tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-68014854325569797962024-03-14T04:40:20.281-07:00The Narcissistic ContinuumCZBZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.comBlogger291125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-4866662216091684442018-06-21T14:19:00.000-07:002018-06-21T14:28:46.340-07:00When Will the Forum Return? <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Salambo </i>by Adolphe Cossard</td></tr>
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In the near future. Soon. Very soon. Maybe tomorrow but maybe this weekend though we can never know what the future will bring, can we? No worries though. Trustworthy geek spirits have reassured me the forum will return from the <i>Land of Lost Websites </i>any day now.<br />
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(I think the WoN Forum is hiding somewhere close to the <i>Land of Lost Socks. </i>The forum might be clinging to the underside of a flannel sheet, hopefully not on the inside of a pant leg and falling on the floor during a seminar on Radical Awareness.)<br />
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UPDATE<br />
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The WoN Forum is in maintenance mode while we conform to current laws and regulations. We've tolerated technical problems on the forum for awhile now so my son-the-programmer has transferred the forum to a different server allowing better interface for users. The decision to upgrade the forum complicated the transfer and he told me why but I couldn't understand what he was saying, nodding my head as if I had a clue because it's not easy being over fifty in a computerized world and admitting you felt smart when you figured out how to do blogger and the google; but now you feel like a tube sock.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">artist, unknown</td></tr>
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If anyone wants to talk, we can have a conversation in the comment section if you'd like and I'll devote time each day to check in. I hate leaving people hanging. For years, I've encouraged people to build a support system so experienced folks can hold you steady and then boom...the forum shuts down. Let me reassure everyone though: <i>we will be back</i>. We will not disappear and even if our lovely blue format with narcissus flowers and castle rooms disappear, the heart of the forum remains: our conversations over the years.<br />
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One of the most amazing things about a forum as old as WoN (organized in 2005) is that people have continued sharing their lives for over a decade! Everyone's stories have been inspirational and everyone from newbies-to-longtimers have grounded me in the recovery process. I need everyone's help. My recovery was not and never could be a six-week CD and E-Book course. Recovery is life-long and that's okay because relationships with others <i>and with ourselves,</i> get better and better overtime. Easier, too. It's easier to love people when you don't hate yourself.<br />
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Now that I've spent a freaking hour-and-a-half writing six paragraphs, my evidenced-based reality says: the longer I go without writing, the harder it is to think in words. Yikes. I used to write ten paragraphs in two minutes. That's a lie. Or perhaps it's a falsehood. Wait. Maybe it's neither. Maybe it's hyperbole. Yes. Let's call it a benign exaggeration to dramatize my point. All I know after composing this mess is that writing oughta be on a to-do list for maintaining my sanity in what most people would agree is CrazyTimesUSA. And that is not hyperbole. It's an evidence-based fact.<br />
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Hugs to all,<br />
CZ<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>The Queen of Sheba</i> by Edward Slocombe</td></tr>
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I am old enough to remember when religious aunts lectured on the sins of wasteful living, reminding us people were starving in China and how could we be so selfish as to throw out a brown banana. Watchful uncles reprimanded nieces and nephews neglecting to relinquish seats to pregnant women or old women or anyone six months their senior. Remaining seated while back-bent elders shifted on life-worn feet was the penultimate of mortal sins how terrible. (I can imagine my stickler of a grandmother's wide-eyed horror at the spectacle of 21st century <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manspreading"><span style="color: #e06666;">manspreading</span></a>).<br />
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"Who do you think you are?" they'd scold. "The Queen o' Sheba?"<br />
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<b>Pause Reading for a Musical Prologue </b><br />
<i>Arrival of the Queen of Sheba</i> by G.F. Handel</div>
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I am <i>not </i>too old to remember my mother giving me the side-eye for entering too many competitions and winning more contests than deemed felicitous for a gender-appropriate daughter. "Pride cometh before a fall," she cautioned, lecturing on corruptible vices, <i>pride </i>being the mother lode of sin. Under her critical tutelage, my competitive drive slowed to a ladylike pace and then I married a man who taught me everything a mother never could about wrath, greed, lust and vanity. He had no compunctions against being extraordinarily special and he wasn't as occupied as myself, shushing a chorus of internalized voices nagging me to <i>know my place</i>, to <i>remember the less fortunate</i>, to <i>respect my elders</i>, to <i>stop embarrassing my mother</i>.<br />
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I tried silencing their voices but this led to rocky relationships requiring humble pies and downcast eyes because you can't love people and be loved back if you believe you're <i>especially more special </i>than they. Good people will cut you off like the spoiled bits of an Idaho potato and when you love loving people as much as I love loving people, you'll abdicate your throne and admit the error of your ways. You are special and this is valuable knowledge; but you aren't <i>too special </i>for rules. Rules are meant for everyone, even the Queen of Sheba. Cue humility and Handel.<br />
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"Age-appropriate narcissism is a concept based on the notion that we grow and develop in our ability to become separate and differentiated people and that this is a process that begins at birth and continues throughout life." ~Nina W. Brown </blockquote>
A well-developed conscience requires the right nudge at the right time to awaken from its narcissistic slumber through what some people call the Best Years of Our Lives. The years of seeing ourselves as <i>extra-ordinarily special,</i> with unlimited possibilities and never a thought to the impermanence of life. The unquestioned assumption of being ninety with a face of sixteen and the limber dance of twenty-five. I indulge now and then in ancient memories of teenage narcissism, the glorious flooding of narcissism cramming every cell of my body with a sense of immortality and potential. I think about youthful grandiosity and how we must sacrifice childish narcissism in the quest for self, always a balancing act between caring for others and for ourselves. Healthy maturation is a lifelong journey. We need all the help we can get.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">G.F. Handel, <i>"18th Century Manspreading?" </i></td></tr>
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My Family<br />
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I love remembering apron-ed Aunts in crowded kitchens, more worried about their feather-light biscuits than derrières. Maybe it bothered them gaining weight, we wouldn't know, they never talked about it. They never apologized for their ample size; g<i>ood character </i>being more valuable than something they didn't struggle to achieve---like becoming movie star gorgeous and fashionable. I am lucky to have known a generation of women who didn't compare themselves to images they couldn't embody; to have had long conversations without the dreary mention of diets and celebrities.<br />
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<i>Knowing they were special</i>, and me too by extension, exceeded the superficiality of flesh. This is the kind of self-worth people need in order to love themselves and others: a self-love so embodied it can't be destroyed by the vicissitudes of life, nor shaken by life's uncertainties. A self-love assertive enough to confront Handel about keeping his damn legs together. (My grandmother would have confronted the patriarchy about Handel's inappropriate display and the patriarchy would have dutifully strapped his legs together because biscuits).<br />
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<i>Knowing you are special</i> is a fine thing binding us to one another because we know we are worthy of relationship, deserving of love, and capable of loving others. Our love has value. With the accompanying self-assurance of feeling special, we are less afraid to invest our hearts in relationships. Narcissism, the feeling of being special, fosters meaningful connections with others and with ourselves.<br />
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On the contrary, believing we are <i>way more special </i>than anyone else sets us apart, trading meaningful connections for the emptiness and isolation of unhealthy narcissism.<br />
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<i>Knowing we are special</i> is a blessing and this is what my relatives hoped to teach me. The people I saw as special<i> also saw me as special </i>and this<i> </i>became the ground beneath my feet when everything that mattered slipped away. It's times like that, when your life has been devastated by profound disappointment and loss, that healthy narcissism allows us to grieve our losses without losing our selves in the suffering.<br />
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"Healthy narcissism boils down to striking the right balance. At the heart of narcissism lies an ancient conundrum: how much should we love ourselves and how much should we love others? The Judaic sage and scholar Hillel the Elder summarized the dilemma this way: "If I am not for myself, who am I? If I am only for myself, then what am I?" ~Craig Malkin, <i>Rethinking Narcissism</i> (pg. 14)<span style="text-align: center;"> </span></blockquote>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Portrait of his family</i> by Cornelis de Vos<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">My Family's Secret</span></td></tr>
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I'd like to share a secret about my family because there's honest-to-God no group of people who believe they are more special than the family I was born into. Even my ex would corroborate the peculiarity of our indefatigable self-esteem. He joked about my collection of relatives obviously taking more pride in a day's labor than reflections in a mirror. Oh, they were respectably clean, even spotlessly so, carrying white handkerchiefs for spitting into and wiping on children's faces should jam spoil toothy grins. I never saw an unclean or beautiful relative in my sixty years of family reunions, yet they believed they were special because each generation had been told they were special, the tradition handed down like a recipe for self-rising bread. You know the yeasty sour dough that multiplies on its own if you save a bit of starter for the next batch? Yea. That's the kind of healthy narcissism my family stores in five-gallon buckets. If Dr. Malkin researched genetic narcissism, he could use my family as a profound example of it.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"My Family Reunion Portrait"</i></td></tr>
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I've pondered my family's heritable resiliency but only recently come to understand the value of older generations telling younger generations they were special. <i>"You may not be the Queen of Sheba, CZ, but you're the queen of hearts in this family".</i> Being told over and over how special I am and always have been, lifted me to my feet when life knocked me down. Falling face first in the dirt has happened more than once, though never as gawdawful as the time I competed for my husband's love and lost. Bless my inner tabernacle choir for getting me out of that mess. Hallelujah!<br />
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Here's the Deal: Being Special is a Responsibility<br />
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My family took more pride in preserving our good name than breaking free and making one for ourselves. They were farmers in Europe becoming farmers in America losing money more years than they profited. They still ended up wealthy in spite of predictable setbacks curiously declared unpredictable. My relatives never measured themselves by failure, never wavered from proclaiming themselves successful. They trusted everything would work out swell and then set their minds to the task. It's worth repeating as I've written before: my family has <i>nerves of steel and wills of iron</i> and everyone agrees who's known a single one of us. We are resilient I think, because each person in my family inherited their own pair of hand-me-down rose-colored glasses and we're only too pleased to be wearing 'em.<br />
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If someone had asked my grandmother, "What makes me special?" she'd have replied, "You were born in this family. That's why you're special." If I'd have queried her about who was <i>more special,</i> me or my cousins, she'd have told me to grab knee pads and beg forgiveness for thinking <i>too</i> highly of myself. "There's pride and there's <i>false pride</i> and you'd best discern the difference if you wanna be in heaven with the rest of us." </blockquote>
For people who didn't grow up in families like mine, it might be hard to understand the importance of preserving the family name: a source of communal pride <i>and</i> a leveling mechanism for deficient or excessive narcissism. I learned to keep my selfish behavior in check because of the way my actions would affect my family which is why it was prudent to move to France before coming out as a rebellious sinner. Unfortunately, my obscure american name was relatively common overseas; but <i>sacrebleu!</i> I had taken my husband's name when we married! That meant I could take a french walk on the wild side without upsetting my relatives. I could break every rule in the book, indulge in a multitude of wrongs, immerse myself in a hotbed of devilish evils and yes, I am lying my ass off right now. Those internalized values which comprise who you believe yourself to be as a child, never disappear; and those internalized voices you admired and wanted to be part of? They're never silent, either, glory hallelujah!<br />
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Nevertheless, even being an uprighteous young woman with the firm intention to be good, I made mistakes growing up. Maybe in order to be good, we have to make mistakes but that means we mustn't justify a single one--and that is hard to do if no one ever said, unequivocally, that you were special. That you were born into a peculiarly special family because <i>that's where you belonged</i> and no one but spiritual warriors had ever been granted your name so never ever give up never stay down never believe you are better or worse than anyone else. You may be special but special is as special does so don't betray the people who are counting on you to protect their heritage.<br />
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Now it might sound like telling a child they were special would inflate their narcissism but being told you're special was a responsibility, not a status symbol. It wasn't a gift without strings. You lived up to your name and that meant a whole host of religious rules and social sanctions intended to build character.<br />
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Being concerned for others is the foundation upon which mature morality is constructed and it isn't an easy process for any of us. The slow development of conscience may be the task of community and my relatives seemed to know this without reading a lick of psychological literature. At least I'm fairly certain they never read an article about healthy narcissism unless it had been featured in <i>The Farm Journal</i> or <i>Reader's Digest </i>maybe<i>. </i><br />
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Nothing says "I see you" like telling a child: "You're Special"<br />
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Every family reunion followed the same pattern: first there were tears of joy at the sight of nieces and nephews and grandchildren and then hugs long-and-breathtaking. Afterwards came the stand-back-and-let-me-take-you-in look, a wizened gaze piercing souls so deep I believed Aunt Blanche could <i>out </i>an<i> </i>impostor in a single stare. Not even a sociopath could pass <i>her </i>scrutiny! What my family told me after every lasting embrace was that I was special and it was my responsibility to live up to my good name. They knew my character and what they knew had come from God's lips to their ears, no need to have it confirmed by anyone else.<br />
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One aunt said I was chosen to be in the family because the spirits had told her so and even if I didn't believe in ghost stories, her validation was deep and comforting. Knowing we are valuable, that we are a part of something bigger than ourselves, protects us when-and-if we forget our birthright. Like the time my ex dared challenge the collective agreements of an ancestral battalion of aunts and uncles and grandparents going back to Adam and Eve.<br />
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"You are Special," they had told me. "Never forget it!"<br />
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And I didn't. And it saved me.<br />
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<b>RESOURCES</b><br />
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<b>Craig Malkin</b> "The reality is that we all fall somewhere between utter selflessness and grandiosity. A healthy middle, healthy degree of narcissism, is essential for a strong sense of self. Malkin deconstructs misconceptions of narcissism and offers clear, step-by-step guidance on how to protect ourselves and promote healthy narcissism in our partners, our children, and ourselves." <i>Rethinking Narcissism: the Bad and Surprising Good about Feeling Special. </i><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Narcissism-Secret-Recognizing-Narcissists/dp/0062348116/ref=la_B00OBPS5RU_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1492625128&sr=1-1"><span style="color: #e06666;">Amazon Link</span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Craig Malkin's <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-craig-malkin/how-narcissist-are-you-fi_b_7776880.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Narcissism Test: What's Your Score?</span></a> Huffington Post. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Nina W. Brown</b> "...is professor and eminent scholar in the Educational Leadership and Counseling Department at Old Dominion University. An expert on narcissism's effects on relationships, she is the author of ten books, including <i>Children of the Self-Absorbed</i>, <i>Working with the Self-Absorbed</i> and <i>Whose Life is it Anyway?"</i> ~<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Nina-W.-Brown/e/B001IXM6Q4"><span style="color: #e06666;">Amazon page</span></a></span></div>
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<a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2012/10/testing-normal-and-yucky-narcissism.html"><span style="color: #e06666;"><i><b>Normal and Yucky Narcissism</b></i> on The Narcissistic Continuum.</span></a> "Healthy narcissism allows people to tolerate criticism and failure, and contain negative feelings like guilt which leads to even deeper pro-social emotions like remorse and forgiveness. Healthy narcissism, as described by Heinz Kohut, includes creativity, empathy, a sense of humor, awareness of finiteness, and wisdom."</div>
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<a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2008/03/test-post.html"><span style="color: #e06666;"><i><b>Healthy Narcissism</b></i> on The Narcissistic Continuum.</span></a> "Healthy narcissism plays a crucial role in the human capacity to manage challenges, successes and changes; to overcome defeats, illnesses, trauma, and losses; to love and be productive and creative; and to experience happiness, satisfaction, and acceptance of the course of one’s life." ~Elsa Ronningstam</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/archangeljpgBlog_zps9c6cc5b6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/archangeljpgBlog_zps9c6cc5b6.jpg" width="274" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Archangel </i>by Fernando Botero</td></tr>
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Resource Page: <b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/02/resource-page-is-trump-mentally-ill-or.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Is Trump mentally ill; or is he "just" a Narcissist?</span></a></b><br />
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Another of my asinine assumptions was shattered a few weeks ago. Busting through unconscious assumptions has become a <i>normalized </i>experience ever since learning that my perceptions were mine alone to own. The way I <i>think, believe and feel</i> isn't how every other person <i>thinks, feels and believes </i>and this can be a rude awakening for people like myself, people who assume their view of the world is shared by every other brilliant, moral and righteous human being whose common sense exceeds the herd mentality of the unenlightened. ha!<br />
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However, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases"><span style="color: #e06666;">and there's research to back me up:</span></a> what I see isn't what other people see even if we're staring into the same abyss. Or, in this particular situation, staring at the inevitable, regrettable and unforgettable apocalyptic outcome of Donald Trump's presidency.<br />
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When friends and family told me they supported Trump, I thought-to-myself, "Well, if you knew about the <i>inevitable harm</i> caused by pathological narcissists like I know about the inevitable harm they cause, the hair would stand up on the back of your neck and even if both your legs were broken and your eyes had been pecked out by Poe's raven, you'd crawl to a polling booth to cast your nevermore vote in braille!"<i> </i></div>
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I assumed the vast majority (as in 99%) of Americans realized Hillary would be a more competent president than a man <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/02/just-say-it-45-is-narcissist.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">who believed he was king</span></a> because nobody dared tell him otherwise. Not true. I was wrong. People saw what they wanted or needed to see in order to keep the beliefs they wanted or needed to believe. What hope does an electorate have if a highly-skilled manipulator is conning us while we're also conning ourselves? Oh, the people we believe when there's intent to deceive and oh, the lies we tell ourselves to silence the rap, rapping, tapping of unconscious assumptions.<br />
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<b>The Day My Head Nearly Exploded</b></div>
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I spoke with lots of people during the 2016 election. People who seemed rational enough to use sharp instruments instead of crayons at the voting booth. People who were employed by the healthcare industry which I assumed meant an automatic rejection of Trump because repealing healthcare would threaten their livelihood and betray their principles. You know: compassion for patients, aiding the sick and poor, emulating the Good Samaritan? But no, they didn't question what would happen to their job or their patients. I asked why they were voting for a man devoted to destroying our social safety net and they said they trusted Trump to have everyone's best interests at heart, augmented by their intuition confirming <i>he </i>was the right <i>man </i>for the job. (Lots of <i>tells </i>in the words we choose, eh?)<br />
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They also told me that if they had to sacrifice what they wanted (healthcare) in order to do the right thing for our country, then the un-treated death of their own child would have meaning. Such cult-like devotion didn't sit right by me because my daughter has multiple sclerosis and needs medical treatment and lots of it. I have learned ever since <i><a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Trumpism"><span style="color: #e06666;">trumpism</span></a> </i>took shameless hold in our american culture that appealing to people's empathy would not be effective. There's no point reminding people that anyone can get sick, even people thinking positive thoughts the whole damn day. And. There's no point bringing mercy into the conversation, either. All it does is increase people's defenses against being called heartless and cruel; and then the crazy stuff happens when people say they are showing agape love for sick people <i>because they aren't enabling</i> sloth and greed and entitlement.<br />
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One woman told me how excited she was to see American children participating in the presidential election. Her local grade school auditorium had been the polling station where she voted in November and this little kid waited outside the window waving a hand-written sign: <i>Vote Trump!</i> She assumed of course, that I'd be delighted the same way she was. I managed an oddly weird smile wondering if she'd feel the same delight if her own son acted like Trump. Would she want her son mimicking Trump's low character because that's what kids do when they idealize role models. Was she okay with Trump's whatever-it-took-to-win attitude, his lying, his cheating, his "ends justifying the means" philosophy? Did she believe his millions of dollars compensated for a lack of conscience and empathy? And what about her daughter, the one who wanted to run for president when she grew up? Would she be okay if on her daughter's way to the lectern, a man reached out and gave her a thumbs up in her <i>what-nots?</i> Would that be okay? Or would this mother need to see the man's financial assets in order to determine his rights to her daughter's <i>down-theres? </i></div>
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I gave up on the uneducated populace having a clue about Trump's narcissism (we call 'em "civilians" in the recovery community). These were people who didn't know a whit about narcissism, as unwitting as my naive self when meeting a man who betrayed his promises and blamed his inadequacies on me. Who was I to criticize people who hadn't studied narcissism as extensively as myself and my peers, some of whom have traveled this bumpy road for years now.<br />
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And so I asked a few self-educated, experienced people what they thought of Trump, assuming any person who could recite their NPD's with academic footnotes and experiential anecdotes would recognize <i>tout suite</i> that Trump was a narcissist. I assumed our discussions would center on <i>just how narcissistic Trump might be,</i> not NO, he isn't a narcissist. I assumed discussions would admit we weren't able to diagnose anyone with a mental illness because we weren't psychologists, but my wizened friends would agree Trump was a tragedy-in-the-making. I assumed my peers would reject Trump accompanied by the moral urge to warn people about the ruthless territory we'd be in if he were elected. I assumed any american with a grain of sense would reject a bilious cad believing women were up for his grabs, service objects in his bed-rheumy eyes. "Surely recovery folks like me, will see his narcissism!" Or so I assumed. And then Trump was elected and the unbelievable fact of his presidency took days to sink into my brain. It was <i>that </i>unreal!</div>
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I couldn't believe Trump had been elected and the shock of my disbelief battled back and forth unremittingly before settling into a horrible reality. It was a lot like that moment after learning about NPD and a woman had to admit with a thud that she'd married a dud. At least this time I knew hearing myself say, <i>"I cannot believe..."</i> was a sure-sign of cognitive dissonance, the tweety-birds reaction we write about during recovery. This reaction was proof I had unconsciously idealized the American electorate. We tend to do that, assume everyone thinks like we do even when we know they don't. I didn't think <i>I </i>did that anymore, though. I assumed my knowledge about cognitive biases would prevent self-deception or at least make it easier to catch. But the truth is that I, without realizing it, had assumed Americans wanted to be the self-professed moral beacons they bragged about being to the rest of our rudderless world. It simply would not compute in my brain that people who claimed to be the most compassionate and fair-minded and god-worshiping people on earth would be thrilled to have the most exploitative, entitled and self-worshiping narcissist to ever run for president. I had to shake my head until the marbles rolled into alignment and for better or worse, <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/03/a-traumatic-election-emotional.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">I started writing</span></a> again. </div>
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And then...<i>I dared talk about Trump on a narcissism forum. </i>Now one would think discussing Trump and narcissism would be a topic everyone could agree on, right? Or is it just me, maybe its me; and even if I'm the only person who assumed "informed" people would agree Trump was a narcissist, I can accept my asinine-tinged assumptions and open my mind. A little. But dear readers who have managed to stick with me all these years, be wary of asking the following question at your next sermon about Jesus, at your familial dinner table with sick relatives needing care, in a narcissism forum or message board with DSM-reading people, or even at your local sandwich shop piling on the ham and cheese. Pause. Think. Choose wisely before asking:</div>
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"Do you think Trump is mentally ill or JUST a narcissist?"<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Louis XVI or Donald Trump?</i></td></tr>
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<i>"If you are foolish enough to ask, at least don't assume other people see the same pomposity you see!"</i><span style="text-align: center;"> </span>And that is the wisdom of an Aquarian with a visionary mind and humanitarian principles that aren't always shared by the rest of humanity, or so my astrology-interested daughter delights in telling me each time I bump up against r-e-a-l-i-t-y. She says my cool temperament disguises my passionate beliefs while continually and constantly <i>and inadequately</i> arguing my case against bigotry and ignorance. (Paterson) She also tells me I'm a Rowan Tree keeping people from getting lost on long journeys, protecting them from malevolent beings. Do you feel better about following my blog now? I do.</blockquote>
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So I asked the question: <span style="text-align: center;"><i>"Do you think Trump is mentally ill or JUST a narcissist?"</i> </span>and DSM-educated people answered. Then I watched them leap through fiery hoops and over devilishly high obstacles to protect his majesty's reputation while trump-splainin' to the Rowan Tree. While they danced and twirled and dislodged themselves from all-that-is-holy-and-sacred, it felt like I was looking at myself a dozen years ago. They were me and I was them, a spectacle in self-deception 'cuz yea, I performed similar gymnastics defending the narcissist near and dear to my heart---soaring through hoops on fire with the accompanying scorch marks to prove my loyalty.<br />
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And that is why I know that:<br />
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When you don't want to see what you don't want to see, there's almost no ends to which you'll go exalting that person before admitting you made a mistake; that the person you chose was a taker, a faker, a heartless policy maker. We can handle the truth sooner than we think most of the time, and then and only then will we see what we didn't want to see when we <i>assumed </i>a certain narcissist mirrored our <i>thoughtful reflection</i>.<br />
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As long as people don't examine unconscious biases, they can believe Trump is a benevolent patriarch who despite his clumsy authoritarian ways, has everyone's best interests at heart. And because he's such a lovable goofy and oh-so-ordinary guy like themselves (add his money to absolve all sins), they trust they'll be rewarded for preserving his rights while giving up their own. It's the same lousy story in every narcissistic relationship---we trust and they betray. Period. So in my e-steamed and unprofessional opinion, Trump triggers people to construct the same defenses we used with the first narcissist in our lives. As hard as it is to admit being duped conned and taken for a ride (nobody likes it!), there is richness to be gleaned from self-exploration and self-honesty.</div>
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<b>The Big Debate </b><b>Resource Page:</b><br />
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<b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/02/resource-page-is-trump-mentally-ill-or.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Is Trump Mentally Ill or is he "just" a Narcissist?</span></a></b></div>
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Currently, the psychological community is engaged in a <i>yuuuge </i>debate about Trump's narcissistic personality. Clinical psychologists, experienced in understanding and identifying the narcissistic personality, have chosen sides. The argumentation is that Trump has a mental illness, a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and the citizenry should be warned about his pathology. He's not "just" a narcissist like politicians and celebrities and bloggers tend to be.<br />
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Because my lousy sciatica has me grounded in a comfy chair, I pulled together a <b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/02/resource-page-is-trump-mentally-ill-or.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Resource Page</span></a></b> for people who might not have time to google and collate this debate. I hope my page of links will make it easier to follow this history-making discussion, one that will be talked about for years <i>if we survive Trump's presidency</i>. And let's give respect where respect is due because psychologists will suffer fall-out for suggesting Trump has a mental illness. This can't have been an easy decision for anyone and yet psychologists have taken a courageous stand anyway. Now that's a role model worth mimicking.<br />
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Hugs all! (Even those who told me Trump was awesome)<br />
CZ<br />
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<b>RESOURCES</b><br />
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Cognitive Biases.<span style="color: #e06666;"> <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases"><span style="color: #e06666;">Wikipedia page</span></a>.</span></div>
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Helena Paterson. 1998. <i>Celtic Astrology. </i>Pg. 20<br />
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Dana Milbank. <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/apparently-repealing-obamacare-could-violate-international-law/2017/04/25/2794a77c-29f4-11e7-b605-33413c691853_story.html?utm_term=.131120134263"><span style="color: #e06666;">Repealing Obamacare Could Violate International Law</span></a><span style="color: #e06666;">.</span> April 2007 <i>The Washington Post </i>(Post-election note: I'm not sure why people aren't troubled by the United Nations warning Trump that repealing healthcare violated international law. Trump-folks told me the great USA would never bow to nobody, especially not the UN).<br />
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<a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/03/a-traumatic-election-emotional.html"><span style="color: #e06666;"><b>A Traumatic Election: Emotional Overwhelm and Voice</b></span></a> March 2017. <i>Narcissistic Continuum</i><br />
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<b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/02/just-say-it-45-is-narcissist.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Just Say It: 45 IS a Narcissist!</span></a></b> February 2017 <i>Narcissistic Continuum</i><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Portrait of Woman with Bowl of Cherries</i>, artist unknown</td></tr>
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As mentioned in my <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/02/just-say-it-45-is-narcissist.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">very-long-form commentary about our 45th president</span></a>, writing allows me to communicate with others <i>and with myself</i>. It's funny, but during a typical day, my thoughts don't crystallize into words like maybe some people's do. Maybe some people ruminate in full sentences capturing winsome quotes for impromptu lectures. (Kids love those---use abundantly and often) In my case however, I'm feeling and thinking the whole day long yet oblivious to the content until typing at the keyboard or as of late: <i>showering</i>. And that is why scribblers like myself need to buy waterproof markers for jotting deep thoughts on bathroom tiles and shower glass doors. </div>
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I'm a solitary person and appreciably modest. I like my privacy, no one in my family or neighborhood will disagree. So it's been rather disturbing that for the past year-and-a-half, I have been sharing my shower with 45. I've been unconsciously (I swear!!) inviting 45 into my bathroom more often than a prudish woman care admit. I open the shower door, poise my foot near the drain, and spy a creepy patch of mold in the corner and that's it. That's all it takes. A creepy patch of mold puts me in the mind of 45 and from there it's free association all the way to toenail fungus. That's not an odd connection if you think about it. 45 is very similar to toenail fungus: you hope you never get it; it's disgusting; you have no idea where it came from; you wish you could give it back to whomever gifted you with it in the first place; and, you'd spend your inheritance eliminating the problem if you could but you can't. So adaptable folks adjust, learning to live with shower molds and fungi---with the assistance of support groups helping one other survive the insufferable experience.</div>
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Actually, what <i>truly </i>happened as water trickled down my scalp was an out loud transformation of trapped feelings into conscious words. Words marched through my brain like a scrolling ticker tape and the relief of telling myself what I'd been thinking-on-the-sly made me laugh. Which hasn't happened for months because for months, I couldn't get past the emotional-overwhelm-stage. Being wordless is as exhausting for me as walking a tightrope over an alligator swamp. People like me aren't aware we're suppressing our thoughts and emotions until noticing we can't read anything longer than 145 characters, we're that tired. That's an exaggeration but still, concentrating long enough to read a book without skipping sentences or starting at the end, is pretty much hopeless when you're controlling yourself that tightly. I think the reason some of us unconsciously numb feelings is because we're fearful losing control, triggering the past and stirring things up which we don't have time for because we <i>must stay on the lookout</i> for post-election madness reminding us of post-narcissistic-relationship madness and rightly so. I have been miserably quiet for a year and not by choice. This is an unhealthy situation for a keyboard conversationalist.<br />
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It's awful living without words when you've trained yourself to say what you feel (an important step in recovery work) and trust people enough to tell them (another important step in recovery work). Empathy and kindness have rooted me to reality and connected me to people like nothing else. Not books nor clergy or therapists, nothing has grounded me like kindly people embracing my story and sharing their truths with me. People who cared enough to listen, even if they couldn't relate precisely, even if we disagreed! We needn't mirror one other perfectly---we only need to care enough to let people be or feel or think whatever they think or feel or are.<br />
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We treat other people the way we want to be treated and humanity blossoms, civilization flourishes. (An important truth to remember in the days of trumpism).<br />
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But the thing is, in order to restore our voice, we need to acknowledge our feelings and declare what we think. This integration process restores power to its rightful owner: Ourselves. We share heart-healing conversations with anyone who will listen and admit that sometimes, we can be our own worst listeners. I knew something was up last week when "Help Me!" appeared in the condensation on my shower walls. That's one way to get my attention!</div>
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This past year I have felt blocked and numb because I couldn't express myself with civility nor precision. My bumbling attempts to talk about the election only entrenched political differences between family and friends, <i>losing common ground rather than finding it</i>. Instead, (and it's my fault for underestimating my emotional vulnerability and over-estimating mutual good will), I leaped into the River of No Return without a bridge in sight. That is definitely not normal and ordinary behavior for me. When we see ourselves acting in contradictory ways, we gotta ask, "What-the-hell-is-going-on......<i>with me?" </i>Panic. Fear. Memories. Helplessness. Anger. Obsession. Confusion. Anxiety. Patriarchal Overlords. OhMyGodWeElectedMyEx. Loss. Grief. Irritability. DoomGloomBoom-We'reDead!<br />
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By the time my feelings have run their course from mild irritation to global annihilation, the worst is nearly over. For whatever reason or why, the next stage is a breakthough: the return of my sense of humor. Humor-in-the-face-of-fear has been a reliable companion, generally delaying her appearance until my Super Competent Self, the bridge-building-common-ground-finding-peacemaker, admits defeat. Then and only then will Humor answer distress calls. She showed up. I relaxed and breathed deeply.</div>
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This makes me wonder if I haven't been breathing for a year. Could be.</div>
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All I know is that after writing about 45 last week, my lungs gathered power like a steam engine with enough energy to write that long essay and cook dinner, too. And make yogurt, want my recipe? Yesterday, I shelved a stack of books that have been sitting in my family room for years, a ghostly "Sort Me!" etched in the dust. My conclusion and it's a viable one, is that writing about 45 and expressing my opinion made me feel better. Stronger. Capable. Slightly more fearless. When my thoughts drifted towards an inevitable world-war-three after dinner that night and emotional distress choked my breath, the vision of toe fungus anchored me to the present. I felt better again. Surely 45 has toenail fungus at his age. It breeds in golf shoes people say, though I don't know because I don't golf. I'm too busy washing soft hand towels for the people who love me.<br />
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The thing about attention-hungry narcissists is they take too much of everyone's time, too much of our attention is redirected from our lives to theirs. Too much attention is stolen from the task of growing up, getting older, embracing life's joys and life's miseries. Our lives are diminished when a narcissist targets every fear and wish <i>he knows we have,</i> but we don't. We won't understand the interruption until noticing we're noticing 45's every gesture, speculating about his motives, ruminating and guessing and predicting his moves. When we're more focused on 45 <i>than ourselves,</i> (or our kids, our jobs, our wants and needs) that's when we know we're stuck in a narcissistic soap bubble dangerously circling the drain.<br />
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The good news is that bubbles aren't impossible to escape. The process starts with a list: how are you feeling? What are you <i>feeling</i>? Tell me your <i>thoughts </i>about toenail fungus... </div>
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Me, I'm feeling angry. I'm angry because Americans are busy people with responsibilities and kids and showers to clean. We want to do the right thing by informing ourselves <i>just enough</i> to cast our vote. We trust political parties will block unqualified candidates and if an unethical narcissist is elected gawd forbid, our love for America means we'll give our support to the president because that's what Americans do. It's normal to hope for the best and grant a new president the benefit of our doubt, but these aren't normal times, are they?<br />
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I've lived through lots of elections and never suffered emotional distress, or fear, or shame for electing a man of such low character to represent Americans and serve as our children's role model. I hoped my son would grow up to be like President Carter or even Reagan but <i>I hope to God</i> nobody's child grows up to be like 45! I assume myself to be in the majority who say 45 should never have been a nominee but at this point, we're stuck with a scary man whose hulking presence triggers ptsd in people who've been traumatized by scary hulking men taking advantage of anyone with less power than themselves. A scary hulking narcissistic man who <i>feels better after hurting people---</i>a sure sign of narcissism if ever there was one. Nobody within his reach wants 45 to feel bad: a condition called "walking on eggshells" in the recovery circles I hang out in.<br />
