An essay on unsightly gardens
Mary, Mary Quite Contrary
How does your worthlessness grow?
With scams, shams & "no thank you ma'ams"
And insults lined up in a row
Mary Quite Contrary created a beautiful garden cultivated from an imagination fueled by passion for flowers. An occasional weed interfering with her garden plan was not a problem. Mary could pluck a single weed in two minutes flat. Three weeds took more energy but her spirit remained undaunted. She continuously steeled her eye towards the future. She could see the roses, touch the roses, and smell the roses. The key to an orderly garden was her consistent implementation of a Weed Prevention Plan. If she could keep noxious weeds from strangling the roots of delicate blossoms, she was sure to reap the rewards of her labor---every ounce of energy and minute of her time would be worth it.
Mary, Mary Quite Contrary
How does your worthlessness grow?
With scams, shams & "no thank you ma'ams"
And insults lined up in a row
Mary Quite Contrary created a beautiful garden cultivated from an imagination fueled by passion for flowers. An occasional weed interfering with her garden plan was not a problem. Mary could pluck a single weed in two minutes flat. Three weeds took more energy but her spirit remained undaunted. She continuously steeled her eye towards the future. She could see the roses, touch the roses, and smell the roses. The key to an orderly garden was her consistent implementation of a Weed Prevention Plan. If she could keep noxious weeds from strangling the roots of delicate blossoms, she was sure to reap the rewards of her labor---every ounce of energy and minute of her time would be worth it.
Mary lost herself in thoughts about the future when gnarly stems suddenly tugged at her skirt. She leaned forward pulling a handful of bindweed from the soil and felt a slight headache developing behind her left eye. “O, my!” she thought to herself. “I’m a very busy woman! I don’t have time for a headache.” Determined to prune her roses before the daylight faded, she yanked several more weeds then stood up to view the horizon.
“Ah, I can almost smell the sweet air already!” she sighed. “These flowers had better be everything my Burpee’s catalog said they would be." Then, she spied a thickened patch of knotweed, stinging nettle and quack grass. By this time, Mary was tired. It had been a long day and she didn’t even remember what roses looked like anymore. Mary just wanted to go to bed and start over in the morning.
“Maybe the weeds will disappear tonight," she sighed hopefully.
Still tossing and turning at 2:00 a.m., Mary could not quit worrying. "My garden is so unsightly! Maybe, at the very least, I stopped the biggest weeds from seeding. Those suckers spread like crazy and before a girl even realizes what's happened, her garden turns into a brier patch."
At this point, worn-out Mary was too tired to be contrary. She was obsessing on weeds that weren’t even there.
Still tossing and turning at 2:00 a.m., Mary could not quit worrying. "My garden is so unsightly! Maybe, at the very least, I stopped the biggest weeds from seeding. Those suckers spread like crazy and before a girl even realizes what's happened, her garden turns into a brier patch."
At this point, worn-out Mary was too tired to be contrary. She was obsessing on weeds that weren’t even there.
What is it about Mary?
Well, you know the cliché: "If they can get you to ask the wrong question, they don’t have to worry about the answer."
It’s embarrassing to admit an oppressor we called ‘beloved’ had pushed us around. Most of us are self-blaming if we failed to keep peace in the household or, nurture the healthy growth of a family’s mental health. Whether we cop to gender socialization or not, women continue to be responsible for the psychological well being of their families. Even as daughters, parents expect our devotion; whether or not said parents deserve our loyalty and respect. In general, women accept their roles as primary caretakers for elderly parents whose care taking skills of their own children had been neglectful, even abusive. Women frequently provide care for their spouse’s parents, too.
The implicit assumption that women are the glue to familial relationships holds her accountable for the demise of a compromised, even corrupted system. While traditional roles are being deconstructed, female socialization continues to persuade women to dedicate her efforts towards the benefit of the family system: a subordination of self that is not always reciprocated by her partner. Thus, the quality of her decision to stay is determined by his choice to reject joint responsibility for the creation and maintenance of family.
If longevity determines the ‘success’ of a partnership, her commitment for staying-the-course is deemed virtuous. “What a courageous, wise woman! She never gave up!”
The implicit assumption that women are the glue to familial relationships holds her accountable for the demise of a compromised, even corrupted system. While traditional roles are being deconstructed, female socialization continues to persuade women to dedicate her efforts towards the benefit of the family system: a subordination of self that is not always reciprocated by her partner. Thus, the quality of her decision to stay is determined by his choice to reject joint responsibility for the creation and maintenance of family.
