Her Royal Highness is not your Best Friend

Cleopatra by J.W. Waterhouse

A reader recently commented on this blog post: Gossip, Rumors and Smear Campaigns

She wrote: "Thank you for writing this post…I have been the victim of online gossip started about me behind my back by none other than my best friend of many years!! I was so shocked, but to be honest…It's like I was fighting a losing battle trying to get her to see sense. In the end after confronting her I got an apology which turned out to be false… making me out to be the bad guy as usual… 

She often puts me down albeit in a sort of jokey way to make it look better than it is, she does this to all friends including her husband on a daily basis and nothing her husband does is ever right she is always moaning about how he does something it has to be her way or she has to be the one who knows better so you have to do what she says.

We've been friends so long, she stuck around when I lost my family to cancer, others didn't stand by and I was on my own a lot of the time, I felt isolated and very vulnerable, but she was there to talk to...Now though, I know for my health that we should probably not speak, she is a toxic friend to have around, in fact---what friend is she to do that to someone? Not a friend obviously, yet I can't seem to just walk away.

It was 5 weeks today since I spoke, and I went and sent her a text....it's not like I won't make other friends I know my trust will start to grow as I grow in confidence again. I think my family's passing has impacted upon my confidence in such a way as for me to think there's still something worth holding onto in an old relationship because it's an old relationship, despite how hurt I end up, sometimes I have actually felt I don't deserve a good friend, or I am so incompetent...etc. My self esteem is pretty low at the moment.

As i said in previous post self esteem is low, thank you for this article and this website as a whole I am starting to feel that I am not alone in this, and that I can loose these toxic friendships and go forward into better ones as I grow in strength. I also feel that I am now awake to these issues and can fully see the true colours of my friends. Now my rose tinted glasses are off!!!" ~Anonymous

To all my friends sporting rose-colored glasses, this post might explain why a friend cuts you down in front of others, talks behind your back, insults, diminishes your light, throws a bucket of water on your fire, sticks a knife in your back, slams home an insult, undermines your confidence, picks on you, jokes about things that aren’t funny, slights your character, and insists you’re best friends while treating you like an enemy!

Well, we may have rose-colored glasses on but we aren’t completely deluded. We’re just confused. We have a difficult time making sense of evidence contradicting our beliefs. In the case of someone we consider to be a best friend (or a lover, as the case may be), it doesn’t make sense to be insulted. Instead of putting all the pieces together and concluding this person is not our best friend, we question our perceptions and this, my friends, is how we stay entangled with a confusing, un-amusing, somewhere-on-the-continuum abusing narcissist.

I felt there might be something useful in my reply that would help other people recognize when a "best friend" is pizzing on your boots and telling you it’s raining. You can put the pieces together IF you understand the narcissist’s mentality. How he or she operates. How they use people’s most precious feelings against them.

I hope you are comfortable with me replying on a separate message, anonymous. Your situation is common and yes, I’ve been there too. Thank you for reading my blog and for writing to me. I appreciate each person who wades through my writings and finds something that’s useful!

Dear Anon,

It sounds like you feel obligated to remain friends with her because she was there to support you in a time of grief and loss. As callous as my comment may sound, narcissists feel superior to us when we are ‘low’. As long as they remain the strong one, the one we rely on when we’re suffering, they are feeding their sense of superiority.

We assume they are empathetic to our pain and for that we are grateful. However, when the tables turn and we are back on our feet, the narcissist will attempt to keep us in an inferior position---even if that means gossiping about us. Revealing our intimate secrets. Criticizing us. In a ridiculous way, asserting their superiority over a friend they need to be weaker than themselves.

You pulled yourself up by the bootstraps even if the narcissist was there to witness your recovery.

Remember this: The narcissist operates on a consistent drive to see themselves as superior to others. This includes being the person other people rely on for strength.

When a narcissistic friend listens to our troubles and supports us, we feel grateful---they feel grandiose. Then, when we are back on our feet, the narcissistic friend is ‘threatened’. Now he or she will react to our resiliency as if it were a threat to their superiority. We don’t need them the way we did. We can support ourselves and this threatens their grandiosity. Make sense? 

If your so-called friend has shown you, through her actions, that she is willing to destroy you to serve her 'image', then take a hard look at your tender gratitude and question whether or not you are being haunted by obligation. 

Narcissists ‘hook us’ into remaining humble and oh-so-grateful for their friendship. You can keep your appreciation to yourself. You don’t have to become her indentured servant simply because she was there when other people couldn't be.

Narcissists frequently come to the rescue because they are not overwhelmed by their emotions and empathy. Sometimes our really good friends are so impacted by our suffering that they withdraw--not because they do not care. But because they do. You hurt. They hurt. They feel helpless to alleviate your pain.

When our friends continue to suffer with us (because they have deep feelings and empathize with us), they may step back for awhile though they may regret not being able to support us the way we need them to. Their withdrawal opens a vacancy creating space for the non-empathic narcissist to step in like a hero and listen to us intently—not because they are suffering with us, of course; but because they are not impacted the way normal people are.

She helped you. That’s great. Narcissists aren’t complete assholes. What you have to pay attention to is how she treats you once you are back on your feet and don’t need her constant support. Her reaction to your resiliency tells the tale of the narcissistic do-gooder. Her royal highness. Get my metaphor here: HIGHness.

You might text her now and then because you appreciate what she did for you when you needed someone to listen. But please, have no illusions that her support was based on empathy and equality. And be careful with whatever you might say to her. Sounds to me like there is nothing she won't do to prove her superiority. Such as accusing you of using her; accusing you of being ungrateful; accusing you of being self-centered. As you know, this is how narcissists perceive other people because this is how they are themselves.

You will also find that by setting limits on your relationship, your self-esteem will increase. Maybe even dramatically. When we feel powerless to help ourselves or prevent being hurt by someone, our self-esteem lowers.

Setting healthy boundaries between yourself and someone who has proven she is not your friend, is Taking Exquisite Care of Your Self. Because YOU are worth it. Your feelings of incompetence will decrease when you trust your perceptions, your feelings, and your experiences and take appropriate action to protect yourself.

Hugs,
CZ