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My nephew asked me why our family had never obsessed on prior presidents the way we've zeroed in on 45. Are we more politically responsible than we used to be? More civic minded? Are we addicted to 45? If so, the whole world is addicted to 45. We are a peoples obsessed.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px; text-align: center;"><i>John Wagner Family</i> by Sheldon Peck</td></tr>
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I told him, "Well, nations are like families, kiddo. When presidents and parents can't be trusted, everyone focuses on he-who-has-the-most-power. Kinda like a mouse and an elephant locked in a small room. If you're the mouse, you'd better notice every move the elephant makes. For the elephant? Not so much."<br />
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When parents aren't doing their job, the resulting dysfunction breeds obsession. Kids understand survival depends on predicting a parent's behavior because figuring out what happens next can make the difference between a safe day and a scary one. Children pay close attention to the things narcissistic parents <i>do </i>because they can't trust what narcissistic parents <i>say</i>. On the other hand, children also learn to dismiss hyperbolic threats as nothing more than letting off steam. "Oh, Dad's just mad. He's not <i>really</i> gonna build a wall and mortar his family behind bricks......<i>is he?" </i> And the kids roll on the ground laughing at such nonsense until Dad comes home with a truckload of bricks and says they'll be paying for the wall with their inheritance 'cuz an honorable man keeps his promises. If you're confused right now...great...I've done an excellent job explaining narcissism.<br />
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Important Point to Remember:</div>
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People are not supposed to spend every waking hour making sure a parent won't hurt them, nor that an elected leader isn't robbing them blind, blowing up the planet, or treating citizens like objects to be moved around his Monopoly board. Presidents are supposed to be like Moms. If they're doing their job right, we won't even know they're there.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="padding-top: 4px; text-align: center;"><i style="font-size: 12.8px;">Mother and Child</i><span style="font-size: 12.8px;"> by Sturtevant Hamblin </span></td></tr>
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Trauma Reactions: Write It Out</div>
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A day without feelings is another win for 45</div>
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Now that 45 is president, he oh-so-much reminds people of things we don't want to remember so we numb ourselves. Any painful memory can be triggered by 45. Memories of trust betrayed; memories of scapegoating, chaos, and <i>a distortion of truth so disorienting you can't trust your own mind</i>. Memories of being lied to and cheated on and hurt by someone you cared about but could not get away from. We can't go No Contact with 45 any more than children can avoid an abusive parent. Instead, we look for ways to appease political tyrants---just like children appease tyrannical parents. That's how the narcissistic relationship felt as a kid and that's how it feels as an adult; however, our <i>feelings aren't facts</i> we're reminded; and <i>we aren't kids anymore</i>, we tell ourselves. We need to find ways to prevent ourselves from slipping into unhealthy behaviors like suppressing thoughts and numbing feelings---a useful tactic for children, a silencing and powerless tactic for adults. We may feel better in the short term but we are not safe. Speaking thoughtfully and honestly has never been more imperative than it is now.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Dorothea Dandridge</i></td></tr>
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When we've suffered a trauma, we should also admit to ourselves that no one is ever <i>over it.</i> No, we learn to live with it, to make peace with our memories and agree to co-exist. We know the past can surprisingly reach into the now. Regression happens to everyone and it happens to me and I've devoted myself to recovery forever. I'd tell you how long but fear you might give up if you're told recovery can't be done in six months or a year. Fact: it can't be done in six months or a year.</div>
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One sign we might be dealing with trauma reactions is losing our voice. If you feel trapped in a wordless space yet don't know what you're feeling, get a waterproof marker or a pen or a keyboard. Write whatever you are thinking and feeling. Write without judgment, without restraint, and with honesty. Get in the shower and close your eyes, take a deep breath and let your thoughts float in the mist. Observe your thoughts, but observe them as a friendly witness, <i>not a judge.</i><br />
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Writing about 45 last week eased some of my panic-inducing rumination---that hellish place where anxious feelings and dire thoughts lead to fear and confusion leading to powerlessness and stress. Allowing myself to criticize 45 was <i>healing</i>. (I was raised to be deferential and if you weren't raised that way, you might not understand how hard it is for obedient girls to defy authority...even when we're supposedly <i>liberated</i>). People who've suffered trauma are prone to e<i>motional overwhelm</i> and that's a serious disadvantage right now. In our divided nation, conversations require an appreciation for opposition and a careful articulation of differences. Talking candidly about 45 will be a learning curve and we won't be very adept in the beginning and that's okay. (My lousy attempts sharing political concerns without being overwhelmed by my emotions, has already proven that).<br />
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Many of us have experienced nasty consequences for speaking our mind when mutual good will is as scarce in society as kindness in 45's heart. But for some of us, speaking truth to power is the only way to counter our victimization, the only way to recover our full humanity. My hope is that writing about my personal reactions to <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/02/just-say-it-45-is-narcissist.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">a president who IS a narcissist</span></a>, will assist in liberating your voice, too. You're not alone in your struggle to cope with a man who flaunts his political power by hurting the <i>vulnerable </i>and punishing the <i>different</i>----a situation so creepily familiar it's hard finding words to express our fears.<br />
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Now, about that shower mold...<br />
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Hugs all,</div>
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CZ<br />
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<b>Resources</b><br />
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<a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Trumpism"><span style="color: #e06666;">trumpism:</span></a> <i>"The belief system that encourages abrasive, pretentious, narcissistic behavior as the way to achieving money, fame and power."</i><br />
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/emotional-overwhelm"><span style="color: #e06666;">GoodTherapy.org </span></a><b> </b></span><i>"<b>Emotional overwhelm</b>, or a state of being beset by intense emotion that is difficult to manage, can often affect a person's ability to think and act rationally or perform in an efficient and functional manner. A state of emotional overwhelm may be caused by stress at home or work, traumatic life experiences, relationship issues, and much more." </i><br />
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="https://www.expressiveartworkshops.com/creative-counselling/inner-child-therapy-worksheets/creative-practices-for-emotional-overwhelm/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Creative Exercises for Emotional Overwhelm</span></a></span></div>
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Seltzer, Leon. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201507/trauma-and-the-freeze-response-good-bad-or-both"><span style="color: #e06666;">Trauma and the Freeze Response</span><span style="color: #e06666;"> </span></a><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lisbeth Zwerger, <i>Tales from the Brothers Grimm</i></td></tr>
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Two years have passed since posting regularly. Not writing has been a personal loss because writing tells me what I think, believe, know and <i>don't know. </i>My fellow bloggers most likely share those startling moments when you're typing along like a madwoman and suddenly realize you don't know what you thought you did when you first started explaining yourself to your self. That's when a woman admits she needs to look around--if she's wise enough to know she didn't know what she believed she knew; and honest enough to admit what she believed to be true, wasn't. The path to personal integrity means <i>admitting what we don't want to know,</i> and grounding ourselves in a reality we assumed only existed in the imagination of <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Handmaid%27s_Tale"><span style="color: #e06666;">Margaret Atwood</span></a></span>.<br />
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<span style="text-align: center;">We write things down in order to realize what we're hoping for and what we fear. Writing is a self-awareness technique that's true, and it's a grounding skill. Think of writing as if it were a reality push-pin when anxiety distorts perceptions and we're prone to escape. </span>If your mind is wandering to better times past or utopias future, stick a pin in the moment by scribbling a fact that's undeniable. Something like, "My feet are hot beds of coal right now" or, "It's raining." Feeling your body and seeing the sky brings you back to the present moment, the only place any of us has power to change a thing. Like taking off our shoes and grabbing an umbrella.<br />
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I have learned through recovery work that it's useful to pay attention to anxiety and write things down <i>before </i>lofting into a fool's paradise---an oft-visited place after discovering my best friend wasn't. The lousiest thing about that <i>fact</i> is: I didn't vote for the guy. I married him and that's an inconvenient truth that's incontestable. Here's another <i>fact</i>:<br />
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<span style="text-align: center;"><b>Trump IS our 45th President </b></span><br />
<span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span><span style="text-align: center;">Now you can call him Trump or whatever you choose but he'll always be 45 to me. The "tru" in his name sounds like <i>trust</i> and the "ump" sounds like <i>triumph </i>neither of which is comforting or true, even if we feel better by telling ourselves so. </span><span style="text-align: center;">This past year has been unsettling and</span> the temptation to escape hovers like a beast. I've been browsing science fiction novels in bookstores and even worse: the New Age section, godhelpme you know things are serious when that happens! The nightly news is stuck on permanent mute and dinner conversations center on asinine History Channel episodes we aren't ashamed to watch. The creepiest thing has been catching myself scanning Netflix queues for romance movies dontjudgeme. When I am willing to sacrifice my dignity for ninety minutes of paradise, it's time to write reality into existence and ground myself in the now. And so I do because writing has kept me sane, especially when I did not <i>want </i>know what I <i>needed </i>to know. Now this next sentence is gonna disgust me to have to write, <i>THO' I MUST,</i> and it might make me pass out on my keyboard, however:<br />
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<span style="text-align: center;"><b>Trump IS our 45th President </b></span><br />
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<span style="text-align: center;"><br /></span>Just seeing that sentence scares the livin' daylights out of me and I'd rather pretend to be a princess in a fairy tale where tragedy ends well and happy is forever. Fantasy Land beckons when people are uncertain or damn near terrified to death. I haven't visited Fantasy Land for ages, not since the last stay when my incredible psychic skills turned a rat bazturd into Captain Moroni. By the way, any human being of any nationality, in any country on earth, can transform a turd into a potato, in case you didn't know--in case you hadn't caught your *prestidigitatious self in the act of self-deception. I've come to grips with the fact that any woman can see a prince in a frog which means I'm not that special after all. All she has to do to is ignore what she doesn't want to see, and believe anything confirming what she does. A woman can live in a world like that for a <i>very</i> long time so before you visit, word to the wise: make sure you have a proper visa for when you're ready to go home because:<br />
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<span style="text-align: center;"><b>Trump IS our 45th President</b></span></div>
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If you've been studying narcissism, you've probably made connections between your observations of 45 and *DSM criteria for a narcissistic personality. If you've read Dr. Simon's book <i>In Sheep's Clothing</i>, you've likely concluded that indeed, character matters, even when observable traits don't add up to a mental illness or a personality disorder. We recognize untrustworthy people by the unethical things they do, the Machiavellian choices they make, the lies they tell over and over for no reason other than the joy of the con.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lisbeth Zwerger</td></tr>
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In the fall of 2016, something unbelievable happened. A bullfrog became a King-in-mar-a-lago. Some of us felt our anxiety rising. We know what it means when frogs and kings are <i>extremely </i>self-centered, <i>extremely </i>entitled, <i>extremely </i>exploitative, and yikes vindictive. Narcissism is always <i>in the extremes</i> and no one can argue the King's behavior hasn't been extreme. At some point, and it may not be a yuuge deal when it happens, the narcissist's defenses will break down and when they do, God help us if he has the power to grind underlings beneath his shoe.<br />
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Why Talk About Narcissism?<br />
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When a woman has suffered the cold disdain of a man who promised to take care of her and love her ('cuz only <i>he </i>would do that; she's just that yucky), she never forgets. She warns everyone she can that it's wise to be vigilant when survival is tied to someone who can, on a whim, crush your life as if you were a disposable nobody. The truth is and some might call this a <i>fact</i>: I may be nobody to <i>that </i>somebody but I'm somebody to lots of nobodies and that's what matters most to me. As a consequence, many of us have spent hours and years of our lives, learning about narcissism. We've done this even after ending a relationship that broke our hearts. We continue learning, <i>not to cast blame on people with narcissistic personalities,</i> we continue learning to protect ourselves from further harm. We study to end the misery and we study because contrary to allegations, we care about the narcissist. We seek understanding in order to heal because we love peace more than revenge.<br />
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We study to keep the reality push-pin firmly in the present because we know the exquisite pain of losing ourselves in fantasy. One narcissistic relationship oughta be the limit though hardly anyone's that lucky and if they are, they won't know it. Most of us will be born to, exposed to, work with, marry, and/or elect more than one narcissist in our lifetime which is why it's relevant to identify and understand <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Narcissism-Secret-Recognizing-Narcissists/dp/0062348116/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1487972774&sr=1-1&keywords=craig+malkin"><span style="color: #e06666;">normal narcissism</span></a> (Malkin) as well as pathological. There's a lot we can do to minimize subsequent misery but only if we admit that what we didn't want to see, <i>was</i>. What we don't want to see, <i>is</i>. That we didn't know someone's behavior was not within the bounds of normal and now we do.<br />
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Who then can forget being scolded, even by friends, <i>for not realizing something was wrong</i> before a crisis shattered our lives. Were we gluttons for punishment? Were we too lazy to seek answers? Did we want to be hurt? And so we learn. But even then, even after gaining a reasonable understanding of the narcissistic personality and accepting things we didn't want to know about human beings we're told:<br />
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You SHOULDN'T diagnose <i>Other People</i></div>
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Do you feel shamed for having done something so egregious, so w-r-o-n-g as saying 45 is a narcissist? Something you shouldn't have done, wagging forefingers scold. Neighbors, too. Add family to the list if your relatives believe 45 is God's mouthpiece and you shouldn't criticize Him. People are absolutely "<i>shoulding</i>" all over themselves and they're <i>shoulding</i> all over me, shaming people for utilizing what we've learned and applying this knowledge to a man with enough power to control other people's lives, <i>but not enough to control his own</i>. A man with the will to destroy his enemies; i.e.: those who disagree. Some of us are frightened and justifiably so. We shout, "Check for rain!" because we have learned that nothin' nice comes from ignorance and nothin' good comes from self-deceit. There is no safety in denial my friends, not even when the multitudes are humming lyrics in biblical harmony.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lisbeth Zwerger</td></tr>
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I recently read an article that felt like a scolding and that's what triggered me to write. The psychologist criticized "amateurs" because <i>people</i> <i>shouldn't diagnose other people</i>. We should only diagnose someone if they're sitting in our clinic and even then we shouldn't share the diagnosis because privacy rights. We are free to diagnose our own narcissism though because anyone reading our opinion about someone else's narcissism, knows this to be an irrefutable way to out ourselves.<br />
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Question: Is narcissism a mental illness?<br />
Answer: No.<br />
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Some psychologists are irritated that concerned citizens insist 45 has a mental illness because his behaviors exceed the normal parameters of common decency. It's important to remember however that narcissistic traits, even <i>extreme </i>narcissistic traits, do not a mental illness make.<span style="text-align: center;"> E</span>ven if every rat on this sinking ship agreed 100% that 45 was <i>a narcissist</i>, being a narcissist is not a mental illness. Acting like <i>a brute</i> is not a mental illness. You can be <i>a jerk</i> and a <i>royal asshat</i> and it's not a mental illness. You can leave your wife and cheat your boss and forget your kids and it's still not a mental illness. (some call it male privilege but that's another tangent dontflameme). The only degree of narcissism considered to be a mental illness is NPD, the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Any degree of narcissism short of a NPD <i>is not a mental illness</i>.<br />
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<i>Fact Alert:</i> People who are close to the narcissist might develop a mental illness (ptsd, depression, anxiety, for example). It's important to know that while <i>narcissism is not a mental illness,</i> narcissists are frequently diagnosed with mental disorders "...such as depression and bipolar disorder, with consequent increases in risk of suicide, alcohol and substance abuse, and eating disorders...As these persons get older, mood disorders can worsen because of dissatisfaction with their personal and professional lives." (Dimaggio)<br />
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All of which goes to say students-of-narcissism can suggest without shame or hesitation that in our learned opinion, 45 is <i>a narcissist</i> and this does not imply he's mentally ill. And there's another reason why you can't diagnose someone with a NPD. Why not? Because you're not a clinician and you're not creating a plan requiring an accurate diagnosis for proper treatment and insurance billing. So for whatever it's worth: <i>you aren't diagnosing other people</i>. You're offering an opinion. You're putting your knowledge to work. You're observing behaviors and connecting your observations to what we know about the narcissistic personality. As Dr. Craig Malkin reiterates, <span style="text-align: center;">"Being a narcissist is not a diagnosis. It never has been."</span><br />
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If you aren't a clinical psychologist and you don't have a pot worth suing to piss in, you're free to say whatever you believe about 45. You're free to say you think I'm a narcissist and it'll be your constitutional right to say so---even if you make me cry. (I'm joking about crying under the scrutiny of opinion and if a simple woman like myself can toughen up, so can 45). I don't think anyone needs to protect 45 by scolding people for questioning his behavior. If I were teaching Narcissism101, he'd be my premier role model. I'd ask my students to:<br />
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1) make a list of 45's behaviors that are identifiable as narcissistic traits;</blockquote>
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2) check in with yourself. Do you feel as though your soul has been kidnapped and dropped in a hellhole of perpetual horror? If you're disoriented and the nightly news makes your knees buckle, please count <i>your misery </i>as additional criteria.</blockquote>
Here's a fact about my readers and myself: we don't <i>just </i>have opinions about narcissism, as shallow as opinions can be. We have <i>informed</i> opinions based on first person experiences ouch and extensive studies whew. What's the point of identifying and understanding the narcissistic personality if we <i>shouldn't </i>draw conclusions based on our observations and express <i>realistic </i>concerns for the wholedamnworld's welfare?<br />
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Resisting the Urge to Escape:<br />
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Staying in Present Time When Present Time Sucks</div>
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Ground yourself in reality, <i>what is</i>, not what you wish it to be. Apply what you've learned about narcissists by protecting yourself emotionally and financially. In other words: prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Take action. Focus on those who have power over your life. Do not blindly trust politicians nor expect magical transformations---the transformation you hoped would have happened to the narcissist, yet never did. You know what I'm talking about: Malignant Optimism. Magical Thinking. Fantasy Land. That fairy tale place where princesses meet frogs and divorce thirty years later.<br />
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<b>Understand your reactions to narcissistic personalities.</b> Make sure you aren't falling into self-destructive patterns because you're anxious and afraid. Avoid irrationality, like 45 encouraging you to take a leap of faith---wha'dya have to lose---insisting you can't trust anyone but him. Trust yourself! And remember that everyone prays for a rescuer when the <i>fact</i> of the matter is: you rescue yourself first and help others rescue themselves later and on and on true empowerment goes. When someone promises to save you and nobody can but him, well...alls I can say is that thousands of people heard that line and now they're studying narcissism. So don't be shy about sharing what you've learned and what you've observed because this is the way we build safe societies...one honest conversation at a time. We talk to each another. We speculate. We tell one another when someone's headed over a cliff and that includes being warned about ourselves.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Lisbeth Zwerger</td></tr>
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If 45's authoritarian style is <i>silencing </i>for you, resist! If you're afraid to break the <a href="http://galewarnings.blogspot.com/search?q=no-talk+rule"><span style="color: #e06666;">No Talk Rule</span></a>, talk to your diary. Not Talking is a rule that <i>should</i> be broken. We can build healthy connections by sharing what we know about narcissism so don't isolate. Tell yourself, "This is what I see today" and write it down. Find a listening ear. Talk things over with people who can tolerate your gnarly opinions and accept the fact that you don't know what you hope to know in the future but you're willing to learn from your mistakes today. Don't scare your neighbors into building bomb shelters stockpiled with ammunition. There are better ways to stay grounded <i>on top of your lawn</i>, rather than hiding underneath it.<br />
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Resist<br />
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Resist the urge to deny, rationalize or excuse presidential abuses. Resist the temptation to diminish narcissism as irrelevant, pretending anything short of a NPD won't be caustic for democracy. It will be. When self-interest is rigidly ingrained, that's toxic narcissism and it's ruinous for partnerships, families, communities and countries.<br />
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Be Kind<br />
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If you sincerely want to resist 45's influence, <i>persist in being kind</i>. Be kind to the people you love; be kind to those you don't; be kind to yourself. It's not your fault people didn't know they were voting for <i>a narcissist</i>. And even if they did, they rationalized the potential for harm. We've had narcissistic leaders before, people tell themselves, why is 45 any different? Where shall we start my friends? How about discussing people's fear of saying anything bad about 45? Would that be a good place to start?<br />
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Hope<br />
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I believe we can create a healthier society now that we're talking about narcissism. Undoubtedly, some psychologists will resent laypeople grappling with psychological information. Undoubtedly, some armchair psychologists will use this information to discredit and harm people. Psychologists have, right? But you and I know that people (including ourselves) have judged-and-labeled one another in cruel and malicious ways long before libraries stocked copies of the DSM. Being told we shouldn't talk about narcissism will not stop the labeling, nor will it end the stigma of mental illness.<br />
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My preference for eliminating stigmas is broadening human understanding through open discussions. Silencing fosters attacks on one another's humanity through ignorant judgments and pejoratives, the <i>lack</i> of understanding.<br />
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I believe we're making a difference, you and me and everyone writing about narcissistic relationships and narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorders. Sure, it can seem as though every disgruntled person on the planet is diagnosing everyone else as a self-centered narcissist; this is part of the learning process. We are moving towards a more accurate knowledge of healthy-to-pathological narcissism and we'll get it right if we persist in wrangling with proper application, even when we're told we <i>shouldn't</i>. People are talking about narcissism now. Don't stop. Not even if you're "diagnosing" 45.<br />
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Hugs all,<br />
CZ<br />
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<i>"We have been socialized to respect fear more than our own needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us.”</i> ~Audrey Lorde<br />
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<b>Resources</b><br />
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Prestidigitatious. This is not a word. 😉<br />
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DSM is an abbreviation for the <i>Diagnostical and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders</i>, first published in 1952.<span style="color: #e06666;"></span><br />
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Dimaggio, Giancarlo. <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/personality-disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-rethinking-what-we-know"><span style="color: #e06666;">Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Rethinking What We Know</span></a><b> </b></span><br />
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Frances, Allen. <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/14/opinion/an-eminent-psychiatrist-demurs-on-trumps-mental-state.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Imminent Psychiatrist Demurs on Trump's Mental State</span></a> </div>
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Lakoff, George. <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="https://georgelakoff.com/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Website</span></a> </span>and <a href="https://georgelakoff.com/blog/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Blog</span></a></div>
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Malkin, Craig. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201509/psychologists-open-letter-us-voters"><span style="color: #e06666;">A Psychologist's Open Letter to US Voters</span></a></div>
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Malkin, Craig. <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Rethinking-Narcissism-Secret-Recognizing-Narcissists/dp/0062348116/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1487972774&sr=1-1&keywords=craig+malkin"><span style="color: #e06666;">Rethinking Narcissism</span></a> </span>on Amazon</div>
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Simon, George. <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301/ref=pd_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=0A58J0ENGASGG8EVGKNW"><span style="color: #e06666;">In Sheep's Clothing</span></a> </span>on Amazon</div>
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Illustrations by the amazing Lisbeth Zwerger. </div>
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<i>"Lisbeth Zwerger is one of the most honored illustrators alive today. She has been recipient of virtually every recognition an illustrator can be given including the most prestigious of all, The Hans Christian Andersen Medal as well as special recognition at the Bologna Children's Book Fair. Her Noah's Ark, Little Red Cap and The Wizard of Oz were all selected by The New York Times as a "Best Illustrated Books of the Year.""</i> ~<a href="http://childscapes.com/bookpages/zwerger.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Link</span></a></blockquote>
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Introductory Article:<br />
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<b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/04/assumptions-confessional-and-resource.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Assumptions: a Confessional and a Resource Page</span></a></b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEi4vWvNiUKVF1jCeqoXXHlGu6i-gQQSGYj4mkBSGJZSM4D1_ypYXf1aL9s4iRjJYfVjT3cvwYb09gZkAwyNGTZksTDO6ZY5ucwfkH-6cvWmosxIzMnl5fzAdtnlpstJIrwohsT3CcK9J3ULRuzp7S2jp6rVL7Z0kEd_=" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="24" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEi4vWvNiUKVF1jCeqoXXHlGu6i-gQQSGYj4mkBSGJZSM4D1_ypYXf1aL9s4iRjJYfVjT3cvwYb09gZkAwyNGTZksTDO6ZY5ucwfkH-6cvWmosxIzMnl5fzAdtnlpstJIrwohsT3CcK9J3ULRuzp7S2jp6rVL7Z0kEd_=" width="320" /></a><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Disorder or Politics?</span></b></div>
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<b>Distinctions between <i>Normal </i>and <i>Pathological</i> Narcissism</b><br />
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Craig Malkin. <b><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/romance-redux/201509/psychologists-open-letter-us-voters"><span style="color: #e06666;">A Psychiatrist's Open Letter to U.S. Voters</span></a></b> September 2015 <i>Huffington Post</i></div>
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"Being a narcissist is not a diagnosis. It never has been. Narcissists are people higher in narcissistic traits than the average person, and while they may or may not be disordered, they all share one thing in common: They feel special. Some feel special enough to lead a nation, in fact. What we should be far more concerned about is not whether politicians are narcissists—most are—but how healthy they are."<span style="text-align: center;"> </span></div>
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(This is normal "trait" narcissism)</div>
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Brian Resnik. <a href="http://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2017/2/10/14551890/trump-mental-health-narcissistic-personality" style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;">The psychiatrist who says diagnosing Trump is “bullshit”</a><b style="color: #e06666;"> </b>February 2017<i> Vox</i><i> </i></div>
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"People who have a true narcissistic personality disorder [NPD], Allen Frances explains, experience a crash of some sort, even if they can’t see it for themselves. They’ll lose their jobs, their spouses and children will abandon them, and their “bubble of grandiosity [will] burst,” he says. “They feel absolutely miserable, can’t function, can’t face the world.” <span style="text-align: center;"> </span></blockquote>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
Craig Malkin. <b><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/patient-in-chief_us_58b1cea3e4b0658fc20f95e8"><span style="color: #e06666;">Patient-in-Chief</span></a></b> February 2017 <i>HuffPost </i></div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Diagnosing NPD is complicated, but the core of the disorder comprises what I call triple E: <i>exploitation</i>, callously using others to maintain a special status; <i>entitlement</i>, acting as if the world should bend to one’s will; and finally <i>empathy-impairment,</i> where the drive to feel special blinds people to the pain and suffering of others. More troubling, because they desperately need to feel special, people with NPD can become psychotic.<span style="text-align: center;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
If Trump has NPD, the whole country should be alarmed. Because for people with NPD, feeling special eclipses all other considerations, including dealing with the world as it is rather than what they need it to be."<span style="text-align: center;"> </span></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
(This is pathological narcissism. NPD is a mental illness)</blockquote>
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<b>"America was unprepared for the startling, disarming force of Trump’s tornadic personality, and equally unprepared to understand the central role of his shamelessness in explaining it. Consequently, his shamelessness has been variously misunderstood, rationalized, minimized, ignored, excused and enabled time and again." </b>~<span style="text-align: start;"><b><a href="http://www.powercommunicating.com/2017/03/30/our-shameless-president/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Steve Becker</span></a></b> </span></div>
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<b>Malignant Narcissism: </b><b>NPD + Psychopathy</b><br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="141" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/UAaV-iGL8lM?rel=0" style="text-align: start;" width="250"></iframe><br />
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<b><span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://www.powercommunicating.com/2017/02/07/hello-clinical-world/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Hello Clinical World? Where are you? </span></a></span></b><b><a href="http://www.powercommunicating.com/2017/02/07/hello-clinical-world/"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Shameful Silence on Donald Trump</span></a></b><br />
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
"Where, then, has the voice of the clinical world been—to offer the necessary, sufficient, and only responsible “explanation” of Donald Trump? To explain that this is what malignant narcissists, what psychopaths are; this is how they behave? This is what, and who, Trump is. This explains Trump. That voice has been silent. Missing. Cowering behind “ethical codes” in an abject abdication of ethics." ~<span style="text-align: center;">Steven Becker, </span><span style="text-align: center;">February 2017</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEi4vWvNiUKVF1jCeqoXXHlGu6i-gQQSGYj4mkBSGJZSM4D1_ypYXf1aL9s4iRjJYfVjT3cvwYb09gZkAwyNGTZksTDO6ZY5ucwfkH-6cvWmosxIzMnl5fzAdtnlpstJIrwohsT3CcK9J3ULRuzp7S2jp6rVL7Z0kEd_=" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="24" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEi4vWvNiUKVF1jCeqoXXHlGu6i-gQQSGYj4mkBSGJZSM4D1_ypYXf1aL9s4iRjJYfVjT3cvwYb09gZkAwyNGTZksTDO6ZY5ucwfkH-6cvWmosxIzMnl5fzAdtnlpstJIrwohsT3CcK9J3ULRuzp7S2jp6rVL7Z0kEd_=" width="320" /></a><br />
<b>Statement by</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b> The American Psychological Association (APA)</b></div>
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<br />
August 2016<br />
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<b><a href="https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/apa-blog/2016/08/the-goldwater-rule"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Goldwater Rule: Why Breaking it is Unethical and Irresponsible</span></a></b></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<i>The Goldwater Rule:</i> "On occasion psychiatrists are asked for an opinion about an individual who is in the light of public attention or who has disclosed information about himself/herself through public media. In such circumstances, a psychiatrist may share with the public his or her expertise about psychiatric issues in general. However, it is unethical for a psychiatrist to offer a professional opinion unless he or she has conducted an examination and has been granted proper authorization for such a statement.”</blockquote>
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<b><br /></b></div>
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<b>Opposition To The APA</b></div>
<br />
Jon Sharman. <b><a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/us-psychiatrists-donald-trump-mental-health-goldwater-rule-fear-reprisals-illness-psychology-unwell-a7707951.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">US psychiatrists 'fear reprisals if they speak out' on Donald Trump's mental health</span></a> </b>April 2017. <i>The Independent</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Psychiatrists are afraid they will be sued or reported to professional regulators if they say Mr. Trump is suffering a mental illness, Dr. John Gartner told <i>The Independent</i>, adding he had received “a lot of very crude hate mail” after speaking out...some colleagues are worried about being sued. Complaints could be made against their licence. There's a fear of it. Losing your licence is the worst thing that could happen to you. It's enough to make many back off.”</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"I think history will judge the position of the APA very harshly." ~Dr. James Gartner</blockquote>
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<b>Statements, Manifestos and Letters</b></div>
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<b>by Psychologists </b></div>
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Richard Greene. <b><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-greene/is-donald-trump-mentally_b_13693174.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Is Donald Trump Mentally Ill?</span></a> </b>December 2016 <i>Huffington Post</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<i>"Dear President Obama: </i>We are writing to express our grave concern regarding the mental stability of our President-Elect. Professional standards do not permit us to venture a diagnosis for a public figure whom we have not evaluated personally. Nevertheless, his widely reported symptoms of mental instability — including grandiosity, impulsivity, hypersensitivity to slights or criticism, and an apparent inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality — lead us to question his fitness for the immense responsibilities of the office. We strongly recommend that, in preparation for assuming these responsibilities, he receive a full medical and neuropsychiatric evaluation by an impartial team of investigators." signed by Judith Herman, M.D. Nanette Gartrell, M.D. and Dee Mosbacher, M.D., Ph.D.</blockquote>
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Gail Sheehy. <a href="http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2017/04/yale-psychiatrists-cite-duty-to-warn-about-unfit-president.html?mid=twitter_nymag" style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;">Psychologists Cite Their "Duty To Warn" about an Unfit President</a> April 2017</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Dr. Bandy X. Lee, a diminutive Yale psychiatry professor who organized the meeting, puts it this way: <i>“The Goldwater Rule is not absolute. We have a ‘Duty to Warn,’ about a leader who is dangerous to the health and security of our patients.” </i>She has formed a coalition by that name, and it now comprises almost 800 mental-health professionals who are “sufficiently alarmed that they feel the need to speak up about the mental-health status of the president.” </blockquote>
<span style="text-align: justify;">Hal Brown. </span><i style="text-align: justify;">Transcript:</i><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span><b style="text-align: justify;"><a href="http://www.dailykos.com/story/2017/4/23/1655450/-Exclusive-Dr-John-Gartner-s-speech-to-Yale-Duty-to-Warn-Conference-on-Trump-s-mental-unfitness"><span style="color: #e06666;">Gartner’s Yale "Duty to Warn" Conference</span></a></b><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="text-align: justify;">April 2017</span><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span><i style="text-align: justify;">DailyKos</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i style="text-align: justify;">"Duty to Warn:</i><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="text-align: justify;">"...a patient told his psychologist he was planning to kill his girlfriend, and the doctor, citing confidentiality, failed to warn the potential victim before she was murdered. As a result, the duty to warn is law in 33 states, and enshrined in the ethical code of every mental health profession. But if we have a legal and ethical duty to warn one potential victim, how much greater must our ethical burden be if there are millions of potential victims?" </span><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span></blockquote>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dr. John Gartner. <a href="https://www.change.org/p/trump-is-mentally-ill-and-must-be-removed?utm_content=petition&utm_medium=email&utm_source=61357&utm_campaign=campaigns_digest&sfmc_tk=yuX8comubTwuCFZdn2kfMU9hrOCqz9cM%2b3pKxZxJRY%2bCvW5xGEMYBUvK7z1CEr3F" style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;">Mental Health Professionals Declare Trump is Mentally Ill And Must Be Removed</a><b style="color: #e06666;"> </b><i>C</i><i>hange.org</i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"We, the undersigned mental health professionals (please state your degree), believe in our professional judgment that Donald Trump manifests a serious mental illness that renders him psychologically incapable of competently discharging the duties of President of the United States. And we respectfully request he be removed from office, according to article 4 of the 25th amendment to the Constitution, which states that the president will be replaced if he is “unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office.”"</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
(There are currently over 50,000 signatures.)</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<b><a href="https://medium.com/the-fifth-estate/an-interview-with-dr-john-gartner-we-have-a-duty-to-warn-the-world-about-donald-trump-e1b54223c913"><span style="color: #e06666;">Joshunda Sanders interviews Dr. Gartner who said:</span></a></b> "We don’t really expect that [Trump]’ll be removed by his cabinet under the 25th amendment...We have a <i>duty to warn</i> the public about the danger that Donald Trump’s mental health poses to the world. We don’t have the answer. We do feel a professional obligation to be witnesses...<i>Our duty to warn is more important than the Goldwater Rule</i>..."</blockquote>
William Doherty. <span style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;"><a href="https://citizentherapists.com/manifesto/" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: #e06666;">A Public Manifesto: Citizen Therapists Against 'Trumpism</span></a>'</span> </span>August 2016<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<b>"The effects of 'Trumpism':</b> 1) <i>Fear and alienation</i> among scapegoated groups, beginning with Latino immigrants and Muslims, and then other groups who become identified as threats; 2) <i>Exaggerated masculinity</i> as a cultural ideal, with particular influence on young people and economically insecure men; 3) <i>Coarsening </i>of public life by personal attacks on those who disagree; 4) <i>Erosion </i>of the American democratic tradition which has emphasized the agency of we-the-people instead of the Strong Man tradition of power..."</blockquote>