If longevity determines the ‘success’ of a partnership, her commitment for staying-the-course is deemed virtuous. “What a courageous, wise woman! She never gave up!”
If her partner does not reciprocate mutual commitment, her decision to stay is deemed pathological. “What a dependent, weak woman! She never gave up!”
Pathologise: “To view or characterize as medically or psychologically abnormal”
Pathologizing a man as a narcissist offers explanation and excuse for his behavior. Pathologizing a woman for being his partner accomplishes the same thing. He is excused of responsibility for his behavior and she is accountable for allowing him to behave the way he does. It’s a specious enterprise to judge a woman’s choices based on another person’s agency. If the relationship ends, she feels guilty and ashamed for her inability to elicit commitment and love. This guilt and shame may only be remediable through connection with those who do reciprocate commitment and good will. For the most part, I’d have to say that social validation for her efforts to grow roses in a rock bed is not gonna happen. At least not in the short run.
Noxious Weed Seeds
Harassment, Put-Downs, Criticisms, Degradation, Belittlement, and Beratement; Undermining, Humiliation, Belittling feelings, Questioning abilities and Distorting perceptions; Physical Abuse; Sexual abuse, Fear of rape, Infidelity and Sexual coercion; Abuse of Privilege, Property destruction, Physical violence, Economic control, and Using the children; Intimidation, Threats and Physical abuse; Lack of Legal representation, Lack of financial support, Lack of psychological support, Lack of Social Support (bystander invalidation) and ultimately: Isolation.
Without context for a partner’s narcissistic behaviors, a woman ineffectively attempts to mediate conflict, unwittingly diminishing her self-esteem in the process. When a loving relationship fails to flourish, she loses faith in her capacity to impact others. The weeds grow faster than she can pluck. Her sense of self-efficacy diminishes. She assumes her spouse does not value her enough to care about changing his behavior. She battles an inner demon of worthlessness. Accepting the reality of an abusive, unchanging relationship, requires the painful sacrifice of precious illusions giving meaning and purpose to her life. The loss of her beliefs results in a temporary loss of self. If she has always identified with the feminine role, she suffers a cultural betrayal on a level so deep she no longer trusts her perceptions of reality.
According to Schneider and Sadler (2007), the long-term partner of someone with NPD "always presents with layers of post-traumatic stress disorder." With American marriages lasting 6-8 years, long-term might be any relationship lasting more than six months. If you ask an ‘x’ if their narcissistic relationship was long-term, they’ll likely say one year was an eternity.
Which is why it is pointless to ask a woman if she fears abandonment when the fundamental assumptions organizing her life are in question. Her primal fear has been consciously heightened by circumstances. Her response echoes human anxiety about isolation, urging us to foster social connections. Only after stabilizing her life, ought she be queried about residual fears. Given adequate time and compassionate support, she’ll likely say, "What I really fear is marriage." Which even said in jest, serves as justification for another pathology society is aimed to fix: Mary’s male-bashing. She is stuck. In or out of a relationship, Mary's garden is under public scrutiny.
Abuse Distorts Reality
We are susceptible to drawing false conclusions about ourselves. We define past behavior through selective lenses of hindsight. Naturally distraught with grief and loss, our past is interpreted by present emotions leading to distorted perceptions of helplessness, denial, subservience, etc. We view ourselves as broken because of our inability to successfully nurture an intimate relationship: a cultural mandate haunting us like a judgmental super-ego.
My experiences with women like myself have elicited concerns about the credibility of psychological profiles on women who are either in a narcissistic relationship or too soon out. Unhealthy symptoms most likely result from the situational construct; these symptoms are not evidence of a character disorder or mental illness. At this point, there is not enough research to conclude a woman’s unhealthy symptoms preceded her abuse.
However, current research suggests a correlation between abuse and abusers' pre-existing disorders. Healey, Smith and Sullivan (1998) report, "personality disorders usually mentioned by therapists who work with batterers are anti-social personality disorder, narcissism and borderline personality disorder."
I think women’s identification with nurturing attributes ought not be subordinated to masculine values of independence, autonomy and firm boundaries. Most women I know did not tolerate abuse because of masochistic helplessness or martyrdom; but because of her appreciation for the helping role: to care for others; to nurture and support. And I sincerely hope independence, autonomy, and firm boundaries are not the standard by which we pathologise women's experience. Before determining pathological behavior or codependency, it's important to consider the significance of socialization. Nurturing skills facilitate the healthy construction of functional systems but these very same attributes are manipulated, distorted, and demeaned by abusive people.
