Part Two Online Narcissists: A case study called PuppyGate

Part One: 22 Signs of Online Destructive Narcissists

Part Three: Cyber-Trolls  Just doin' it for the lulz! 



"And all for the love of a puppy at Christmastime" ~Melody

The Web of Narcissism Forum has been operating since 2005. We've had upsets here and there but nothing as gawdawful as the PuppyGate Incident, knockonwood.

PuppyGate was a turning point in my life: incontrovertible evidence of my spectacular inability to spot female narcissism in someone I liked. Pathological narcissism was not gender-specific. What a concept!

"Narcissists do enjoy status and dominance as a way to ensure their esteem, but they are not always heavy handed in their relationships with others. Often, narcissists’ goals are best met by the use of a soft touch. Narcissists like to be surrounded by successful or popular people (e.g., the in crowd). To get this contact, they can be charming, flattering, or simply enjoyable to be around. For example, narcissists are considered entertaining and not boring, energetic, and socially confident. Indeed, narcissists’ anger and hostility may rarely emerge if things are going their way." ~Campbell, Foster & Finkel 

Another article titled Chickens In Oz alludes to PuppyGate. Published in 2010, the only negative repercussion was having the article plagiarized by a scoundrel. Ya can't blame the guy for doing that---it's an awesome article discussing women's aggressive behavior towards other women (always a fun topic for voyeurs and misogynists). There's a reason women resist hanging their dirty linen in public. Too many people reinforce stereotypes about c-r-a-z-y women, rather than recognizing women are subject to aggressive instincts, too. And narcissistic women are experts at recruiting people to rescue them. So are narcissistic men. < ----feminist  statements

I've waited nearly a decade to write about this conflict. Messages have been edited and names have been changed. The MSN forums where PuppyGate took place, no longer exist. My assumption is that anonymous players have moved on. Because I've maintained the WoN forum since 2005, several people have reconciled with me, even years later. I hope this post doesn't reopen old wounds, enough time having passed and wisdom gained to presume we've learned valuable lessons about healthy boundaries and female narcissism. I hope this case study benefits people currently involved in online communities.

Creating WoN

I had only been learning about NPD for three years when deciding to create a forum. Being astonishingly naive, I asked an online friend to be my co-manager even though we didn't know one another very well. She lobbied for the role, just like she lobbied for an assistant manager role on another forum and I liked her. Other people liked her. (Do you ever get a complex about all the people you've liked who turned out to be crumb-bugs and the people you didn't necessarily like, who turned out to be decent people? In between the initial liking and the inevitable not liking, a lot of bad things happen. As we're learning from research, narcissistic people are generally well-liked...until you get to know them. An important thing to pay attention to.)

My story involves a MSN hosted forum with two co-managers, a chat room, a doctor, and a pedigreed puppy causing people to bypass critical thinking and act on sentimental feelings. If they loved puppies, then anyone who loved puppies was a trustworthy person, how much plainer could it be? The greater question about ethical leadership and responsible group behavior was lost in the emotional mania of cyber-friendships and puppy love. As the forum manager, I was a tad slow on the uptake but solidly grounded in the right thing to do. Which is always the harder thing to do because people have an inconceivable determination to support wrong behavior if they like the wrong-doer. As a result of my decisions, the WoN forum split into two separate groups. Some people believed my swift action was commendable; some believed me to be jealous of my co-manager's popularity; and as usual in disputes of such ilk, some people thought me evil. At least my family didn't doubt my integrity. They're cat people, though.

In fairness, this was a complicated situation because forum members were anonymous, never having met in person. If people had met me, this incident may not have spiraled out of control. It's tempting to imagine me as a power hungry monster if you don't see me chopping mushrooms in the family kitchen. Since there weren't any tangible clues about either manager's potential lie-ability, people were forced to pay close attention to the facts. Otherwise, they based decisions on how they felt---and I was not making them feel very good about themselves. I was making people feel really bad about themselves. Conclusion? I must be a puppy hating Hitler. No really. Someone wrote that. I'm grateful the mob stopped short of setting my house on fire. Narcissistic women are sickeningly adept at recruiting people to burn other people's houses down while they make their escape squeaky clean. 

It took about six months after the forum divided before people contacted me about their puppy-loving leader's financial shenanigans that should have been predictable had people not ignored the warning that someone they liked was serving herself first and foremost; that someone they liked would bend rules to get what she wanted; that someone they liked would take advantage of their gratitude. 

While reading this case study, you may want to refer to my prior post for "Tips about Online Narcissists" such as unreasonableness (1) and hostility (2). There was no way to reason with this angry group once aggressive torches (3; 4) had been lit by none other than the holy puppy mother (5;14). What people could not see was how much I cared about their safety, who really had their best interests at heart. How to communicate that properly was beyond my skill but it was still my responsibility and I failed miserably. I hadn't grasped the complexity of emotional enmeshment, nor the psychological transference between narcissists and followers. I didn't understand my precarious role as an authority figure when people had suffered parental abuse. And, I didn't see the covert undermining going on behind my back and under my nose. (16) (When your nose is to the grindstone, you don't notice who's holding the ax. Pay attention to that situation, too)

Always be cautious with female leaders pretending to be silk magnolias who'd never hurt a fly lie stick a pin in their sweet potato eye sty. If pea gravel melts in her mouth, put a padlock on your wallet and change the passwords on your bank account. If I ever hear "Smoochies! loooove you!" again, I'm hittin' the road jack never lookin' back. There's no second chances. You'll believe these women are safe friends, until they aren't. Relational aggression is the narcissistic female's modus operandi so once shit stirrers (16) joined in to distract themselves from their own stink, all hell broke loose. I had a bucket of water and a three alarm fire and bystanders found it awfully entertaining. Other people were cyber-traumatized with c-ptsd. That's Cyberspace Post Traumatic Stress Disorder coming soon to a DSM near you.

I mishandled some things and handled others with dexterity, adhering to the 12-step tradition of "principles over personalities". A team of advisers hunkered down to come up with the best solutions we could. Without these women supporting me, the forum may not have survived.

As one adviser wrote, "I believe very strongly that we are fortunate to have averted a disaster. We are here, we are a bit tattered, but we are here."