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Allen Frances. Letter To the Editor: <b><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/02/14/opinion/an-eminent-psychiatrist-demurs-on-trumps-mental-state.html?_r=0"><span style="color: #e06666;">An Eminent Psychiatrist Demurs on Trump’s Mental State</span></a></b> February 2017 <i>The New York Times </i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="text-align: justify;">"I wrote the criteria that define this disorder [NPD], and Mr. Trump doesn’t meet them. He may be a world-class narcissist, but this doesn’t make him mentally ill, because he does not suffer from the distress and impairment required to diagnose mental disorder. Mr. Trump causes severe distress rather than experiencing it and has been richly rewarded, rather than punished, for his grandiosity, self-absorption and lack of empathy."</span><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span> </blockquote>
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<b>The DEBATE </b></div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
Sally Satel. <b><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2016/10/it_s_ok_to_speculate_about_donald_trump_s_mental_health.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">It's Okay to Speculate About Trump's Mental Health</span></a> </b>October 2016 <i>Slate </i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="text-align: justify;">"the assessment of mental disorders changed to a more objective system of taxonomy in 1980 with the publication of the DSM-III. A number of diagnoses are now made largely on a person’s <i>observable behavior</i> or what can reasonably be inferred from it. So it is now possible to make a psychological assessment from afar. The question remains of whether it is appropriate."</span> </blockquote>
Benedict Carey. <b><a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/16/health/analyzing-donald-trump-psychology.html?_r=3"><span style="color: #e06666;">Is It Fair to Analyze Trump From Afar?</span></a> </b>August 2016 <i>The NewYorkTimes</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"But those using clinical language to describe Mr. Trump’s behavior contend that this presidential election is vastly different, for a big reason: The proliferation of social media comments and video clips, which afford direct, unscripted access to candidates, was simply not available in previous races. The depth of that material creates a public persona complete enough to analyze on its own merits, they say." </blockquote>
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PT Staff. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainstorm/201701/shrinks-battle-over-diagnosing-donald-trump" style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="color: #e06666;">Shrinks Battle Over Diagnosing Donald Trump</span></a><b> </b>January 2017 <i>Psychology Today</i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Gartner argues that the mental health community has an obligation to protect the public that overrides the Goldwater Rule, and that even in the short time since the inauguration, Trump has proved himself “a clear and present danger.” [NPD] What’s more, he believes the Goldwater Rule is no longer relevant because it was established before the DSM made diagnosis behaviorally based. “We don’t need to interview Donald Trump to get reliable information. We have a lot of data based on his actions. The DSM is not a hard book to read. Trump’s lying has been documented publicly in The New York Times.” </blockquote>
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PT Staff. <span style="text-align: justify;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brainstorm/201701/shrinks-battle-over-diagnosing-donald-trump" style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;">Shrinks Battle Over Diagnosing Donald Trump</a><b style="color: #e06666;"> </b></span>January 2017 <i>Psychology Today </i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Calling Gartner’s petition “a temper tantrum,” Berglas insists that keeping out terrorists the wrong way does not warrant calling Trump mentally ill. And the fact that Donald Trump mocked a reporter is deplorable but doesn’t mean he’ll be faster to press the nuclear button. “Donald Trump is a thoroughly inadequate human being,” Berglas insists. “That is a matter of relevance to the electorate. <i>Why isn’t honesty important to voters?” </i> </blockquote>
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Mary Sword and Philip Zimbardo. <b><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-time-cure/201702/the-elephant-in-the-room"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Elephant In The Room.</span></a></b> February 2017 <i>Psychology Today</i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Through our observations, we can see Trump as embodying an unconstrained present hedonist—living only in the present moment and saying whatever it takes to pump up his ego and assuage his inherent low self-esteem, without thought of past reality or potentially devastating future consequences. He is the poster boy for a time perspective that is totally unbalanced. Unfortunately, given his personality type, there is little hope of reversal or any meaningful improvement." </blockquote>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Kelly Hayes.<span style="color: #e06666;"> <b><a href="http://www.truth-out.org/news/item/39356-don-t-call-trump-crazy-the-dangers-of-pathologizing-bad-politics"><span style="color: #e06666;">Don't Call Trump Crazy: The Dangers of Pathologizing Bad Politics</span></a></b></span> February 2017 <i>Truthout </i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="text-align: justify;">"Some have even argued that it's "okay" to assess a public figure's mental health from a distance, despite longstanding psychiatric standards that prohibit such speculative diagnoses. The ethics that prohibit such diagnoses have, however, had little effect on public narratives that depict Trump as being "insane." </span> </blockquote>
Steven Resiner. <b><a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2017/03/donald_trump_isn_t_mentally_ill_he_s_evil.html?wpsrc=sh_all_tab_tw_top"><span style="color: #e06666;">Stop Saying Donald Trump Is Mentally Ill</span></a></b> March 2015 <i>Slate</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Trump is evidently not suffering and he cannot be said to be impaired. We may not like his leadership style, but his personality seems mainly to have been an asset for him in the worlds of real estate and politics...By the sheer force of his personality, power, bullying tendencies, and money, Trump can bend reality to his perspective, which he does using a simple technique: He simply shifts the evidence for what is real from facts to feelings.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Our efforts have to be aimed not at diagnosing Trump, but at stopping 'Trumpism'. To call it madness is to try and bring it into the realm of the familiar and to miss the real threat that Trump embodies: He thrives in turmoil, he has an uncanny ability to bend the world to his reality, he is charismatic and ruthless, hypnotic and terrifying, and we, in this country, have rarely seen his like before. To fight 'Trumpism', we must actively expose and combat the overpowering reality he is trying to create—and we must abandon the comforting delusion that Trump is delusional." </blockquote>
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<a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Clip%20Art/r1285_fea_narcissiam_d-d563c2f5-dbe8-47a9-b304-1cf540e08c72_zps6bzkuoxb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Clip%20Art/r1285_fea_narcissiam_d-d563c2f5-dbe8-47a9-b304-1cf540e08c72_zps6bzkuoxb.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image from<i> RollingStone.com</i></td></tr>
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<b><a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/features/trump-and-the-pathology-of-narcissism-w474896"><span style="color: #e06666;">Trump and the Pathology of Narcissism</span></a></b> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
by Alex Morris </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
April 2017 <i>Rolling Stone</i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Trump's childhood seems to suggest a history of "pedestal" parenting. <i>"You are a king," </i>Fred Trump told his middle child, while also teaching him that the world was an unforgiving place and that it was important to "be a killer." Trump apparently got the message: He reportedly threw rocks at a neighbor's baby and bragged about punching a music teacher in the face. Other kids from his well-heeled Queens neighborhood of Jamaica Estates were forbidden from playing with him, and in school he got detention so often that it was nicknamed "DT," for "Donny Trump." When his father found his collection of switchblades, he sent Donald upstate to New York Military Academy, where he could be controlled while also remaining aggressively alpha male."</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"I think his father would have fit the category [of narcissistic]," says Michael D'Antonio, author of <i>The Truth About Trump</i>. "I think his mother probably would have. And I even think his paternal grandfather did as well. These are very driven, very ambitious people."</blockquote>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>More Observations and Opinions</b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<span style="text-align: justify;">Susan Milligan. </span><b style="text-align: justify;"><a href="https://www.usnews.com/news/the-report/articles/2017-01-27/does-donald-trumps-personality-make-him-dangerous?src=usn_tw"><span style="color: #e06666;">Tempermental Tantrum</span></a></b><span style="text-align: justify;"> January 2017 </span><i style="text-align: justify;">US News and World Report</i><br />
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"Lawmakers and experts say they are troubled by Trump's extraordinary focus on his own brand and popularity, including frequent and angry insistences that his crowds are bigger and more enthusiastic than anyone else's and that, despite official vote counts to the contrary, he really won the popular vote for president." </blockquote>
<span style="text-align: justify;">Samantha Kilgore. </span><b style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://www.inquisitr.com/2870145/malignant-and-psychopathic-donald-trump-expert-studies-600-hours-of-trump-footage/"><span style="color: #e06666;">600 Hours of Trump Footage</span></a> </span></b><span style="text-align: justify;">March 2016 </span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Sam Vaknin, a mental health expert and author, has studied over 600 hours of Donald Trump footage and made the harsh conclusion that Donald Trump is not simply a classic narcissist — he is, in fact, a “malignant and, probably, psychopathic narcissist." </blockquote>
Dan P. McAdams. <b><a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2016/06/the-mind-of-donald-trump/480771/"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Mind of Donald Trump</span></a></b> June 2016 <i>The Atlantic</i><br />
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"In the realm of politics, psychologists have recently demonstrated how fundamental features of human personality—such as extroversion and narcissism—shaped the distinctive leadership styles of past U. S. presidents, and the decisions they made... In this essay, I will seek to uncover the key dispositions, cognitive styles, motivations, and self-conceptions that together comprise his unique psychological makeup." </blockquote>
Henry Alford. <b><a href="http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2015/11/donald-trump-narcissism-therapists"><span style="color: #e06666;">Is Donald Trump Actually a Narcissist? Therapists Weigh In!</span></a></b> November 2015 Vanity Fair<br />
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“Remarkably narcissistic,” said developmental psychologist <i>Howard Gardner,</i> a professor at Harvard Graduate School of Education. “Textbook narcissistic personality disorder,” echoed clinical psychologist <i>Ben Michaelis</i>. He’s so classic that I’m archiving video clips of him to use in workshops because there’s no better example of his characteristics,” said clinical psychologist <i>George Simon,</i> who conducts lectures and seminars on manipulative behavior. “Otherwise, I would have had to hire actors and write vignettes. He’s like a dream come true.” </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
“[Trump is] the very definition of the American success story, continually setting the standards of excellence”—to this mind-set, Trump may be a kind of bellwether. Gardner said, “For me, the compelling question is the psychological state of his supporters. They are unable or unwilling to make a connection between the challenges faced by any president and the knowledge and behavior of Donald Trump. In a democracy, that is disastrous.” </blockquote>
Steve Becker. <span style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://www.powercommunicating.com/2017/04/26/donald-trump-psychopathic-aka-sociopathic-president-media-clinical-world-afraid-call/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Donald Trump, the Psychopathic President</span></a> </span>April 2017<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"The “strength” and “balls” Trump projected throughout his campaign to mesmerizing effect—really, his compulsive transgressing of social decency and norms—derived not from true strength and courage, but a childish, fixated, immature, pathological shamelessness that left, and leaves him, free to shock, test, toy, provoke, manipulate, lie, blame and attack with self-impunity." </blockquote>
Seth Davin Norrholm. <b><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/the-professional-ethical-challenge-of-publicly-discussing_us_58ff72b3e4b0c13feaa5c8a1"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Ethical Challenge of Discussing a President Who Appears Cognitively Compromised.</span></a></b> April 2017 <i>The Huffington Post</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"I tend to believe that we are seeing a confluence of co-morbid neuropsychiatric clinical presentations. Outside of a comprehensive evaluation, there is no way to further nail this down clinically. <i>What can no longer be debated is the lack of fitness for duty of this President</i> (setting aside apparent Russian collusion and/or treason as well as continued violations of the Emoluments Clause of U.S. Constitution), <i>and the urgent need for action on behalf of concerned citizens here and worldwide. "</i> </blockquote>
<span style="text-align: center;">Allen Frances. </span><b style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allen-frances/trump-isnt-crazy-we-are-f_b_14519180.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Trump Isn’t Crazy; We Are For Electing Him</span></a> </b><span style="text-align: center;">February 2017 </span><i style="text-align: center;">Huffington Post</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Trump isn’t crazy, but our society certainly is for electing someone so manifestly unfit and unprepared to be responsible for mankind’s future."</blockquote>
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<b>Coping As Citizens: The Fall-Out</b></div>
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Hannah Thomas-Peter. <b style="text-align: justify;"><a href="http://news.sky.com/story/how-the-trump-effect-is-transforming-the-us-10640375"><span style="color: #e06666;">How 'The Trump Effect' is transforming the US</span></a></b><span style="text-align: justify;"> November 2016 <i>SkyNews</i></span><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"The <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_Poverty_Law_Center"><span style="color: #e06666;">SPLC</span></a> has been tracking a spike in hate activity and crime. The director of the group's Hate Watch programme said that Mr Trump had done more to energise and embolden hate groups than any politician in modern American history." (+ videos)</blockquote>
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Agnieszka Golec de Zavala. <b><span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="https://theconversation.com/welcome-to-the-age-of-collective-narcissism-71196"><span style="color: #e06666;">Welcome to the Age of Collective Narcissism</span></a> </span></b>January 2017</div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="text-align: justify;">"Perhaps being involved in democratic processes and institutions can equip collective narcissists with more constructive and less parochial ways of connecting to others. To discourage further escalation of inter-group animosities, we need to understand collective narcissists better as it’s clear they are not going away."</span> <span style="text-align: start;"> </span></blockquote>
Maria Konnikova. <b><a href="http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/01/donald-trump-lies-liar-effect-brain-214658"><span style="color: #e06666;">Trump's Lies versus Your Brain</span></a> </b>January 2017 <i>Politico</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<i>"What happens when a lie hits your brain? </i>The now-standard model was first proposed by Harvard University psychologist Daniel Gilbert more than 20 years ago. Gilbert argues that people see the world in two steps. First, even just briefly, we hold the lie as true: We must accept something in order to understand it. For instance, if someone were to tell us—hypothetically, of course—that there had been serious voter fraud in Virginia during the presidential election, we must for a fraction of a second accept that fraud did, in fact, take place. Only then do we take the second step, either completing the mental certification process (yes, fraud!) or rejecting it (what? no way). </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Unfortunately, while the first step is a natural part of thinking—it happens automatically and effortlessly—the second step can be easily disrupted. It takes work: We must actively choose to accept or reject each statement we hear.<i> In certain circumstances, that verification simply fails to take place.</i> As Gilbert writes, human minds, “when faced with shortages of time, energy, or conclusive evidence, may fail to unaccept the ideas that they involuntarily accept during comprehension.” </blockquote>
George Lakoff. Video: <b><a href="http://www.wnyc.org/story/george-lakoff/"><span style="color: #e06666;">How Talking About Trump Makes him Normal In Your Brain</span></a> </b>December 2016 (12 minute audio)<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"...the very fundamentals of journalism should be redefined in order to stave off normalizing Trump. Lakoff and Brooke discuss the unconscious effects that Trump’s language, image, and name have on the brain."</blockquote>
<b><a href="http://www.wnyc.org/story/on-the-media-2016-12-02/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Normalize This!</span></a> </b>(50 Minute audio)<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"we ask the AP, Univision, NPR, USA Today, and other news outlets about how they are defining a relationship with a president-elect who flouts traditional rules, spreads misinformation, and criticizes the press. Then we turn to language. Listeners help us highlight moments in media coverage that obscure the truth, and journalist Masha Gessen warns of the "impulse to normalize." Plus, linguist John McWhorter describes the phenomenon of partisan words, and cognitive scientist George Lakoff argues that the principles of journalism need to be redefined... because of how our brains work."</blockquote>
Joseph Burgo. <b><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shame/201508/the-populist-appeal-trumps-narcissism"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Populist Appeal of Trump's Narcissism</span></a></b>. August 2015 <i>Psychology Today</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Extreme Narcissists like Donald Trump rely on a characteristic set of defenses to evade painful truths about themselves and to shore up that inflated sense of self: <i>righteous indignation, blame, and contempt</i>. For voters who may feel small and helpless in the face of rapid change, who are worried about their economic future and social standing, or frightened by a complex world beset by seemingly intractable problems, Trump models a simplistic way to vanquish self-doubt and defend oneself against existential anxiety...When he enlists those traits in the service of a populist message, <i>the Extreme Narcissist models for anxious voters a way to dispatch their own fears and uncertainties."</i> </blockquote>
<span style="text-align: justify;">Steven Stosney. </span><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201704/how-cope-trump-anxiety" style="font-weight: bold; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #e06666;">How to Cope with Trump Anxiety</span></a><b style="text-align: justify;"> </b><span style="text-align: justify;">April 2017 </span><i style="text-align: justify;">Psychology Today</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"Our current environment, amplified by 24-hour news outlets and social media, has created a level of stress, nervousness, and resentment that has intruded into many people’s lives and intimate relationships, the likes of which I’ve not seen in nearly 30 years of clinical work..." </blockquote>
Seth Davin Norrholm.<b> <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/how-the-trump-administration-is-screwing-with-our-fear_us_58ec56bde4b0145a227cb80a"><span style="color: #e06666;">How the Trump Administration is Screwing with our Fear Circuits</span></a> </b>April 2017. <i>The Huffington Post</i><br />
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"The result of the conflicting morass of information from which we are bombarded leaves us in a potentially distressing position that can include feelings of increased vulnerability, confusion, and unpredictability.<i>"</i> </blockquote>
<b><span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="https://www.splcenter.org/sites/default/files/splc_the_trump_effect.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">Teaching the 2016 Election: The Trump Effec</span></a>t</span></b> (pdf download)<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"More than two-thirds of the teachers reported that students—mainly immigrants, children of immigrants and Muslims—have expressed concerns or fears about what might happen to them or their families after the election. More than half have seen an increase in uncivil political discourse. More than one-third have observed an increase in anti-Muslim or anti-immigrant sentiment. More than 40 percent are hesitant to teach about the election." </blockquote>
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Jon Sharman. <a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-mental-illness-signs-yale-psychiatrist-dr-bandy-lee-dangerous-us-president-goldwater-a7700816.html" style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;">Donald Trump behaviour ‘showing a lot of signs’ of dangerous mental illness</a><b style="color: #e06666;"> </b>April 2017 <i>The Independent</i></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
“Most of my patients are violent offenders. I’ve been treating them and designing programmes for them for over 20 years. Since the morning after Mr Trump’s election, there has been a marked surge in violence among my patients. They find justification for their violence in the rhetoric. Asked whether she had similar fears under Barack Obama’s presidency, she said: “No. None of us had this level of concern.” ~Dr. Brandy Lee</blockquote>
<span style="text-align: justify;">David Scharfenberg. </span><a href="http://www.bostonglobe.com/ideas/2017/03/09/make-narcissism-great-again/o4YHhJUVfnkS8KWgG969nL/story.html?event=event25" style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #e06666;">Make Narcissism Great Again</span></a><b style="color: #e06666; text-align: justify;"> </b><span style="text-align: justify;">March 2017</span><b style="color: #e06666; text-align: justify;"> </b><i style="text-align: justify;">Boston Globe</i><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"[Trump's] appeal is immense,” says Elizabeth Lunbeck, who is now working on a book about narcissism in the age of Trump. “And people have not come to terms with that.”</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
“George,” a Wilkes-Barre, Pa., resident voted for Trump. Attending a Trump rally, he told her, was the most fun he’d had in years. “Trump would say, ‘What am I going to build?’ And we would scream, ‘A wall!’ He would say, ‘And who is going to pay for it?’ We yelled back, ‘Mexico!’ . . . We know that he’s not actually going to get Mexico to pay for it, but it was fun to lighten up, to cheer along with everyone else, just like back in high school, when we would cheer that our teams were definitely going to win, even when they were bad.” </blockquote>
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<i>"Toute nation a le gouvernement qu'elle mérite."</i><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">"Every nation gets the government it deserves." ~<a href="https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Joseph_de_Maistre"><span style="color: #e06666;">Joseph de Maistre</span></a></span></div>
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<b>But remember, Fellow Learners :</b></div>
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<b><a href="http://www.grahameb.com/pinkola_estes.htm"><span style="color: #e06666;">We were made for these times</span></a></b></div>
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<span style="text-align: justify;">by Clarissa Pinkola Estes</span><br />
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"The lustre and hubris some have aspired to while endorsing acts so heinous against children, elders, everyday people, the poor, the unguarded, the helpless, is breathtaking. Yet, I urge you, ask you, gentle you, to please not spend your spirit dry by bewailing these difficult times. Especially do not lose hope. Most particularly because, the fact is that we were made for these times. Yes. For years, we have been learning, practicing, been in training for and just waiting to meet on this exact plain of engagement." ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEi4vWvNiUKVF1jCeqoXXHlGu6i-gQQSGYj4mkBSGJZSM4D1_ypYXf1aL9s4iRjJYfVjT3cvwYb09gZkAwyNGTZksTDO6ZY5ucwfkH-6cvWmosxIzMnl5fzAdtnlpstJIrwohsT3CcK9J3ULRuzp7S2jp6rVL7Z0kEd_=" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="24" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEi4vWvNiUKVF1jCeqoXXHlGu6i-gQQSGYj4mkBSGJZSM4D1_ypYXf1aL9s4iRjJYfVjT3cvwYb09gZkAwyNGTZksTDO6ZY5ucwfkH-6cvWmosxIzMnl5fzAdtnlpstJIrwohsT3CcK9J3ULRuzp7S2jp6rVL7Z0kEd_=" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b> RESOURCES </b><br />
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Book: Drew Pinsky and Mark Young. 2009 <span style="color: #e06666;"><b> <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Mirror-Effect-Narcissism-Endangering-Families/dp/0061582344/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487699471&sr=8-1&keywords=the+mirror+effect+Pinsky"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Mirror Effect: How Celebrity Narcissism Is Endangering Our Families--and How to Save Them</span></a></b></span><br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
<i>The Mirror Effect</i> involves a certain progression of steps: (1)The viewer consumes a consistent diet of images of celebrities behaving in attention-getting, narcissistic ways, images that make the behavior appear both entertaining and attractive; (2) The viewer develops a preoccupation with these images, to the point that the behavior begins to seem normal, even desirable; (3) consciously or unconsciously, the viewer begins to adopt the behavior, with detrimental or even dangerous consequences. Thought it's not a necessary step, the cycle is completed if; (4) the viewer then takes advantage of open-access media to indulge his own narcissistic urges, reflecting the behavior back to the public at large." (pages 136-137)</blockquote>
Book: Steven Buser, Leonard Cruz, Jean Shinoda Bolen, Nancy Swift Furlotti. 2016<b style="color: #e06666;"> </b><a href="https://www.trumpnarcissism.com/product/a-clear-and-present-danger-narcissism-in-the-era-of-donald-trump/" style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;">A Clear and Present Danger: Narcissism in the Era of President Trump</a> (<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Clear-Present-Danger-Narcissism-Donald/dp/1630513954/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1493141484&sr=8-2&keywords=a+clear+and+present+danger"><span style="color: #e06666;">Amazon Link</span></a>)<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"The narcissist often demands that the world conform to their image in order to sustain unending adulation and praise. They are capable of viscous and cold-hearted retaliation when their image is impugned. Narcissism demands to be mirrored and refuses to be challenged...President Trump’s supporters as well as his detractors may be left asking how narcissistic traits manifest in someone who becomes President of the United States of America. <span style="text-align: justify;">The contributors share a hope that these essays will become a mirror for the reader and for a nation called to examine itself.” </span> </blockquote>
Book: Jonathan Haidt. reprint 2013 <b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Righteous-Mind-Divided-Politics-Religion/dp/0307455777"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion</span></a></b><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="text-align: justify;">
"As America descends deeper into polarization and paralysis, social psychologist Jonathan Haidt has done the seemingly impossible—challenged conventional thinking about morality, politics, and religion in a way that speaks to everyone on the political spectrum. Drawing on his twenty-five years of groundbreaking research on moral psychology, he shows how moral judgments arise not from reason but from gut feelings. He shows why liberals, conservatives, and libertarians have such different intuitions about right and wrong, and he shows why each side is actually right about many of its central concerns."</blockquote>
Article: George Lakoff. <b><span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="https://georgelakoff.com/2016/07/23/understanding-trump-2/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Understanding Trump</span></a> </span></b>2016<br />
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"The conservative and progressive worldviews dividing our country can most readily be understood in terms of moral worldviews that are encapsulated in two very different common forms of family life: The Nurturant Parent family (progressive) and the Strict Father family (conservative)."</blockquote>
Emily Yoffe. <b><a href="http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/04/27/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-in-the-white-house-215072"><span style="color: #e06666;">How to Deal with a Narcissist in the White House</span></a></b> April 2017 <i>Politico </i><br />
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"All the mental health professionals I spoke with warned that it is essential for people working for someone with a severe personality disorder to keep one’s own psychological distance and moral compass—and always have an exit strategy. In trying to please such a boss, it is easy to get swept up into his distorted worldview, with potentially disastrous professional and personal consequences." </blockquote>
Article: Karen Wehrstein. <b><a href="http://www.dailykos.com/stories/2017/1/26/1625715/-Here-s-what-s-psychologically-wrong-with-Donald-Trump?detail=facebook"><span style="color: #e06666;">Here's What's Psychologically Wrong with Trump</span></a></b> January 2017 <i>Daily Kos </i><br />
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"I am not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but for personal reasons I have educated myself about NPD...Knowing NPD creates a coherent picture that explains Trump’s behaviors. That will help you not only understand Trump, but enable you to spot people with NPD who want to enter your life, organization, etc., so that you can act accordingly. This is an educational moment in history. It is very rare that the symptoms of NPD are on such massive public display." </blockquote>
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<b>And now for a Bedtime Story </b><br />
(that'll give ya nightmares in the Age of Trumpism)</div>
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"An old chief was teaching his grandson about life. He said, “A fight is going on inside me, a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil---he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other is good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”<br />
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He continued, “The same fight is going on inside you, and inside everybody else in the world.”<br />
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At last, when the grandson asked which wolf would win, the old chief answered, “The one you feed.”<i style="text-align: center;">~ </i><b style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/justin-frank/the-debate-is-about-more-than-a-winner-and-a-loser_b_12203256.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Justin Frank</span></a></span></b><span style="text-align: center;"> </span></div>
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Introductory Article: <b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2017/04/assumptions-confessional-and-resource.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Assumptions: A Confessional and a Resource Page</span></a></b></div>
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Note: This Resource Page was originally published on April 29th, 2017. </div>
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This page has been created to host commentary about Donald Trump, our narcissist-in-chief. You're free to cheer or complain about the most embarrassing president in US history. IMO<br />
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My blog is classified as <i>Safe for Work</i>. If language is over-the-top, comments will be deleted. Blogger has rules and I like Blogger. It's free and easy and they don't get enough appreciation for their service. </div>
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So tell me: what do you think about Trump? Has he done anything that bothers you? Scares you? Have you found yourself eating comfort foods? If so, share chocolate cake recipes please.<br />
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<i>In full disclosure:</i> I believe 45 is a narcissist; however, I am open to hearing what other people think about trump's narcissism. Even people who don't see Red Flags in his behavior. </div>
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FACT: not everyone agrees 45 is a narcissist. </div>
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<i>We can still talk to one another by agreeing to disagree.</i></div>
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FACT: My opinion is decidedly resistant to arguments suggesting 45 is not a narcissist. </div>
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<i>Don't try to convert me (nor I you) and we'll get along fine.</i></div>
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<b>A few DIRECTIONS about using Blogger</b></div>
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Some people have not been able to post comments without setting up a google account. This blog is set up to accept anonymous comments so let me know if you can't post. Email me or leave a message on the forum: <b><a href="http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php?topic=13135.0"><span style="color: #e06666;">How 'bout we stop talking politics for awhile? </span></a></b><br />
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This thread has not been added to my sidebar. You cannot scroll down my sidebar links to find this article and post your comments. So you must save the link on your computer or access this thread through <b><a href="http://www.webofnarcissism.com/forums/index.php?topic=13135.0"><span style="color: #e06666;">WoN</span></a></b>. You do not need to use your WoN screenname to leave a comment. If you're comfortable using your WoN screenname, please do!<br />
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<b>When replying to someone,</b> click the "reply" link beneath their comment. It's slightly indented. Your comment will post below <i>previously posted comments</i>.<br />
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<span style="text-align: left;">Blogger's comment section may not be conducive to political discussions. Let's give it a go and see if it this format works. Or not. I'm open to suggestions and feedback. </span></div>
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(Mindfulness Music for the Soul)</div>
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Hugs,</div>
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CZ</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">"A bird in the hand is worth more than a turkey </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">in the White House"</span></td></tr>
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And now for a message from our president-elect who believes Twitter is a great form of communication: </div>
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<b>"Happy Thanksgiving to All---</b></div>
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<b>even the haters and losers!" ~DJT</b></div>
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Well, I may be a loser but I'm not a hater 'tho my inner angel nearly capitulated to my inner devil last year. The election 2016 was a sheer test of everyone's character. I nearly lost my soul once or twice, similar to the time I wished my ex in a cornfield and subsequently felt terrible about myself for weeks. So Sad!</div>
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That's the struggle for people of conscience. We feel guilty about other people's crappy behavior. </div>
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***<br />
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I have this holiday all to myself lucky me. My nephew is working which means we won't be eating turkey until tomorrow. My daughter is sick with a cold. She's confined to her bedroom. My sister (the one who lost her job two years ago), is scanning Help Wanted Ads. Since everyone in my household is occupied and nobody needs my help, I can cozy up in my office and connect with the world. </div>
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I read an unusual article about Thanksgiving this morning. It's a story about American pilgrims that has never been shared from the pulpit (at least as far as I know), nor retold in a children's book (thank goodness). <i>"Consider the colonialist,"</i> the author writes, <i>"who mistook his pregnant wife for a meal." </i><a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/11/24/the-english-settler-who-ate-his-pregnant-wife.html?via=twitter_page"><span style="color: #e06666;">Gil Troy's article about colonial cannibalism</span></a> seems fitting post-election 2016. And no, he doesn't include recipes although I will. (My recipe collection may be vast and my culinary skills renown, but never fear: my repertoire doesn't include a Roasted People with Winter Vegetables recipe). </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"<span style="font-size: x-small;">American Family suffers indigestion and possible death</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">yet refuses to question the menu."</span><br />
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One of my favorite YouTube chefs shared a delicious recipe a few years ago. I made his Peruvian Turkey in 2013 because I'm adventurous like that----AND my conservative family wasn't visiting that year. South American turkey with cilantro rice and spicy mustard greens would NOT go over well with stove-top conservatives for whom lovin'-from-the-oven means obeying time-honored recipes to a "C". Even if they taste bad. <i>Especially </i>if they taste bad. Nothing proves holy righteousness like dutifully eating a meal you dislike simply because your ancestors concocted the mess two hundred years ago. </div>
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My nephew told his coworkers about our spicy feast. He said we wouldn't let something like tradition dictate o-u-r dinner table. "We didn't want to eat a normal turkey with stuffing, yams and mashed potatoes," he said, "So, we mixed it up and created something better!"<br />
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<i>"You mean you can do that?"</i> one of his coworkers exclaimed.<i> "You don't HAVE to make the same thing everyone else is obliged to eat for Thanksgiving?"</i><br />
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You'd think we were rewriting the Constitution or something.<br />
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Who knows, maybe there are secret turkey police watching my house this very moment, waiting to bust me for non-conformity.</div>
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My nephew chuckled about the concerned look on his coworker's face. He delighted in telling us about their conversation while we planned our favorite side dishes and who would be cooking what. I think he likes the fact that our family is a tad rebellious;<i> </i>that his aunt (me) is "eccentric", or so his psychologist told him the day I wore a purple hat to therapy.<br />
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Being an eccentric-and-rebellious family has not been an easy thing to accept for my mainstream status quo sister who lives with me. It's been almost unbearable for her when people assume we're lesbians raising our son together. She tells people right off the bat that we're <i>sisters</i>---before they accuse us of loving each other or anything as horrific as <i>that</i>.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Nerves of Steel, a Will of Iron and<br />
a face just like my Dad's"</td></tr>
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I guess I'm kinda happy today, although I've tried to stay morose and fearful post-election. I tried staying morose and fearful after my marriage ended and even <i>that </i>didn't keep me down. For some reason (and it drives people nutz if they're prone to depression), I can't stay miserable for long. Not even Trump can trump my bubbly personality. ha! No! That's a joke! I'm not ebullient or effervescent but I do have nerves of steel and a will of iron which definitely comes from my Dad. Hummm..."steel nerves and an iron will" kinda makes me sound like a metal fabrication shop or something.</div>
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If you think me cheesy, below is the super cheesy Chef John whose recipe we'll be eating for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. Really---you oughta try it and you'll never go back to poultry-in-a-bag again. I dare you. Enrich your life and bring a little more of the world into your American dining room.<br />
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<b>Warning: </b>Peruvian Turkey looks like it was cooked in a volcano and blasted with a flame thrower for good measure. Plan on carving and plating your turkey before serving.<br />
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<b><a href="http://foodwishes.blogspot.com/2013/11/peruvian-turkey-for-thanksgiving-what.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Peruvian Turkey by Chef John </span></a></b></blockquote>
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<i>For the spice rub:</i><br />
12 cloves garlic<br />
1 tbsp dried oregano<br />
3 tbsp paprika<br />
1 tbsp smoked paprika<br />
1/2 cup ground cumin<br />
2 tbsp freshly ground black pepper<br />
1/2 cup soy sauce<br />
1/3 cup vegetable oil<br />
1/2 cup white vinegar </blockquote>
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Rub turkey all over, and under the breast skin with the rub. Let sit out at room temp for 1 hour. Rub extra rub inside cavity, but save a 1/4 cup or so to use as a glaze later. Tie legs, season with kosher salt, and roast at 325 F., for about 15 minutes a pound, or until the internal temp in the thickest part of the thigh is 170-175 F. Let rest 20 minutes before carving.<br />
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<i>For the sauce:</i><br />
1 cup crème fraiche<br />
juice of one lime<br />
I cup chicken broth<br />
2 jalapeno<br />
1/2 cup cilantro </blockquote>
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Place roasting pan (pour off excess fat) on med-high heat. Puree above and deglaze roasting pan with the mixture. Bring to a boil, and cook until the mixture thickens into a gravy. Season and serve!</blockquote>
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I hope my blogging friends are still around, still writing, still reading, still believing we can <i>learn, unlearn and relearn</i> whatever we need to know to build a healthier, more inclusive and compassionate society <i>for everyone.</i> Blessings!<br />
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Hugs all,</div>
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CZ</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/a_soft_place_in_my_heart.600_445_zpscdsqpkzk.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/a_soft_place_in_my_heart.600_445_zpscdsqpkzk.jpg" height="296" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #4d4d4d; line-height: 18px; text-align: start;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>A Soft Place in my Heart</i> by Pino Daeni (Dangelico)</span></span></td></tr>
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"When's Mother's Day?" someone asked for the umpteenth time, anticipating the same answer. "Nine months after Father's Day," another person quipped and then laughter. Lots of it. I kept doing the math as a little kid and could not figure out why a wrong answer made people giggle. That's how blissfully ignorant childhood <i>used to be</i>.<br />
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I'm old enough to remember the good old days when the most dreadful thing about adolescence was a parental talk about <i>birds and bees. </i>We let the media do our teaching now and that IS dreadful. Even as frustrated as I am about a corporate media influencing our children's sex lives, I keep my nostalgia in check. <i>There were never any good ol' days to go back to.</i> We must live and learn and fix the mistakes our ignorance makes. In spite of the problems we've yet to resolve, women's lives are better and safer today than they've ever been. And that includes a mother's freedom to love her children. To <i>want </i>her children.</div>