Her attributes aren’t dysfunctional; the abuser is dysfunctional.
To be sure, when my spouse was plucked like a stinkweed from the center of my garden, his absence left a gaping hole. But rather than fill the empty space with another man, I planted two dainty feet instead. The only way to stop a Robinia Idahoensis from blooming is to cut her down at the knees, which is exactly what happened to this Mary Quite Contrary. But no matter. She came back from her roots, blossoming more profusely than she ever had before.
Hugs to all,
CZBZ
Resources
Schneider, Mary Frances & Sadler, Wendy. Therapy with the Partner of an Individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The Journal of Individual Psychology, Vol. 63, No. 2, Summer 2007
Healey, Kerry & Smith, Christine & O'Sullivan, Chris. 1998. Batterer Intervention: program approaches and criminal justice strategies. U.S. Department of Justice.
Janoff-Bulman, Ronnie. 1997. Shattered Assumptions: Towards a New Psychology of Trauma. The Free Press, New York, NY.
Family Education. Aging Parents: Moving into the Caretaking Stage
Our Bodies, Ourselves. Midlife and Menopause.
Mothers and Psychological Well-Being
Power and Control Wheel
CZBZ~
ReplyDeleteHugs back and well done, Mary... ;-)
Thank you, Ms. Katherine! Because I read so much, connecting the dots to my personal experience is essential. This is how writing an essay helps me sort out what I 'think' and then it gets easier to make sense of my life.
ReplyDeleteSo thank you for reading that big ol' essay, though. I'd like to write more succinctly but there's just so much to say!!
Hugs,
CZBZ
No kidding! I always feel like I have only scratched the surface when I post a blog. ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou have described my dilemma and suffering precisely. It was a 19-yr marriage... don't see how to come back from the empty husk he kicked into the corner (his old spider web). Ironically, I too was trying to build a beautiful garden. Wanted to nurture, and was punished for it. The emotional and psychological abuse escalated to insane levels at the end, because I wouldn't give him what he wanted, the perfect excuse. Why don't people see what we see, behind the closed doors? The disguise seems seamless.
ReplyDeleteIs it possible to be a real person again? I have been wondering - he left 1 yr ago (still have frequent contact because of child). I sometimes feel my life is permanently ruined. The only progress has been from the complete and total devastation of my self esteem when he said he was going. Some progress since then (go to work ,etc.) But, what is the point? I'm mid-50's in age, worn out, fighting bitterness and despair. The usual financial issues, and just beginning to realize the extent of his lies (constant) and slander (pervasive and sneaky). What a transition, from husband and love of life, to viewing him as frightening and repulsive spider.
"The emotional and psychological abuse escalated to insane levels at the end..."
ReplyDeleteMy hope is to offer information to people in order to stop the escalation of insanity when the narcissist devalues and discards his or her nearest and dearest. It's important to understand a partner or parent's inability to reciprocate forgiveness, compassion, commitment, responsibility, just to name a few of the 'finer' attributes of a healthy person.
If we educate ourselves about pathological narcissism, we can eradicate some of the obsession and confusion as to WHY narcissists behave the way they do.
I kept thinking that if I said the right thing, did the right thing, found the right answer for HIS problems, that our relationship could be saved.
The more forgiving and compassionate we are, the crueler narcissists become in order to justify their irresponsible behavior. In most cases, the hard cold reality we resist is: the Narcissist simply does not care about anyone but him or herself.
"I sometimes feel my life is permanently ruined."
I felt the SAME WAY and couldn't imagine being contented with my life. It's almost surprising to reclaim myself several years later and not keep questioning what I had done wrong. Like this essay says, "What's wrong with Mary that her garden is so unsightly?" ha!
Because I work online with other N-survivors, I believe it's important to write about the healing process once we have moved through the initial stages of self-blame and worthlessness.
That's why Mary Quite Contrary was written into existence---a reminder to everyone that This Too Shall Pass. That we cannot and should not pathologize ourselves, though it's very common to Blame Ourselves.
It takes time to restore our equilibrium and most people move on with their lives and stop writing. I hope my blog will encourage people to face their fears and trust in the gift they just received: Liberation from the narcissistic relationship.