Not all online communities survive. One internet community after another has been destroyed by narcissism. Women's tangled webs of malicious gossip, insinuations, and out-and-out lies preclude reasonable resolution. If the narcissistic woman has failed to dominate the group, or she doesn't get her way, she'll do her damnedest to destroy the group she leaves behind. Narcissistic women ruin online communities, ruin marriages, ruin friendships, undermining relationships behind people's backs. You'll never be the wiser until the harm has been done and then you may spend the next ten years sorting out WhatTheHellHappened. Case in point: This article.

Before you read a condensed version of PuppyGate, you need to know I began to have serious reservations about my co-manager, having heard about her character-destroying phone calls. (16) We had never spoken on the phone, she-and-I, a necessary boundary if you intend on running a group and having a life of your own. She used emails like Johnny Appleseed planting seeds of doubt and spreading destructive rumors. She was one of those women who manipulates people pleasers to do the heavy lifting while taking credit for having done everything herself. (14) Even nice people catch on after awhile. (22) My experience as Ms. Fetch and Get It (19) was repeated post-PuppyGate by other people pleasers who also did her bidding. Until they they caught on, too. (13; 14)

Chat Rooms

The chat room is a potentially dangerous place for emotional contagion if people aren't aware. The chat environment allows manipulators to mirror people's emotions; to instill distrust through pseudo-intimacies and "whispers"; and best of all: there's no paper trail. Let me restate that: there's USUALLY no paper trail. I rarely attended chat but managed to collect transcripts after being alerted to suspicious discussions. The acquired transcripts proved my co-manager had been telling people she did all the work (13; 14;), triangulating women by suggesting I was power-hungry and crazy. (2; 3; 4; 5; 7) She was also staging a coup, plotting to demote my status upon completion of the website. (21) If she managed to lock me out of admin controls, she'd be the only manager.

There were signs of our incompatibility the first day we worked together. She sent an angry email the next morning because I hadn't asked her permission before organizing the format. The email was hostile enough that my sister read it. (17) "You cannot work with that woman!" my sister freaked. "Start over with someone else, or do it yourself! This will end badly!" My sister's words came back to haunt me because I didn't trust my intuition, rationalizing my co-manager's thin skin as understandable considering our situations. Had I been in a better place psychologically, the relationship would have come to a screeching halt but instead, I believed we could work things out. This is the naivete of easy-going people, working doubly hard while hoping for the best.

There's no denying this recounting of events is tilted in my favor, cognitive biases being what they are. You be the judge. What would you do if you were the manager? What would you do if you were a group member? How easy is it, really and truly, to Spot a Narcissist?

Three months after spending ten and twelve hour days organizing the WoN forum, building web pages and writing original articles while my co-manager emailed To Do lists and chatted............

PuppyGate 

the condensed version from thousands of emails and messages

"OH NO.  I cannot afford this puppy but I fell in love with her face.  She's a few hours away in Georgia and the breeder said she'd meet me half way.  Uh Oh  

(image of $1500 pedigreed puppy) 

Hope y'all don't mind I'm posting photos of my POSSIBLE puppy!  She's a beauty. Uh Oh. That's all I can think to say." Love, Melody

PuppyGate began with my co-manager's message to forum members. Melody had recently lost one of her two aging dogs. A new puppy would sooth her pain. But why was she looking at pedigreed pups when facing foreclosure on her home? I suggested she rescue a puppy from the pound. That would be fitting considering how compassionate and completely selfless she was. Why did she need a pedigreed dog costing more than some women spend in a month---with four kids to feed, no less?!

Melody formed numerous close relationships in the chat room. Her best chatting buddy was a chiropractor still reeling from her narcissistic relationship. Even though the following comment is out of sequence, it sums up the enmeshment developing between Dr. Chiro and Melody. A forum member defended their special relationship in this excerpt:

"Dr. and Melody have been hanging out in chat for some time now, sharing and laughing, talking and spilling their guts. They became something more than N-survivors talking about the where's and why-fores of N-survival. This breeds intimacy. Intimacy breeds care, love, concern, and the desire to do more.  To save someone from their latest plight. Last time I was in chat, everyone was discussing the pain that Melody has been in..."

Pay attention to your feelings when someone is in pain because empathic people want to help. It's simple-so-simple to be sucked into someone's pain without realizing they're relying on other people's pity to give them what they want.

While Melody and Dr. Chiro were sharing miseries in the chat room, they were also plotting schemes of their own. The first scheme originated by Dr. Chiro was nicknamed The Puppy Plot, later to be known as PuppyGate when it set off a series of unexpected consequences.

Unbeknownst to me, Dr. Chiro sent the following email to forum members, mostly chat room users. As you will read in her email, Dr. Chiro knew her behavior was potentially "wrong", yet she chose to do it anyway. In hindsight, I think the good doctor was being manipulated by my co-manager but the doctor's narcissism wouldn't allow her to consider such a thing. Nor would mine. ha! (Dr. Chiro eventually had a dramatic falling out with Melody. Puppy Gate was only the beginning of their troubles.)

This is her letter to forum members. What would you do if you received a letter like this? 

"Dear Friends,  

I want to help our Friend Melody buy this pup. Cross your heart and hope to die.  Shhhh secret enclosed. That puppy is super expensive and she has enough $ to pay for about  half. But what good is half a puppy? And which half would she choose?   

So many of you have expressed that you want to help get her this pup. So I am going to start a PUPPY collection. Your participation is STRICTLY voluntary and she doesn't know that I am doing this, so please  cross  your heart that you won't tell her!  I don't want her to know that we're conspiring to get her a puppy! If you could afford anything at all it would help.  And please please please if you can't afford anything it's SO OK!  I promise. Not meant to guilt you at all.    

Please don't tell her or the management cause I want  to surprise her.  

If you can help, please email me at _____.  Let me know what you can send. ANYTHING will help. I know she cannot pay her mortgage and get this pup.  Her brothers are going to help.  And she is going to pay some.  But if it isn't enough, we can just cancel the whole thing, I'll tear up the checks and no one will be  the wiser!   