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Prior to birth control, children were consequences. Not every couple celebrated pregnancy when they already had more mouths than they could feed. My boomer generation is the first to experience reliable birth control allowing us to choose when <i>and if</i> we wanted children. While some people might view that choice as a bad thing, I believe "choice" moves our species one step closer to loving children as the miracles they are. Because we <i>want </i>them. I wanted my babies and would scoop them into my arms and tell them so, kissing their cheeks and marveling that something so precious was in my care. I didn't give it any thought, telling my children how much I wanted them. It was a natural instinct to confess they were a desire of my heart and a blessing in my life and I was grateful to be their mother. </div>
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Last year, my daughter was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. She's unable to work, has no promotions, raises or performance ratings to help her feel good about herself---to sustain her self-esteem. It's a daily struggle loving herself for "being" rather than "doing". Even though we knew our culture was obsessed with independence and success, we didn't realize the depth of our socialization. She struggles with depression like many people with incurable diseases when they can't work, can't "do," and are dependent on caregivers. She had been on her own financially for two decades but is unable to care for herself today. It's tough. Anyone can understand how difficult this would be---especially in a society denigrating dependency and joking about middle-age children living in Mom's basement. (it's a beautiful basement---don't get any notions about my basement looking like a prison!). </div>
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My daughter says what sustains her self-worth now are the warm memories of being scooped in her mother's arms, covered in kisses and told, "I wanted you <i>sooooooo much!"</i> She made me sob when telling me this story because it took forty years for me to understand the importance of a mother's instinct to love and cuddle and cherish the child she wanted. It's fundamental to a child's self-worth. It's essential to a child's sense of self.<br />
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That was kind of tear-jerkerish, as Mother's Days tend to be, so the next two stories will leave you laughing. That's my intention anyway---for you to laugh with me. This glimpse into our family is a reality check against Sentimental Mothering. I hope they illustrate the reality of mothering children who will, if they are allowed to be children, challenge her patience <i>and her ego</i>.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>Mother and Child</i> by Pino Daeni <span style="background-color: white; color: #4d4d4d; line-height: 18px; text-align: start;">(Dangelico)</span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Story One</span></div>
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My daughter was fond of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ABC_Afterschool_Special"><span style="color: #e06666;">After School Specials</span></a> (1972-1997). She was a clever tease, smart as a whip and impulsive as hyper-active kids tend to be. She liked to organize playtime and direct her friends which caused problems for her teachers at school. If she thought it, she did it, not giving mind to the consequences. As one teacher said, "Your daughter doesn't know who the teacher is."<br />
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Well, being of patient temperament, I handled her behavior in stride. Most of the time. I wasn't perfect and won't pretend to have been which probably means I came fairly close to being exactly the mother she needed. This is what she tells me anyway. I'm not sure she thought that when her tantrums were unsuccessful, no matter how dramatic or shocking they might have been.</div>
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One day we were shopping in a grocery store when she was about six or seven years old. Without fail, she was begging for this and bartering for that and appealing to God to deliver just ONE package of M&M's and she'd never cause trouble again. Her prayer was not answered and her mother did not cave. God and I both knew that sugar made her climb walls and we didn't have time to talk her down. She was upset. So upset that she glowered in the queue. Noticing her complaints had attracted people's attention, she sucked in her tummy and made a hungry face. And honestly, there was precedent for manipulating tired shoppers. More than one weary soul had pleaded for me to "give in", for the sake of their sanity. Realizing I would not relent, they sneaked Snickers in her pocket and everyone checked out in peace.</div>
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This time however, my daughter wasn't crying because she had evidently matured beyond the acceptable crying stage. Now she was into Performance Art. Maybe capturing everyone's attention had inspired her but GodOnlyKnows why she did this. I bent down to ask her to calm down and reached out to cup her chin in my hand. She threw her hands up to protect her face with both palms facing outward. Peering through outstretched fingers, she shouted, <i>"Not the FACE, Mommie! Not the FACE!" </i><br />
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And then she laughed and laughed and people offered to buy ME a drink. </div>
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Yea. Don't let perspicacious children watch After School Specials about child abuse.<br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: xx-small;"><i>The Little Prince</i> by Pino Daeni <span style="background-color: white; color: #4d4d4d; line-height: 18px; text-align: start;">(Dangelico)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large; text-align: center;">Story Two</span><br />
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Our family moved to France when our children were young and we'd visit the USA annually, to remind our kids they were Americans. We traveled to London in 1986, just as airports tightened security after terrorist attacks and bombings.<br />
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We were waiting in the Customs line with our passports when security guards carrying sub-machine guns encircled us. They separated us from astonished bystanders and motioned for us to follow them into an interrogation room. (I knew my husband was an American Asshole but didn't expect the Brits to kill him for it).<br />
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We were seated in a small room and people were staring in the windows. Our kids looked like they were ready to throw up and I was doing my best to calm Mt. Vesuvius before he spewed profanities and security guards riddled our bodies with bullets. A British officer entered the room accompanied by two guards with guns over their shoulders. The officer was holding a manila envelope with a tell-tale bulge in the center. He carefully and slowly opened the envelope and retrieved, you guessed it: a toy gun.<br />
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Yea. Don't give your kids toy pistols if you're traveling overseas.<br />
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The three of us turned towards the shortest kid in the room, who happened to be focused intently on the floor, merging with the linoleum. He didn't say a word, he'd probably swallowed his tongue. "Is that your gun?" I asked. "The one we told you NOT to bring in your suitcase? The one we told you to leave at home?" (making sure the officer knew we'd done our parental duty and if someone had to pay for this crime, we were willing to sacrifice our son).<br />
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My stern voice convinced the kid to confess. Yes, he had packed his gun even though his mother told him not to and could he please have it back 'cuz it was a wild west six shooter special cap-gun. It had sound effects. The officer ignored his request but I noticed a slight grin on his face. "I'm sealing your gun in this security envelope," he said. "Your parents can pick it up at the baggage claim. And never," he lowers his voice, "disobey your parents again." It takes a tribe to raise a kid these days. </div>
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If you go to London, be sure to look for a vintage envelope going round and round the luggage carousel!<br />
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Happy Mother's Day everyone!</div>
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Hugs,</div>
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CZ</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Woman Baking Bread</i> by Jean Francois Millet </td></tr>
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<i>"Narcissism was unrelated to use of first-person singular pronouns...This consistent near-zero effect has important implications for making inferences about narcissism from pronoun use and prompts questions about why I-talk tends to be strongly perceived as an indicator of narcissism..." ~</i><a href="http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-p0000029.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">Narcissism and the Use of Personal Pronouns </span><span style="color: #e06666;">Revisited</span></a><br />
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Thank goodness new research debunks the idea that I-Talk is an effective way to spot narcissists. In my experience as a writer and a reader, integrating the whole of our lives is a collaborative work between <i>me, myself and I</i>.<br />
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<b>Writing-To-Heal</b><br />
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You know how it is when the baking powder wasn't integrated in the batter and the biscuits didn't rise because you neglected little clumps on the bottom of the bowl? That's how I feel about writing-to-heal. I had to scrape the bowl to integrate the whole, paying attention to bits-and-pieces that could, if ignored, prevent me from rising in the midlife oven. The joke in our family is that God opens ovens when we're in our fifties and what we see is what we get. Sunken biscuits anyone? Word to the wise: don't wait for retirement to work on yourself because you won't remember where you put the baking powder. I've seen enough flat biscuits to appreciate the importance of conscious and deliberate integration.<br />
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<b>Making Connections Through Writing</b><br />
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Writing connected me to people who didn't think me strange for admitting I had stared at the kitchen wall for two hours the day before. "Yea, that's what I did yesterday, too!" someone wrote back. "I stared at the yellow wallpaper 'til the kids came home." Writing rewarded my uneasy self-disclosure with other people's uneasy self-disclosure and as a result, <i>we </i>felt better together. Maybe staring at walls is normal behavior when the home we call <i>self </i>has fallen apart? Maybe I needed reassurance the walls were still there, thus the staring. I also needed to find people who were, like me, overwhelmed by irreparable losses. Feeling disconnected from my lovable self (what is wrong with me?) and disconnected from other people (what is wrong with <i>you</i>, CZ?) created a despair that's unfathomable to me now. My life is peaceful today, hopeful and loving. I don't stare at walls or feel powerless to manage my life. I resolve unanticipated problems of which there have been plenty since my divorce. But I am not overwhelmed by my problems, undone by my losses, or taxed beyond my ability to cope. I am strong enough, smart enough and <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2009/10/im-good-enough-im-smart-enoughand.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">gosh darn it people like me</span></a>. </div>
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Writing pulled me together and pulled people toward me. Writing became a powerful tool for making sense of confusing experiences stuffed like odd-and-ends in hidden closets because as most foolhardy adults believe: we were "over it." Remembering painful experiences exposes raw wounds and it's miserable, of that there is no doubt since plenty of people never open locked closets. But those same <i>revisited</i> experiences also reveal our strengths. Becoming aware of our strengths is part of a healing process. Reconnecting lost parts of ourselves will allow us to rise in the heat of personal crisis.<br />
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"The formation of a narrative is critical and is an indicator of good mental and physical health. Ongoing studies suggest that writing serves the function of organizing complex emotional experiences." (Pennebaker)</blockquote>
My cyber-journey began with my first written words on a NPD message board: <i>"I am not a replaceable object. I am a human being and </i><i>I am acutely perceptive!</i><i>" </i>That and less-than-one-hundred but more-than-ten <i>me, myself and I's</i>. If someone were counting my first person pronouns, they might assume me to be not-so-cutely narcissistic; and yes, that is how most of us view frequent self-referencing. Now that the narcissism pejorative has entered the general lexicon, people are counting "Me, Myself and I"s" as proof of a writer's narcissism.<br />
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When we don't want to hear someone's message, it's temptingly easy to stop listening and start counting "I's". So the idea that narcissistic women talk <i>too much</i> about themselves prompted me to write about my experience with the "I"; what I've witnessed when people began using "I" to understand themselves, to connect with others, to process the shame and blame of a narcissistic relationship. </div>
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<b>We de-spy-z Too Many I's </b></div>
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About a decade ago, <a href="http://mario.gsia.cmu.edu/micro_2009/chatterjee_hambrick_2007.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">one of many articles</span></a> suggested CEOs could be diagnosed by counting self-referential pronouns. (Chatterjee) An <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3404383"><span style="color: #e06666;">earlier article in 1988</span></a> suggested a similar thing (Raskin). People latched onto this supposedly clever idea as if it were foolproof and why not? It was easy. But ya gotta wonder about people counting "I's" in speeches which looks more like <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confirmation_bias"><span style="color: #e06666;">confirmation bias</span></a> to me, than a reliable diagnosis. In the spirit of democracy, anyone could do it and for the average citizen with little to no power or money in the bank, counting "I's" reinforced preferred beliefs. Ten "I's" and anything a CEO or politician said could be dismissed because you know. <i>Narcissist.</i><br />
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<b>And So: People Feared Writing "I"</b></div>
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I was heavily engaged in writing on NPD message boards, a form of anonymous journaling allowing writers to talk about things they probably shouldn't face-to-face. The empathic exchange between forum members was deeply healing for me and I could express my anger and fury without being shushed by gender police. It was obvious to me how uncomfortable women were when using lots of I's in their messages. For example, a personal friend posted this message in 2007:</div>
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<i>"Eventually I will need to move in order to care for myself, but I don't have to think about that today. Today I am thinking about starting up a sewing binge because that is what I do best. The floors will be filthy from threads and scraps and the newspapers won't be picked up or the dishes done. But I will accomplish something of value, and boy, will I be happy! I definitely feel I have been freed in order to do something that suits me better and benefits others in a real manner. </i></blockquote>
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<i>And please don't count the "I's" in this message, because I am only talking about myself, not others. There is nothing wrong with that when you are healing."</i> </blockquote>
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Notice her movement out of loss into creativity, self-care and hope. Connecting, in my view, her past self with her new self in the present. Her expression was one of healthy integration post-trauma and yet she feared being criticized by those who were more busy counting "I's" than recognizing her transition. I quickly responded:</div>
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<i>"People can be judgmental when a woman is talking about herself. But when her identity has been shattered, it is imperative for her to use the capital "I" as many times as necessary in order to know what SHE thinks, why she thinks it, who SHE is, and how her new Self connects to her former self. Think of the "I" as a bridge to an integrated self. T</i><i>en lashes with a wet noodle to any woman or man who worries s/he's a narcissist for having done so.</i> </blockquote>
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<i>It's very important in a process of self-reclamation, that we use the letter I unashamedly and without reservation. Self-disclosure is not a narcissistic act." </i></blockquote>
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As readers can surmise from our exchange, "I-talk" research had had a chilling effect. Calling people narcissists because of their "I-talk" may have been a backlash against breaking the <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2015/02/final-week-for-research-breaking-no.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">No Talk Rule</span></a>, and silencing their truth---a truth narcissistic families would rather not be told. Since it was extremely easy to spot narcissists by counting first person pronouns, non-narcissistic people constructed awkward sentences, more like bullet points than an embodied and honest narrative. Research validates what writers know: it's the emotional embodiment of a constructed narrative that heals the wounded heart.<br />
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Another cyberpeer was so obviously concerned people would think she was a narcissist, that she omitted first person references. "Went to the lawyer with my soon-to-be-ex" she wrote, "Hate this process." And I would think to myself, "Who? Who went to the lawyer and who hates this process? You?" An intentional omission of <i>me, myself and I</i> escalated in people's stories after cyberbullies collected pronouns to discredit someone they didn't like, and had perhaps been offended by.<br />
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My anxiety was elevated for sure because I was talking more about <i>me, myself and I</i> than had ever been socially appropriate. My stomach twisted in knots when <i>too many </i>"I's" leaped off the page like God's forsaken thunderbolts. I was breaking the <i>No Talk Rule</i>, particularly for a woman who was not supposed to talk <i>too much</i> about herself. Writing family anecdotes as if her life were important enough to share, <i>harrumph! </i>I think everyone's life is worth writing about, by the way. Some people are not inclined to write, identifying with writers whose life experiences reflect their own. We speak for ourselves by claiming "I" and our individual experiences tie us to others who read their story in our words.<br />
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In a dumbed-down "Spotting Narcissists" climate, self-disclosure became an intentional process, requiring nerves of steel to keep from deleting messages. I felt worse after clicking 'publish' because saying things we're not supposed to say invites high anxiety for a long visit. Relief came days later if I didn't take back my words. Keeping my words <i>as is</i>, also helped me learn to live with my regrets rather than stuff them in closets and lock the door.<br />
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<i>Narcissists are unlikely to self-disclose so counting pronouns is no way to spot a narcissist.</i> You must pay attention to content. </div>
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<b>Using "I" is Healing</b></div>
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I began focusing on my reactions after writing an emotional message in comparison to an informative message about a specific topic. Writing about theoretical concepts and statistical data facilitated learning but clicking "send" didn't threaten my certainty. If I wrote about my feelings, thoughts and actions, that was different and it increased my uncertainty. I'd sit and stew before publishing. I'd proof-read ten times, pondering whether or not I was self-critical enough for public consumption. You know how it is for women who talk <i>too much</i> about themselves.<br />
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I discovered overtime that using "I" was healing. Talking about <i>me, myself and I</i> was healing. Putting my experience into words using metaphors both mixed and dubious, was healing. (You never forget your first critic suggesting the metaphor police follow you around the Internet, ha! I have a couple of critics who oughta try using "I" rather than implementing so many "You's". So there).<br />
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Even with the occasional critic flaunting their literary proficiency, putting words to emotional trauma is healing. "I did this," and "I felt that"; "I think this and I believe that." At a certain point in this writing-to-heal process, I noticed my online friends, <i>the ones who were directly referring to themselves</i>, were healing, too. They were getting better with every message, reconnecting to the whole of their life and to me at the same time. We have remained steadfast friends for a decade and why not? I know who they are to the core of their being because they offered an invitation for intimacy that was heartily accepted and reciprocated.<br />
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I began to understand that the self-disclosing "I" contained the power to heal.<br />
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Ask <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_W._Pennebaker"><span style="color: #e06666;">James Pennebaker</span></a>: "Who Uses I?"<br />
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According to Dr. Pennebaker's research, most of us believe self-centered, self-important and power hungry people refer to themselves with first-person pronouns. If you think that too, you'd be wrong. High status people use "I" words the least. People of lower status use "I" words more frequently. People in pain, depressed people, people who are paying close attention to themselves use "I". Women use "I" more frequently than men because we are relationship-oriented, not because we're narcissistic! Think about why so many of us are writing about narcissism---we are disconnected, suffering extreme losses, very often depressed and in desperate need of understanding. We are acutely attuned to ourselves as human beings when we are suffering.<br />
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Pennebaker also says that people using "I" <i>are more honest</i> than people who don't use "I". Liars and manipulators distance themselves from the "I". It's the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mistakes_were_made"><span style="color: #e06666;">Mistakes were Made</span></a> phenomenon utilized by shifty people evading responsibility. An honest person will sorrowfully admit, "I made a mistake." These are the people we can trust. Don't expect "I made a mistake" to be part of a narcissist's story. They tend to deflect personal responsibility by blaming others. And let's be serious---manipulative people know it isn't cool to create suspicion by using too many "I's".<br />
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Why the "I"?</div>
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In my writing-to-heal experience, "I" invites relationship, hoping for reciprocal sharing. <i>People of good will</i> listen for self-disclosure as an invitation to an intimate connection. It's been my experience also that writers using "I" <i>are better listeners</i> because they are curious about other people and they care enough to share their lives with others, too. That's the opposite of what many of us believe about "I-talk", isn't it?</div>
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If you are obsessed with spotting narcissism through first person pronouns, look for an omission of "I's" in someone's writing. (It's not a sure sign of narcissism, however). Notice whether or not your "I's" are being reciprocated by their "I's". And if you aren't interested in their story, perhaps you're overwhelmed. Pathological relationships tax our ability to cope and sometimes we can't absorb what people are sharing. Stay focused on yourself and keep using first person pronouns. Remember to have self-compassion during this preliminary phase of self-preoccupation. That Too Shall Pass---even faster if you have a few "I-talking" friends.<br />
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Before diagnosing anyone (including yourself) as a narcissist, ask yourself: "Is that person using "I" to share their life with others? Are they using "I" to understand themselves better, to take responsibility for their behavior, to forge relationship through the discovery of common bonds?"<br />
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P.S.: Sometimes a person is too broken to risk criticism and that is something to remember when writing-to-heal on anonymous websites. Not everyone values I-filled narratives. Any website encouraging people to write about their personal lives, <i>Must Have a Moderator</i> protecting the sanctity of the healing work being done. If you are not inclined to journal on message boards and blogs, keep a private journal. <i>I-writing</i> has the power to transform our lives.<br />
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<b>Resources</b><br />
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American Psychological Association. <a href="http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2015/04/narcissism.aspx"><span style="color: #e06666;">Research Debunks Commonly Held Belief About Narcissism</span></a><br />
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Carey, Angela L. et al. 2015. <a href="http://www.apa.org/pubs/journals/releases/psp-p0000029.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">Narcissism and the Use of Personal Pronouns Revisited</span></a><span style="color: #e06666;"> </span><br />
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Chatterjee, Arijit and Donald C. Hambrick. 2007. <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://mario.gsia.cmu.edu/micro_2009/chatterjee_hambrick_2007.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">It’s All about Me: Narcissistic Chief Executive Officers and Their Effects on Company Strategy and Performance</span></a> </span><br />
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Ferenstein, Gregory. 2015 <a href="http://www.psmag.com/politics-and-law/hillary-clinton-the-narcissist"><span style="color: #e06666;">Hillary Clinton Talks About Herself a Lot</span></a></div>
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Gregoire, Carolyn. 2015. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/07/narcissism_n_7010206.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Talking About Yourself a Lot, Doesn't Make You a Narcissist, Apparently.</span></a> Huffington Post.<br />
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Kluger, Jeffrey. 2015. <a href="http://time.com/3773017/narcissism-pronoun-i/"><span style="color: #e06666;">One Sign of Narcissism Turns Out to Be All Wrong.</span></a> Time.com</div>
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Pennebaker, James W. and Janel D. Seagal. 1999 <a href="http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/faculty/pennebaker/reprints/Seagal1999.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">Forming a story: the Health Benefits of Writing a Narrative</span></a> "These findings suggest that the formation of a narrative is critical and is an indicator of good mental and physical health. Ongoing studies suggest that writing serves the function of organizing complex emotional experiences."<br />
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Pennebaker at the Austin Forum on YouTube: <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gD5rG8fnocY"><span style="color: #e06666;">Part one</span></a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxeuCAnLo-0"><span style="color: #e06666;">Part two</span></a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-8YeT2KDIM"><span style="color: #e06666;">Part three</span></a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hasARCtvjns"><span style="color: #e06666;">Part four</span></a></span><br />
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Raskin R. & Shaw. 1988. <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/3404383"><span style="color: #e06666;">Narcissism and the Use of Personal Pronouns.</span></a> (abstract)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Norman Rockwell</td></tr>
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Prior posts referring to this study:<br />
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<b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2015/01/acons-parental-communication-research.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">ACoNs: Research Study Needs Your Help!</span></a></b><br />
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<b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2015/02/final-week-for-research-breaking-no.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Final Week for Research: Breaking the "NO Talk Rule"</span></a></b></div>
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Valerie Berinice Coles contacted me yesterday about the ACoN research study. She said (with double exclamation points) that <i>"people helped out from 32 different countries!!"</i> There were 978 respondents which surpassed their greatest expectations and mine, too! Thank you for being willing to participate in this research. Maybe we can find new ways to stop the transgenerational transmission of narcissistic traits and behaviors ("fleas") <i>and trauma</i>. </div>
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Untreated, un-countered narcissism reduces the quality of everyone's lives; especially children born into an upside-down and backwards reality where Mom and Dad demand care-taking, not the reverse. A family where self-reliance is idealized and interdependence belittled. It may take decades, or even the rest of a child's life, to claim their full authenticity as a worthy and lovable human being. The narcissistic dysfunction marches through families from one generation to the next, through learned behaviors and/or psychological and physical traumas. </div>
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While prior generations frowned on egocentricity and self-promotion, today's culture reinforces narcissism as a normal and even positive behavior. This makes it even more imperative for people like ourselves to recognize pathological relationships, especially our lineage on a crooked family tree. If Lizzie Borden is our grandma and Captain Hook an uncle, all the more important to understand how we might be affected, what we <i>can and cannot do</i> to heal the family tree. </div>
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Families. Aren't they fascinating? Check out your genealogy and see who your ancestors were! My recovery work goes all the way back to my great-grandmother who I hope, at this very moment, is smiling down on me. </div>
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As soon as the final results of the study are available, I'll post them on this blog. The following is a copy of the email sent to me by Valerie Bernice Coles (one of the researchers in this study). She wrote: </div>
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<i>"We have received a number of emails from individuals who missed the survey the first time around. We did close data collection on February 27th. However, we will have a smaller study soon available to those who did not participate the first time. Anyone interested may email me at <a href="mailto:vcoles@uga.edu"><span style="color: #e06666;">vcoles@uga.edu</span></a>. The link for the large study that you helped us with has been discontinued. </i><i>THANK YOU AGAIN FOR ALL OF YOUR AID! </i></div>
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<i>"...We are truly amazed and humbled at how many ACONs took our survey. We had 978 respondents from at least 32 countries, 16 websites that we personally contacted to participate, and then many more websites that you and your readers, our respondents, forwarded the survey to. Never in our wildest imagination did we think that so many ACONs would step up and help us out. We are examining our findings over the next six weeks and when we have a summary of the results then. As I mentioned in previous emails, I will be sending this summary out to all the known websites that participated as well as to any individuals who requested a summary.</i></div>
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<i>Meanwhile, we did the drawing today for the ten $100 gift cards. Anyone who entered their email address at the end of the survey was eligible for the drawing. There were 711 emails in the drawing! The ten winners were contacted today via email to get their full name/address so we can mail the gift cards to them. At the start of the study we had agreed not to publicize their names (as ACONs may not want narcissistic family members to know that they are part of an ACON site) but, of course, if one of the winners is part of your site, we hope that person will let the rest of the group know s/he was a recipient.</i></div>
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<i>Again, we truly appreciate your help and we hope through this study that we can create a short useful questionnaire for people to use to help identify narcissistic parents. The success of this study would not have been possible without you."</i></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Norman Rockwell</td></tr>
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Considering my therapy-positive attitude, you might think someone hacked into my website and posted a hate blog about psychologists. No, it's me. With a family story. And despite the outcome, I'm therapy-positive.<br />
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At the time this story took place, I didn't know anything about narcissism and even though I'd gone to therapy myself, no counselor ever questioned the state of my marriage (which I thought was <i>special</i>); or questioned my Holy Optimism (which I thought was <i>healthy</i>); or my belief in eternal marriage (which I thought was a <i>joint commitment</i>).<br />
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So even at the risk of sounding hypocritical, it feels important to write about an experience narcissistic families may have experienced, too. Like recognizing your daughter is in trouble and talking it over with your spouse, twisting his arm until he agrees to let you call a therapist and then being told <i>by the therapist</i> that your husband was simply AMAZING. The most amazing specimen of manhood a family could ever wish for and if anyone was having problems with Captain America, they must have a chemical imbalance in their brain.<br />
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After the psychologist's failure to accurately diagnose the pathology afoot in our family, my daughter gave up on therapy and her family, too. She left high school and moved out at seventeen. She lives with me now and we have, post-divorce, become a force, to contend with. Life is good. Life is rich with blessings. <i>Everything unfolds exactly as it should</i>.<br />
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Before explaining how psychologists failed our family, you must know it's also true that good therapy made our lives better. Good therapy was and continues to be invaluable. Bad therapy deteriorated family relationships. Bad therapy is worse than none at all. My prior positive experience with therapy is what prompted me to hand over my daughter without questioning the therapist's qualifications, which I wouldn't have known how to do much less felt qualified to demand. This was the state of my thinking <i>back then,</i> which is probably reflective of most parents who trust professionals to help their children, to help their family, to know things they're supposed to know because we don't.<br />
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<b>Educating Therapists about Pathology</b><br />
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I've been listening to <a href="http://www.drcachildress.org/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Dr. Craig Childress</span></a> explain <i>attachment-based "parental alienation"</i>.<i> </i>Even if my family wasn't dealing with parental alienation <i>per se</i>, his descriptions of the narcissist/borderline pathology have been illuminating---as in blinding flashes of "duh". It's pretty clear that my effectiveness as a mother was being undermined throughout our marriage, despite Captain America punishing our kids for disrespecting me, a narcissistic <i>projection</i>. He disrespected me and punished our kids for his "sins". It was confusing to watch a man who mocked my mothering, spank his kids for having mirror neurons.<br />
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Other haunting situations have been clarified (haunting being a euphemism for self-blame). One of those situations was failing to get proper help for a troubled daughter. In the article below, Dr. Childress chastises the psychological community for not recognizing the narcissist/borderline personality driving the family system. Considering the trust parents invest in psychologists, his criticisms need be taken to heart.<br />
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"The first step to securing mental health as an ally is to clear the field of professional incompetence, so that ONLY professionally knowledgeable and competent mental health professionals treat this “special population” of children and families." ~<a href="http://drcraigchildressblog.com/2014/07/29/stark-reality/"><span style="color: #e06666;"><i>Stark Reality</i></span></a> by Dr. Craig Childress</blockquote>
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The "special population" he is referring to are <i>children with clinical signs of attachment-based parental alienation</i>. Expanding from his statement, I think any family with a narcissist/borderline personality parent is a "special population" that should be diagnosed and treated. That means psychologists must be up to date with current literature on narcissist/borderline personalities. You can't diagnose it if you can't see it.<br />
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<i>To reiterate,</i> I'm applying <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://drcraigchildressblog.com/2014/09/11/diagnostic-checklist-for-pathogenic-parenting/"><span style="color: #e06666;">pathogenic parenting</span></a> </span>descriptions to my family even though our adult children were not diagnosed with clinical symptoms of parental alienation. They were adults when we divorced, capable of disagreeing with their father's behavior and distancing themselves while adjusting to an unforeseen reality. If my children were alienated in any way, <i>it was not my doing</i>---not during the divorce and certainly not while we were married! The narcissist/borderline parent <i>may believe</i> they're being alienated by a malicious ex, and they might convince people they're being bad-mouthed to the kids, but that's a paranoid perception. There are <i>justifiable reasons</i> why a child might distance themselves. A child's rejection of a parent is only <i>attachment-based parental alienation </i>when:<br />
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"A clinical assessment of the parenting behavior of the rejected parent provides no evidence for severely dysfunctional parenting (such as chronic parental substance abuse, parental violence, or parental sexual abuse of the child) that would account for the child’s complete rejection of the parent." ~Dr. Craig Childress</blockquote>
I was inspired to write out this story when Dr. Childress suggested narcissist/borderline parents had been<i> </i><span style="text-align: start;">alienating their children before the divorce. Now why alienation-throughout-the-marriage came as a shock to me is another world wonder. I've been studying NPD for ten years. It only makes sense that a narcissistic parent would interfere with normal bonding, would affect the way children felt about themselves and how they perceived the other parent. Those looks of <i>contempt </i>on the narcissist's face? Kids see them, too. Those <i>insults </i>thrown at the other parent? Kids hear them, too. </span>Narcissistic/borderline parents influence children to see the other parent as inferior, incompetent, or even irrelevant. I think that's fair to say. That triangulation occurs in the family is no surprise. That the narcissistic/borderline parent devalues the other parent is no surprise. That the narcissist/borderline parent convinces his/her children that their mother/father deserved to be punished, ought be no surprise, either. This explains a lot about our family dynamics even though our children did not meet the requirements for attachment-based parental alienation. Now my nephew who moved in with me when he was five? That's another story worth writing about! Thank you God bless you Dr. Childress.<br />
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Idealization<br />
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My daughter adored her father. She wanted to be like her father. He was her great protector. She idealized him in such an over-the-top way that her friends confronted her. They knew she couldn't talk to him without bursting into tears. "You adore your father who makes you cry whenever you talk to him?" they'd ask. And she'd say, "Fuck you."<br />
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I was aware our family had problems long before the divorce. Yes, it's ridiculous I didn't grasp the severity of those problems, but I was a stay-at-home-mom, not a psychologist. It wasn't my job to spot pathology. My job was noticing my children were struggling and finding appropriate treatment for them. The therapist's job was understanding family systems, child development, and pathology. It wasn't my job to discern between dysfunctional families (which I thought we were) and pathological families. <i>Dysfunctional meaning:</i> treatable, curable, a little John Bradshaw and merry Christmases forever. <i>Pathological meaning: </i>all hell breaks loose; trauma is inevitable; harm is inevitable.<br />
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Had I known there were even a remote chance my husband had a narcissistic personality, I'd have reserved a lifeboat <i>just in case</i> with three woolen jackets, extra cash, and donuts <i>just in case. </i>And binoculars. Then the kids and I could gaze at the stars while drifting safely to shore. Instead, we almost went down with the ship while Captain America rowed away in his<i> </i>lifeboat built for two.<br />
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<span style="text-align: start;"><b>The Dreadful Day our Family Went to Therapy </b></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px; text-align: center;">"Ahhhh...what a nice Daddy!"</td></tr>
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Cognitive dissonance is sitting in therapy and watching your husband profess his love for a daughter who cries every time he talks to her. And his wife? Oh yes, he loved his wife-she-was-a-peach even if she saw problems where there weren't any. He was committed to his family and wanted nothing but the best for everyone, he said. His role demanded huge sacrifices but he harbored no resentments, he said. He said he would prioritize extra time for his daughter since she didn't recognize her inner worth and beauty the way he did. By the time his audition was over, there wasn't a dry eye in the room and that, my friends, includes the therapist.<br />
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I guess I'm a little angry we missed a window-of-opportunity because it wasn't easy convincing my daughter a therapist could help. And it sure-as-hell wasn't easy convincing my husband to attend a therapy session with his family. How that happened, go figure. It still shocks me. I suppose he was confident he could bamboozle the psychologist while discrediting me for suggesting our daughter was depressed. He, by comparison, wasn't judgmental like his overly protective wife. He, by comparison, saw authenticity and intelligence, not mental illness. He almost had me believing her behavior was nothing worse than a teenage rebellion and <i>right on cue, </i>I felt pangs of guilt for even thinking she had a problem. In my heart though, there was valid cause for concern and even if her problems were my fault, dear counselor, Please Help Her. That the Captain's daughter needed psychological treatment was of less concern to him than his image as a father. That's a mean judgment on my part, but hey---I'm not above making judgments today, or being mean.<br />
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<span style="text-align: start;">"A narcissistic injury to the parent may result from the realization that his/her child has the profile of behavioral disturbances...Clinicians find that a narcissistic parent often tends to report less problems with their child in order to minimize their own narcissistic injury." ~</span><span style="color: #e06666; text-align: start;"><a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2538738/pdf/0130074.pdf" style="text-align: start;"><span style="color: #e06666;">article link</span></a></span></blockquote>
To reiterate: <span style="text-align: start;">Narcissistic parents report fewer problems in their children.<i> </i>There are many reasons for that, one of them being <i>they aren't even aware</i> <i>of a child's behavioral changes. </i>Plus, there's that pesky image thing again. </span>Narcissistic parents fear children's problems reflect poorly on them.<br />
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A story about a narcissistic mother was told to me by a dear friend who had hurt herself as a young girl after jumping off a roof and breaking both her feet. She crawled an entire summer before standing upright again. What did her mother do? She punished my friend for wailing. She refused to take her to a hospital because doctors would say she was a bad mother for not protecting her daughter. I know. Boggles the mind, doesn't it? P.S. Surgery corrected the broken bones in my friend's feet once she had medical coverage through her marriage. <i>Fifteen years later</i>.<br />
