May 14, 2009

Video: Narcissistic Parent: Collateral Damage


"Being the child of a parent who has narcissistic personality disorder or is simply a narcissist is extremely challenging.

"The person grows up deferring to the parent as the main person in the room always. They are not at all allowed to feel or have problems. They are consistently having to fight for any and all attention as the parent is the only one allowed to have problems of feelings.

"This video talks about this syndrome and also about how people might begin to free themselves from this type of suffering existence in their own adult relationships."

Hugs,
CZBZ
Resources:
Thank you to HolyWaterSalt for bringing this video to my attention.

4 comments:

  1. FANTASTIC!

    I loved the part about self awareness self acknowledgment and beginning self love and how this starts one down the path of self healing!!!

    Thanks for sharing..

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  2. In what ways uncles/aunts could help their nephews/nieces who were born in a n-nest to have better childhoods?

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    Replies
    1. Great question!

      One of the greatest ways to love our nephews, nieces, (our children)is to see them. To hear them. To acknowledge their existence through active listening and awareness of their presence.

      What hurts so many children of narcissists is never being seen for who they are as individuals. Children of narcissists are often praised for what they 'do' instead of being valuable simply for 'being'. To love a child because he or she exists, is a profound gift for both the child and the adult.

      Listening to the child and validating his or her thoughts without lecturing or judging them, allows them to develop an authentic self. They are freed to figure out who they are, what they think, what they believe. When kids FEAR losing the only love sources they have (even if those sources are defective, even abusive), they shut down. They don't get to know themselves and sadly repeat the same behaviors their narcissistic parents may have learned in order to survive.

      I believe that another person can make a huge difference. Take interest in the child and really get to know who the child is without rejecting them. I think this is something any adult can do and it will reaffirm the value of the child's life even though their circumstances at home are invalidating.

      Another thing I have done is to 'connect' that child into the family. In other words, let them know where they fit in with a long line of ancestors...to help them see how valuable their life is and where they belong. Children-of-narcissists feel disconnected so tying them into place with 'us' reaffirms their value, importance and permanence.

      Some narcissistic families won't allow their children to 'connect' with outsiders, even relatives. So sending a personal card on birthdays might be one way to let them know they're cared for and thought about.

      Anything that gives them a sense of connection and value would help. There's a lot of discussion about 'inflating' kid's self-esteem which is why I've taken a different route than telling them their special or unique.

      Uniqueness (being special) sets them apart from others and that (in my opinion) is dangerous. They already feel disconnected. So bring them into your heart. Give them a secure space by seeing, hearing, and allowing them to be themselves.

      Good question...definitely worth more than a quick reply!

      Hugs,
      CZ

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