For my part, I'm going to stop buying really unattractive SHINY things. Like the pointed gold beaded shoes I just bought because apparently my inner five year old is holding my credit cards! I knew it was WRONG...but I did it anyway! Luckily I keep receipts! Clearly I have lost my mind. Also yesterday I found a weird iTunes gadget that devil psychoboy bought for the office that was NEVER used...so I can sell it on eBay! And turn it into a PUPPY!  YAY!  Evil turns into GOOD! 

P.S. When we get it all together I wanna send her an ecard with all our  names!  I know she has helped so many of us.  Please don't tell her or it'll ruin my Puppy plan! The timing is important cause she has to put down a deposit.  So let  me know ASAP. Thanks so much.  I know she will be touched." ~Dr. Chiro

Remember, neither advisers nor myself knew about Dr. Chiro's email, nor The Puppy Plot; but we realized something was up because members were sending complaints about chat cliques. Then shock and awe, this note arrived in my email:

"Dear CZ,   

Dr. Chiro is getting money from members to pay for a new puppy. When I didn't send the money right away, she contacted me to see if I made payment to her Paypal account. I don't want to ruin the surprise (you are not supposed to know about it) but I feel uncomfortable sending money through Paypal. Instead, I would love to send the money directly to Melody for her puppy, she has helped me so much. I basically owe my life to her, literally.  Help me make a wise decision here without causing a problem on the board or ruining anyone's surprise!"~ XXX

I replied to XXX:

"Melody is aware of our stance about accepting money or gifts from members. I'd suggest you not participate in the puppy plot. We appreciate Melody for what she has offered but this is a free forum based on free support for our members. NO ONE is obligated to pay for help that was offered freely. NO ONE. Bless your heart for daring tell me; I'm sure it was a difficult and I respect your courage for having done so." ~CZ

It was hard for me to believe people would give money to a board member after being told to keep the plot a secret. It concerned me that members would yield to what appeared to be emotional manipulation. When another person emailed me about The Puppy Plot, I wrote:

"The WoN forum is not a Jerry Lewis Marathon! Our desperate financial situations are mocked by something as unnecessary as a pedigreed puppy!"     

The shit was hitting the fan as word of The Puppy Plot was spreading. Advisers and I had been through enough experiences with Melody to be concerned. She wasn't that different from the male narcissists women were writing about on the forum; i.e.: doing extra nice things and holding them hostage afterwards; demanding only the best for themselves and expecting others to give it to them. Yet here they were, giving a $1500 puppy to someone they'd never even met because they liked her?!! My advisers suggested we do the following:

1) "Dr. Chiro's decision was made independent of managers with no regard to the members. She used her membership status to extract money from selected people and deliberately kept her actions secret. There is no accountability as to the amount of money she will collect, or where it might go. Take the "everyone loves Dr. Chiro" thing out of the equation. Any con artist could come in and do the same thing!" 

2) "Melody is complicit. Her posts about not having enough money evoked this.  She knows people empathize and rescue. We should suggest she write a message saying she's aware someone wants to send her a gift, how much she appreciates it, but how inappropriate it is. Boundaries need to be addressed. Secrets need to be addressed. We need to hold her accountable to setting limits. That's what we would do."   

We tried reaching Melody to discuss the situation before the money had been collected but she refused to answer emails or respond to our manager's board. Not more than a couple of days after we were alerted to The Puppy Plot, Dr. Chiro posted her announcement: 

"Melody?? OH MELODY! We have a GIFT for YOU! I have excellent HOLIDAY NEWS! The best news I have EVER had the pleasure to deliver! We have turned Good Will into the best possible form of LOVE!  PUPPY LOVE!!!  We got the money!  We have it! I took matters into my freakishly strong hands and I emailed some of your friends here on the forum!  A Puppy PLOT!  A Grassy Knoll!  I asked for help, passed the hat, showed them the MOST recent horrible shoes I bought (and WILL return!)!?  Yes!  Oh yes! WE DID IT!  Melody, make that call!! GET THAT PUP! 

The puppy was *heart attack* expensive, but by splitting it all up and asking for ANYTHING anyone could afford, I have collected enough!  Melody!? GO GET YOUR PUPPY!  Happy Holidays!  For those of you that helped, THANK YOU! 

To Melody: one 12 pound boxer puppy, brand new with tags!  Includes soft puppy belly, soft little paws and sweet puppy breath!  No batteries required!  Now we need to NAME our WoN Mascot!  She's a protector for all of us!" ~Dr. Chiro

Several members replied before I could swallow another Xanax:

1) "I can't wait until Melody sees this!  A very merry, most special happy Christmas, my friend!  I am so glad I got to play a small role in the grassy knoll Christmas puppy plot!   OOOOH, may you get very many happy puppy kisses!"   

2) "Now we are sure you will have a Merrier Xmas :) Love you and glad you will have a super Xmas filled with more love than you can imagine!" 

3) "We hope you enjoy your new puppy Melody as much as we LOVE YOU!! You deserve it. May you have many many happy years together and always think of us, who love you so... and whom you have helped more than you will ever know. Way to go Dr.!! And Melody- you go get that puppy and give us lots and lots and lots of pictures. I hope you and doggie and the new puppy will all be very happy! Love you oodles and oodles! 

4) "i am all teary now.... i cannot believe this...what incredible people you all are...and of course i want to contribute. love you soooo!"

5) "I love you guys. This is impressive. Truly. This is genuine happy Christmas miracle heartmelting puppy stuff. Wow. "  

6) "Puppy is sooooooooooooooooo cute. I think my email is in my profile if not let me know and I can forward it on to who I need to. Give me an addy to send the mula!"

7) "I am so happy you all did this for Melody, but was I out or what?  I check my email everyday and I look in here every other day and this is the first I hear of passing the hat. I feel I missed the train somehow, so please count me in too. How did you get everyone to contribute?"  

And from Melody: 

"You all did this? Really did this? I am overwhelmed, speechless, OH MYGOSH My hands are shaking so badly I can't type. Oh Thank You Thank You! There are no words. As soon as I've calmed down a bit I'll be back. I am so Overwhelmed
We Love You ALL SO!"~ Melody & Doggie

At this point, I stepped in with a serious downer that didn't increase my popularity:

"Dear Dr.Chiro, 

Please email me immediately. We need a private discussion." 