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<b>We Want to Believe Their Shtick</b><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px; text-align: center;">Norman Rockwell</td></tr>
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When my husband was painting his Rockwellian portrait in the therapy session, I wanted to believe him. You know how it is. We want to believe that what they say is what they'll do. That the benevolent father isn't just a Bible story, he's a man. He's in your bed. He's seated at the head of the table. He's working hard because he loves his family. Not until a crisis are we able to accept cumulative evidence proving they won't, or can't, embody the person they claim to be.<br />
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It's not easy letting a narcissistic partner be just as awful as they really are.<br />
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The treating child psychologist not only missed the Cluster B presentation sitting in in her office, she also seemed to miss <i>devaluation </i>of the mother and unhealthy <i>idealization</i> of the father. She missed the cognitive dissonance when my daughter said, "My Dad is the most amazing man in the world. I can't talk to him without crying." That alone should have led to deeper inquiry. I think a therapist trained in recognizing narcissist/borderline personalities would have intervened rather than insisting family dynamics had nothing to do with my daughter's distress. (!) She suggested putting my daughter on medication and added, "Wouldn't every girl dream of having a father like that!"<br />
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I was proud he was my husband. Then not understanding why, cried all the way home. Partners of narcissists do a lot of crying without understanding why.<br />
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<i>A brief pause in this story to tap my forehead and repeat: "I unconditionally love myself for being naive; and unconditionally forgive myself for failing to get the help our family needed."</i><br />
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Epilogue</div>
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In retrospect, I wasn't very articulate or knowledgeable about psychology. I couldn't explain my feelings and would <i>never </i>have described my partner as abusive! I was overwhelmed with concern for our children who were my responsibility in a traditionally constructed marriage. I was deferential to my spouse which was part of the problem too, reinforcing the lofty things he said without confronting his fabrications. The narcissistic family's dilemma is that confrontation leads to argumentation; we back away, too tired to tangle, preserving energy for bigger battles. Unfortunately, when narcissism is rewarded, <i>it's reinforced</i>. When no one confronted his performance in the therapy session and the therapist applauded his amazing fathering, his narcissism was rewarded. The rest of his family was pushed deeper into self-doubt and denial.<br />
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I wanted to believe my husband and the kids wanted to believe him but nobody wanted to believe him as much as himself. Eventually, the family man shtick was too hard to maintain. It isn't easy being a family man if you can't put other people's welfare ahead of your own, if you can't see your wife as your equal, if you can't embrace all those <i>soft values</i> connecting human beings to one another.<br />
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And what did my daughter tell the therapist about me, you might ask? She said I was nurturing, funny, selfless, she kinda loved me like a pet. I'm exaggerating yea, but the years since my divorce have allowed us to get to know one another in ways that wouldn't have been possible in our narcissistic family. My time and attention was always divided between the Captain and his <s>competition</s> children.<br />
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P.S. I have taken therapists' advice to heart--even when it made me uncomfortable. Sometimes it felt like they were repeating stereotypical responses based on my role as a stay-at-home-mother but even then, no suggestion was ignored. I've also spent a lot of time in Alanon-for-parents learning how to stay connected to my children while respecting their autonomy. Were you wondering if Captain America went to parenting classes with me? Nah, of course not. He didn't need 'em. Wouldn't every child dream of having a father like that?<br />
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Hugs,<br />
CZ<br />
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<b>Resources</b><br />
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<b><a href="http://drcraigchildressblog.com/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Dr. Childress's blog</span></a></b><br />
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<b><a href="http://www.drcachildress.org/asp/Site/ParentalAlienation/index.asp"><span style="color: #e06666;">A List of Articles</span></a></b> by Dr. Craig Childress<br />
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Childress.<b> <a href="http://drcraigchildressblog.com/2014/09/11/diagnostic-checklist-for-pathogenic-parenting/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Diagnostic Checklist for Pathogenic Parenting</span></a></b><br />
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Childress. Video lecture: <b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezBJ3954mKw"><span style="color: #e06666;">Treatment of Attachment-based "parental alienation"</span></a></b> (1:47:08)<br />
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Childress. Video lecture: <span style="color: #e06666;"><b><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNuwQNN3q4"><span style="color: #e06666;">Parental alienation: an attachment-based model</span></a></b> </span>(1:46:03)<br />
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<br />CZBZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-41139214978262668712015-02-22T17:41:00.004-08:002015-02-25T13:55:06.617-08:00Final Week for Research: Breaking the No Talk Rule<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/1256308858777_Botero_Circus_People__2008_olio_su_tela__cm_180x148___zpsc1b9f516.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/1256308858777_Botero_Circus_People__2008_olio_su_tela__cm_180x148___zpsc1b9f516.jpg" height="400" width="330" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Circus Act</i> by Fernando Botero </td></tr>
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<b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2015/01/acons-parental-communication-research.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">This is a link</span></a></b> to my prior article explaining this research project. Researchers will collect data until:</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Saturday, February 28th </span></div>
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You can use this link to access the test:</div>
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<b><a href="https://ugeorgia.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_bpUcPJ3CkaLjOPb"><span style="color: #e06666;">Parental Communication Research Study</span></a></b></div>
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If you haven't participated already, I'd encourage you to take a few minutes and do so. Maybe our responses will inspire new research into the long-term effect of narcissistic parenting. Let's hope so!</div>
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As people in "adult-child recovery" know, it can take the rest of our lives undoing the damage done in childhood. Not to make my readers depressed or anything ('<i>cuz I know you already are),</i> but nobody gets out of the narcissistic family circus without a few fleas to contend with. One of those fleas is our DENIAL. The way out of denial is to face our fear, embrace uncertainty and break the family's <i>No Talk Rule </i>because let's face it: Narcissistic families are NOT NICE.</div>
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Don't talk about your mother!<br />
Don't talk about your father!!<br />
Don't talk about your siblings!!!<br />
Don't talk about your family if you can't say something nice!!!!</blockquote>
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We don't learn the No Talk Rule by reading a handbook. It's not written on an embellished list of family values. We learn the No Talk Rule <i>one bad experience at a time</i>, perpetually reinforced by family members proving their loyalty (and thus, your betrayal) by maintaining the "dysfunctional quo". People learn to keep their mouths shut and suffer in silence rather than risk being rejected. Even years into recovery, there's a niggling place in the back of our minds and the center of our guilty hearts that admonishes, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."<br />
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And so you sit there with clenched teeth because you know whatever you say, EVEN IF <i>YOU </i>THINK IT'S NICE, will be twisted into something nasty, whispered to family members behind your back. You can't even predict the many ways "Your hair looks great!" will be twisted into insults proving you think you're prettier than the rest of your siblings. How dare you compliment your sister's hair! At the next family reunion, you'll be seated alone, next to a drafty doorway and all because of the "tone" of your voice when mentioning your sister's hair. Imagine what would happen if you said your parents were narcissists! </div>
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Talking about our narcissistic parents elevates irrational fears of DISHONORING them, being caught-in-the-act and subjected to whatever the family's favorite torture methods might be. And so we keep our fears at bay by saying nothing. I know from others who've gone through a similar healing process as mine, that <i>Talking Heals. </i>Talking, scary as it might be in the beginning, is a step towards peace-and-sanity. It's baby steps from there on out, all the way to JOY. Let the chips fall as they must. You are worth whatever it takes to get healthy. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/BOTE_ABCT_093_ANIM_PEAR_Circus-Elephant_zps9014e19d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/BOTE_ABCT_093_ANIM_PEAR_Circus-Elephant_zps9014e19d.jpg" height="320" width="235" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Circus Elephant</i> by Fernando Botero</td></tr>
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I felt guilty saying my family was dysfunctional. That I was feeling crazy because of my upbringing. That John Bradshaw must have been writing about my family in his book about Toxic Shame. Since breaking the family taboo about Not Saying Nice Things, I've become a better mother, a better sister, a better wife (not that it changed a damn thing 'cuz you're never good enough for a narcissistic husbaNd), because I was willing to break the No Talk Rule. </div>
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Oh, I get my cyclical complaints and consequential punishment for writing about our family dynamics, but so far, nobody's burned me at the stake or banned me from the family circus. And I'm not done with my family yet, nor myself. If there's <i>an elephant in the living room,</i> I won't pretend it's not there. I'm climbing that beast and going for a ride. </div>
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I won't lie though, it's been scary. I felt guilty talking about my parents, even with a therapist. I felt guilty talking about my ex-husband. And I still feel guilty from time-to-time. The instinct to be loyal, <i>even to our own personal detriment, </i>is typical of ACoNs. We need to break that pattern for our own sake. Remember this: saying something nice that isn't true will make you sick; saying something true that isn't nice will make you well. So speak up. Break the No Talk Rule and Support your local research project. ha! </div>
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Hugs,</div>
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CZ</div>
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<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elephant_in_the_room"><span style="color: #e06666;">Wikipedia:</span></a> "Elephant in the room" or "Elephant in the living room" is an English metaphorical idiom for an obvious truth that is either being ignored or going unaddressed. The idiomatic expression also applies to an obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss. It is based on the idea that an elephant in a room would be impossible to overlook."</div>
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CZBZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-64619824231900003822015-01-27T12:38:00.001-08:002015-03-13T14:41:12.911-07:00ACoNS: "Parental Communication Research Study" needs your help!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>New Roads </i>by Grant Wood</td></tr>
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<b>If those of you with ACoN blogs and groups would like to repost this article, thank you. If you would rather post a link to the Research Study or forward it to other ACons, thank you! I would love to see a huge response from the ACoN community, hopefully inspiring future studies about the impact of narcissistic parenting.</b><br />
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Dr. Jennifer Monahan and Valerie Coles kindly contacted me concerning new research that I think will be of great interest to ACoNs. Their study focuses on the impact of parental communication <i>once children of narcissists become adults</i>. This research study has been <span style="text-align: center;">approved by t</span><span style="text-align: center;">he University of Georgia’s Institutional Review Board, </span>conducted by the <span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://comm.uga.edu/page/about-department"><span style="color: #e06666;">Department of Communication</span></a>.</span> </span></span></div>
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As Valerie Cole explained: </div>
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<i>"This study is an assessment of a measure of parental narcissism. There is presently no published scale that measures parental narcissism behaviors from the perspective of the adult child. This study aims to further refine a measure of parental narcissism by targeting self-identified</i> <i>Adult Children of Narcissists</i>." </div>
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If you choose to participate in their research study, you will be asked to: </div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><b>*</b></span>answer questions about your family member’s communication style<br />
<span style="color: #e06666;"><b>*</b></span>answer questions about parent/guardian's personality characteristics<br />
<b><span style="color: #e06666;">*</span></b>answer a few questions about your personality<br />
<b><span style="color: #e06666;">*</span></b>complete the questionnaire in a single session taking about 30 minutes </blockquote>
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Who can participate? </div>
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<b><span style="color: #e06666;">*</span></b>you must be over the age of 18<br />
<b><span style="color: #e06666;">*</span></b>any gender, any location; English does not have to be your first language<br />
<b><span style="color: #e06666;">*</span></b>you consider yourself to be an ACoN (Partners of narcissists are excluded unless <i>your </i>parent/guardian was a narcissist)<br />
<b><span style="color: #e06666;">*</span></b>You must have identified your parents/guardians as narcissists. This questionnaire is not NPD-specific. You are qualified to participate if YOU have identified your parent/guardian as a narcissist. </blockquote>
Privacy:</div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><b>*</b></span>all information is confidential. Names and other identifying markers (e.g., IP addresses) will not be linked to the questionnaire. Participants who are interested can enter an email address into the drawing for one of ten $100 gift cards. Email addresses <i>will not</i> be linked back to the questionnaire.</blockquote>
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On the link below, you can read more about your privacy rights before agreeing to participate. This link also includes contact information if you have further questions about their research. <span style="text-align: center;">Clicking the link below will open a consent form after which you can complete the questionnaire:</span></div>
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<b><a href="https://ugeorgia.qualtrics.com/SE/?SID=SV_bpUcPJ3CkaLjOPb"><span style="color: #e06666; font-size: large;">Parental Communication Measurement Study</span></a></b></div>
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<i>Research protocol approved by </i><i>The University of Georgia’s Institutional Review Board</i></div>
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Questions about narcissistic parents can trigger painful memories and feelings, especially if you trying very hard to answer questions as honestly as you can. If you are feeling upset after reflecting on the questions, you are welcome to leave a comment. I did not find the questionnaire to be "triggering" but I (and presumably my readers too) have been working a healing program for many years. </div>
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I took the test this morning and only needed fifteen minutes to answer every question. If you haven't been involved in the ACoN community, you may need a little more time to reflect on your answers. The important thing is that no matter how much time it takes, we try to help researchers understand the long-term impact of growing up with narcissistic parents. </div>
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Hugs all,</div>
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CZ </div>
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<b>Part Two:</b> <b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2015/02/final-week-for-research-breaking-no.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Final Week for Research: Breaking the No Contact Rule</span></a></b><br />
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<b>Part Three:</b> <b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2015/03/parental-communication-study-thanks.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Parental Communication Study Thanks ACoNs</span></a></b><br />
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CZBZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-53509701810197992672015-01-24T16:14:00.001-08:002015-01-24T20:57:17.367-08:00"NPD Basics" by Dr. Elsa Ronningstam<div style="text-align: justify;">
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I've been cleaning up my desktop and came across an informative article by Dr. Elsa Ronningstam: <br />
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<b><a href="http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/NPD_Basics_October-2013-.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">NPD Basics</span></a></b><br />
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NPD Basics is a 14-page document, very accessible to the lay person learning about narcissism.<br />
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Dr. Ronningstam increases our understanding of people with narcissistic personalities. She corrects erroneous beliefs about narcissism. Such as:<br />
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<b>Narcissism isn't "normal"</b><br />
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"Narcissism refers to feelings and attitudes towards one’s own self -- the core of normal healthy self-esteem, affects, and relationships. Normal narcissism relates to positive self-esteem and self-regard, to a sense of agency, mastery, inner autonomy, and control of thoughts, feelings, actions, and impulses. In addition, self-preservation and normal entitlement including survival and protection of one’s own self and territory are also expressions of normal narcissism."</blockquote>
<b>Narcissists are grandiose---all the way to the core</b><br />
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"The common and underlying indications of narcissistic personality functioning include self-enhancement and self-esteem fluctuations, vulnerability, inferiority and fear of failing, limitations in interpersonal relationships, compromised empathic functioning and emotion recognition, and <i>intense emotional reactions to threats to self-esteem, and sense of agency and control</i>." </blockquote>
<b>Narcissists love themselves too much to contemplate suicide</b><br />
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"People with narcissistic personalities <i>are particularly vulnerable to suicide</i>. Studies have suggested that challenges to self-esteem and to a sense of internal control are contributing factors. Grandiosity and vulnerability, fluctuating self-esteem, intense emotional reactions to threats to self-experience, and limitations in interpersonal relationships are other contributing personality traits."</blockquote>
<b>Narcissists are not able to empathize</b><br />
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"Studies have shown that people with NPD can notice and understand others’ internal states and feelings but may not be able to emotionally engage and respond to them. In other words, people with pathological narcissism or NPD have compromised and fluctuating empathy, <i>but they do not lack empathy</i>."</blockquote>
<b>Once a narcissist, always a narcissist </b><br />
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"Pathological narcissism and NPD are frequent among people in their late teens and early twenties, due to the specific developmental challenges in the transition from adolescence to adulthood. Such disturbances <i>are usually corrected through developmental life experiences and normally do not develop into adult NPD</i>. NPD does not necessarily remit with advanced age. Middle age is an especially critical period for the development or worsening of NPD, and narcissistic pathology and personality disorder have also been found in elderly people."</blockquote>
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Let me know what you think about Ronningstam's article and if you're interested in talking about any of her points, feel free to comment!<br />
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Hugs,<br />
CZ<br />
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Ronningstam, Elsa. 2005 <b><i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Identifying-Understanding-Narcissistic-Personality-Ronningstam/dp/0195148738/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422160432&sr=8-1&keywords=Understanding+and+Identifying+the+Narcissistic+Personality&pebp=1422160438928&peasin=195148738"><span style="color: #e06666;">Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality</span></a></i></b>. 2005 </div>
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Ronningstam, Elsa. 2000 <i><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Disorders-Narcissism-Diagnostic-Empirical-Implications/dp/0765702592/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1422160521&sr=8-1&keywords=elsa+ronningstam&pebp=1422160522113&peasin=765702592"><b><span style="color: #e06666;">Disorders of Narcissism: Diagnostic, Clinical, and Empirical Implications</span></b></a></i> </div>
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CZBZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-18356150556988259102014-12-30T15:33:00.001-08:002014-12-30T16:17:08.427-08:00Take the Test: Personality Traits of Women in Relationships with Cluster B/psychopathic Males <div style="text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Carl Larsson</span></td></tr>
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I remember several years ago when Sandra Brown was researching pathological relationships for her book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths-Relationships/dp/0984172807/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1419979193&sr=8-1&keywords=women+who+love+psychopaths"><span style="color: #e06666;">Women Who Love Psychopaths</span></a>. (Amazon link) You can also purchase her book on Sandra's site: <a href="http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/wp-content/Purchase.php"><span style="color: #e06666;">Safe Relationships Magazine</span></a>. Now she's announced a new research project exploring the traits of female partners. That's a Great idea. <i>If we don't know how we tick, we're tragically easy to pick. </i></div>
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Knowing we are more trusting than some and more agreeable than others, helps us understand ourselves. Then we can spot a manipulator taking advantage of our personality traits. Less accommodating people, those who might be more suspicious than ourselves, would never put up with narcissists' shenanigans. They'd be squinting their eyes at his excuses rather than crying tears over his widdle twubbles. </div>
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Yes, putting your pain secondary to someone else's pain might be a lovely pro-social trait <i>in a healthy relationship</i>; but it becomes sick-and-twisted when you're partnered with a Cluster B. Pretty soon, you won't even like yourself because everything you valued about yourself has been used against you. </div>
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Contented and optimistic? Meet Mr. Perpetual Misery</div>
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Open-minded and curious? Meet Mr. Pie-in-the-Sky</div>
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Serious and contemplative? Meet Mr. Spontaneous Combustion</div>
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I didn't like it much when someone said I was gullible, just waiting to be taken advantage of by a scalawag. As if my gullibility made opportunism okay. Harumph! I finally decided it was okay to be <i>somewhat </i>gullible as long as you didn't hook up with a scalawag. The trick was a finding a trustworthy partner rather than becoming someone we were never meant to be. We need trusting people in this world, we adore gullible friends who bring out the best in our protective natures. As long as these folks don't hitch their star to a black hole, they'll continue lighting our world and keeping the kindness turning. </div>
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One of the challenges about "recovery" is retaining our best traits and qualities rather than hating ourselves for being vulnerable to manipulation. The sin, I say, is not in the person with the tender heart. The sin is in the person who betrays their tender heart, ruining their sense of self and safety. If you are open-minded and compassionate, stay open-minded and compassionate. If you're sensitive and generous, stay sensitive and generous. Just get smarter about who benefits from the very best that makes you YOU. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Carl Larsson</span></td></tr>
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<span style="text-align: justify;">*If you are new to discussions about the narcissistic pathology, the Cluster B category of the DSM-IV is described as </span><i style="text-align: justify;">emotional, impulsive and dramatic </i><span style="text-align: justify;">behavior. This article explains how the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual was organized: </span><span style="color: #e06666; text-align: justify;"><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2008/09/diagnostic-statistical-manual-of-mental.html" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #e06666;">The DSM, Axis II and Cluster Bs</span>.</a></span><br />
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<b><a href="http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/research"><span style="color: #e06666;">Personality Traits of Women in Relationships with Cluster B/psychopathic Males</span></a> </b></div>
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"The purpose of the research is to use the Five Factor Model of personality theory to explore the traits of women whose partners have a Cluster B Disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Antisocial Personality Disorder) or Psychopathic Personality traits. By exploring the traits of female partners, we hope to further develop The Institutes Model of Care to assist in the recovery from these relationships of inevitable harm. Understanding the personality traits of women in these relationships can also assist women in understanding themselves to prevent moving forward in these relationships from the beginning.</div>
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Research participants must be female, between the ages of 18-70, were in a relationship with a male with Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder or Psychopathic Personality and be a citizen of the United States of America. If you meet this criteria you can participate by visiting the webpage listed below to begin the online survey.</div>
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The survey will take approximately 30 minutes to complete and must be completed at one time, so please have time set aside to finish the survey. There is no compensation offered for the completion of the survey. The survey does not require you to provide any identifying information therefore the results are completely anonymous.</div>
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Our hope is to begin to open the door to more research, with a broader range of survivors, to decrease the harm caused by those with cluster b/psychopathic disorders." ~The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction</div>
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Click Here: <b><span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/research"><span style="color: #e06666;">Questionnaire Start Page</span></a> </span></b></div>
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CZBZhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09575206236892096611noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6801485432556979796.post-60842851383972508442014-12-24T09:28:00.000-08:002014-12-24T09:28:10.933-08:00Holiday Anxiety: If you're anxious and you know it, clap your hands <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>The Farmhouse and Washhouse </i>by Carl Larsson</td></tr>
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Christmas is complicated. On one hand, my family is eager to leap into the fantasy, pocketbook-restraint-be-damned. On the other hand, there's apprehension in the air which can't be cured by an aerosol can of <i>Sugary Holiday Scents</i>. Or a fragrant electric plug-in setting houses on fire once-in-a-while but who can worry about that when your neighbor's house is lit up like an air traffic control tower for alien spaceship landings? That's not my only worry in this neighborhood. I worry about gigantic inflated snowmen bursting into glass-shattering bullets of frozen plastic since my bed sits under a window facing the snowman battalion. I won't even mention the pink Flamingos with garish wreaths on their necks and pray my neighbors never visit our local drugstore carrying a complete line of Styrofoam Christmas gnomes will Generation X's appreciation for bad taste never end? </div>
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If you're anxious and you know it, clap your hands </div>
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One sign of healing post traumatic anxiety is being aware of your feelings. A second sign of healing is being able to smack both hands together without scaring yourself. *clap* To preserve your relationships with family and neighbors, you need to know your patience will be short and your frustration will be long during the holidays because when you don't know you're anxiously walking on eggshells, you won't know you're the one leaving yolky messes on carpets. <i>Anxiety heightens irritability</i> and that's a holiday wisdom to remember when your Aspie nephew is repetitively tapping Jingle Bells on his chest and your sister needs six hours to find the perfect spot for a single<i> </i>tree ornament and your daughter is grieving her first holiday with multiple sclerosis and you are stressed to the max trying to remember where you put the Finnish Sour Cream Cake recipe because the family depends on pasties to keep people chewing a lot instead of talking too much. <br />
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*clap* </div>
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Did you know clapping hands at high-stress moments breaks through irrational fears of Alzheimer's and then you can remember where you put the recipe you weren't able to find when you were cursing? Clapping, <i>not cursing</i>, is my secret to remaining calm in frenzied chaos. (ha, <i>as if!!</i>) That and about six post-it notes on my forehead which I forget are there until seeing my reflection in a store window and realizing I look like a pinata. Which reminds me of a Costco incident a couple weeks ago when my daughter said in the book aisle, "Mom, did you know your shirt tags were showing?" I looked down at my front buttons and saw they were backwards<i> </i>(but thank god for small blessings because they were closed) and then realized my shirt was inside-out. *clap* So what if strangers behind me had been reading the fiber content and generous sizing of my shirt? So what if they wondered why a chubby lady was clapping vigorously in the book aisle? I had gifts to buy and a cake to make and why did that rat bazturd leave the family <i>on Christmas m-o-r-n-i-n-g?</i> Why did our <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/04/top-three-excuses-narcissistic-plumber.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">water pipe burst</span></a> on Christmas Eve last year and why for heaven's sakes, did my nephew choose the holiday season <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2008/12/what-glorious-holiday-season.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">to run away</span></a> when he was seventeen? And why, despite my efforts to forgive-and-forget, does my family-of-origin bicker and bite while professing sacred beliefs in "THE FAMILY"? There are many questions in life that have no answers and we can ruminate on the reasons why forever; or, we can face the past and accept what happened instead of trying to control or change it. We don't need to know why people do the terrible things they do. We just need to keep ourselves from following suit and <i>t-h-a-t, </i>my friends, is easier said than done.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Christmas</i> by Carl Larsson</td></tr>
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Ggggrrrrrrrracious and a bit Audacious<br />
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Unrecognized anxiety makes me irritable, that's a warning for me to check in with myself. To get real with myself. This means admitting malcontent <i>is my issue,</i> not someone else's. And it's okay to be more upset than usual considering the hideousness of our Christmases past. I'm more critical, more blaming, and all-around less easy going than usual and that is an evidence-based fact. Acknowledging the truth, as uncomfortable as it might be, prevents me from thoughtlessly acting on my anxiety. Like saying to my sister, "Here's an ornament for the tree. Think you can find <i>the perfect spot</i> to hang it by Christmas morning?"<br />
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I don't always recognize Holiday Anxiety soon enough, becoming persnickety with the people I love, frustrated with the people I like, and disgusted with those I don't. <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/11/egocentrism-or-narcissism-antagonism.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Like my last post </span></a>about being called a narcissist which wouldn't have upset me in June or July. By November, a "full of herself" Botero painting was the lead image on my complaint. Because most of the year, I'm not upset by trollish accusations, I didn't pause to reflect on my feelings in November. After due consideration, I think Botero's was a perfect painting. <i>Woman Reading</i> suggests shucking pretenses, allowing our buck-naked self to be seen by others <i>and </i>ourselves. (thanks to TR who encouraged me to reflect on my deeper feelings). Yes, I was more sensitive to criticism than usual.<br />
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And then, while forgiving myself for being anxious and undeniably irritable, I was taxiing my daughter downtown when a driver careened around me. I had been moving into the left lane when he bolted ahead of me, forcing me to swerve abruptly to avoid a collision. My first reaction wasn't clapping. It was cursing. And then, salvation! Another driver flipped him off and another driver honked her horn at him and then the best thing of all: the driver ahead of him slowed to a snail's pace, forcing Speed Demon to a mere creep while the rest of us sailed on by. Clapping ensued, but not for my anxiety. Oh, the pleasure of immediate justice! After witnessing his aggressive behavior I realized something. It made me admit that <i>left to my own devices</i>, I could easily be raging in a car, too. His extreme hostility was a moment of clarity and in no-time-at-all, a well-practiced and healthy pattern of <i>learned behavior</i> kicked in:<br />
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<span style="text-align: center;"><b>Gratitude-Graciousness-Giving</b></span><br />
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<i>Gratitude</i>: I am grateful we didn't have an accident.<br />
<i>Graciousness</i>: I didn't flip the driver off<br />
<i>Giving</i>: How's everyone in the car feeling? Are you okay?<br />
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This learned behavior happens so often it's scary. It's scary because it makes me realize how "programmable" we are, a realization that threatens our narcissism. We'd like to think we're <i>independent agents</i> unique to ourselves, thinking for ourselves, completely justified in reacting the way we do because hey, our <i>feelings are facts</i>. Our narcissism says hostility is justified, our anger is someone else's fault. If only they'd hang ornaments faster or stop with the thumping, we'd be charitable angels and then we could correct prior years of Christmases ruined.<br />
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<b style="text-align: center;">Gratitude and Graciousness</b><br />
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If you're feeling anxious, clap your hands and count your blessings. Gratitude mollifies the Inner Scrooge. Maybe a wise Sunday School teacher taught me to express gratitude when feeling sad, mad or bad. I must have learned this trick from a clay-footed angel at some point in my early life because "gratitude" has become an automatic practice countering feelings of loss and sadness. I don't even think anymore---it just happens, which is both comforting and distressing! <i>Comforting</i> because it means we can change automatic behaviors through persistent intentional practice; <i>distressing </i>because it means blame and hostility are learned, automatic reactions, too. So expect to be more anxious than usual, a state of being that can be diffused by a grateful heart and lifted by gracious behavior. That's how we change dysfunctional patterns---we stop repeating the hostility.<br />
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And remember, narcissistic families blow up when family members show up. If you know this in advance, you can adjust any notions of magical thinking <i>you</i> might have, allowing yourself to enjoy the moment. Narcissists are always disappointed <i>in the moment</i> since reality never measures up to the fantasy in their heads. When people don't measure up to the narcissist's impossible expectations, even the people who care most about the narcissist, they'll pay a price. You aren't being hyper-sensitive or paranoid when you have a history of dashed hopes and sorrowful memories after years of walking on eggshells. Nobody ruins Christmas like the perpetually disappointed narcissist who envies other people's happiness and acts on his/her feelings without conscious intervention. Think about that when insight allows you to see your less-than-stellar behavior because insight means you can take responsibility before you lash out in anger. If you don't catch it in time, you can apologize. </div>
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Was I really upset with a sixteen-year-old driver? Was I really upset with a blog critic? Heightened anxiety means almost anything can be a trigger for the unleashing of distressing feelings. Being anxious is a normal and expected state of being when holidays have been cyclically traumatic, as holidays generally are in narcissistic families. Expectations are high, tolerance-for-distress is low, and people expect the other shoe to drop which is far less painful than when it's been thrown at your head. <br />
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Clapping (metaphorically or literally) snaps us back to reality. <i>Gratitude </i>heals our losses and relieves our narcissism. <i>Graciousness </i>builds character, connecting us to our better nature and to other people. <i>Giving </i>creates meaningful relationships---an invitation to share our lives with another person and they with us.<br />
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<b>Giving</b><br />
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If I could bake a cake for each of you I would, because cake is incontestably the foundation to human civilization, not some mammoth-size chunk of meat roasted over a survival-of-the-fittest fire. So celebrating the holiday spirit from our <i>very civilized household</i> to yours, here's the recipe for my daughter's favorite Christmas Cake. It's easy and delicious and maybe you will think of us if you love this cake as much as we do.<br />
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<b>Finnish Sour Cream Cake</b></div>
2 eggs, beaten<br />
2 cups sour cream<br />
2 cups sugar<br />
2-3 drops almond extract<br />
3 cups flour<br />
1 tsp. soda<br />
1/2 tsp. salt<br />
1/2 tsp. cinnamon<br />
1/2 tsp. cardamon<br />
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Combine eggs, sour cream, sugar and almond extract and mix thoroughly. Sift dry ingredients together and gradually add to egg mixture. Beat until smooth and well-mixed but don't over-beat or your cake will rise too high in the center. Pour batter into a WELL-buttered bundt pan that has been generously dusted with granulated sugar. Bake one hour at 350 degrees. Cool 5-10 minutes before turning out of the pan. Let rest overnight before serving, allowing the spices to permeate the cake. So good, you don't even need icing. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/getting-ready-for-a-game-19011_zpsa861d7aa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/getting-ready-for-a-game-19011_zpsa861d7aa.jpg" height="286" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Getting Ready for a Game</i> by Carl Larsson</td></tr>
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Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to all,</div>
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CZ </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/BOTE_ABCT_181_NUDE_Woman-Reading-II_zps69e53140.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/BOTE_ABCT_181_NUDE_Woman-Reading-II_zps69e53140.jpg" height="273" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Woman Reading</i> by Fernando Botero</td></tr>
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<i>"You don’t have to be a narcissist to display some narcissistic qualities. After all, everyone’s the hero of their own story. However, the hallmark of empathy is understanding that and remembering it when you deal with people. If you can both recognize your own interests and acknowledge those of others, you’re in a good place. That said, a little narcissism is good for all of us." </i>~Alan Henry</div>
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<a href="http://www.lifehacker.com.au/2014/11/why-were-so-full-of-ourselves-in-defense-of-narcissistic-qualities/"><span style="color: #e06666;">This article on LifeHacker</span></a> might interest people who like reading and talking about narcissism. If you don't like talking about narcissism, you probably aren't reading my blog and you wouldn't understand my essays anyway. I'm gradually adjusting to being misinterpreted by people who've never stepped foot in a 12-step meeting or participated in family-of-origin recovery work, or even therapy for goshsakes how can you critique something you know nothing about? Readers need to have <i>some </i>context for my writing which builds on self-help principles, trusting readers to have a basic understanding of psychology and pathology. And "NO", Focusing on yourself does not mean ego-centrism is a good idea go for it and be an asshole 'cuz narcissism is the new measure of mental health.<br />
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Suggesting <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/10/a-poem-appreciation-for-my-readers.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Blogging Is Good For Your Narcissism</span></a> upset a reader who assumed it was justification for my narcissistic personality. That some readers have conflated pathological narcissism with healthy narcissism is no surprise because the topic is complex, requiring an education beyond five quotes on colored blocks. Maybe intentional ignorance is behind some of the insults because it allows people to use narcissism as a hip-sorta-slur, suggesting anyone writing about narcissism is one but they aren't. How edgy. Here's a distinction for my critics: <i>my narcissism may be annoying but it never causes ptsd</i>. That little gem of difference came to mind this morning.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8000001907349px; text-align: center;"><i>Archangel </i>by Fernando Botero</td></tr>
