Egocentrism or Narcissism? Antagonism explains the difference

Woman Reading by Fernando Botero

"You don’t have to be a narcissist to display some narcissistic qualities. After all, everyone’s the hero of their own story. However, the hallmark of empathy is understanding that and remembering it when you deal with people. If you can both recognize your own interests and acknowledge those of others, you’re in a good place. That said, a little narcissism is good for all of us." ~Alan Henry

This article on LifeHacker might interest people who like reading and talking about narcissism. If you don't like talking about narcissism, you probably aren't reading my blog and you wouldn't understand my essays anyway. I'm gradually adjusting to being misinterpreted by people who've never stepped foot in a 12-step meeting or participated in family-of-origin recovery work, or even therapy for goshsakes how can you critique something you know nothing about? Readers need to have some context for my writing which builds on self-help principles, trusting readers to have a basic understanding of psychology and pathology. And "NO", Focusing on yourself does not mean ego-centrism is a good idea go for it and be an asshole 'cuz narcissism is the new measure of mental health.

Suggesting Blogging Is Good For Your Narcissism upset a reader who assumed it was justification for my narcissistic personality. That some readers have conflated pathological narcissism with healthy narcissism is no surprise because the topic is complex, requiring an education beyond five quotes on colored blocks. Maybe intentional ignorance is behind some of the insults because it allows people to use narcissism as a hip-sorta-slur, suggesting anyone writing about narcissism is one but they aren't. How edgy. Here's a distinction for my critics: my narcissism may be annoying but it never causes ptsd. That little gem of difference came to mind this morning.

Archangel by Fernando Botero

The argument made against bloggers is that we're full of ourselves and we like to hear the sound of our own voice which okay yea, there's some truth in that. I didn't recognize my own voice until writing thirty essays at which point a picture of "me" came into focus and it wasn't always comfortable. We get to know ourselves by the essays we write; our self-esteem measured by the ones we don't delete. Bloggers grow, we change, we're imperfect, we risk expressing our thoughts and feelings which is a reliable sign we're not narcissists. Ask yourself, what do you really know about a suspected narcissist? How they feel, how they think, how they live their life? Ten bucks says you know very little about them, other than the image they convey. An image they need you to believe and mirror for them. An image evoking approval of the person they purport themselves to be. But beware: this image is fragile and subject to shattering when called into question because it is based on a lie. You won't get a reasoned essay from a narcissist if you challenge their authority, you can be certain of that. And remember this: the person you suspect is a narcissist probably isn't; the one you least suspect, probably is. Narcissists excel at image management, the rest of us pretty much suck.

I've written many times about narcissist's hostility and their desire for revenge which is what you get when you threaten their distorted views of reality. I don't think there is any way to warn people about the intensity of narcissist's retaliatory rage which is wholly different from over-reacting to criticism. I might feel bad or get mad but I won't step on your face and ruin your reputation. I won't give you ptsd.

Descriptions of narcissism vary in psychological literature, but the observations clinical psychologists zero in on is "relational difficulties" in addition to personality traits. I know, you know, we all know someone who's arrogant but arrogance is easy to see. Annoying is easy to feel. Someone's arrogance won't put us in a therapist's office questioning what the hell just happened to our lives. Grandiosity, lack of empathy, idealized love, we can all identify with these criteria. The universality of the criteria renders DSM-IV somewhat meaningless without explaining the hazards of a narcissistic personality for others (as my readers know) and for the narcissist him or herself (as readers might not know). Suicide is a concern for people with NPD. I excerpted the following three criteria from Henry's article and there's nothing surprising really, except for number three. Which I was glad to see emphasized:

1) [narcissists] define their identity based on others’ approval
2) [narcissists] have a hard time empathizing or getting close to others
3) [narcissists] antagonize others 

I think the first two criteria are subject to interpretation and a bit wobbly in application. The third criteria, antagonism, that's the one that should force everyone's eyebrows to attention. I have described narcissists as hostile in prior articles including this one: Online Narcissists. But antagonism is great way to describe narcissist's "ill will" towards people who've criticized them, who aren't living up to the narcissist's standards, who differ from them and/or threaten their confabulated reality. (channeling a little Sam Vaknin with that last bit...) I'll expound a little on those three criteria:

1) Needing approval and recognition is something we can all lay claim to. We're social creatures, hard-wired for relationship. We need to feel appreciated and accepted by our peers. I love my readers for example.