Once the Puppy Plot had accomplished its mission, I worried about being locked out of my own forum. I rushed to admin controls lickety-split and demoted my co-manager to assistant manager status. Now she couldn't demote me or take over the forum. I also deleted Dr. Chiro's membership, informing her she had broken our code of conduct and if she wanted to be reinstated, she could apply for membership in two weeks. The demotion and deletion tactics learned on a prior MSN forum, didn't  go over too well on the WoN forum either; but damned if I didn't beat those rapscallions to the finish line. So much for nice people being stupid or weak. (22) I crafted a firm but kind email and sent it to Dr. Chiro:

"Dear Dr. Chiro,

We need to talk about gathering funds on a message board to buy a manager a gift. This is a boundary violation which I am sure you understand being a doctor yourself. We will not tolerate this secretive behavior. 

I received a few emails today from members who were told they ought not tell CZ. This undermines my leadership, divides members against one another and is highly inappropriate. As you already know, or you would have asked management first. 

I am suspending your membership immediately for undermining forum leadership. After two weeks, you may re-apply if managers agree to accept your membership. If you would like to correspond in private, you may do so at this address: czbz@TotallyExhausted.com"

It didn't take long for someone to notice the demotions: 

"Dr. Chiro's profile says she isn't a member anymore.....what is going on?" 

I chose not to publish my email to Dr. Chiro for members to read at that point, and maybe I should have because this is how Melody twisted the content after Dr. Chiro shared my email with her. Read Melody's interpretation of my email below and then re-read the actual email above. Without publishing the actual email, members relied on Melody's interpretation:

"Why wasn't Dr. Chiro allowed to explain she meant nothing sinister, was unaware of any MSN rule (which has yet to be posted and I can't find) and why was she sent such a cruel email that she nearly wrecked driving home from being pummeled with ugly words for her incredible kindness act? And all for the love of a puppy at Christmastime." ~Melody

"Ahhh...isn't she sweet?!!"

Meanwhile, away from the troops she was inciting to mutiny, Melody continued to ignore my emails and messages. The subject title of my last unanswered message might have had something to do with that and I regret writing in anger, but I was furious at what was happening to the forum. I titled my message: "Are you going to respond to this mess you created, Melody?" Frustrated by that point and completely ignoring BIFF rules for high-conflict situations (Bill Eddy would be disappointed) I wrote:

"Dear Melody,  

When we weep for a new puppy and BEG wounded people to buy her for us, this is what we create. I thought you would pull yourself together and realize it was wrong to trigger emotionally-suffering women's desire to give you, a manager for cripe's sakes, a new puppy for Christmas! And I've not heard a peep from you. Nor did you refuse to accept such a gift as good MANAGERS would do immediately. 

I would like to know if you have accepted money from other women for the legal advice you offered. You owe me at least that much. Otherwise, I shall write them myself.  Call me a bitch if you want but this forum is not a showcase for your troubles. You think you got problems? Take a look around yourself. As long as I am ripping you a new one, let me add: there is legal behavior and then there is moral behavior. This entire unfolding of events was immoral in my perspective. You took advantage of peoples' goodwill and I believe it was intentional on your part....extremely manipulative and dishonest. 

You can probe all you want into MSN's rules of conduct to see if you 'qualify' to keep that expensive puppy. OR, you can look into your soul and see how wrong it is if even ONE member feels badly because a bunch of wealthy women put their money together and bought a forum manager a very expensive gift.   

The fact that you are peering through the Rules of Conduct rather than asking yourself 'why' this might be inappropriate, says a lot about where your heart is. And it certainly says a lot about your ability to manage a forum of wounded people. We must be impeccable about accepting donations, gifts, money, etc. from anyone who is traumatized. Does this make sense to you or shall I find a link for you to read?   

Managers must be above reproach for our dear members who would do anything, absolutely anything to give back. I am horrified to find out you cannot see the distinction between yourself as a manager and members. I am doubly horrified at your message on the forum justifying unjustifiable behavior."  ~CZ 

This did not work out very well as savvy readers will have already surmised. Instead of answering this message when it was posted, she waited until the puppy had been given to her and THEN she published my private message on the public forum, titled, "A message left for me by CZ". Posting private correspondence is a common tactic with narcissistic people who appeal to the group for support, seeing themselves as more influential than they actually are; recruiting rescuers; and at the same time, betraying an ethical code. They trespass ethical boundaries when posting private correspondence and we all know this. Unfortunately, people who like that person will leap to their rescue, ignoring the infraction which may be a warning of bad things yet to come.

Because she posted a private message from our manager's board, I demoted Melody's assistant manager status to that of member. Melody wrote:

"Now I've been demoted to member but I just found this message. It's been copied by four other members so you can delete it if you want to, but honestly, it's going to get passed around. I think every woman I ever lent a legal hand to will tell you, I never would take a dime although they offered over and over.

Your behavior is appalling." (7) 

Blame-shifting, reversing victims, downplaying her transgression, and recruiting people to defend her integrity against the big bad authority figure who's spoiling her Christmas present: CZ. (21) She was also distorting the situation by suggesting she had everyone's support and I was in big trouble now! She was using the group to defend herself against me. My goal had been protecting people's safety and now they saw me as Melody's persecutor. Nobody manipulates the Drama Triangle quite like a narcissistic woman.

On Being Appalling

I've written to hundreds of people for over a decade, managing a free forum where they can build supportive relationships. Never in all those years has anyone offered me $1500. Is that because I'm not worth $1500 and Melody was? If anyone wonders how "innocent" Melody may have been in The Puppy Plot, t-h-i-n-k about it. She must have been doing something for anonymous people to fork over their hard-earned cash. (here's a guess as to why she got that puppy: covert manipulation). The truth is that lots of people have given her money---some women are very clever at wheedling. Benefactors won't know they've been had, 'til they reach in their pocket for lunch money and it's gone.

"I am one hair away from homelessness," someone wrote. "I have a few bucks to live on for maybe another month, but what greater gift could I give than to give love?  And a puppy is love.  Dr. Chiro did a beautiful thing."   

Another forum member said, "Dr. Chiro didn't seek only a few "wealthy women" to contribute, she emailed me and hell, I am not wealthy at all. Melody, I love you."