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The argument made against bloggers is that we're <i>full of ourselves</i> and we like to hear the sound of our own voice which okay yea, there's some truth in that. I didn't recognize my own voice until writing thirty essays at which point a picture of "me" came into focus and it wasn't always comfortable. We get to know ourselves by the essays we write; our self-esteem measured by the ones we don't delete. Bloggers grow, we change, we're imperfect, we risk expressing our thoughts and feelings which is a reliable sign we're not narcissists. Ask yourself, what do you really know about a suspected narcissist? How they feel, how they think, how they live their life? Ten bucks says you know very little about them, other than the image they convey. An image they need you to believe and mirror for them. An image evoking approval of the person they purport themselves to be. But beware: this image is fragile and subject to shattering when called into question because it is based on a lie. You won't get a reasoned essay from a narcissist if you challenge their authority, you can be certain of that. And remember this: the person you suspect is a narcissist probably isn't; the one you least suspect, probably is. Narcissists excel at image management, the rest of us pretty much suck.<br />
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I've written many times about narcissist's hostility and their desire for revenge which is what you get when you threaten their distorted views of reality. I don't think there is any way to warn people about the intensity of narcissist's retaliatory rage which is wholly different from over-reacting to criticism. I might feel bad or get mad but I won't step on your face and ruin your reputation. I won't give you ptsd.<br />
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Descriptions of narcissism vary in psychological literature, but the observations clinical psychologists zero in on is "relational difficulties" in addition to personality traits. I know, you know, we all know someone who's arrogant but arrogance is easy to see. Annoying is easy to feel. Someone's arrogance won't put us in a therapist's office questioning what the hell just happened to our lives. Grandiosity, lack of empathy, idealized love, we can all identify with these criteria. The universality of the criteria renders <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2008/09/diagnostic-statistical-manual-of-mental.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">DSM-IV</span></a> somewhat meaningless without explaining the hazards of a narcissistic personality for others (as my readers know) and for the narcissist him or herself (as readers might not know). Suicide is a concern for people with NPD. I excerpted the following three criteria from Henry's article and there's nothing surprising really, except for number three. Which I was glad to see emphasized:<br />
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1) [narcissists] define their identity based on others’ approval<br />
2) [narcissists] have a hard time empathizing or getting close to others<br />
3) [narcissists] antagonize others </blockquote>
I think the first two criteria are subject to interpretation and a bit wobbly in application. The third criteria, <i>antagonism</i>, that's the one that should force everyone's eyebrows to attention. I have described narcissists as hostile in prior articles including this one: <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/01/21-signs-of-online-destructive.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Online Narcissists</span></a>. </span>But antagonism is great way to describe narcissist's "ill will" towards people who've criticized them, who aren't living up to the narcissist's standards, who differ from them and/or threaten their confabulated reality. (channeling a little Sam Vaknin with that last bit...) I'll expound a little on those three criteria:</div>
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1) Needing approval and recognition is something we can all lay claim to. We're social creatures, hard-wired for relationship. We need to feel appreciated and accepted by our peers. <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/10/a-poem-appreciation-for-my-readers.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">I love my readers</span></a> for example.<br />
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2) The great and vast majority of people I've known in my online and face-to-face life, do not have a problem getting close to others or empathizing. They invite intimacy and have enough emotional intelligence to trust and be trusted. They crave being seen and heard beyond shallow affiliations.<br />
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3) Antagonistic does not fit most people who are cooperative and kind. There are a few folks on this planet who cannot abide my personality but it's usually after I offended them in an unforgivable manner having more to do with their mother then me, to be honest. I can pretty much count on one hand, the number of people I've antagonized face-to-face though it might take longer to list my online antagonisms since the written word is rife with misinterpretations. Give me a pot of tea and a box of Kleenex and I make friends for life. That doesn't mean I've been an easy person to love because my life has been strewn with random acts of tragedy. Like losing a baby, a hard childhood, an infidel husband, getting divorced in my fifties, my daughter's recent MS diagnosis, hey...I've cried on just as many shoulders as people have cried on mine.<br />
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During each of these life crises over a span of several decades, I have withdrawn into myself. I've been less sensitive to people's needs. I didn't remember to send birthday cards and declined invitations to dinner, to shop, to the bookstore, neglecting social proprieties. I've tended my wounds as any person should when their heart has been wrenched in two. There have been periods of time when my ego-centrism was both life-preserving and life-limiting, my sense of self solid enough to tolerate awareness and change. Eventually, wounded people restore a healthy balance. We send belated birthday cards restoring relationships that were based on good will; and we let go of the ones that were not persuaded to empathize. I know how to say "good-bye" to people who interpret my grief-filled self-focus as a personal insult or rejection. Without forgiveness, there is no relationship worth saving. In other words, <i>antagonizing other people is not my problem</i>.<br />
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I have known plenty of people leaving a steady stream of frustration and pain in their wake. If they had power over others, they never changed. That's because the people they hurt cowtowed like nobody's business, making sure they never offended the narcissist again. This is a sick relationship and I am sick of sick relationships, aren't you? As far as I know, dear reader who doesn't like my style, nobody cowtows to me. Not even the cat and you'd think he'd be far enough down the food chain to give me some respect. I guess he knows he's safe even if he pees on my baseboards when he's lonely.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Man and Woman</i> by Fernando Botero</td></tr>
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From <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://www.lifehacker.com.au/2014/11/why-were-so-full-of-ourselves-in-defense-of-narcissistic-qualities/"><span style="color: #e06666;">LifeHacker</span></a>:</span> "A telltale sign of a true narcissist is the inability to tolerate challenges to their cognitive distortions (e.g. challenging their perceived grandiosity or their views on damn near anything). The narcissist will act out in some way when their cognitive distortions are challenged. Another red flag is a “trail of destruction” in their personal relationships. True narcissists will likely have a history of emotionally injuring people who have attempted to get close to them, either because the narcissist can’t establish true intimacy or because they lack the empathy to be able to engage in pro-relationship behaviours. A third sign is the propensity to exploit others for personal gain...the ends ALWAYS justify the means if the ends in question are beneficial to them." </blockquote>
Drawing from this article then, these five traits are distinguishable as pathological meaning: persistent, resistant to change, and destructive.<br />
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1) Antagonistic, hostile, disagreeable (blames others; justifies hostility)<br />
2) Distorted perceptions of reality (how dare you question and disrespect me)<br />
3) Inability to tolerate criticism (out of proportion to precipitating event)<br />
4) Trail of destruction (coworkers, neighbors, family, friends, bloggers)<br />
5) Willingness to exploit to get what they want (no matter the harm to others)<br />
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Normal regular folks lapse into periods of ego-centrism but being self-centered is a reaction to circumstances (crises), it's not a state of being. The combination of all five behaviors makes for a dangerous relationship and could be life-threatening for others and the narcissist, too. We might all be narcissistic to some degree, but be careful defining other people (or yourself) as <i>A Narcissist</i> unless you understand the implications of this very extreme, very unhealthy, very debilitating disorder.<i> </i><br />
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Hugs,<br />
CZ<br />
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<b>Resources</b><br />
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Alan Henry on LifeHacker, <a href="http://www.lifehacker.com.au/2014/11/why-were-so-full-of-ourselves-in-defense-of-narcissistic-qualities/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Why We're So Full Of Ourselves: In Defense Of Narcissistic Qualities</span></a><br />
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An Upturned Soul,<span style="color: #e06666;"> <a href="https://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/2014/11/13/is-john-a-narcissist-or-is-john-the-victim-of-a-narcissist/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Is John a Narcissist or is John the Victim of a Narcissist?</span></a></span><br />
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The Narcissistic Continuum, <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2012/04/healthy-narcissism-or-pathological.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Healthy Narcissism or Pathological Narcissism</span></a></div>
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The Narcissistic Continuum, <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2008/03/test-post.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Healthy Narcissism</span></a></div>
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The Narcissistic Continuum, <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/01/21-signs-of-online-destructive.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Online Destructive Narcissists in forums and blogging communities</span></a></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjp8TsS2yjgicc-q2v0T_oz3f3ly5GW1G99rsjjVj77fiMXJ1ppGwYnpdlft_vvm21TLqXUAPjPmmsn7ew6HQ5XbVzGN7YznSD2_ZWVxL2K4nxDEq8I8h4w9DyiL6RND7b2LIUGXqaFON0f37M_hIVB05ndzi0K3jcSnPEcHPbnQ6sa08jlsIJoq2dyfI7yC5qcB60ZpB4F1YF28p_CjKh8lvBNwWkW=" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="310" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEjp8TsS2yjgicc-q2v0T_oz3f3ly5GW1G99rsjjVj77fiMXJ1ppGwYnpdlft_vvm21TLqXUAPjPmmsn7ew6HQ5XbVzGN7YznSD2_ZWVxL2K4nxDEq8I8h4w9DyiL6RND7b2LIUGXqaFON0f37M_hIVB05ndzi0K3jcSnPEcHPbnQ6sa08jlsIJoq2dyfI7yC5qcB60ZpB4F1YF28p_CjKh8lvBNwWkW=" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Pan Playing Flute</i> by J. Jordaens</span></td></tr>
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<i>See that guy under the fig tree playing a flute? He can't grow up the way you think he will. In twenty years time, he'll be cheating on you with a goat. You'll wonder why you didn't notice his hooves. Maybe because you made him wear pants in the daylight? You're such a prude, he tells the goats.</i></div>
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Family stories make me feel better about my struggle to <i>do the right thing</i>. Partnering with a narcissist was hard. People don't understand what you've been through when they criticize you for staying, for having children, for being naive. Even your ex says how messed up you were because obviously, you stuck around. He says no one else in the whole galaxy woulda put up with you for so long. He says how well you were treated considering your deficiencies and ineptitude, your lack of gratitude. Always between a rock and a hard place, partners of narcissists make the best of limited choices, a perpetual tug-of-war between a narcissistic spouse and the children. What I have learned this past decade is that you will never regret prioritizing your children; which might include (depending on your physical safety) <i>the decision to stay.</i></div>
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<b>It's hard being married to a narcissist</b><br />
<b>It can be even harder admitting you were </b></div>
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You'd gone about your life fairly normally, following rules, keeping commitments, expecting your marriage to work out in the end. No marriage was perfect, you told yourself. You can count at least three long-term marriages held together with scotch-tape and promises, becoming contented and loving in old age. Grateful they stayed together. Grateful families saw them through the tough times. Grateful they were spending holidays with their <i>own </i>grandchildren, not someone else's. You hang in there because this is what you've seen and that is what you believe your story will be, too.</div>
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When I started reading about narcissistic relationships, I wanted to believe everything an expert told me. I force-fit myself into pathological boxes. I defined myself as a complete mess since <i>I felt like a complete mess</i>. When you're reeling from infidelity and financial losses beyond recuperation, your sense of self will be blown to <s>shit</s> smithereens. If a psychologist says you fear abandonment, you'll believe it. If a book says you love too much, you'll believe it. You aren't sure who you are---or <i>who you were</i> because your ego has been shattered and your heart is on the ground. If an expert says codependency is why you married a puerile Pan, well----you have no filter of reason. An authority figure could say you were serial killer and you'd believe it. Okay maybe not but you'd fact-check the basement making sure you didn't do something you don't remember. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhSlangGOZ343MuRkg1ZQkxbJ7MNBFmjDlZLktw5OBCMWkxyWY1tBW3tOJEFj4KmkhgJ7aOYANea_BC6NVbCobnDYvJwR_iJIwSTYuJbp4LRn8FnXxO43HiVQHOpHhvy6V6L3EqOs3XDPMZiNPX9UyT9lYcnhJdJ0qVt9cCv4PbK8iFZZ_uKKFzjONF5IsAM3UrBNYkPvvs0v0nZ9Cj1ACEbJA=" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/proxy/AVvXsEhSlangGOZ343MuRkg1ZQkxbJ7MNBFmjDlZLktw5OBCMWkxyWY1tBW3tOJEFj4KmkhgJ7aOYANea_BC6NVbCobnDYvJwR_iJIwSTYuJbp4LRn8FnXxO43HiVQHOpHhvy6V6L3EqOs3XDPMZiNPX9UyT9lYcnhJdJ0qVt9cCv4PbK8iFZZ_uKKFzjONF5IsAM3UrBNYkPvvs0v0nZ9Cj1ACEbJA=" width="239" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Zelfportret als Faun</i> by Johfra</span></td></tr>
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It's been over a decade since being subjected to pop-psych explanations taking an additional chunk out of my self-esteem. Other partners of narcissists have written similar miserable narratives which means my experience is not unique. Partners of narcissists are perceived to be collusive and/or crazy. If we insist our partner is narcissistic because we're smart enough to read the <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2008/09/diagnostic-statistical-manual-of-mental.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">DSM</span></a>, people suggest we point our labeling fingers back at ourselves. They'd never be so naive as to marry a narcissist and godforbid they'd be arrogant enough to diagnose one! And then you see them in Costco being harangued by their spouse and you thank GOD you don't have to lie to yourself anymore.</div>
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The only thing casting me as a pathology suspect was my husband's behavior. People thought I was a goodly woman until my husband proved he was a badly man and then they looked at me skeptically. "Well," one guy said when he heard my husband was having an affair, "You seem like a nice lady but who knows what you're really like behind closed doors?"<br />
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I've come full circle back to myself which took much longer than expected, that's how traumatic sudden endings can be. At this point, I am able to see that my family-of-origin was <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/09/parentification-and-sibling-resentment.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">a dress rehearsal</span></a> for my marriage. As a child and adult, I soothed my family's feelings, off-set sadness and anxiety with light-heartedness, tried to make up for emotional deficits in fathers and husbands, worked doubly hard undoing the damage done. Those are character strengths, not deficits. Be cautious diagnosing yourself too soon in your recovery and don't pathologize behaviors that are cherished by healthy, loving people.</div>
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<b>"You act like you're my mother!"</b></div>
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<b> he whines</b></div>
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A certain amount of crazy is normal to every family I suspected then and even now, the line between acceptable or not depending on the people involved. What one family considers to be normal, another considers bizarre. When a narcissist marries a woman who's not, there's sure to be crazy. There's sure to be bizarre. When a narcissist marries a woman who's not, she'll prioritize the children, not him. When a narcissist marries a woman who's not, he'll accuse her of acting like his mother. Not because she <i>is</i> acting like his mother, but because he sees himself as Peter Pan. She worries the marriage won't survive the most recent crisis (<a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2009/12/infidelity-real-men-dont-make-excuses.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">infidelity</span></a>) and makes an appointment with a marriage counselor. Peter complains he's married to his Mom and what does the therapist say? "Stop acting like his mother and read this book about adventurous sex with M&M's." </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Nymphs and Satyr</i> by William Adolf Bouguereau</span></td></tr>
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NOTE: I've never yet met a goodly woman who successfully competed with Tinkerbell so be kind to yourself. The problem is NOT you. The problem is Peter Pan and a sexist society <i>valuing above all we declare to be holy and sacred about family:</i> Peter's peter's happiness. </div>
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Consider his insult to be a compliment. You Grew Up. You Took Responsibility. Your Priorities were in Order. You Were Willing to <i>do the right thing</i> and Displease Peter. And you knew and rightly so, that Chocolate Gods created M&Ms to melt in your mouth, not your...</div>
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<b>About Right Action</b> </div>
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I never determined right action from a spread sheet, a pro-and-con list, a religious book; it was innate. Knowing the right thing to do made my children's lives easier and it was intuitive. That didn't mean doing the right thing made my life easier (!) but not having an egocentric focus drew and kept my children close. They trusted me to be there for them, to restore the peace, to listen. And to make donuts. Never underestimate the bonding power of donuts stacked two dozen-deep on a broom handle.</div>
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<b>Making Light in Heavy Moments</b></div>
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We had decided as a family, to see a movie at our local theater. My children were about five and eight years old, as best I can remember. As the hour drew near, we reminded their Dad what time it was and asked him to stop what he was doing. We needed to leave or we'd be late. He shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. He had changed his mind. "I'd rather sit and think," he said.</div>
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<i>The look on my children's faces</i>...well...it crushed my heart seeing their disappointment because they instinctively realized their father preferred studying scriptures to being with his family. I couldn't stand it. I hated that he would disappoint them that way. My first instinct was not to cajole him into going with us. If he didn't want to go, okay then. Don't go. I didn't have any desire to yell at him either, or threaten him. Why engage in an argument when the movie started in ten minutes? If he and I were bickering, our kids would miss the film they'd looked forward to all week and then they'd witness what was sure to be a terrifying example of my insanity. Summing up the situation quickly, I decided to ease the tension and my children's disappointment by saying something silly. "Hey kids," I said. "Dad wants to sit n' stink!"</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Italian School_<i>Pan with Pipes</i></span></td></tr>
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Sit n' Stink! The kids held their tummies laughing, oblivious to their father's glare searing burn holes in my flesh. They skipped to the car like happy wabbits and a good time was had by all. Whether the stinker had a good time or not, we didn't ask. Do we remember the name of the film we watched that day? No. But "Sit n' Stink" has become a family mantra. It serves as a reminder to pull our heads out of our asses and carry both body parts into our lives. It reminds us that heaven is already at our feet if we'll stop looking for a private invitation. </div>
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Partners of narcissists work doubly hard undoing damage done by a narcissistic spouse. We can take pride in our efforts to make our children's lives better---often at the expense of our own personal satisfaction. People stay in difficult marriages for good and sane reasons and sometimes it's the "right thing to do" even in a wrong situation. I do not regret staying in my marriage and trying to make things work for three decades. Our marriage ended but not without me giving it everything I could and then some. Today, my children tell me how much they appreciate my ability to make them feel loved and safe, allowing us to live as long as we could as an intact family. I am sure other partners-of-narcissists have done an even better job than myself and certainly under more brutal conditions than my marriage ever was. The narcissistic marriage is lonely for the most part, usually traumatic at the end. The majority of the time, it's simply hard work. It's may be the hardest thing you'll ever do. Appreciate yourself for the incredibly difficult thing you did <i>and might still be doing</i>. Stop focusing on your mistakes and failures looming pathological in hindsight. Time and distance will create a more realistic perspective than judging yourself too soon in the aftermath of trauma and abuse. </div>
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Pay attention to the brilliant things you were able to do, such as "making light in heavy moments." It doesn't matter how trivial the intervention, your children will know you care; that they are treasured. They will know their fun is equally important to the fun adults might prefer. They'll also learn that <i>family </i>is an action, not a possession. That <i>love </i>is an action, not a feeling.<br />
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Funny how this incident predicted our future twenty years later, isn't it? We are still a family, even without him, which is why I can say to other partners of narcissists: You Will Never Regret Prioritizing Your Children. You <i>will</i> regret prioritizing Peter.<br />
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Hugs,</div>
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CZ<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/JohnWagnerFamily_SheldonPeck_zps7ccf185e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/JohnWagnerFamily_SheldonPeck_zps7ccf185e.jpg" height="311" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sheldon Peck, artist</td></tr>
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We visited my parents over the weekend, always a catalyst for rumination on the three-hour drive home.<br />
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Our visits frequently include a ten-year review: my ex-husband leaving the family; the financial and emotional losses of infidelity and divorce; the grief we suffer because in spite of my ex's paranoid perceptions, he was my siblings' brother, my parents' son. All of us lost someone we loved and he wasn't easy to love, believe me. He was a lot easier on the eyes I must confess, than most of us. We miss his face in our family portraits.</div>
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My mother retrieved two file folders she'd kept during my high school and college years. Hand-written letters, scribbled poems, creative essays with big fat A's circled on the header. My daughter eagerly scanned the poetry to see what her mother had written when I was too-young-to-be-self-conscious. I didn't even know I had a subconscious. Or an unconscious, id and ego, much less an arsenal of defenses. My daughter is much more educated than I; the poetry she writes is worthy of serious contemplation. She read literary masterpieces in high school and my principle excused me from English to teach reading to first graders. Yea, that was the "good ol' days" when women were destined for <a href="http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/housewifization"><span style="color: #e06666;">housewifization</span></a>, not publication. </div>
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Anyway, we were sitting at the table, my mother, daughter and I when my daughter read this gawdawful eye-rolling poem about the wife I wanted to be one day. If anyone else has suffered the unveiling of your horrific naivety and patriarchal colonization, please hold my hand. I need company. It took every ounce of my hard-earned self-esteem not to slam my face in the tabletop. </div>
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If you wanna know how much increased narcissism has helped women like myself, read that poem and then this blog. The disparity in self-ownership suggests something very interesting. I think it suggests that some women (especially women in traditional cultures) need to increase their individuality, their right to autonomy, their sense of entitlement and "havingness". Just because <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2010/03/narcissistic-traits-and-npi.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">our score is low on the NPI</span> </a>(Narcissistic Personality Inventory), doesn't mean we're living to our fullest potential as human beings holding up half the sky with one hand and a sandwich platter with the other. Narcissism can be a good thing is my point.<i> </i>You don't develop healthy narcissism without risk is another point. You have to risk doing things friends & family might not agree with (like writing a blog), risk being criticized, <i>risk being rejected</i>. Nothing ended my marriage faster than claiming my right to exist on my own terms, within bounds of course 'cuz a conscientious woman will always keep her entitlements within reason. My right to have an opinion that differed from my husband's led to a midlife divorce, although that wasn't a conscious awareness on my part. The amazing thing about narcissistic husbands is that you won't know they aren't in full support of your spiritual and psychological growth <i>until they find someone else. </i>And then by golly, you realize how lucky you were that you didn't know how much he hated your guts since you <s>might have</s> would have tempered or even <i>silenced</i> that big fat opinion you need to have! </div>
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Well once again, I'm typing more than intended before getting to my initial reason for writing this post: <b>my readers. </b>Thank you, thank you so much! As we talked about my transition from a naive and idealistic young woman to a naive and idealistic older woman, I KNOW without a doubt that the people reading my writings have Changed My Life <i>for the better.</i> We can only go so far on our own. We need people to encourage us, validate and support us, read us, inspire, question and accept us. It's temptingly easy to start feeling better and abandon <i>recovery work</i>, watching movies on iPhones instead of writing. That's because it's hard work putting feelings and thoughts into words and risking ridicule and criticism when we publish those words. Facing fear makes us grow and taking risks make us heal in ways we simply can't in the family living room. I can list screennames as long as a day without bread, of the people who inspired me to stand up for myself, to look at myself, to <i>like </i>myself. Thank you.<br />
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I am also grateful to my brilliant daughter who said after reading my tender soliloquy, <i>"Every woman has the right to be idealistic and even naive, Mom. It's beautiful. But a man does not have the right to appropriate her idealism to serve himself." </i>Yea, what she said. </div>
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Yesterday's stats referred to a website that recommended my blog (!) as a great website, albeit <i>l-o-n-g</i>. My writing is <i>l-o-n-g</i> and maybe my next challenge is learning to say a lot in a little, since most people won't read daunting entries such as mine-----another reason why I LOVE my readers each and every one of you. I am a better woman because you hold me accountable while allowing me to change and grow, to be myself. During the past decade, I've been bitter, cynical, too opinionated, too wishy-washy, too forgiving, not aggressive enough. I've been mean and spiteful, kind and rightful, tender and harsh intermittently. And still, my WoNderful readers have accepted me as an older woman rendered almost invisible in our narcissistic culture. You have made me feel that despite everything that happened because I was and continue to be idealistic, you still find something worthy in my experiences, valuable in my writing. Thank you. I am a lucky woman and I know it's because my <i>interlocutors </i>have taken the time to read and comment on my work. Thank you.<br />
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And now as promised: one of my high school masterpieces. It's not the poem you're dying to read, admit it. I sincerely appreciate each and every one of you, but my ego isn't yet strong enough to publish <i>Ode to My Future Husband</i>. This poem says a lot in a little, though.</div>
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<i>"Poetry, schmoetry," </i><i>that's what I say.</i></div>
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<i>I can write poetry any ol' day.</i></div>
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<i>It ain't that hard, all you have to do</i></div>
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<i>is match up a line with a word or two.</i></div>
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<i>My teacher says "write!" and I just laugh.</i></div>
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<i>She thinks I work but I don't hafta </i></div>
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<i>'cuz I can write poetry any ol' day.</i></div>
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<i>If those doggone words don't get in the way.</i></div>
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Love to all,</div>
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CZ </div>
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<a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/1PieterAertsenDutchNorthernRenaissancePainterc1508-1575MarketWoman_zpsc54ad9ca.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/1PieterAertsenDutchNorthernRenaissancePainterc1508-1575MarketWoman_zpsc54ad9ca.jpg" height="400" width="397" /></a></div>
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I've been busy.</div>
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Two weeks ago we traveled to my father's garden to pick vegetables. He's a retired farmer at eighty-eight, still growing a hundred tomato plants as tall as a hired hand's shoulders. If you can't imagine three-hundred pounds of vegetables lying about the kitchen, this picture'll give you a good idea. Except for the cow and the man in the background. We didn't steal Dad's cow because he doesn't have one and no bearded man's been hovering in the shadows of my kitchen for over a decade thank God pass the tomatoes on the china platter we use for every day.<br />
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Not that I don't like men because I do. I may like them too much which is why it's rectifying learning to live without one. When you grow up in a patriarchal religion, existing without a man is deemed peculiar if not blasphemous and neighbors want to know why you're single. Unless you're ugly. Then they figure you didn't have a choice about spinsterhood and say stuff like, "Oh, that CZ. She'd be such a great wife for an old man if it weren't for...her...<i>face</i>." Some people prefer believing <i>men have rejected me</i> rather than knowing I made the decision to stay single based on reasoned principles and predictable outcomes, having nothing to do with divorce bitterness or male disdain. I carry no torch for my ex, you can rest assured on that account; but I do carry matches in the event he shows up in a gas truck. That was a smart alec thing to say, wasn't it? The truth is: violence is not my thing. Which is why remaining single allows me to live by my principles. Jest kiddin'. Not all men are violent. Just the ones I pick.<br />
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My family is much better off if I'm picking vegetables, not husbands. <br />
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My sister who lives with me hates preserving food. She won't do it. She's such a lousy picker of men that everyone agrees she's better off in an executive suite than an apron. She compares the price of case-goods to home canning and if she calculates her time based on whatever-ungodly-sum-per-hour she earns in the workplace, she can't justify indentured kitchen servitude. In 2014 it makes no sense does it, if the value of a thing like canning is measured in dollars and cents. Even if my labor smacks of gender oppression and yesteryear quaintness, there's satisfaction in knowing my foremothers were similarly obliged. Canning lets me walk in their shoes, linking arms with <i>my </i>ancestors as we chop, simmer and sterilize our way to spiritual harmony. Canning gives placement to my life, affirming my connection to the past and participation in the future. We are here because we eat and my kids will survive because I fed them and this is an inarguable fact. What could be more honorable than sustaining life? I think about these things while ladling garlic-infused sauce in glass jars, enough for a year of Friday night pizzas.<br />
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The question to ponder during a sweaty-browed week was why canning would be ultimately satisfying. Why bottle tomatoes when a jarful costs less than a dollar? I DON'T KNOW. Maybe because it makes me happy which is obvious to everyone in the house since I break into song unexpectedly. Usually hymns. This confuses the hell out of my family. No worries, they're used to cognitive dissonance. They also know after living with me that I believe hard work results in long-lasting satisfaction and eternal rewards. "When we immerse ourselves in domestic work," I tell them, "we lose ourselves in something greater than ourselves." Canning is not a repetition compulsion.<br />
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Values tell you what your heart believes is important</div>
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We preserve food in my family because it's <i>the right thing to do</i>. "Hard Work Builds Character," my grandmother would pronounce, lacking tolerance for complaints; she was a hardy woman. At this stage of my life I know she's right but would ask if she were here, "What kind of character, grandmother? Joyful and satisfied; or resentful and ornery?"<br />
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I married a narcissistic husband for whom the ordinary tasks of marriage and family carried little meaning or value, although he performed them as dutifully as a good man should. "It's time for you," he said one day after I'd painted the second-story rain gutters, "to get off my gravy train!" And so I did and discovered true joy when people knew in their hearts that I didn't can tomatoes because I had to; I did it because I loved them.<br />
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I did not know satisfaction and joy weren't guaranteed outcomes of hard work and by <i>hard </i>I mean <i>taken for granted.</i> I've learned through my narcissistic relationships of which there have been more than one, that there is no life-sustaining work that cannot be sufficiently criticized and marginalized to the point of worthlessness and invisibility. Yes, my ex worked hard at his career and yes, he worked hard maintaining our home, but he didn't see how hard I was working, too. Maybe because I was singing.<br />
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<a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/Still_Life_with_Tomatoes_a_Bowl_of_Aubergines_and_Onions_zps95cdcda0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/Still_Life_with_Tomatoes_a_Bowl_of_Aubergines_and_Onions_zps95cdcda0.jpg" height="229" width="320" /></a><br />
People who find no joy in quotidian work, may still complete the tasks their culture expects of them. They excel at performing their family values. Fueled by stoicism, they move around the kitchen like automatons, grumbling when they trip on the gel mat, cramming jars instead of cradling them, scrubbing tomatoes instead of bathing them, counting their hours to coerce gratitude. When canning week ends, they deftly check the box on their task list: <i>Done</i>. The family breathes a sigh of relief.<br />
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Narcissistic characters don't do the task for the sake of doing it. It's a job. They did it. Their earned their right to live another day. They measure the value of their existence by keeping score with the competition. "You put up one hundred jars of Mexican Salsa?" your cousin exclaims. "That's fantastic! You're amazing! I put up one hundred and fifty!"<br />
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<b>Tip:</b> <i>If your relative is narcissistic and you want to stay on good relations with her, always ask how many jars of tomatoes she canned first. Make sure your number count is fewer. White lies are permissible for the sake of family unity. And if you want to show off your beautifully canned peaches turned ever-so-perfectly in the jar, expect to be told how much time you wasted doing something nobody in their right mind would ever do. And then expect to see her perfectly turned peaches next year that didn't take her nearly as long as it took you---would you like a few tips 'cuz she's willing to share.</i></blockquote>
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The grueling and often-invisible work of raising a family and supporting a husband led to a contented midlife without regrets. I had fully invested myself in the "greater good of family" without immediate reward. There were no promotions to be seduced by, no public acclaim to distract me. Doing for others and contributing my time, cultivated a deep attachment to family, along with personal satisfaction, something I'd learned <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/09/parentification-and-sibling-resentment.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">as the eldest child</span></a>. My ex, on the other hand, insisted he'd worked his whole goddamn life dammit and deserved to retire with someone he liked a lot more than his family. Why had my hard work created contentment, not resentment? Why didn't I view family as a burden or hate them for being ingrates? This occupied my mind while boiling jalapeno peppers on Jelly Day, nearly choking to death on the toxic fumes but oh, is jalapeno jelly good at Christmastime!<br />
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<a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/LillyMartinSpencer1822ndash1902PeelingOnions_zps7d27017c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/LillyMartinSpencer1822ndash1902PeelingOnions_zps7d27017c.jpg" height="320" width="256" /></a>Narcissistic characters work hard doing everything they're supposed to do in order to be good people. Then midlife arrives and they feel insignificant and unappreciated, cheated of the happiness a check list promised. Hell, we are all insignificant and unappreciated. Hard work, the kind that taxes stamina and commitment, is supposed to make a person feel insignificant and unappreciated. Allowing ourselves to feel unimportant forces ego to give sway, connecting us to our spiritual self, the self that isn't motivated by self-interest and self-promotion.<br />
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Our ultimate satisfaction merging work with passion sustains the body and nourishes spirit, too. I never complain (not for long anyway) about the hours spent, bruised feet, burn blisters, the fruit flies and scorched pot bottoms because the canning process makes me happy. Carrying forth the family tradition makes sense of my life, gives meaning to my life, and secures my place in history. I really think I could find meaning in a haystack; be happy living in a shoe. The thought of canning tomatoes in a shoe tickled me on Bruschetta Day. Blessed be the woman finding happiness in her pantry.<br />
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On Spaghetti Sauce Day, the FedEx man rang my doorbell. I wiped my hands on my apron (good cooks are a mess to look at, a joy to share the table with) and answered the door. He sniffed the air and smiled, "Spaghetti sauce?"<br />
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"Yup," I said. "I'm canning tomatoes this week."<br />
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His eyes softened and he smiled, "My mom canned tomatoes! She passed away last year and I miss her so much." I listened to a few stories about his mother and went back to my kitchen. My daughter wandered up the stairs and hugged me. "Do you know how happy it makes me when you're canning, Mom? I love you so much."<br />
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I carefully fill the jars <i>just so, </i>making them aesthetically pleasing and not because they're headed for the State Fair, but because it satisfies me when ordinary things are done excellently. That I imagine my great-great-grandmothers nodding their approval might not be something to share with just anyone, though.<br />
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Love to all,<br />
CZ<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Albert Anker</td></tr>
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Dear John Bradshaw introduced the idea of championing our inner child. He instructed readers to keep a photo of themselves, age six years or eight in plain view. Our age in the photograph could correlate with a tragic event; it didn't have to though; it wouldn't matter if it didn't. The point was integrating our inner child with our adult self, gaining a realistic perspective of our lives. This exercise promised an awakening of self-compassion through the admission that once upon a time, we thought and acted like children...because we were.<br />
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<i>How easy it is to forget you were a child.</i></div>
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Observing my self as a child meant really seeing <i>my self, </i>remembering feelings and thoughts and my teacher in first grade. It sounds silly talking about our <i>inner child,</i> holding her hand and promising to care for her; yet feelings of tenderness dissolved my cynical resistance. Self-forgiveness melted boundaries between the past and present, releasing the shame still carried as an adult, for failing to meet big expectations fixed on tiny shoulders.<br />
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Adult children of narcissists peer into childhood darkly, mercilessly critical of themselves, oblivious to the blame they're directing towards a six-year old who acted like...well...a six-year-old. Not seeing themselves as children with undeveloped psyches, limited choices, powerless over circumstances, doing the best they could. That's a hard thing to accept, being powerless. It may lead to increased reluctance putting ourselves in little shoes perhaps; avoiding empathizing with the vulnerable child we were perhaps. When <i>you </i>think about being a child, are you touched by the complexity children face adjusting to an unpredictable and sometimes ugly world? And while we were figuring out who who we were and where we fit in a reality we couldn't control, shit happened. Tender children dealing with shitty circumstances grew up to blame themselves for not behaving like adults when they were eight or even fifteen. This is what Bradshaw meant by championing our <i>inner child</i>. Self-forgiveness. Self-compassion. Self-love.<br />
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Parentification: "The compliant response is illustrated when you, as an adult: spend a great deal of your time taking care of others; are constantly alert about acting in a way to please others; are very conforming; feel responsible for the feelings, care and welfare of others; tend to be self-deprecating; rush to maintain harmony and to soothe others feelings; and seldom get your needs met." ~Dr. Nina Brown, <a href="http://www.wmeades.com/id211.htm" style="color: #e06666;">The Parentified Child</a></blockquote>
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What were you doing when you were fifteen?<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Albert Anker</td></tr>
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In 1966-67, our neighbors were driving to Texas to buy a bull for their farm. They invited my parents to go with them. Circumstances were such that they had to go the next morning, no matter what. Mom resisted. She didn't want to leave her daughters alone. My brother wasn't in school yet (he's ten years younger than me) which meant she would take him with her. She didn't have the freedom to tell my father "no" and maybe you had to have to grown up in those times, to understand male authority. Hurriedly and reluctantly, mother packed bags while scribbling lists and reminders. She worried about not stocking the pantry, figuring I would make do. Call me creative. Call me industrious. Just don't call me cruel.<br />