I will say though, it has taken six years for me to see my divorce as a gift...it's been a very tough row to hoe.
Hugs,
CZBZ
"Most women I know did not tolerate abuse because of masochistic helplessness or martyrdom; but because of her appreciation for the helping role: to care for others; to nurture and support."
ReplyDeleteI challenge this by saying..I don't think a woman is tolerating abuse because of the above but because her sense of self and identification of self in terms of being care taker is out of balance.
There is a blindness (naive) , a partial impairment on the senses that requires attention.
The development of self care should be equal to care of others. Now this is my belief. I think if woman took that same ammount of exterior care of others and put it to herself ...THINGS WOULD REALLY CHANGE. The lack of is cultural upbringing.
I see it every day...women overly identified with the care of others and practice a very limited response to self...like feed the baby and your job as woman is done.This continues on with nourishing others and not employing energies to new growth as an individual human with more jobs and not solely a care taker. This is not on purpose they just don't have any other job presented...such as self protection and self care.
I am not saying that the core of woman is not nuturence but why is it that woman tend to dispose of self for the care of others when ultimately that choice decreases their opportunity to be more affective at the task of care taking????.
as in the care taker is injured by the abuser...she ct not constructively on this but rather pours even more energy into those care taking shoes (over identification- momentary relief) as if this is going to solve the situation. NOT. Wounded care taker.
One must take care of the tool in order to use the tool.
so your comment above is underdeveloped in terms of "because of her appreciation for the helping role: to care for others; to nurture and support."
When a woman realizes that her natural instinct to nurture is
worth self care..then she is managing her business of nurturing. fully. Passion for any creative act is perfect but to ignore soul beneath that passion is not tending to the responsibility of self and only others.
there is no fault in this...it is all abut learning , growing and becoming that much more of who we are.
Oppression has much to do with the reason why women are underdeveloped in other areas. Areas which would make there instinct to nurture seen as sacred and respected.
Over identifying with care taker robs others self parts of energies and leave one vulnerable to predators.
I think no woman intends to harm her self through the care taking instinct...but something is missing ...other instincts are not being embraced and remained uncultivated.
Peace :o)
“I challenge this by saying I don't think a woman is tolerating abuse because of the above but because her sense of self and identification of self in terms of being care taker is out of balance.”
ReplyDeleteAnd nothing throws people more off-balance than partnering with narcissist. Ha! We expect mutual cooperation in complimentary roles. By the time we realize something is ‘off’, we are emotionally committed or married, share children, a home, financial ties, etc. The harder we try, the lower our self-esteem since nothing we do changes the problem. Looking inward for answers (codependency theories) exacerbates the problem because the problem is not inside; it’s Out There.
I think looking ‘inward’ is the weakness of psychoanalysis when the solution to the problem requires institutionalized change (outward analysis). Until we take a bird’s eye view of the whole system, we erringly isolate individuals by pathologizing them as dysfunctional.
“I am not saying that the core of woman is not nurturance but why is it that woman tend to dispose of self for the care of others when ultimately that choice decreases their opportunity to be more affective at the task of care taking?”
First of all, I’m not a gender essentialist. That would be too easy. Regardless of gender, I think human beings are instinctively nurturing but socialization directs us toward gender-specific tasks. Theoretically, humans work together ensuring the survival of family and community (complementary roles). I don’t accept the leap of logic suggesting women are naturally endowed with nurturing instincts more than men; but the way we are socialized has an impact on the manner in which we express care-taking instincts. What we also need to consider is the existing system and how we derive meaning and satisfaction from prescribed roles within that system. Many women feel good about themselves because of their strong identification with the female gender. How well they fulfilled what they considered to be their purpose, sustained their self-esteem. Maybe taking care of others is taking care of herself? I think I understand your point, though. We need balance.
If we are partnered with someone who does not reciprocate nurturance and may even qualify as an ‘Abuser’, well, then we open a can of worms as to why women stay in abusive relationships. There are social and economic realities for her to consider. Though it’s much more complicated to recognize the ‘system’ (like a fish not seeing water in the tank). Maybe we need to hold numerous factors in tandem at the same rather than personalizing her situation as a deficiency.
Besides, is there such a thing as an Authentic Human Being and what does that look and act like? Are we taking the Male Norm and suggesting deviation is less than authentic? If women are not ‘independent’, how does she portray authenticity?? As you can see, I have far more questions than answers.
