I don't want this journey to turn me int...<i>"I don't want this journey to turn me into somebody I can't live with."</i><br /><br />I was angry in the beginning as most people are; however, anger is supposed to work like jet fuel moving you away from dangerous situations. It's a phase AND it cam be addictive because it makes you feel powerful (an illusion of course!) <br /><br />I set my goal on "peace" and refused to behave in ways that some folks might have condoned but would have betrayed my core self. I have not regretted being kind, even when the other person did not merit my understanding. We can be kind and angry at the same time--a healthy way to maintain our sense of self and protect ourselves from assault and insult. Know your values and strive to live up to them, even when someone deserves a fat poke in their nose!!CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-45473651394512867152017-05-08T14:43:14.085-07:002017-05-08T14:43:14.085-07:00Find a Trauma therapist who is skilled in working ...Find a Trauma therapist who is skilled in working with ptsd. Many people growing up in narcissistic families, suffer some form of ptsd (c-ptsd). Even if you do not have an official diagnosis, trauma therapy WILL help. You might also benefit from CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to help you understand the way you think--the things that are healthy and those that aren't and how to catch yourself when your "thinking is stinking." ACoNs benefit from having a counselor notice all the ways they continue to beat themselves up, even after getting away from their narcissistic family! It can take years to undo the damage done the first few years of a child's life so we should TREAT ourselves well by getting all the help we need to become the person we were always meant to be. It's hard work, I shan't lie; I've been doing some form of recovery work since the 1980's and I still think and say and do things that make me blush. <br /><br />Since KG has already mentioned Bradshaw, here are a few Great GOOD and highly-recommended resources:<br /><br />Dr. Craig Malkin, <i>Re-thinking Narcissism.</i>(wonderful!!!!)<br /><br />Dr. Nina Brown, <i>Loving the Self-Absorbed</i>, etc.<br /><br />Drs. Pressman, <i>The Narcissistic Family</i><br /><br />Drs. Cloud and Townsend, <i>Boundaries</i> (christian commentary but applicable to all)<br /><br />I will go through my home library and see if there are any books about "Low" contact or boring-family-into-leaving-you-alone. <br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZ CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-19403131249430744862017-05-08T14:29:12.617-07:002017-05-08T14:29:12.617-07:00Hello Brenda! There are options for using No Conta...Hello Brenda! There are options for using No Contact in a way that best suits your particular situation. Most advice is intended for romantic relationships in which the best thing is separating the "target" from a toxic attachment with a pathological partner. <br /><br />Family relationships are different in that our earliest bonds of attachment (security and safety) are with our parents. We are biologically wired to attach and those bonds are deep, even with siblings. We might suffer increased psychological stress by ending family relationships completely, so yes: stress if you stay and stress if you leave. <br /><br />Therapists encourage people to work with a counselor to help them deal with the unanticipated fall-out. If you decide to do go No Contact, you might consider a support group. Even a 12-step group is "grounding" on days when you are shaken by your decision. We are social creatures and knowing this encourages us create community before we're having a nervous breakdown. ;-( We like to believe we so self-reliant but that is a whopper of a lie.<br /><br />As far as notifying your family with a written letter, well---this is what was suggested back in Bradshaw's days (late 1980's) BUT Bradshaw was talking about dysfunctional families, not narcissistic families. Narcissistic families are triggered by rejection, defending themselves from any accusation or rejection by demeaning and devaluing the person rejecting them. Their aggression increases, potentially making your life hell on earth. If you have the choice, boring them to tears and being unreliable for contact might be an easier way to end things. Anything we can do to avoid confrontation is better for everyone in the end. <br /><br />However, you still may decide to make a formal declaration of No Contact and if you do, get thee to a support group. At this point, your sister probably won't drive 1000 miles to toilet-paper your house if you don't respond to an email. But if you declare No Contact, well...there's no end to what siblings will do to "protect" parents. I'm just not a person who tells anyone (unless their life is in danger) to tell their family to "______ off". Still, some people have done it and told me their decision may not have been physically threatening but it was spiritually threatening--they felt as if their souls were at stake. <br /><br />If you write your family a letter and tell them you're going No Contact, don't explain why. Whatever you say will be misunderstood, twisted into whatever they need to believe. Just tell them you need time to yourself, to think things through, and get your life in order and leave it at that. In the 1980's people were encouraged to tell parents exactly why they were going No Contact but if parents were merely dysfunctional, they were okay with that--hoping to reunite at some point. If parents were narcissistic, they weren't so accommodating or forgiving. They became very aggressive, even disowning children for daring suggest their parenting wasn't perfect!<br /><br />In my experience reading thousands of stories over the years, people who declared No Contact dealt with vicious attacks and smear campaigns and stalking---in an attempt to "protect" the narcissistic family's reputation. No Contact was not a panacea, believe me. People who used Low Contact seemed to fare better and people who simply bored-or-disappointed their family into ignoring them, had the peace they wanted. However, there is no universal one-size-fits-all and the final decision can only be made by the person drawing boundaries for him or herself.<br /><br />I think we should leave ourselves an "out" without burning bridges completely BECAUSE: I have seen a lot of people reunite with family after a period of healing. They never believed this would happen but they were eventually able to maintain a strong sense of self even with narcissistic family members. Having an option to restore relationship at a future date might be better for family members and yourself. Maybe.<br /><br />Hugs,<br />CZ CZBZhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-91028494074864175572017-05-08T13:03:22.284-07:002017-05-08T13:03:22.284-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14948168926974418790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-35638542757841390072017-05-06T22:21:28.827-07:002017-05-06T22:21:28.827-07:00Hi Brenda
That book as 'Homecoming'.. I h...Hi Brenda<br /><br />That book as 'Homecoming'.. I have it here and have only got up to the working part.. it's a book that you work though, really.<br /><br />It's very difficult to find local people who have experience in trauma bonding / Stockholm Syndrome. I would be interviewing your psychologists / counsellors to ensure they can help you before you visit them.<br /><br />Also, for sure you would have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). Richard Grannon on YouTube is a good source for working through CPTSD, but I'd also be looking for a psychologist who has a lot of experience working with childhood trauma / CPTSD as well. I'm in the process of finding this person myself.<br /><br />Another guy on YouTube is Understanding Narcissists - he comes from a family of narcs, so he has a lot of insight. Inner Intergration is good, and Sasha Slone is always great - but she's more in a romantic sense, I think. <br /><br />I still have cognitive dissonance because my abuse was covert and I had to figure it all out in hindsight - once I had got out. His mask never dropped, I never saw overt abuse - so I'm stuck in cycles of still thinking he could possibly be someone who could help us out - to knowing and needing to accept that this is impossible. It still goes round and round. One day, we get off the ride. ((<3))kghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14980631694416085489noreply@blogger.com