2) The great and vast majority of people I've known in my online and face-to-face life, do not have a problem getting close to others or empathizing. They invite intimacy and have enough emotional intelligence to trust and be trusted. They crave being seen and heard beyond shallow affiliations.

3) Antagonistic does not fit most people who are cooperative and kind. There are a few folks on this planet who cannot abide my personality but it's usually after I offended them in an unforgivable manner having more to do with their mother then me, to be honest. I can pretty much count on one hand, the number of people I've antagonized face-to-face though it might take longer to list my online antagonisms since the written word is rife with misinterpretations. Give me a pot of tea and a box of Kleenex and I make friends for life. That doesn't mean I've been an easy person to love because my life has been strewn with random acts of tragedy. Like losing a baby, a hard childhood, an infidel husband, getting divorced in my fifties, my daughter's recent MS diagnosis, hey...I've cried on just as many shoulders as people have cried on mine.

During each of these life crises over a span of several decades, I have withdrawn into myself. I've been less sensitive to people's needs. I didn't remember to send birthday cards and declined invitations to dinner, to shop, to the bookstore, neglecting social proprieties. I've tended my wounds as any person should when their heart has been wrenched in two. There have been periods of time when my ego-centrism was both life-preserving and life-limiting, my sense of self solid enough to tolerate awareness and change. Eventually, wounded people restore a healthy balance. We send belated birthday cards restoring relationships that were based on good will; and we let go of the ones that were not persuaded to empathize. I know how to say "good-bye" to people who interpret my grief-filled self-focus as a personal insult or rejection. Without forgiveness, there is no relationship worth saving. In other words, antagonizing other people is not my problem.

I have known plenty of people leaving a steady stream of frustration and pain in their wake. If they had power over others, they never changed. That's because the people they hurt cowtowed like nobody's business, making sure they never offended the narcissist again. This is a sick relationship and I am sick of sick relationships, aren't you? As far as I know, dear reader who doesn't like my style, nobody cowtows to me. Not even the cat and you'd think he'd be far enough down the food chain to give me some respect. I guess he knows he's safe even if he pees on my baseboards when he's lonely.

Man and Woman by Fernando Botero

From LifeHacker: "A telltale sign of a true narcissist is the inability to tolerate challenges to their cognitive distortions (e.g. challenging their perceived grandiosity or their views on damn near anything). The narcissist will act out in some way when their cognitive distortions are challenged. Another red flag is a “trail of destruction” in their personal relationships. True narcissists will likely have a history of emotionally injuring people who have attempted to get close to them, either because the narcissist can’t establish true intimacy or because they lack the empathy to be able to engage in pro-relationship behaviours. A third sign is the propensity to exploit others for personal gain...the ends ALWAYS justify the means if the ends in question are beneficial to them." 

Drawing from this article then, these five traits are distinguishable as pathological meaning: persistent, resistant to change, and destructive.

1) Antagonistic, hostile, disagreeable (blames others; justifies hostility)
2) Distorted perceptions of reality (how dare you question and disrespect me)
3) Inability to tolerate criticism (out of proportion to precipitating event)
4) Trail of destruction (coworkers, neighbors, family, friends, bloggers)
5) Willingness to exploit to get what they want (no matter the harm to others)

Normal regular folks lapse into periods of ego-centrism but being self-centered is a reaction to circumstances (crises), it's not a state of being. The combination of all five behaviors makes for a dangerous relationship and could be life-threatening for others and the narcissist, too. We might all be narcissistic to some degree, but be careful defining other people (or yourself) as A Narcissist unless you understand the implications of this very extreme, very unhealthy, very debilitating disorder. 

Hugs,
CZ

Resources

Alan Henry on LifeHacker, Why We're So Full Of Ourselves: In Defense Of Narcissistic Qualities

An Upturned Soul, Is John a Narcissist or is John the Victim of a Narcissist?

The Narcissistic Continuum, Healthy Narcissism or Pathological Narcissism

The Narcissistic Continuum, Healthy Narcissism

The Narcissistic Continuum, Online Destructive Narcissists in forums and blogging communities