"Then she stamped her little foot and said: "Be so mean if you want to!...Hateful, hateful, hateful!"—and she flung out of the house with a new explosion of crying." ~Tom Sawyer

Everybody loves Melody

The following message is an example of incoming criticism and there was lots of it. Maybe fifty or sixty messages a day. Even repetitive nonsense such as "Puppy Hater" written over and over like a scene out of Jack Nicholson's The Shining. We set the forum to Moderation Mode, approving messages before they could be posted. I glued my fingers to me arse when opening  hate mail. The animosity was shocking. Even today, while reconstructing this sequence of events, it stuns me that people saw my co-manager as needing their protection. Oh, the crazy lengths we'll go to please our favorite narcissist!

The following email is an example of unreasonable anger. This is a harsh email, so if you're triggered by hostility, you may want to skip it:

"CZ, you have violated the trust of every single member of this forum tonight.  You have taken something that was a beautiful and special testimony of the affection forum members have for one of the managers - NOT you - and turned it into a projection screen where you strut your vindictiveness and jealousy before the entire NPD cyber world. You should be ashamed of yourself. 

You have taken an innocent gesture and distorted it into the most bizarre display of ill will and bad temper that I have ever witnessed on the internet.  You owe every member of this forum an apology! I can only think that some extreme stress in your personal life has caused you to react in an outlandish and unprofessional manner.  Perhaps you would be happier going back to being a manager on the NPD site. You have broken the trust of all here. 

One final thing. I resent being referred to as a wealthy woman. I get $645.00 a month from SSDI. I have a TEMPORARY job delivering phone books which is destroying the car I cannot afford to replace. I donated $10.00 toward the gift of a puppy for my friend. I'll donate another $10.00 toward your next session with a competent professional therapist. Oh, I forgot!  You'd be too "moral" to accept it.  Never mind." 

And welcome to the point, my friend. You are exactly the woman I am defending. This author emailed me after a falling-out with Melody precipitated her regrets. She said she'd been caught up in something she didn't understand, that she felt terrible about her behavior, and would I forgive her so she could let it go? Well, of course I forgave her. I had almost forgiven myself for doing the best I could even though it wasn't good enough to stop the situation from spiraling out of control. The fact is, I was in way over my head, clueless to the covert smear campaign that had been waged against me for months. 

We shut down the chat room to encourage people to write about their thoughts and feelings. Not everyone saw the chat room as emotionally destructive, though:

One woman wrote: "I found chat to be a place of humor, compassion, venting, problem-solving, and provided a way in real time for people who felt either less prone to express themselves in posts, or just needed help, support, or camaraderie in the moment. I don't feel chat is a less healthy way to express oneself than posts....most people did both." 

And a rebuttal from another member: "Chat, by its nature ends up as a private private forum unless the transcripts are posted. I get the benefit and the immediacy of chat and it is also cool to make friendships on the board. But there is nothing that chat adds that cannot be dealt with on the boards in full view of everyone, equally. Any time you turn something into an exclusive place it hurts those left out and, devalues and discards them. I spent to much time trying to get into the Ns club: his world, his life. Little did I know that was never possible. I don't want walls and velvet ropes, no matter how innocently they are put up, on a place I come to for equitable healing." 

Even with incoming insults and death threats (yes, really), forum members deserved answers and they definitely needed more explicit rules than our simple code of conduct. I wrote to forum members:

"Dear members,  

While we would like to please everyone, we also realize this would be an impossible task. In respect of forum members' privacy, we will not reveal additional information than has already been provided on message threads. These are Management's Decisions: Chat will remain closed for an indefinite period of time. Exchange of gifts or monies will result in mandatory termination. Melody will remain a member of WoN at her choice. Dr. Chiro will remain in temporary suspension until she chooses to re-apply.  

We appreciate everyone's input on this issue. We also hope that after thoughtful contemplation, each member will accept our decisions as protecting the safety and the sanctity of our forum." ~CZ

Now you might think this would settle things down and people could get on with the business of healing, but it didn't. Like all traumatic experiences, people needed to talk about what had taken place. How they felt about it. Their concerns and regrets. That was understandable. Cyber-relationships are relationships, after all. Scores of messages poured in:

1) "I was excluded and do not feel left out or sad. It was a wonderful giving Melody a puppy. I am sure those involved would have handled things differently, but it was done with the best intentions so what's wrong with that? If anybody is feeling left out and sad maybe they need to work out why that is? Perhaps there are other issues for them?"  

2) "I am disturbed Melody was not informed of her demotion before other members told her. This seems passive aggressive, like triangulation. I realize she did not respond to CZ's messages appropriately but surely nothing was so urgent that this courtesy had to be skipped? How 'bout "an attitude of gratitude" and some lassitude. Yes, I do mean special treatment. It gives the impression of management being stressed out and reactive." 

3) Gasper wrote: "It looks like a bloodbath to  me, with 12-step principles applied to it retrospectively."

My patience run-out at this point, I reacted:

"Knock it off, Gasper. We've had our run-ins before and if you don't like it here, get a towel, wipe the blood off your face and move on. Your choice. If members have further criticisms or judgments or wisdom from their vast knowledge of board management experience, please email us. However, we will not reveal any more information than we have already gone OVERBOARD revealing."

That comment from me made me take a step back and look at myself. Was I being too hasty? Maybe I was overly harsh with Melody, she had lost her beloved dog after all. Was I using power unfairly? Was I letting my prior frustration with Melody cloud my reasoning? Luckily, a welcomed email arrived from a trustworthy source, confirming what we already knew had been going on in chat. At this point, we realized other people besides ourselves were aware of the chat room shenanigans. We decided to keep this email and the chat transcripts private since we believed people had enough information to make their decisions. I still don't know if that was the right approach or not. The email said:

"Becky was in chat the night before PuppyGate went down. And guess what? Melody was getting ready to stage a coup and get rid of assistant managers and CZ because CZ had gone crazy and was power hungry!! Melody was drumming up supporters!"

So tell me, what would you do? Would you post this private information? At the time, we believed people had made up their minds and there was no point attempting to convince them otherwise OR defend my integrity. I usually err in "over-explaining", assuming people will be swayed by evidence or logic and this almost NEVER works. I concluded that healthy boundaries meant protecting my values and allowing others to live by theirs, learning as we all do through our mistakes.