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I was maybe fifteen years old and responsible for waking three sisters, fixing breakfast, ordering baths, combing hair, and catching the school bus since we didn't have alternative transportation. I was told to make sure everyone finished their homework, myself included. In addition, the next Sunday was Easter and mother had always made new dresses for church. Staying home to make Easter outfits was her strongest argument against driving to Texas, though as usual, Dad would hear none of it. Her resistance to what he wanted to do was akin to patriarchal mutiny. She had to go. Feeling sympathetic to her plight, I offered to do the sewing. She pointed to a pile of fabric on the sewing table and wished me luck. During that week, I made four dresses, four dress coats, a paisley vest and bow-tie for my little brother. Wanting to do everything perfectly and please my family, I felt competent and smart---like Grade A marriage material for a future patriarch of my own. (ha! I got one all right! yikes)<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Albert Anker</td></tr>
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<b>The Bologna Soup Story</b><br />
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My childhood as the eldest was different from my younger siblings. As the eldest of five, my siblings relish in telling stories about my unrighteous dominion. I'll share one of those stories in a minute but first you need to know we lived in a farming community where every household had as little as every other household. My girl friends also tended younger siblings and in comparison to a few, my life was a breeze. Each time my best friend's father pummeled her mother's body with his fists, she took over household duties until her mother could show her face again. (I understand the abuse cycle and how it traps women and children; but male violence <i>towards those who love them most,</i> is as crazy to me today as it was then.) </div>
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Enjoying domestic arts and being a leader, I wanted to help and was never resentful of the work. It's what girls did in my culture, plus, I valued taking care of people. My easy going temperament and genuine pleasure in "women's work" was a good fit. By contemporary parenting standards, my childhood depicts <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification"><span style="color: #e06666;">parentification</span></a>, but I didn't feel burdened then and don't feel resentful now. Nonetheless, caring for my sisters and brother demanded a heavy investment of time and energy which interestingly, cultivated my affection for them. Care giving wasn't onerous because I loved them. Maybe that's why it never occurred to me that my siblings would carry grudges. To be sure, I wasn't a perfect mother as a child. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Albert Anker</td></tr>
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<i>Two weeks ago...</i><br />
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We were sitting around my parent's table, reminiscing. You know how FOO (family-of-origin) discussions go: one memory leads to another until someone lobs a grenade. The conversation grinds to a halt and nobody knows if the grenade-launcher was joking or serious. I had to mentally review the sequence of events in order to understand what had happened. Please note: Most people never understand why they throw grenades until waking up from the family collusion. Then we spend the last half of our lives understanding patterns and changing destructive behaviors, <i>if </i>we care enough to do the work, that is. I am grateful to be awake. I don't care if it takes the rest of my life "learning, unlearning, and relearning", it's preferable to <i>peating, unpeating and repeating</i> behaviors that hurt other people.<br />
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<i>It all started with ruffles and lace...</i><br />
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Recently, my mother rummaged through her closets, rescuing vintage prom and <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gunne_Sax"><span style="color: #e06666;">Gunne Sax dresses</span></a> circa 1970. "Remember the yellow and white formal you made?" she asked me. I was a young mother at the time, scheduling busy days in order to finish my sister's dress with enough time to mail it several states over. Mom said, "When we got the package on the day of the prom,<i> </i>we were so relieved. When we saw the dress, it was bea-U-ti-ful and fit perfectly!" I was getting lots of attention for actually finishing dresses on time. (It's always a plus when your seamstress is reliable). I had even sewn a sister's tailored wedding gown though she wasn't overjoyed when this was mentioned. (I've been in her doghouse for a couple of years and lemme tell you, it's cramped! My legs may be bent forever, if I ever get out...Woof!)<br />
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My anxiety was elevating by the second. Anxiety is a useful warning sign to pay attention to. Anxiety can be a functional companion when your family is dysfunctional. Anxiety makes you sweat when you're in the danger zone and then you can do something like leave the table to go to the bathroom, or say something really awful about yourself. Spotlights give me panic attacks. Being singled out fills me with apprehension, worried someone's feelings will be hurt; knowing someone will feel left out, someone will feel diminished and that means there's sure to be an explosion. The pattern is so ingrained, it's predictable. <i>When siblings don't believe there's enough praise and attention to go around or even enough love to share, they put each other down through criticism and insult.</i> If the critic's insults ally with another sibling's resentments, they sidle up together feeding grievances. Lest anyone be concerned about me becoming arrogant, no worries. My family excels at keeping each other in our place. It's a vicious game I'm devoted to <i>unpeating</i>.<br />
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<i>Everyone was having a great time and then....</i></div>
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Mom just had to bring up 1967. "Remember when your Dad and I went to Texas?" The room fell silent. One of my sisters interjected a <i>little </i>too aggressively to pretend she was kidding, "YES! CZ made bologna soup!!"<br />
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Rather than defend myself, I asked, "Does anyone remember bologna soup?" Another sister dared raise her arm to the square, "I do! I do!" Grumble.<br />
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Five siblings at the table: Two on one side; three on the other.</div>
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"Maybe the only thing we had was Campbell's Soup and bologna beefed it up." My youngest sister pledged her allegiance to the chef.<br />
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"Are you accusing OUR MOTHER of not having food for her children?" a sister charged. A stunning accusation destined for the family history books. We stared at her grenade in the center of the table. Nobody pulled the pin. I resisted the urge to pick it up.<br />
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Five siblings at the table: Two on one side; two on the other; one to go.<br />
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The only person who hadn't spoken at this point was my little brother, the kid with the paisley bow tie. "Tell me bro," I asked, "How many fifteen-year-old kids do you think would do what I did as your sister?" He replied, "Maybe one in a hundred thousand."<br />
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<i>And with that comment, the pattern was broken...</i><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.800000190734863px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">"Bologna Soup Girls" (Albert Anker)</span></td></tr>
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This time during round #500 of the Bologna Soup story, I didn't feel guilty or ashamed. Did the pattern change because I didn't JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain myself? Did the pattern change because I knew my intentions as a child were honorable? I'd like to think so. I'd like to think John Bradshaw's exercise prompted full embrace of my Inner Child, doing the best she could to make things better for her family. Even when it was beyond her maturation.<br />
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We've had this Texas discussion nigh on thirty years and it's never ended with, "One in a hundred thousand." In prior renditions, we'd argue. I'd zero in on sibling criticism, irritated by the absurdity of their complaints. (There's a myriad of insults worthy of <i>my </i>spittle and ire; bologna soup doesn't make the top six hundred; and besides, I had to eat it, too!) Then I'd beat myself up for disappointing my family and doing something so dumb as throwing chopped bologna in canned soup. Then I'd feel insane, or maybe surreal is a better description because such a petty grievance is crazy to me. But I've learned overtime that the crazier a situation appears, the deeper the pain <i>disappears</i>. Bologna Soup is a distraction. It avoids the truth. It's a red herring. Something else was going on besides bad soup.<br />
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Scapegoating<br />
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Super-responsible and super-conscientious people are easy scapegoats. We feel guilty. We want to do what's right. We don't want to hurt anyone. Scapegoating allows people to project anger and blame onto a safe target (the scapegoat) without risking reprisals from authority figures, the people they're angriest with. Instead of owning feelings and confronting their parents, my siblings attack the girl in the apron. They trust the cook will feel guilty and won't retaliate because of course she will, and of course she won't. There were extenuating circumstances in my family at the time and I understood <i>then </i>and <i>now</i> why eldest children were expected to care for younger siblings. The toxic aftermath in our family is the inability of adult siblings to communicate with one another as peers, to trust meeting at the table without grenades; to talk about fears and losses; to appreciate and admire without envy, one another's gifts. That I would be resented has been a deep loss in my life, another layer of grief.<br />
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My assumption is that parentification impacts a child's development, turns the family system upside-down, and fosters sibling resentment. Particularly I think, if the parentified child is perceived to be Mom or Dad's favorite. To be sure, favoritism is in the eye of the beholder and may not be indeed be a fact. The parentified sibling <i>may appear</i> to have more liberties and power than the other children, thus leading to perceptions of unfairness; however, this childish perception is a distortion of the truth. No one has fewer liberties than the child who is expected to behave like an adult, punished for behaving like the child she is.<br />
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"[parentified] kids carry the full burden of the family trauma. They lose out on the chance to experience their own childhood <i>and are often resented by the other kids because they are doing the limit setting and child rearing. </i>These circumstances often lead this child to choose a marital partner who is dependent so that, once again, they are in the role of parent to their spouse." ~Alan Schwartz, <a href="http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=46636"><span style="color: #e06666;">Family Boundaries and the Parentified Child</span></a></blockquote>
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Albert Anker</div>
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If the parentified child always becomes a resentful adult, then I was not parentified. If sibling resentment is the criteria, then maybe. Exactly what Dr. Schwartz meant by <i>limit setting and child rearing</i> is unclear to me. Most examples of parentification are extreme cases: children raising children; children parenting incompetent and/or incapacitated parents; children forsaking age-appropriate interests. My story is dissimilar in that my parents gave wide berth to individual pursuits and didn't expect me to take charge of the house or finances. They expected me to fill in when needed, enforce restrictions, protect, work, teach, and be a perfect role model. Little stuff like that...ha!<br />
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Just last year, my Dad told me to "straighten up" because I was the eldest and needed to set a good example for my siblings. He didn't seem to notice his children were in their fifties and sixties. I may be influential and I may be a good person but I have no pretenses about my power over anyone, nor my fault for the choices they make. Still, his throwaway comment offered a <i>telling</i> glimpse into my past.<br />
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Because of the horrible stories people write about narcissistic siblings, it's important to clarify I was not a vindictive, domineering, or coercive sister. I never battered my siblings <i>never ever</i>. I defended them against bullies. I taught them to play the piano and to read and organized birthday parties when mother didn't have time. I performed the role of the family peacekeeper while having fun, too. There are more funny stories to remember than stories about culinary disasters which is why being resented by my siblings is confusing. And why the theory of parentification has been a candle in the dark.<br />
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It's painful for me to accept our currently strained relationships as the best we can achieve as adult siblings. I understand we can't force anyone to sacrifice their defenses; nor can we insist they untie the scapegoat from her whipping post. We can't make someone love us. I no longer try to earn love or respect from other people. They are willing to give it---or they aren't. I remain curious as to how my siblings came to see me as an authority figure and especially why they have not released me from a childish perception. If I could tell my siblings one thing, it would be how much I care about them and always did. And my wish? Allow me be a child in your memory, too.<br />
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<b>Resources</b></div>
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Bethany Webster, <a href="http://womboflight.com/2014/02/01/when-shame-is-mother-the-tragedy-of-parentified-daughters/"><span style="color: #e06666;"><b>When Shame feels Mothering: The Tragedy of Parentified Daughters</b></span></a><br />
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"As children, we were not responsible for the choices and behavior of the adults around us. Once we really take this in, we can then take full responsibility by working through it, acknowledging how it has impacted our lives, so that we can make new choices that are in alignment with our authentic selves. Many women try to skip this step and go right to forgiveness and empathy which can keep them stuck. You can’t truly move on if you don’t know what you are moving on from." </blockquote>
Samuel Lopez de Victoria, <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/15/harming-your-child-by-making-him-your-parent/"><span style="color: #e06666;"><b>Harming Your Child by Making Him Your Parent</b></span></a> </span><br />
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<i><b>Emotional Parentification:</b></i> This type of parentification forces the child to meet the emotional needs of their parent and usually other siblings also. This kind of parentification is the most destructive. It robs the child of his/her childhood and sets him/her up to have a series of dysfunctions that will incapacitate him/her in life. In this role, the child is put into the practically impossible role of meeting the emotional and psychological needs of the parent. </blockquote>
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<i><b>Instrumental Parentification:</b> </i>When a child takes up this role he/she meets physical or instrumental needs of the family. The child relieves the anxiety experienced normally by a parent that is not functioning correctly. The child may take care of the children, cook, etc. and by this essentially taking over many or all the physical responsibilities of the parent. This is not the same as a child learning responsibility through assigned chores and tasks. The difference is that the parent robs the child of his childhood by forcing him/her to be an adult caregiver with little or no opportunity to just be a kid. The child is made to feel as a surrogate parent over the siblings and parent." </blockquote>
Lisa M. Hooper. <b><a href="http://guru.louisville.edu/parentification/uploads/1/8/9/9/18990327/hooper-application-of-attachment-theory.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">Application of Attachment Theory ad Family Systems Theory to the Phenomena of Parentification</span></a></b><br />
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Attachment theory and family systems theory, taken together, are proffered as a potential framework to understand the adverse effects of parentification. Attachment theory helps clarify the process of parentification as it involves the relationship between child and parent and/or caregiver. Family systems theory gives clarity to the context (i.e., the family system) in which parentification takes place. Internal working models are discussed as the mechanism through which meaning making about the parentification process happens and thereby informs the opportunity for positive and negative outcomes in adulthood. The proposed framework allows for a potentially broader view of this ubiquitous phenomenon parentification.</blockquote>
John Bradshaw on YouTube, <b><span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bClMK5rNBSc"><span style="color: #e06666;">part one</span></a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltxpD5C4gR0"><span style="color: #e06666;">part two</span></a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0eJehJu3tI"><span style="color: #e06666;">part three</span></a> <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVGtbCqH7Ko"><span style="color: #e06666;">part four</span></a></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #e06666;"><span style="color: #e06666;"> </span></span></b> <br />
Narcissistic Continuum:<b style="color: #e06666;"> </b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2010/04/crib-notes-in-my-birkenstocks.html" style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;">Crib Notes in my Birkenstocks</a><br />
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Narcissistic Continuum:<span style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;"> <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2010/04/non-violent-communication.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Non-Violent Communication: Eisler and Rosenberg</span></a></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/e7d6814c-5b29-4181-85b3-cf469a5d7728_zps8fb12ff0-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/e7d6814c-5b29-4181-85b3-cf469a5d7728_zps8fb12ff0-1.jpg" height="400" width="365" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Sunday Gardening</i> by John Falter</td></tr>
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Admit it. You have a neighbor like this, too. One house is manicured to perfection; the other a dreary mess. One walkway is scattered with hedge clippings; the other missing bricks. Zinnias bloom like colored popcorn balls on one side of the property; weeds choke hollyhocks on the other. The only thing a sane woman like myself can do in a circumstance like this, is lay a newspaper on her face and take a nap. </div>
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Neighbors. One in five has a personality disorder and not one of them thinks they're as screwed up as their neighbors believe they are. </div>
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If you're part of a Homeowner's Association, you know what I'm talking about. At least one person in the group measures everyone's grass within a 1/4" allowance, sticking rulers in front yards to terrorize the miscreant. Rebels have newspapers strewn across their driveways, rainstorms dissolving paper into pulp while Madame Ruler frantically pastes warning notices about declining property values. The same dynamics in every other group are rooted in the homeowner's meeting. You've got yer leader, legal enforcers, true believers, bystanders and when-will-this-flipping-meeting-end criminals. (You know you're in trouble when the Homeowner's President suggests building a gallows on the empty lot and everyone looks at <i>you</i>).</div>
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Neighbors. One in five has a personality disorder and not one of them thinks they're as screwed up as their neighbors believe they are. </div>
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Did you know 6.2% of the general population has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, most of them men? That means one out of sixteen lawnmowers has a turbo-charged engine with helicopter blades, the best lawnmower a credit card can buy. If you want to avoid living next to one-upping-narcissists, consider an "established" community. Only 3% of people over 65 have a narcissistic personality (Stinson). Plus, senior citizens pay cash for a Sears push mower which means you won't be tempted to <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=car%20keying"><span style="color: #e06666;">"key"</span></a> it when they're on vacation. Your better instincts will instead be inspired to make a pitcher of icy lemonade and invite Mr. 65+ to take a break from his labors. The entire neighborhood will rise a notch in happiness levels because <i>you </i>made lemonade and because they know <i>he </i>has the crummiest lawn mower on the block. After accepting your generous libation, your grateful neighbor will cut your grass beyond <i>his </i>property line just 'cuz he's feeling generous and that makes you feel valued enough to give him a bunch of rutabagas from your garden. Pretty soon you have a mutual admiration society because neither of you has a personality disorder. People without personality disorders are able to give and take with ease. They are able to trust, to cooperate, to admire without envy, to care, to be concerned, to be affectionate. What they say is how they behave; who they say they are is what they do. There won't be a gap between image and actions. You will never be confused by their behavior because if you are, you won't be afraid to ask questions.<br />
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Personality is comprised of traits and habits. Traits are inherited (60% of who you are is inherited at birth). Habits are learned (40%), which means they can be <i>unlearned</i>. The more inherited the personality disorder, the less treatable it will be. (Shannon)</blockquote>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/JohnFalterBillsBirdhousesBaja_zps9179992f.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/JohnFalterBillsBirdhousesBaja_zps9179992f.jpg" height="320" width="304" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Birdhouses </i>by John Philip Falter</td></tr>
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<b>Where's the Harmony?</b><br />
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Personality disorders mess up a neighborhood and the sooner you know what you're dealing with, the better off everyone will be---including the person with the personality disorder. Key to distinguishing someone with a personality disorder is <i>disharmony</i>. Drama. The inability to resolve relational conflicts which always come up no matter where you live or how.<br />
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True story. Once upon a time there was a crotchety old woman who lived in a rural neighborhood. Everyone said she was eccentric. Some said she was a recluse which doesn't necessarily equate to a personality disorder. What pegged her behavior as extreme enough to question a personality disorder was her contempt for the law. She would sit by her living room window all afternoon so she could shoot any cat daring walk across the top of her stone wall! Now it's not like she lived in the wilds of Africa where cats are natural predators. These cats were her neighbors pets. To be sure, neighbors were pretty upset and 'Shot Gun Annie' became the center of attention, the topic of every conversation. Most of the neighbors assumed (falsely) that even a woman shooting cats could be cajoled into giving up her bullets <i>if only </i>they presented the right argument. <i>If only </i>they used the right tone. <i>If only</i> they appealed to her better nature or her conscience. They could have saved a lot of time and frustration by relying on The Law to hold her in check, being fully aware that tone and logic hold no sway over people with personality disorders. They wouldn't have wasted time reasoning with her Inner Angel, thus saving a feline or two by calling police.<br />
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Had people understood the proliferation and duration of personality disorders, they would have accepted that number one: Shot Gun Annie's reality was not the same as their reality. Number two: if all the people she had known in her lifetime hadn't livened her conscience, <i>they wouldn't either. </i>They'd give up their halos and admit personality disorders were more powerful than casseroles and kindness. And number three: they would have known it wasn't their fault or their cat's fault because victims are never to blame. These good neighbors had pondered over what they could have done, or must have done, to cause her to shoot their cats. Ummm...she hated cats? Her last name was <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annie_Oakley"><span style="color: #e06666;">Oakley</span></a>? That her neighbors loved their pets mattered not in her reality. She didn't care. Her needs superseded everyone else's needs and after decades of reinforced patterns of thinking and behaving, she never questioned her perceptions. She could justify anything. Even killing pets for sport.<br />
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4% of the general population <i>across cultures</i> has an AntiSocial Personality Disorder (sociopathy/psychopathy) causing 80% of the crimes perpetrated in any culture. For every four men with AsPD, one woman has AsPD. (Shannon)</blockquote>
Neighbors. One in five has a personality disorder and not one of them thinks they're as screwed up as their neighbors believe they are. <br />
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<b>What's the point of talking about personality disorders and neighborhoods? </b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/JohnPhilipFaltersYoungAstronaut_zps5d236eb8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/JohnPhilipFaltersYoungAstronaut_zps5d236eb8.jpg" height="320" width="294" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Young Astronaut</i> by John Philip Falter</td></tr>
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Lay folk are criticized for using psychological terms, but think about it. OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) is referred to all the time all the time all the time in conversations. We joke about it, applying the diagnosis to ourselves, assuming anyone with a perfectly clipped topiary has a form of it. We talk about the hyper-active kid with ADD who leaps off garages in her underwear. We discuss the <i>anal-retentive </i>fella at the end of the block. Psyche terms are interjected into casual conversation and we don't regulate who can use them and who can't. "Hey! What gives you the right to say Mr. Shorts-in-a-bunch is <i>anal retentive?</i> Where'd you get <i>your </i>psyche degree, huh?"<br />
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I guess we could call Mr. Shorts-in-a-bunch a "tight ass", the non-Freud version of <i>anal retentive</i> and no one would question our authority.</div>
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Applying information about personality disorders to the people who are driving us crazy, <i>is a good thing.</i> Using terms that capture the truth of a thing is healthy. Language is how people integrate knowledge in order to make sense of their lives. When people are unable to resolve conflicts no matter what they do, try or say, understanding personality disorders will preserve their sanity. Besides, isn't it kinder to say Fred is kinda histrionic, rather than calling him a <i>weirdo</i>? The thing is, people are going to label behaviors they don't understand, regardless.<br />
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You might argue there's a stigma associated with personality disorders and yes, that concerns me too. I'm also concerned about the stigma of labels offering no insight, no compassion, no solutions. Call someone a "weirdo" and people stop thinking. Stop trying to understand. Their judgement is set in concrete; understanding is bypassed. Psyche information changes stereotypes and pejoratives, shedding light on difficult personalities and the relational problems associated with difficult personalities. We'll know our limits; we'll know theirs. We won't expect what they can't give. We can adjust our behavior to facilitate a reasonable relationship. Probably not the kind of relationship we'd like to have with a neighbor, but at least we aren't escalating the problems. I don't know what to do with a <i>weirdo</i>. I have reasonable skills for coping with a neighbor's narcissistic personality. </div>
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Blessed be our non-territorial psychologists who are dedicated to educating the public. Here's to the inroads psychologists have made in defining <i>and </i>describing personality disorders in a manner that makes sense to everyday people. In a manner that improves the harmony in everyday neighborhoods. When people shame me for using psyche terms, I give them the little speech you just read in the last paragraph and ask them to please stop being Cluster B with me. ;-P<br />
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<b>My rule of thumb:</b> <i>extreme reactions</i> and <i>hostile behaviors</i> beyond expectations and allowances considered normal in a specific culture, point to a personality disorder. <i>Blaming</i>, <i>entitlement</i>, s<i>ocial disruption</i> and <i>antagonism</i> are signs to watch for along with <i>malicious gossiping</i>.<br />
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Grass clippings dumped in my trash aren't a serious issue the first time it happens. Giving people the benefit of our doubt <i>is not a pathological trait</i> but that doesn't mean letting things slide. For all we know, their thirteen year old did it. Or their gardener. We can learn to confront problems like this without being confrontational. If my boundaries still aren't respected after a friendly conversation, I rely on the Homeowner's Association to enforce the rules and regulations governing our neighborhood. What I do not do anymore is cajole, plead, please, ignore, give gifts to, educate, explain, argue with, cook for, beg, or otherwise pretend "the problem" isn't happening. My life is much better and I believe everyone else's can be, too.<br />
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As proposed by Dr. Joseph Shannon in the video linked below: </div>
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<b>Six Signs Your Neighbor Has a Personality Disorder</b></div>
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<b>1-Rigid.</b> They may realize they don't adapt but can't translate their insight into meaningful change.<br />
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<b>2-Repetition.</b> They have a tendency to make the same mistakes repeatedly such as: successive relationships; repeatedly abusing credit; the inability to learn from their mistakes.<br />
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<b>3-Unstable.</b> They may experience periods of stability but suffer <i>emotional instability.</i><br />
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<b>4-Clueless.</b> They don't understand they are sick. They don't understand how their 'sickness' affects other people. Some people with personality disorders <i>are </i>aware of the impact they have on others but they don't care.<br />
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<b>5-High Conflict.</b> When confronted with a problem, people with personality disorders create drama, not problem-solving. They cast themselves in one of three roles: victim, rescuer, villain-maverick-rebel.<br />
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<b>6-Lacks self-awareness.</b> Everyone in the family is on psychotropic medication except for the personality disordered person. In effect, people are held hostage.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="309" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/XHIBw6tQvU0?list=PLFFolrm4wUP2UIWnaMn3cm0z20NPUJwkh" width="550"></iframe><br />
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"Dr. Joseph W. Shannon has over 30 years of successful clinical experience as a psychologist, consultant and trainer. An expert in understanding and treating a broad range of mental disorders, Dr. Shannon has appeared on several television programs including the CBS "Morning Show" and "PBS: Viewpoint." <a href="https://www.regonline.com/builder/site/Default.aspx?EventID=1121695"><span style="color: #e06666;">Link</span></a></blockquote>
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Have an <i>Extreme Neighbor</i> story to tell? Please do! </div>
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Hugs,</div>
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CZ</div>
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<b>Resources</b><br />
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<a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2044500/?tool=pubmed"><span style="color: #e06666;">DSM-IV personality disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication</span></a> "The estimated point prevalence of any PD in these studies was in the range 9.0-15.7%."</div>
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Stinson, et al. 2009<span style="color: #e06666;"> <a href="http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2669224/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Prevalence, Correlates, Disability, and Comorbidity of DSM-IV Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Results from the Wave 2 National Epidemiologic Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions</span></a></span> "Prevalence of lifetime NPD was 6.2%, with rates greater for men (7.7%) than for women (4.8%)."</div>
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder"><span style="color: #e06666;">Wikipedia Page on Personality Disorders</span></a> </span>a <i>great </i>overview and history of personality disorders </div>
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Huff, Charlotte. <a href="http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar04/awry.aspx"><span style="color: #e06666;">Where Personality Goes Awry</span></a>. 2004. American Psychological Association.</div>
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<b>Note</b>: Measurements vary on the prevalence of Personality Disorders in the US population. The exact statistic is unknown, though statistics as high as 20% have been reported by practicing clinicians. A quick search brings up contradictory numbers due to the complexity of diagnosis and the fact that personality disorders are often considered to be untreatable. (not true anymore) Instead of diagnosing someone with a personality disorder, clinicians treat accompanying mental problems; i.e.: substance abuse, anxiety and mood disorders; impulse control; ptsd. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>"Examination of a Blogger"</i> (jest kiddin')</td></tr>
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Please stop calling people narcissists because you're insulted or because you don't like them or they don't like you. Please stop calling people narcissists because their criticism makes you crazy like a pepper mill. Please stop setting up tribunals to condemn the minutest flaw in someone's character. "See that spot on her back? It's the toxic mark of Satan! Run Run! She's unsafe for human company!" A little reminder: when a witch hunt is being organized, your silence is an act of complicity; and, your <i>enthusiastic</i> participation may get your name dropped from my Christmas list. Just in case readers wonder how deep my niceness really goes, I don't exchange gifts with people who send emails like these:<br />
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<i style="text-align: start;">"I know I am not the first to point out these things, so I pray you are not a narcissist CZ (although I believe you are and God agrees with me)."</i><span style="text-align: start;"> </span></blockquote>
Please stop calling people narcissists because you trust your gut feelings beyond every attempt to reason with you; beyond facts; beyond rationality. </div>
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<i style="text-align: start;">"It walked like a duck. It talked like a duck. I called it a duck and you're a duck! I sensed the truth in my gut and sure enough, you quacked!" </i></blockquote>
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Please stop calling people narcissists because you had gawd-awful parents.<br />
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<i>"You remind me of my mother! This is no projection, it is a matter of fact! My mother made herself the center of all communication. Woweee, what a powerful position you are in!"</i></blockquote>
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Please stop calling people narcissists because they read your story-without-paragraph-breaks-and-in-all-caps, offering a story to comfort and end your isolation.<br />
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<i>"I counted the "I's" in your reply and it proves you are a wolf in sheep's clothing! Even if you fool other people. You. Don't. Fool. ME!"</i></blockquote>
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Please stop calling group leaders narcissists because you didn't get your way.<br />
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<i>"Have you ever allowed the thought that you are using people? You make the final decisions. You decide who's right and wrong. Do whatever you want from here-on-out without MY contributions. You are the ruler after all."</i></blockquote>
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Just please stop calling people narcissists when you haven't cared enough to get to know them. Your disinterest in their life undermines the validity of your diagnosis. And:<br />
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Please stop calling people narcissists to hurt them. Or because you disagree with them. Or because calling people names makes you feel better. Please stop calling people narcissists when the only hostile person <i>is yourself.</i><br />
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Please stop calling people narcissists to prove you aren't. But most of all, please stop calling people narcissists to trash them.<br />
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<b>Stigmatizing Narcissism</b><br />
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I've encouraged people to learn about narcissistic traits. I have argued that narcissism is not an accusation; it's a description allowing us to understand the human personality, to better manage our reactions to narcissistic personalities. I have pushed people to open their minds to psychological explanations rather than using pejoratives like lazy, stupid, crazy, evil and worthless. In my view, NPD is less stigmatizing than calling someone <i>evil </i>because we don't understand ego defenses and clamor for exorcisms, even in 2014. I have lobbied for access to psychological information, reducing the inevitable harm of human ignorance in the belief education would lead to healthier lives. I think all these things <i>are </i>happening to the majority of people affected by someone with a narcissistic personality. However, as is always the case when discussing mental health, people stigmatize "narcissist" as if it were ammunition for their verbal abuse arsenal. They use "narcissist" like a bullet aimed at the hearts of their perceived critics, never recognizing their outrageous hostility is the reddest flag in the room.<br />
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When there's a disagreement online, instead of discussing and resolving issues, all someone has to do is point their finger and say, "She's a narcissist!" Surely, I'm not the only person to have received emails from concerned readers who have been told via private emails and chat rooms, that I am a narcissist. Surely some of you have dealt with this allegation by people who want to destroy your reputation. You tick them off for some GodOnlyKnowsWhy reason, and instead of giving you the benefit of the doubt or even trying to work things out, they decide you're a narcissist.<br />
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This story took place about a decade ago. I had been corresponding with a woman who was suffering ptsd, spending a great deal of time writing to her. One of our mutual online acquaintances told her she should not trust me because people-in-the-know had determined me to be a psychopath. She cut off contact immediately. She considered moving because she'd given me her address. All the accuser had to do was send an email creating doubt in people's minds. Defending myself by stating, "I am NOT a narcissist" seemed ridiculous because that's the first thing a narcissist would do <i>only more convincingly.</i> I considered uploading a certificate of mental health to my website but realized people would accuse me of ordering it from a diploma mill. ha! My only option, or so it seemed, was learning to live with the rumors, responding kindly when people inquired about my mental health. "How come you were so mean to so-and-so?" they'd ask. And I'd write back, "Why do you believe everything you read?" And they'd say, "Are you calling me gullible?" And I'd reply, "Kinda." And they'd say, "I will never read your blog or join your forum because I go NO CONTACT with NARCISSISTS!" And then I'd consider posting the entire chain of emails so people could see how inane and ridiculous people can be and then the next day, I'd come to my senses and do nothing. Doing nothing seems to be the only way to stop accusations from getting worse. So far, at least to my knowledge, no one has ever accused me of being a serial killer. But hey, there's always tomorrow!<br />
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Cyberbullying?<br />
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Getting revenge for perceived insults and/or criticism by calling someone "a narcissist" could be considered a form of cyberbullying, I think. If the intent is to harm, intimidate and threaten an individual's reputation, it is cyberbulling even if the receiver isn't personally offended by the accusation. Being told I'm a narcissist is not upsetting to me because first of all, I don't meet five of nine criteria in the DSM and my <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2009/03/take-narcissistic-personality-inventory.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">Narcissistic Personality Inventory</span> </a>score is below the national average for Americans. But even if it IS grandiose for me to blog about narcissism, there are two key factors preventing me from being dangerous: my EE quotient. Exploitative and Entitled I am not. So you are safe, dear readers...you may find my long essays tedious but I won't charge you to read them. And I don't expect you to read them, either. Entitlement is something I need more of, not less.<br />
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And the other thing I realized when ruminating on being called "a narcissist" is that not everyone has tolerance for name-calling. Some good-hearted folks leave the Internet completely. This kind of poop happens all the time online. For example: if we're the type of person who listens and supports people, our good deeds will be undermined with accusations of <i>covert narcissism.</i> If we're smart, we're called <i>cerebral narcissists</i>. If we're good-lookin', surely we're <i>somatic</i>. If we sell products on our blogs, we're <i>grandiose narcissists </i>and if we don't, we're <i>closet narcissists</i>. Here is the thing, though. People have always used labels to diminish the sting, value and caliber of other people whose lives and opinions differed from their own. In more religious times, people accused one another of being <i>evil</i>. In the workplace, co-worker's achievements are reduced to that of <i>brown nosers. </i>People with academic accomplishments are alleged to be <i>cheaters</i>. There's always a way to make ourselves feel better about someone else's success. In our therapeutic society, "You're a Narcissist!" is how we maintain our status by diminishing others.<br />
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<b>Why It's soooo DUMB To Call Me A Narcissist</b></div>
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I live a complex life requiring social and emotional intelligence, equanimity and empathy 24/7. It's ludicrous to call me "a narcissist." If I can be called "a narcissist" by people familiar with NPD, then we have not done a very good job educating people about the definition of narcissism. I figure if anyone can talk about this subject, it's a woman who is all about community, all about serving others, all about laying claim to her personal flaws and weaknesses of which there are many but not enough to satisfy DSM criteria. And I also trust that anyone who knows me will not be persuaded by allegations that I'm a <i>wolf in sheep's clothing</i>, so I'm not afraid to talk about this topic. Other people might not be as immune to name-calling and I hope to speak for all the people writing about narcissistic relationships and being subjected to anonymous accusations. Since I'm obviously not a narcissist<i>,</i> what does it mean when someone accuses me of being "a narcissist?" </div>
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1-they have a superficial understanding of narcissism<br />
2-they want to level the relationship by reducing my authority<br />
3-they're projecting; seeing their narcissism in me<br />
4-they WANT to hurt me, to bully and intimidate me<br />
