Narcissists Push Boundaries

The Dinner Table by Henri Matisse, 1897

This article refers to a post titled: Boundaries, Patterns and Healthy Change.

Over Christmas, our family get-together ended up with one family leaving early, other people pouting, and the hostess separating herself from Fixing Their Problems or Blaming Herself for their misery; or, feeling hyper-responsible to take care of everyone else's feelings while disrespecting my own.

This year, December 2009 (the date is highlighted in my recovery journal), I let events unfold as they should without running interference or myself ragged.

If the only person sitting at my Christmas table was the woman in the apron, then I'd enjoy the flickering candlelight and count my many blessings. How fortunate am I to have fine linen on the table, porcelain dinnerware, and crystal glasses? It doesn't seem that long ago when I bought my forks one-at-a-time during Safeway's supermarket promotional and purchased my fine china the same way the following year. 79 cents per plate, if my recollection is correct. A local antique store has the same plates now. They've raised in value to twenty-five dollars a plate though I might give all twelve of mine away if someone appreciated blue and white etchings of historical buildings on the east coast of the USA. Not that I don't like historical scenes, but I have FAR too many sets of dishes and obviously, my guest list is shrinking. Well, if my guests show up, walk through the dining room and leave, at least they'll see how beautiful the table is. Perhaps that's enough.

I do so love beautiful things.

Last week, my nephew in the family-that-left-early, called me on the phone and asked if he could spend the night with us. He was visiting a nearby university and needed a place to sleep.

"Of course!" I replied. "Would you like to have dinner with us?"

"Oh, I don't know." he said. "I can pick something up on the drive."

"No need to do that," I reassured him. "If you aren't here for dinner, we'll save something for you. We're having barbecued pork sandwiches."

"GREAT!" he said and then he added, "I'll call you tomorrow with the aproximate time of my arrival."

Now I am thinking: here is a nineteen year-old kid who INTENDS to call me again but he likely won't. Teenagers have good intentions and lousy follow-through. So the next day, when he called, I was pleasantly surprised.

"I"ll be there between eight and nine!" he said, adding, "Thank you so much for letting me stay at your house."

The reason I write about this is because I felt RESPECTED. What I declared as a boundary was not misinterpreted as an insult or criticism. When telling people what I expected in order for me to meet their needs and my own, it wasn't meant to be a rejection of anyone. It was an invitation for reciprocal respect.

In a non-pathological relationship, we encounter 'limits' all the time. We may not know we have trespassed another person's boundaries, nor that our own boundaries have been trod upon, UNTIL there's a blow-up. An argument. A disagreement. A confrontation. When this happens, we have the opportunity to define what we expect from other people and vice versa.

If our wants are 'respected', people conform to meeting our needs and do not consider our limitations to be insults, or criticism, or proof that they are unimportant. They also don't see our boundaries as evidence of selfishness and superiority---attributes narcissists are good at seeing in others and never in themselves.

However, in a pathological relationship, our boundaries will challenge the narcissist's grandiosity. Our attempts to set limits are consistently eroded, even dismissed as evidence of our selfishness, control, and power over others. Which is not the case---the selfish and dismissive person is the one who insists on controlling US and pushing our limits just to see if they can.

If you set a limit on behavior you will or won't accept, the narcissist may appear to be compliant at the time of the confrontation. But mark my words, they will intensify their efforts to destroy your boundaries. If you don't relent the first time, they'll keep pushing your boundaries until you do. The more insistent you are on keeping your boundaries in place, the more attached the narcissist is on getting you to back down.

Backing down is a win for the narcissist, you see. He got YOU to go back on your word and let him have his way. This, as you can already attest if you're reading my blog, makes you feel like a pathetic weakling and the narcissist believes he's Napoleon Bonaparte who said, "Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily."

The erosion of your boundaries regulates the narcissist's self-esteem. He feels glorious when he trespasses people's boundaries and conquers their territory.

Narcissists do not respect boundaries. They view boundaries as a challenge to their entitlement and specialness. A myriad of consistent attacks on your limits will ensue and for most of us, we're so caught off-guard that we back down.

What we do not see (because the narcissist pretends otherwise) is that the narcissist does not RESPECT our right to set limits or make demands. If you are under the impression that respect is reciprocal, just see what happens when you tell a narcissist "No". Their aggression increases and eventually, it's easier to let go of what you wanted rather than continue the endless battle.

People are under constant attack if they define themselves as separate from the narcissist. Your separation infuriates the narcissist who expects his wishes and needs to be of more importance than anyone else's. The attacks won't be blatant, though. What will happen is that the narcissist will say he will do everything possible to respect your boundaries and then, he will manipulate situations to make sure he gets YOU to back down. When you back down, his arrogance goes up. He feels better because you don't.

I can imagine this scenario with a pathological narcissist:

He would show up on my doorstep unnanounced because he had to drive to my house because there was an emergency and because he had no time to call me on the phone, he had to rely on my compassion to resolve his emergency visit.

"Besides," the narcissist would say, "You are so accommodating and kind that I KNEW I could trust YOU to understand my predicament. You always understand...not like those other people who refuse to help a guy in trouble."

Then once he got his foot in the door, he'd add: "And oh, by the way, what did you fix for dinner? I may need to leave and pick up something worth eating."

hahaha!!! Please don't interpret my humor as diminishing the impact of pathological narcissism. In retrospect, I laugh at myself for not being able to keep a straight head on my shoulders when under the illusion that all people just wanted to be loved.

No. Narcissists don't want to be loved. They want to be SERVED.

It's so important to recognize the differences between normal dysfunction (in which case, assertion of our boundaries will improve communication and result in reciprocal respect); and pathological dysfunction (in which case our boundaries are targets to be destroyed, insults to the narcissist's sense of superiority and entitlement).

p.s. We had a great visit with my nephew and enjoyed eating our barbecue sandwiches on paper plates. I felt respected, he felt welcome, and perhaps we made progress on familial dysfunction.

Hugs,

CZ

This article refers to a post titled: Boundaries, Patterns and Healthy Change.