As studies on cognitive dissonance suggest, people believe what they want/need to believe; they see what they want/need to see. If they had invested in The Puppy Plot, they'd justify their decision no matter how illogical or wrong it might be. 

The inevitable Suicide Threat

No online conflict worth its salt would be complete without a suicide threat, would it? The next episode in Upping the Ante was being charged with Dr. Chiro nearly killing herself. The threat of the doctor's almost-suicide released another torrent of outraged support for her, another round of darts and arrows for me. That I was popping Oreos faster than my former co-manager could fabricate lies, was my private hell. I wasn't about to use my anxiety to garner people's pity. Even if betraying a confidence might have saved me from a hanging, I resisted posting private confidences. This resistance gives troublemakers an advantage, though. They can twist situations to suit themselves while their victim is bound by her conscience (and her confusion, ha!).

1) "Dr. Chiro is damn near dead inside today! She almost killed herself on the way home last night. This is not drama, this is truth. She cannot stop crying. She's in terrible pain. How bitter I am. How wrong this is!" 

2) "My Christmas will be a better one because of that puppy, and imagining Melody's face when she gets to hold her. Love to all of you puppy people. The spirit that you acted in shines over all the ensuing crap." 

3) "Without my two beautiful, funny, naughty, dogs, I wouldn't be here. Literally. They saved my life. And now I need to go and hug them, because this place is a painful place to be and they are the only things in my life I can rely on. If you've never known the unconditional love a dog can bring you, you won't understand."  

4) "And all for the love of a puppy at Christmastime." ~Melody 

My former (thank god) co-manager wrote another message intending to discredit WoN now that she and her recruits had created a new forum. She insinuated WoN was unsafe and if people wanted security, they should abandon the Mother Ship and join their fearless captain on "Escape Narcissism: The Pirate Ship". Melody somehow someway managed to turn me into a dangerous and narcissistic leader (21) and people believed her when she wrote:

"The ugly words spoken to Dr. Chiro, her banning, the crushing of her spirit so cruel it is impossible to comprehend. Doctor is a very bright woman and would have understood had it been explained to her kindly. It wasn't explained to me either."

(Note: “If you can’t understand it without an explanation, you can’t understand it with an explanation.” Haruki Murakami, 'Town of Cats'. Yes. Cats. Not dogs.) 

Melody continued: "My demotion? I know why, but members don't. It's because I don't agree with what has been happening on this forum, none of which you are aware of, and it involves admitting members without proper screening to create a spark on this forum.  It is being said that members need these disruptions to toughen up, that we cannot be their shield, their defender, their protector."  

The truth behind her secrets-bad-managers-won't-tell-you comment is that someone from another forum had applied for membership. I believed the applicant would be good for the group because she wasn't prone to GroupThink. She was a critical thinker and yes, okay, yea---a bit of a shit-stirrer. Because managers could not arrive at a unanimous vote to accept Queenie's membership, majority vote ruled over Melody's objection. The "seeds of distrust" planted in Melody's message demonstrates how narcissists bend the truth to create doubt in other people's minds. (As a side note, Queenie followed Melody to The Pirate Ship, rejecting WoN. O yea, baby. Emotional manipulators are just that good.)

Melody continued: "When I give my word and promise, I must know in my heart that it is the truth.  I've been fighting with my co-managers to defend my honor and it is that which is now being attacked. Very few things are ever how they truly appear. This is not about puppies, Christmas, whether an MSN rule was broken or not, or Dr. Chiro, although that is where the fallout has landed.  It's about the use of power for questionable reasons that would harm each member and will continue to do so.  That is what this is about, not puppies. And all of this, all of it---over the love of a puppy at Christmastime."

Take note of her blame shifting, secondary arguments, DARVO. (21) This comment is a perfect example of recruiting rescuers by telling people she's being attacked unfairly---thus setting up the drama triangle with  me as her persecutor. She claimed the mantle of honor while disparaging me as dishonorable, an example of splitting. (4) Many of you have experienced this with narcissistic people who flip reality, claiming to be of utmost moral rectitude when they've been caught with their hand in the cookie jar, their pants around their ankles, plotting mutinies in chat rooms. My only hope was that once the emotional tidal wave subsided, people would ground themselves in facts, in reality. My best recourse (or so I thought at the time) was to "hunker down and let the bombs fall."

And right on cue, someone picked up on Melody's inference that WoN wasn't a safe place:

1) "I am concerned about the narcissist getting on here and I EXPECT precautions be taken when a story sounds fishy or it mirrors the story of another member!!!" 

2) "This is about a betrayal of trust on the part of CZ toward the rest of us.  Until CZ makes that right, I for one can do no further healing here."  

3) "You need to look at the principals involved. Stop trying to force CZ to do what YOU want. YOU are not more important than everyone else here. Stop being emotional and use your brain for a moment!" 

4) "Please don't waste your time offering me your advice.  I am sure there are others here who could use your assistance.  I am not one of those people!" 

5) "CZ, you've let down SO many good people here and as a member I've been let down too.  I can't stay here.  Please terminate my membership."  

Because administrative maintenance reviewing membership applications was my responsibility (yea, the grunt work), I assumed my message would clear things up. Note to Self: never assume logic or direct evidence will settle an online conflict.

I wrote: "If members are concerned about WoN management not putting their safety as one of our highest priorities, please review past threads to see who has been doing the work to keep members safe. Your safety IS important to all of us screening incoming applications, reviewing threads, emailing concerned members, and reviewing suspicious messages. If this is not obvious by the countless hours we have spent sniffing out suspects in order to protect you, then there really isn't much more we can say." ~CZ

To illustrate people's divergent views of Puppy Plot, several well-reasoned comments were posted, such as the following:

1) "The controversy is not so much about the people. It's about what is appropriate and not appropriate. What issues are in question here? What boundaries have been violated? These questions will eventually help us to define our boundaries around forum collections and gifts. I want to encourage you to become patient with these issues.  Anything that we take with us, emotionally and mentally from this experience is more than a gift...it's something that we can't take up a money collection for...it's a soulful wealth that can be shared by all." 

2) "Let's give the money back, or agree to give it to the coalition Against Domestic Violence. Let's restore Dr. Chiro to the forum. Let Melody and CZ decide whether they can work together privately. Let us get on with the work at hand: Healing." 