5-they are <i>highly defensive</i>--protecting their ego<br />
6-they are verbally abusive, using narcissism as a N-word<br />
7-they're splitting (ego defense): "I'm not a narcissist, you are!"<br />
8-they want to strip my dignity and integrity<br />
9-they want to justify hostility without questioning or examining themselves<br />
<span style="text-align: start;">10-they want the last word, a parting shot before leaving. Bang. You're Out.</span><span style="text-align: center;"> </span></blockquote>
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<b>We've all done it. Sort of. </b></div>
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At first, I assumed "You're a Narcissist!" was reserved for message boards because anxiety and uncertainty are naturally elevated when reading people's stories. And it's easy to impute criticism in someone's reply when you've been hurt, when you're suffering. In healing communities, there has to be allowance for our "temporary insanity" and every group relies on good will to keep people communicating freely. What I'm saying is that no one escapes being batshitcrazy AT LEAST once or twice under pressure, even more so during crises. After lashing out at someone who <i>in retrospect </i>didn't deserve the brunt of our anger, most people admit to being wrong and apologize. Profusely. This Is Growth. This Is Healing. Remorse is humbling if our egos are strong enough to bear the shame of our imperfection and admit we can be jerks. We can also be angels, don't forget. A full-and-rich life means committing ourselves to growing more feathers than defenses by the time St. Peter takes full measure of our lives.<br />
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Why People "Lash Out"<br />
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Sudden online aggression <i>out of context to the situation</i> may suggest our inner six-year-old's been typing on the keyboard without any adult supervision. Her rude comments are undeniable when the insults are attached to our screen name. YIKES. Usually after a good night's rest, our adult senses are restored and we can take responsibility for lashing out. We Step Up. (denial isn't completely out of the realm of possibilities though because truth can always be perverted to protect a fragile ego). Recovery entails plenty of "I'm sorry's!" and even more "I understand's!" and a healthy enough self to bear the brunt of our thoughtless crimes. If you are guilty of calling people narcissists because they didn't agree with your point of view, now would be a good time to stop that nonsense and get on with some serious healing.<br />
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I think people idealize healing for the most part, not comprehending the fears <i>that must be faced, </i>the losses <i>that must be accepted,</i> the devastating grief of the unloved child, the rejected lover, the discarded spouse. Healing our <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_rage_and_narcissistic_injury"><span style="color: #e06666;">narcissistic injuries</span></a> may overwhelm the faint of heart, the idealistic, the fragile; and I want people to know that even after being <i>told off</i> many times, I sympathize with my critics. Please don't hear me saying I LURVE my critics, or forgive their ongoing efforts to discredit me, but I understand <i>why</i> they do what they do. The ghost of the unloved child hovers close to the adult like a greedy specter, too jaded to trust, too tough to be a sucker; always looking for a motive, always looking for the betrayal that's sure to come. Ever-poised to lash out if people get too close. It appears the worst thing people can think of to keep their defenses in tact and others at bay is, "You're a Narcissist."<br />
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Some accusers defend themselves from shame by projecting their painful feelings. Recipients unwittingly react to their allegations as if there's validity to their claims. There isn't. The truth is that some people have an extremely vulnerable self and any perceived criticism--no matter how slight or unintended--will trigger their <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2014/01/21-signs-of-online-destructive.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">hostility</span></a></span>, what psychologists describe as <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_rage_and_narcissistic_injury"><span style="color: #e06666;">narcissistic rage</span></a>.</span> Once their wrath has been externalized, their deepest suspicions about themselves are secreted from self-awareness through primitive ego defenses. Now this view might lead readers to believe I'm tit for tatting. In other words, someone calls me a narcissist and I outmaneuver them with psychological explanations about <i>their </i>narcissism. However, people don't always call someone a narcissist because they're unconsciously protecting a fragile ego. Sometimes they do it on purpose. <span style="text-align: center;"> </span><br />
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<b style="text-align: center;">Stigmatizing Mental Illness & Mental Disorders</b><br />
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Calling someone "a narcissist" is intended to demean that person's relevance but only if "You're a narcissist!" is considered to be an insult. My goal is and has always been <i>understanding</i>, not demonizing people with labels. People who stigmatize mental illness may have higher degrees of narcissistic traits than the people they accuse of being narcissists. (<span style="text-align: start;">Arikan)</span> That seems a reasonable explanation to me, having put my best efforts into negotiating a truce after people called me "a narcissist". Having narcissistic traits doesn't imply mutual good will, nor do narcissistic traits suggest self-awareness and accountability which is why people like myself refrain from confronting people who call us narcissists. We ignore their hostility because we're cautious about escalating the drama, the ante being upped to unfathomable proportions and I'm sure most bloggers have horrifying examples they'd rather not remember. As a result of our experiences with people who were unwilling to examine themselves <i>or check their aggression,</i> hostile people get away with bullying.<br />
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Name-calling proliferates on the web because we can't defend ourselves from anonymous critics. There aren't any brakes on aggression if someone believes we disrespected them. If we write anything even remotely offensive or critical, they attack <i>no holds barred</i>. (For as callous as these folks are to someone else's pain, they are exquisitely sensitive to the mere tone of criticism towards themselves.)<br />
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When disagreements occur <i>as they always will in every relationship,</i> our attempts to reconcile will be twisted into distortions of truth, re-written history, blatant lies. It's like digging your own grave, trying to explain what you meant when someone was looking for insult, reading between the lines of your apology to find what they needed to fuel their anger. We eventually stop <i>justifying, arguing, defending and explaining</i> ourselves because it is a waste of time that only amplifies their hostility. What's the point? We realize that person cannot hear us because s/he is consumed with an archaic rage that has nothing to do with us or present time. We know someone is battling old demons when their reactions are out of proportion to the situation at hand. And that is why the most frequent advice is doing nothing. But it gets old, doing nothing.<br />
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A recent email calling me a narcissist was simply the last straw and I thought this subject could use a good discussion, a good airing. Has anyone called you a narcissist because you blog about narcissism? And if so, what did you do? Successes and failures welcomed!<br />
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Hugs all,<br />
CZ<br />
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<b>Resources</b><br />
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<span style="text-align: center;">*The first painting is actually titled, </span><i style="text-align: center;">Examination of a Witch</i><span style="text-align: center;"> by Thompkins H. Matteson, 1833</span></div>
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Arikan, Kemal. 2005 "A Stigmatizing Attitude Towards Psychiatric Illnesses is Associated with Narcissistic Personality Traits". <i>Israel Journal of Psychiatry & Related Sciences</i> Vol 42 No. 4 (248-250)<br />
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Davey, Graham. 2013 <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/why-we-worry/201308/mental-health-stigma"><span style="color: #e06666;">"Mental Health and Stigma."</span></a> <i>PsychologyToday</i><br />
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Seltzer, Leon. 2011 <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201110/the-narcissists-dilemma-they-can-dish-it-out"><span style="color: #e06666;">"The Narcissist's Dilemma. They can Dish It Out But..."</span></a> <i>PsychologyToday</i><br />
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A few readers have requested my opinion and even though it's useful examining Elliot's narcissism, I still feel ambivalent writing about a young man who suffered emotional pain, inflicting even more pain on other people and that includes his family. That Elliot Rodger's narcissism spiraled outwards is quintessential.<br />
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<i>Nobody suffers the hell of pathological narcissism more than other people.</i><br />
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<b>As a writer about narcissism</b>, my views are filtered through a narcissism lens. Let me be clear on my focus: pathological narcissism is the root of Elliot's self-hatred and externalized aggression, normalized by a misogynistic culture. If readers are offended by that statement, now would be a good time to open your mind to a woman's point of view in a blog <s>room</s> of her own, or visit other sites if you can't. Elliot's story also points to broader issues such as: mental illness and violence, autism, divorce culture, parenting, feminism, masculinity, materialism, the <i>manosphere</i>, a therapeutic mentality, and sexual entitlement. Most people are triggered by one or all of these topics so please consider my comments to be interpretive, not specific to Elliot Rodger or his family per se.<br />
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<b>As a second-wave </b><b>feminist,</b> no <span style="color: #e06666;"><i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mansplaining"><span style="color: #e06666;">mansplaining</span></a><u> </u></i></span>please. The patriarchal view of life is no news to me having grown up in the 1950's. I don't like this new version of the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men's_rights_movement"><span style="color: #e06666;">Men's Rights Movement</span></a> claiming to be victimized by <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second-wave_feminism"><span style="color: #e06666;">feminists</span> </a>who won the war of the sexes. Ten minutes of television suggests the prize feminist mothers "won", was her daughter's right to <i>volunteer </i>for exploitation. "Look honey! Now you can CHOOSE to be a sex worker!" People call it agency. I call it manipulation, appropriation, and hopefully: learning-from-our-mistakes. Our sons didn't learn to value women as their equals, either. They became even more entitled to get sex as his <i>right </i>and her <i>liberated</i> obligation. The resultant porn culture in which our children have been raised, has impacted their beliefs about sexuality and if we consider the influence of a narcissistic media, it's little wonder Elliot Rodger felt denied. Media pummels kids with a barrage of images based on narcissistic fantasy, not reality and who needs grounding more than teenagers? Contrived sexual imagery (with an agenda to make $$) magnifies their uncertainty into perceived rejection if kids aren't "doing it" like their idealized <s>role models</s> porn stars.<br />
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That Elliot was humiliated by his virginity is a sign of our times: losing self-esteem rather than gaining self-respect. That Elliot was humiliated <i>by other men </i>because he didn't have a "hot blonde" in his possession, speaks to the destructive way young men are being socialized. De-evolution, <i>ugh! </i><br />
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And just so everyone knows: I do not have credentials as a psychologist or as a feminist even though defining myself as psychologically savvy and feminist. Feminist theory gave language to my life as a female; real-time experience reinforced lessons about male privilege-and-entitlement when my relatively stable and prosperous marriage ended in divorce. People never asked, "What's wrong with your husband that he'd leave you for another woman?" The inference being that he was only leaving his wife, not his family (how nutz is that rationalization?). And an older woman is, well...understandably replaceable and therefore at fault for getting old. <i>ugh! </i><br />
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<b>As a relentless nurturer</b>, I have co-parented my nephew for eighteen years. He has been officially diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) defines Aspergers as high-functioning autism. We have been involved in the autism community, meeting families who also rally around their child providing the extensive stability and support these children need in order to function in society. Aspergers is a mental disorder requiring collaboration between psychologists, psychiatrists, educators, therapists and family members. People with Aspergers learn to manage feelings, thinking, and behavior that <i>if left unchecked</i>, can result in clinical depression and suicide. I believe (until convinced otherwise) that narcissistic disorders can co-exist (even flourish) if parents don't know what to look for, or how to direct a child from self-preoccupation to healthy <i>engagement with,</i> and <i>consideration for,</i> others. I think it's reasonable to say that a child may start his life with Aspergers and develop pathological narcissism because of the difficulties they face fitting in to society. It takes a tribe to raise a child with Aspergers and we are failing as a society.<br />
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If parents are not their children's mirrors, someone else will be. God help us if a young man "finds himself" in the <i>manosphere</i>.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Hieronymous Bosche</span></td></tr>
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<b>Was Elliot Rodger A Narcissist? </b></div>
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I won't dwell on Aspergers as it differentiates from narcissism because: 1) I'm not qualified to do that and; 2) I believe autism and narcissism can co-exist. Since it's obvious Elliot was narcissistic, I'll add to that discussion by focusing on descriptions of <i>pathological narcissism</i> countering popular notions of narcissism as <i>braggadocio</i>.<br />
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The concept of narcissism most generally understood describes a person who is obnoxious and arrogant, stubborn, prideful, snootily superior, manipulative, materialistic, self-centered, shallow, lacks empathy, and a leader. Narcissists can be dauntless leaders pushing agendas and maximizing investments, inspiring people to rally behind them. Their narcissism is considered to be <i>normal </i>or perhaps: <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2013/11/narcissism-key-from-healthy-to.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">extraordinary narcissism</span></a>. People within normal ranges of narcissism have high self-esteem. That means the esteem they have for themselves is not subject to extreme fluctuations. They are not excessively reliant on other people's validation and praise. They have a stable sense of self that's resilient to rejection and failure. This is a fair assessment of normal narcissism and it is not difficult spotting narcissism in Elliot's videos and written man-ifesto. However, concluding Elliot was <i>a narcissist</i> camouflages the destructiveness of his <i>pathological</i> <i>narcissism</i>. This is the mistake parents make (therapists, too) dismissing a young man's braggadocio as temporary, nothing to worry about, a phase he'll grow out of (and if not, his partner will be expected to accommodate his narcissism. <i>ugh!</i>)<br />
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destructive narcissism----pathological narcissism----malignant narcissism</div>
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<i>Pathological narcissists</i> replicate a normal narcissist's confidence, but their self-esteem degrades to self-derogation in the face of failure and rejection. They're up, they're down, their moods becoming even more extreme as they age. Their envy is crippling; their revenge <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_for_an_eye"><span style="color: #e06666;">talionic</span></a>. Their grandiose hyper-valued self cannot be sustained---life being an uncompromising grind against hubris. If narcissistic defenses break down, they become clinically depressed and suicidal. This runs opposite to what most people believe about narcissists who love themselves too much to check out early. That may be true for <i>a narcissist</i> but it's untrue for <i>pathological narcissists</i>. If they are suicidal, they aren't contemplating suicide as an escape from unbearable pain. Oh NO! In their minds, suicide is a glorious triumph because they are in complete control. As Kenneth Levy writes: "Malignant narcissists are at high risk for suicide because such behavior represents sadistic control over others, a dismissal of a denigrated world, or a display of mastery over death."<br />
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<b>Why didn't Elliot's parents know he was <i>t-h-a-t</i> SICK?</b></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>The Garden of Earthly Delights</i> by Hieronymus Bosche</span></td></tr>
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I've read criticism of Elliot's parents and it breaks my heart because honestly folks, parents see what their children want them to see. Pathological narcissists are secretive, hiding their self-loathing, contempt, obsession with injustice and revenge. They may leak out little bits-and-pieces and when people are shocked by their vitriol, that's it. No more leaks. Besides, parents won't see pathological narcissism if they don't know what to look for, just like Elliot <span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/california-killings-elliot-rodger-was-described-as-polite-and-courteous-during-welfare-check-by-police-9432530.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">fooled the police</span></a>. </span>The police visited, they talked with him, they reported no<span style="color: #e06666;"> </span>cause for alarm. Elliot was "polite and courteous," police said. I cannot condemn anyone in Elliot's life for being fooled by his courteous demeanor. Narcissists are masters of disguise. It isn't so much <i>our </i>denial or unwillingness to see the truth, as their brilliance at image management. If you've never met Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, watch the movie. Horror film meet reality show.<br />
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<span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=50806&cn=8"><span style="color: #e06666;">Dr. Allen Schwartz writes</span></a>,</span> "[pathological narcissism] causes people to misunderstand what is really going on with the individual. For example, some one like this will seem to be arrogant and filled with self-confidence. However, just beneath this shallow surface lies a person who feels a deep sense of shame and humiliation and low self-esteem. That is why they are so easily hurt in the face of criticism."</blockquote>
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Pathological narcissists believe they are entitled to whatever they want, exploiting people with Machiavellian ease. Eventually people catch on and sure enough, nobody wants to spend time with them! Narcissist's callousness coupled with arrogance tends to tip people off eventually, a rejection pathological narcissists are sure to avenge. You'd think losing one relationship after another would be enough for them to see that they're the problem, not other people. But an important aspect of pathological narcissism is the <i>impaired ability to self-reflect</i>, to introspect. Most of us reflect on our behavior and self-correct when we hurt someone's feelings, even inadvertently. So I ask myself how someone could plot his little brother's murder without realizing his thinking was aberrant, <i>was crazy?</i> How could he be aware of his destructive envy, yet be okay with destroying the objects of his envy? Where's the moment of clarity inspiring him to ask for help lest he do something he'll regret? The answer is: he had nothing to regret.<br />
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<i>Pathological narcissism</i> fuels hostility and revenge without recognizing such hatred as cause for alarm. The assumption that all people have the gift of conscience and all people self-reflect and self-correct <i>is false</i>. While you and I might feel like a heel videoing our best friend 'cuz she eats with her mouth open, pathological narcissists are perfectly comfortable uploading the video on YouTube. The psychological explanation for their sadism is that they are <a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2008/09/ego-dystonic-and-ego-syntonic.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">ego-syntonic</span></a>, meaning: comfortable with their thoughts, actions and feelings. Murdering a sibling? No cause for alarm! He deserves it! Any punishment can be justified when a marginally developed conscience is unable to hold aggression in check. The injustice (real or not!) grows and grows until they believe they're defending themselves from further insult and then they can open the hate floodgates. Hate is there. Scapegoats are discovered. Or in light of misogyny: <i>learned</i>.<br />
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Pathological narcissists cannot process emotions like shame and humiliation so imagine what happens when men "shame" other men. They cannot work through their emotions as normal people do. The solution to feeling good about themselves again is evacuation. They evacuate their shame and humiliation onto others and women become the scapegoat because society is groomed to blame her for whatever he must do to to be accepted as a man.<i> It's the system, folks. ugh!</i><br />
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"In response to severe humiliation, criticism and defeat, people with NPD may react self-destructively with a controlled and calculated intention to kill themselves…narcissists feel they deserve admiring attention because they consider themselves superior or exceptional." Dr. Elsa Ronningstam</blockquote>
Maditation<br />
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A pathological narcissist can sit in isolation for hours on end, nursing resentments until he's fully justified in taking revenge without remorse. Pathological narcissists may say they are introspecting (as Elliot wrote) but they are more likely ruminating on issues of social rank and antagonism. (Dimaggio) I've pondered their <i>love of loathing,</i> wondering why someone would feed their anger until it billowed into noxious fumes. Is rumination a way to feel powerful, turning anger into hate? Meditating for days, as Elliot claimed in his man-ifesto, might be grandiose seclusion within the confines of a disturbed mind, unperturbed by interruption or <i>contradiction</i>. Yet they lie about what's really going on inside their heads, purporting meditation to be introspection. Or spiritual transcendence. Note to all: spiritual meditation does not involve harming people, places and things. When someone is pondering destruction, it's not meditation, it's maditation and should come with warnings for people who aren't fully grounded in reality.<br />
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These behaviors indicate <i>pathological narcissism</i>:<br />
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Disdain for communal values with high value placed on agency (independence)<br />
Rejects dependency (eliminates relationships)<br />
Views others as inept, incompetent, and hostile: inferior<br />
Severe exploitation and possible criminality<br />
Reacts aggressively to limits (devalue and resents social agreements)<br />
Lacks normal inhibitions in the pursuit of power<br />
Devalues and exploits without remorse<br />
Excessive rage and hostility<br />
Lacks values; lacks conscience; unable to forgive<br />
Lack of engagement in life (withdraws; depression; alienation)<br />
Feelings of emptiness; Lack of vitality<br />
Unrealistic sense of grandeur (incommensurate to capabilities)<br />
Shame, guilt and envy (dehumanizing "the other")<br />
Sexual pathology (total inhibition or chaotic sex life)<br />
Fantasies, magical thinking, unrealistic expectations ("The Secret"; the lottery)<br />
Undeveloped sense of self; identity diffusion; impaired sense of self<br />
Splits reality into polar opposites (evil/good; right/wrong; winner/loser; ideal/worthless)</blockquote>
Elliot Rodger's deep dive into madness has ignited public attention and I don't believe people are writing about him to push their favorite agendas. We want to know "why" someone who appeared to have the lifestyle most people only dream about, could even on a minuscule level believe he was unduly done by. Could believe that life for poor Elliot Rodger, was unfair. Hollywood, movies, red carpet events, fancy cars, champagne, naked stepmothers---how much more could a kid hope for? I've read numerous comments looking for reasons why Elliot was bizarrely envious. Why this kid was so damn crazy. I think the average person understands that horrendous childhoods, poverty, and abuse can overwhelm any one of us, but there's nothing NOTHING about Elliot's life that suggests an extreme environment or deprivation.<br />
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I think that's why people are picking their favorite reason and trying too hard to place blame on someone, on something. Just please someone find a reason so parents can sleep at night! If Elliot Rodger could be madder than a hatter when his life was better than most people's, doesn't that make us nervous about our own children? Our kids are exposed to the same influences pushing Elliot over the edge. Our kids come from divorced homes, struggle fitting into blended families, play video games more than they should, watch Game of Thrones when they shouldn't, see porn at least once before parents wise-up and clamp down on Family Controls. Our kids are marketed to by soulless advertisers promoting immediate gratification, grooming our children to be empty shells for perpetual consumerism. If our kids are exposed to the same influences as Elliot Rodger in a corporate market branding kids from the age of two, what hope have we that their lives will be meaningfully enriched by loving relationships? I think <i>that's </i>why Elliot's story is so compelling---<i>there but for the grace of God go we. </i>And frankly, I haven't been on God's shortlist of BFFs lately.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>The Garden of Earthly Delights</i> by Hieronymus Bosche</span></td></tr>
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<b style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><br /></span></b>
<b style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #e06666;"><a href="http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/intelligence-report/browse-all-issues/2012/spring/misogyny-the-sites"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Manosphere</span></a> </span></b><br />
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<i>"The so-called “manosphere” is peopled with hundreds of websites, blogs and forums dedicated to savaging feminists in particular and women, very typically American women, in general. Although some of the sites make an attempt at civility and try to back their arguments with facts, they are almost all thick with misogynistic attacks that can be astounding for the guttural hatred they express." </i>~Southern Poverty Law Center<br />
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If someone is not crippled by narcissism (which can be nursed into violence and revenge), they may be able to navigate alpha beta hierarchies without losing their grounding in reality and validating their hate. If pathological narcissism is part of their psychic soup, well...let's let Elliot speak for himself:<br />
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"The Spring of 2013 was also the time when I came across the website PUAHate.com. It is a forum full of men who are starved of sex, just like me. Many of them have their own theories of what women are attracted to, and many of them share my hatred of women, though unlike me they would be too cowardly to act on it." ~<i><a href="http://abclocal.go.com/three/kabc/kabc/My-Twisted-World.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">Elliot's Manifesto</span></a>, page 117</i><br />
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A narcissistic culture teaches men to exploit people without shame, guilt or remorse. It teaches people to silence their conscience, curb their empathy, dumb down their humanity. I had read about Pick Up Artist (PUA) sites several years ago when people were setting up cottage industries on the web. They called their tips and tactics: The Game. Some men have told me what they learned actually helped because they didn't know how to talk to a woman much less forge a relationship. Most of the PUA sites are not about relationship, though. They've all about getting sex, the sociopathic ends justifying the exploitative means. It's Game. Make no mistake, <i>game</i> may sound normal but it<i> </i>describes the narcissist's ludic love style (Campbell). <i>Game </i>is the narcissist's playground and a young man can't immerse himself in this kind of objectification without denying both her humanity and his own.<br />
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Our social world is complex and as a very general rule, women are more adept at managing the nuances and subtleties of relationship. It is not hard for me to understand why young men would be drawn into a dichotomous group pitting women against men as dominant or submissive. Simplifying relationships as either/or <i>is comforting</i> when someone lacks the ability to navigate complexity. It's just too sad that older men have not matured and are still involved in Social Skills 101, advising young men who might be unduly influenced by the troublesome misogyny in the <i>manosphere</i>.<br />
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Before ending my rambling thoughts, I wanted to say something about the <i>manosphere </i>because I think it has bearing on Elliot's descent to madness. If my nephew were frequenting such sites, I'd cancel the Internet. That's how ruinous <s>masculinists</s> narcissists can be to younger men seeking male validation, male role models, how to be a man. The Internet magnifies everything, fools us into believing there's more approval for a point of view than there actually is and young people lack skills of discernment which hopefully comes with age. I am watchful of my dear nephew's environment for I know autism makes him less wary of manipulation than other kids his age. I believe autism and/or vulnerable narcissism makes a young man <i>MORE vulnerable</i> to social groups because he lacks an appropriate meter for bullshit. <br />
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Elliot Rodger participated in a misogynistic culture reacting to a perceived loss of male status and privilege. In the case of a young man searching for his identity in an environment promoting power-over-women, the <i>manosphere </i>is destructively influential. It validates the worst that is secreted inside a pathological self. Narcissists are needy, even if they pretend to be self-reliant. They have a weak sense of self, their identity is uncertain. People have extraordinary power to influence their behavior when narcissists need their validation.<br />
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“A third type of failure to achieve a mature identity is called <i>identity diffusion</i>, and it is a problem that can plague an individual well into adulthood. These are the young people who have few commitments to any goals or values and who often seem apathetic about taking on any role...The narcissism of these teens is perhaps the most primitive of all---the false Self that masks their lack of development is a deflated one, lacking in the omnipotence and grandiosity that could propel them toward some experience of mastery and definition of Self." ~Sandy Hotchkiss</blockquote>
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Nobody needs validation and praise more than narcissists and if recent studies are correct, our youth are more narcissistic than boomers were when we came of age. (is that possible? ha!) Nobody wants to find their "True self" more than narcissists. It's frightening to think about young men coming of age in the narcissistic <i>manosphere</i>, identifying with self-glorified <i>alpha males</i> my generation referred to as chauvinist pigs. And just like the chauvinist pigs of the sixties and seventies, millennial alphas view women as service providers, too. The only difference is these guys know what they're doing and they do it anyway. We're not talking about ignorance and cultural blindness. We talking about a lack of conscience. Not exactly the kind of community a young man should hang out with if he doesn't know his shit from shinola, which many Asperger folks don't.<br />
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People with Aspergers and even narcissistic kids are prone to interpreting language literally, mistaking hyperbole as fact. Well, the <i>manosphere </i>is so full of gross exaggeration and what I can only pray is expressive hyperbole, that their feverish sweat verily leaks through my monitor. If you're gonna spend more than five minutes in the <i>manosphere</i>, bake an aromatic and heavenly dessert. Cinnamon apple cobbler works well and you don't even have to make it for him, or put on your apron. <br />
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We absolutely must look at the way men are socialized in order to understand Elliot's humiliation not being able to find his place in society. Did the notorious <a href="http://jezebel.com/5906648/the-angry-underground-world-of-failed-pickup-artists"><span style="color: #e06666;">hate groups</span></a> Elliot Rodger participated in cause him to kill six people and himself? No, of course not. But I believe they had an important role in fanning the flames of his resentment, scapegoating women for his hostility, and promoting narcissistic, even glorious revenge. If Elliot couldn't be a stud, at least he could be a bad-ass. That is the <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=masculinist"><span style="color: #e06666;">masculinist</span> </a>approach to being "a man." (Nerdlove)<br />
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<i>Elliot wrote in his man-ifesto: </i>"I wasn't the son I wanted to present to my father. I should be the one with the hot blonde girl, making my father proud. Instead, my father had to watch me suffer in a pathetic position. Life is so cruel to me. When I said my farewell to father before he drove home, I felt absolutely miserable." </blockquote>
In an environment such as the <i>manosphere</i>, rank, entitlement, superiority, aggression, dominance, and anti-intellectualism and exploitation are <i>normalized</i>. With a list of values like that, how do you tell "A Narcissist" from a <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=masculinist"><span style="color: #e06666;">masculinist</span> </a>? Damned if I know. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Hieronymous Bosche</span></td></tr>
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<b>Did Elliot's parents cause his narcissism?</b> </div>
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For all those folks who think Elliot needed a firmer hand and stricter discipline by his parents, Dimaggio writes, "Recent findings in which parenting styles, such as mixtures of overt praise and coldness, lack of supervision, corporal punishment, and authoritarian parenting, predicted future narcissism." </blockquote>
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Dimaggio also wrote about the cause of pathological narcissism, "There is no consensus on the causes of [pathological narcissism], although lack of parental empathy toward a child’s developmental needs may bear some responsibility. Another trigger may be that the child is raised in a family where status and success are of utmost importance and only qualities that lead to sustaining a grandiose self-image are valued, while other behaviors are disregarded or punished. Another possibility is that overt grandiosity is a reaction to slights and humiliation, a sort of armor used to avoid subjugation. Other factors, such as an externalizing personality and the role of culture (the narcissistic society) in paving the way to narcissism, should also be explored." </blockquote>
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Attachment theory aficionados suggest his bond with his mother was weak and that's why he hated women. Others suggest the Hollywood atmosphere led to shallow values and a materialistic focus. One YouTube philosopher zeroed in on the mother and grandmother who must have secretly abused and neglected Eliot, don't ya know. The stepmother has been singled out as a probable culprit since it rarely works well for step-parents to discipline a stepchild <i>too soon</i>. In all these scenarios potentially robbing Elliot of so much self-esteem that he wrapped himself in narcissistic defenses, the one thing that was not brought up was the loss of his family at age seven. From personal experience, I don't know what hurts a child's self-esteem more than being "left behind" for another family. I don't know what messes with a boy's head more than loving the woman his father rejects. Of course, this is purely conjecture because I do not know the particulars of the Rodger divorce. Elliot only mentioned briefly in his man-ifesto that his father had a girlfriend a little too quickly after separating from his mother.<br />
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You can check in with your misogyny level right now, because I know what some of you are thinking: "Something must be wrong with Elliot's mother if his father was so unhappy." <i>ugh!</i><br />
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<b>My last word. Promise. Now I get personal. </b></div>
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Loss of family = Loss of self-esteem</div>
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Divorce divides children between the parent they deem as power<i>ful</i> (his father's ability to attract other partners) and the parent they see as power<i>less</i> (his mother's inability to protect the family and preserve their status). How does a boy feel when the parent providing comfort, safety and security as Elliot mentioned in his man-ifesto, is rejected by his father? Does he hate himself for identifying with her? For loving her? To the outside world, leaving one spouse for another is considered normal and acceptable and aren't we glad we can exercise our authenticity (sarcasm alert) but what effect does this have on psychologically vulnerable children who need even more stability and additional reassurance?<br />
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In a narcissistic culture, parents serve themselves first; children are expected to adapt. Those who can't adapt fast enough become regrettable casualties in the parental pursuit of happiness. It'll take a lot of research to convince me that society has been improved by an unprecedented destruction of family the past decade. That narcissistic parents are shortchanging their children's right to safety, security and stability <i>so they can maximize parental potential,</i> is regrettable of course but it's not a shit-show-stopper for them.<br />
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Elliot Rodger had a mental disorder, maybe even a personality disorder. He was also a misogynist. Read his manifesto. Take a look at the groups he affiliated with. Where Elliot's troubled psyche meets the narcissistic society is the dubious outlet provided for Elliot's internalized hatred and rage. He was trapped inside an emotional maelstrom he could not control or resolve. He was looking for a scapegoat to evacuate his rage and our misogynistic culture provided an easy target.<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/images_zps0b18cae7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://i610.photobucket.com/albums/tt188/CZBZ/Portraits/images_zps0b18cae7.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><i>The Garden of Earthly Delights</i> by Hieronymus Bosche</span></td></tr>
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Elliot wrote: "Women are like a plague that must be quarantined. When I came to this brilliant, perfect revelation, I felt like everything was now clear to me, in a bitter, twisted way. I am one of the few people on this world who has the intelligence to see this. I am like a god, and my purpose is to exact ultimate Retribution on all of the impurities I see in the world. </blockquote>
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"It was only when I first moved to Santa Barbara that I started considering the possibility of having to carry out a violent act of revenge, as the final solution to dealing with all of the injustices I've had to face at the hands of women and society. I came up with a name for this after I saw all of the good looking young couples walking around my college and in the town of Isla Vista. I named it the <i>Day of Retribution</i>. It would be a day in which I exact my ultimate retribution and revenge on all of the hedonistic scum who enjoyed lives of pleasure that they don’t deserve. If I can’t have it, I will destroy it. I will destroy all women because I can never have them. I will make them all suffer for rejecting me. I will arm myself with deadly weapons and wage a war against all women and the men they are attracted to. And I will slaughter them like the animals they are. If they won’t accept me among them, then they are my enemies. They showed me no mercy, and in turn I will show them no mercy. The prospect will be so sweet, and justice will ultimately be served. And of course, I would have to die in the act to avoid going to prison." <i>~Elliot Rodger (pg. 101, 117)</i></blockquote>
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CZBZ<br />
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<b>Resources</b><br />
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Achenreiner, Gwen Bachmann. (2003) "The Meaning of Brand Names to Children: A Developmental Investigation."<i> Journal of Consumer Psychology</i>.</div>
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Baker, Jamie. (2012) <b><a href="http://jezebel.com/5906648/the-angry-underground-world-of-failed-pickup-artists"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Angry Underground World of Failed Pickup Artists</span></a></b> on Jezebel.com<br />
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Campbell, Foster & Finkel. (2002) <b><a href="http://www.sakkyndig.com/psykologi/artvit/campbell2002.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">Does Self-Love Lead to Love for Others? A Story of Narcissistic Game Playing</span></a></b> (pdf)<br />
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Dimaggio, Giancarlo. (2012) <a href="http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/narcissistic-personality-disorder-rethinking-what-we-know" style="color: #e06666; font-weight: bold;">Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Rethinking What We Know</a><b style="color: #e06666;"> </b></div>
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Dr. NerdLove <b><a href="http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/05/elliot-rodger-price-toxic-masculinity/"><span style="color: #e06666;">Elliot Rodger and the Price of Toxic Masculinity</span></a></b><br />
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Elliot Rodger's Manifesto <b><a href="http://abclocal.go.com/three/kabc/kabc/My-Twisted-World.pdf"><span style="color: #e06666;">PDF</span></a></b><br />
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Hotchkiss, Sandy. (2003) <i>Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism.</i> Pg. 98<br />
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Laura Essig. <a href="http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-inc/201405/elliot-rodger-and-the-problem-manhood"><span style="color: #e06666;"><b>Elliot Rodger and the Problem with Manhood</b></span></a><br />
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Levy, Kenneth. (2012) "Subtypes, Dimensions, Levels, and Mental States in Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder". <i>Journal of Clinical Psychology: In Session</i><br />
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Malcolm, Lynn. (2014) <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/allinthemind/young-people-today-are-more-narcissistic-than-ever/5457236"><span style="color: #e06666;"><b>Research says young people today are more narcissistic than ever</b></span></a></div>
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Ronningstam, Elsa. (2005) <i>Diagnosing and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality</i><br />
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Solnit, Rebecca.<b><a href="http://www.thenation.com/article/180077/yesallwomen-changes-story-isla-vista-massacre?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_term=email_nation&utm_campaign=Editorial%20-%20Solnit#"><span style="color: #e06666;"> #YesAllWomen Changes the Story of the Isla Vista Massacre</span></a></b><br />
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<b><a href="http://www.splcenter.org/get-informed/intelligence-report/browse-all-issues/2012/spring/misogyny-the-sites"><span style="color: #e06666;">Southern Poverty Law Center</span></a></b><br />
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<b><a href="http://n-continuum.blogspot.com/2013/11/narcissism-key-from-healthy-to.html"><span style="color: #e06666;">The Narcissism Key: From Healthy to Pathological</span></a></b><br />
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