3) "We have a lot of people here with financial difficulties. They are having problems with Christmas for their own children, money for food for their families, gas for their cars. It puts life in a different perspective when you are scrambling to keep your head above water and people are spending an inordinate amount of time on the puppy fund. The puppy fund should have been taken completely off the board, to private emails."  

4) "I am so sad about this. If the parties look at their motives and think through how the group was affected, the act was intensely selfish and that is the real lesson. All the back and forth jokes are self serving---the passing of the hat, the self aggrandizing (when you need attention for your charitable works, the works are no longer charitable). I have been logging on for the past few weeks and women who need emotional support go ignored as the puppy clique grows larger and larger. Many members have been excluded."  

5) "It is beautiful to love Melody and want her to be happy, but in a world where thousands of dogs need homes and will be killed this holiday season, a pedigree pup purchase is doubly wrong and sends a message I do not understand." 

6) "I stand by Melody and Dr. Chiro because of the fact that this IS a matter of the heart, and intentions were not meant to be cruel or evil. I understand CZ's position but there is error on everyone's part and with some effort and a little less drama, I believe it can be fixed. Otherwise this place will topple. This is in no way a threat CZ. It is the way these things end up, just one big huge mess.....a bloodbath with causalities everywhere." 

7) "No offence is meant by this post to anyone who opened their hearts and donated to the puppy fund. However, there are women on this list one step away from women's shelters, women escaping abuse with little or no funds, women without medical coverage, women with children and no idea how they will survive another week let alone provide a Christmas. Why are we not raising funds for them?  I know this was done out of love for Melody, but please keep in mind some of the terrible situations and dire straights members may be in and perhaps arrange this stuff off list."  

8) "A gift was given out of love. It should end there."

You may be asking yourself at this point: 

Is this a healing forum or is this a kennel? 

 

"Whatever happens dear Melody, know this: There are so many behind you. Should you decide to get the hell out, you will be followed where ever you go. Loads and loads of kisses and hugs and all things good---like puppies at Christmastime." ~an admirer

And with management's refusal to budge on our decisions, dissenters escaped narcissism, sailing away on a Pirate Ship with Captain Melody at the helm. Aye aye and tally ho! We now had two forums instead of WoN and people were free to choose the best place for their recovery. In a big picture view, this was a good thing. There weren't enough forums in 2005 and as a consequence, people were subjected to irresponsible forum leadership banning and deleting without censure.

Advisers and I restored our focus on WoN, reviewed the mission statement, and modified our code of conduct to protect people from financial manipulation in the future. And then:

The Inevitable Lawsuit Threat & Demand for Apology 

We had been forced to cancel several memberships before and after The Pirate Ship set sail, contacting each person and explaining why---which was a far cry beyond the typical "unexplained bannings" on N-forums. In the example below, the author was part of the chat room mutiny, yet she still sent me this email after her membership had been cancelled:

"CZ, because I have made my real name (LitigiousLilly) and my location (HellAndBack) known to the general membership, your comments are something I can hold you legally responsible for. I would also like for you to address your accusation of my behaving abusively in chat. I would like to see the transcripts. You have brought my personal integrity into question and unless you show me proof of your statements or issue a public apology and retraction of your words, I will seek legal action against you."

I replied to her concerns about her real name and location ruining her reputation:

"Dear LitigiousLilly, 

We have no messages on our forum about your membership cancellation. Any threads referring to PuppyGate have been deleted. I hope this is an early Christmas present from WoN managers to you and everyone who has moved on with their healing. 

It is our hope that each person will find peace about the inevitable division of forums. The more forums there are on the web, the more we'll be able to help others. Take care of yourself. I wish nothing but serenity and joy in your life."

 And LitigiousLilly replied: 

"In other words, having done the damage, you now have destroyed the evidence of your misdeeds when called upon to take responsibility for your actions.  Rather than retract statements that have no basis in the truth, you simply sweep the entire thing under the carpet, leaving those who read your words still believing them to be an accurate portrayal of my character.  You then have the audacity to describe your self-serving action as an "early Christmas present." It won't wash. I have screenshots of the pages in question. Merry Christmas!"

Damned if you do and damned if you don't! The ol' Catch-22. We removed threads in the hopes of restoring peace but did she interpret this as a peace-offering?  No. "You only did that to destroy the evidence!" she wrote. And no, there was no lawsuit, only the threat of a lawsuit.

Before moving on to resolutions, the following exchange merits placement in the story. It should say something to people studying narcissist's cool and collected behavior because as you can imagine, my emotional state was ragged. I was frazzled and broken-hearted now that my Web of Narcissism dream was in the dumpster and all over the love of a puppy at Christmastime. ARGH

"Melody, have you been taking Gandhi/Nelson Mandela pills? You are so chilled, diplomatic and laid back about this it is awesome!  Isn't she incredible?" ~a male admirer

Melody replied: "As much as we want to be peacemakers, straddle the diplomatic fence (which I am famous for), keep the peace to keep the boat from rocking, the waves rock it on their own no matter what we do."

Remorse---Gratitude---Resolution

Three signs someone is NOT a narcissist

The following comment was how I hoped people would handle PuppyGate and it speaks to the author's resiliency tolerating this traumatic conflict in a mindful way:

"When Dr. Chiro was banned, I didn't understand---I was mad, and I was mad at CZ for acting in what I thought was pure haste. How could CZ ban someone for such a loving gesture?  But I love CZ, so how could I question her judgement? NO! I'm mad!!! But she saved me!! Was she for real? No, how can she be---she just killed her board. But that isn't the CZ I have come to know and respect and love for all these months.  

"I had to take a day or so off the board to get my feelings in check and truly figure out what I believed. I have read numerous posts, some of them twice and I now have the understanding that I needed. CZ & Co., you did an amazing thing! I respect management even more now. I saw that some of the people who got banned, really needed to take a good long look at their behavior." 

A forum member responded to her message:

"Your comment was thrilling to read! I love that you took time off to ponder what was true FOR YOU and came to a loving conclusion that was so well written. I felt the love in your voice and the power of joy in your spirit and it lifted me, truly. Thanks for your tribute to the managers. They are amazing and wise women and I am so grateful for the time they take out of their lives and families to create a forum for many to share and hug and learn and grow. It's really a privilege, not a right. Maybe thinking and a little gratitude would have saved the bannees." 

The floodgates were opened and managers breathed a sigh of relief:

1) "I commend you for "holding the vision" together.  It takes courage to be a leader and the ability to regroup and come up on top. You have done this and you have my utmost respect. You have not wavered with your intentions of making this a wonderful community. When I first joined this forum in it's beginnings...... I embraced the principles that set this group apart from any other on the net."
 
2) "CZ, what a crummy job you have had these past few days. I was the CEO of a company and on my first day a sage person said to me, "You will have to eat a yard of shit every day but you must never forget you are the boss." He was so right. I did the job for 7 years and I never lost sight of his advice. Each time I had to make a decision I thought, what can I decide that helps everyone. And then I made those decisions. (always the co-dependent and I don't happen to think it is a bad thing!).  In the short term, people hated and cursed me but in the long run, they came to understand. You have to do what you have to do; for yourself and who you are, and stand for. Some of us out here love and respect what you are doing and will be here no matter what.  I get so much comfort from this board and totally respect what you are doing." 

3) "Gosh CZ, This is heavy duty and I know that it had to be done for the good of the general membership. A big hug for having the cojones to do what needed to be done. You have my respect and have created a safe zone for "wounded warriors" who need positive support. THANKS"  

4) "CZ, you have my profound respect and admiration.  There is no one I would rather have as the Manager of this forum. Your integrity and conviction of purpose is more apparent as time goes on. I am blessed to be in this place, at this time, with you.  Thank you for the opportunity to be on your team. And PracticalJude: You are the calm in the storm, the light in the dark, and I am privileged to serve with you on this board. Thank you for all you have done always and for your dedication to this board. Members, Thank you for your faith and hope. I look forward to that which is yet to come, for all of us."

Get the Kleenex. People were beginning to understand the serious issues at stake and no, it wasn't about puppies. It was about ethics and principles and leaders being able to set aside their PETty self-interests in service of the group. It took awhile before people could integrate the ordeal. We lost a lot of members who couldn't cope with the confusion. We lost a lot of members who gave up on cyber-space as a SAFE place to learn and grow. That is the tragedy of online conflicts, making it even more important that leaders familiarize themselves with the Signs of Destructive Online Narcissists. 

I will never uncover all the damage done because of my relationship with Melody. Critical emails were attributed to me. Phone calls were made to discuss my character. One woman was terrified she'd been emailing me privately since rumor suggested I was a psychopath. Melody used any bit of information to plant seeds of doubt in people's minds. Emotional pain works like fertilizer in the minds and hearts of suffering people. Perhaps Melody was the kind of person who tore people down to build herself up---narcissistic people feel diminished when someone thinks you're swell. They almost can't stop themselves from inventing insults to prove how bad you are (which makes them look superior and restores their self-esteem). If they feel guilty about assassinating your character behind your back, ten bucks says "Smoochies! I loooove you!" will show up in your email.

Numerous people have been brave enough to tell me about their experiences with Melody. That people believed outlandish lies was disheartening because some of her secret revelations involved my x-spouse whom she'd never met. She did this with anyone who knew me in cyberspace---even with people considered to be friends, but especially with those that weren't. When I confronted her about an email attributed to me but written by herself, she said:

"Everyone has been guilty of trusting someone, confiding in them, to have their words later used against them. This is nothing new. Every single person in this world has felt this sting from friends, intimate family members, and cyber buddies. We are human, we do this.  We share our thoughts, sometimes not so pretty ones, but it's the way we feel."

And there you have it. Feelings become facts and forums turn into kennels. When it comes to taking personal responsibility and admitting mistakes, the narcissist's agentic "I" magically transforms to the communal "WE do this". 

In case anyone wonders, had The Puppy Plot taken place off-board as some suggested and the gift collection managed privately, I'd still have demoted Melody's status for unethical behavior. As PracticalJude counseled, "Managers that make mistakes should be able to acknowledge them and correct them. Everything that followed suggested she wasn't up to the task of leadership." Pay attention to Jude's advice if you're involved in a conflict and managers believe themselves above reproach.

If any of my readers would like advice on starting a safe and trustworthy forum, you'll have to contact me. The Pirate Ship sank years ago when the trustworthy Captain swam away with the sharks, leaving her crew stranded on the poop deck. 

p.s. You may be wondering if I ever heard from my former co-manager again. Well, yes. I did. About one year later.

Dear CZ, 

I am sure this letter comes as quite a surprise.  Well, life is full of surprises and sometimes they are very rich and rewarding.  I do hope this turns out to one of them. Despite what happened in the past best summed up as raging emotions, we were there for each other through some immensely difficult times and that is worth remembering.  The rest just isn't. I've been off forums since 2006—the day a new chapter began that has been one of the best in my life. A magnificent time filled with those things life is all about—challenges wrapped with glorious happenings and new discoveries.  I have not cast my eyes upon the Pirate Ship nor any other NPD forum since that day. 

I was talking to so-and-so on the phone yesterday asking how everyone was, what’s the news and she said, "Why don’t you use my log-in and look at the Pirate Ship?"  I did. A grin the size of Texas spread across my face seeing the marvelous names of the marvelous people that once filled my every waking moment keeping me sane.   

So-and-so also directed me to your blog and it is quite lovely. One of the things I've been doing is internet marketing and I want to give you a few suggestions for visibility to your blog........(yada yada wordpress anchor-texts blahbetyblah rankings).......

We can talk about this later if you’d like. Right now let me tell you the reason for this letter. I am sending an email to the few remaining Ship members to gather again for a party, a bon voyage, coming together again. You are invited as are others who would like to drop by. In talking with so-and-so, we thought telling you first was best as some surprises we can do without.  We’ll decide on the date very soon.

My very best to you,
Melody

I declined response. 

Resources

Narcissistic Continuum. 22 Signs of Online Destructive Narcissists

Narcissistic Continuum. Chickens in Oz: The Distortion Campaign

Campbell, Foster & Finkel. Does Self-Love Lead to Love for Others? 15-page PDF

Jennifer J. Freyd. What is DARVO? University of Oregon.