Hugs,
CZBZ
Hi CZBZ,
ReplyDeleteWoW, I really do have a lot to say in response. I don't have questions such as yourself. I would like to be able right now to draw up the equation that is in my head from all of the learning.
I will start here.
"I think looking ‘inward’ is the weakness of psychoanalysis when the solution to the problem requires institutionalized change (outward analysis). Until we take a bird’s eye view of the whole system, we erringly isolate individuals by pathologizing them as dysfunctional."
Looking inward is not about phychoanalysis...it is about looking for what is underdeveloped within a person ...certain innate tools that were not nourished and did not grow (result of exterior).
Not about pathologizing an individual.
i can honestly say that I have been dysfunctional. Is it that scary to say and then fix things right? I am not saying dysfunctional as in disorder or something unchangeable or innately wrong with a person/mind/soul. It is more like one arrives for a job and never got a chance to take the 3rd course studies and falls behind on the job since they don't know all that is required. More like being dysfunctional- illiterate. Ones mind can learn to read but at the moment it can not and so much information is lost. the person was not exampled not taught.
It is not a issue with mind or soul just the development due to socialization..the exterior. So much of what is humanly necessary to function in this world is taken away from women...as I said due to oppression..keeping females helpless and powered over.By no means is a woman at fault but none the less the identification of care taker is well pronounced where as other elements of being female are undernourished if not starved.
It is that patriarchal over load which over kills the other voices.
I find it easy to see that my culture, my care takers taught me one thing and left a whole lot of other stuff out. It stands true to this day so I go other places to learn that which my care takers were unable to teach. It is not like pointing a finger and faulting a woman. Precisely not. It point directly to the exterior and its dysfunction first...which in turn becomes the dysfunction of the peoples/individual. does this clarify what I am saying? at that point one is to go internal to do the work because the idea of changing society begins with individual change.
Now I am glad to go inward and take a look at what is underdeveloped and missing.
Of course males and females are both capable of nurturing...that is natural. On the whole it seems to me that women have carried more of the job and made up for what the men have not been doing. This is imbalance. It equals imbalance in both M & F and creates suffering for all. this comment is not in regards to Narcissism either.
I do understand the trap that is established when one has children and is married to a narc. The self esteem wears down and it furthers the entrapment. It is that catch , that clue that is not seen or valued or motivated on in the beginnings that is in question here.
It is that certain place where because of the predicament one is not able to see the whole, the possibilities because of dependentcy issues and lack of internal tools and information.
That would be the dysfunction or malfunction & with out tools of empowerment.
To me it looks rather simple. I am fed poisonous foods. I eat them and become toxic. I must first go inward to get rid of the toxins and learn where to eat and where not to eat and if that means to understand thoroughly the toxicity of my cultures system..so be it. With in and with out.
With in an overly patriarchal system Male establish less vulnerabilities and females become more vulnerable.Helplessness increases with females and control and power increases for males. The thinking conditions that create the polarizations are destructive...a narcissist is the epitome of this polarization. Which is a male so in denial of vulnerability...to be vulnerable means death there for live a life of powering over to create the illusion that one is invulnerable.
There is a difference between being defective and deficient. Yet both create dysfunction. One is changeable , fixable. Hope this rescues my point.
With in the history of psychiatric evaluation Freud was to take his research and theories to public. when he did so he did claim that the problem at hand "hysteria" was on the behalf of the woman and neurosis. Well, this went public and it further contributed to the lack of awareness and information on society. this still runs its course as of today. when i read the article about this it was discovered that he had lied. He lied to save his AZZ. Because what was in his writings was far different from what he proposed to the public. If the public was informed of the truth he would have been canned and he knew it.His true findings were that of a male dominated society where incest and other mental and physical abuses were rampant and women were basically falling apart. DUH. this was only discovered later. So, psychoanalytic structures vary.
I tend to go with more modern stuff because Freud made so many mistakes and that is OK.
I find in many worlds of science and art things have really grown.
the whole fault being put on something innately wrong, defective on the womans part is historical and out of date.
Up-2-Date:
As an aside just to create an idea of how the faculties of a female are created... How exactly females are disempowered and on a cognitive level. Last time I visited my mothers home, upon departure she tells me to "be careful". Now I am 43 years old as of March 31st. I have been living on my own for over a decade, more like14 or 15 years, with out a man at my side. I am viewed as being more vulnerable and essentially helpless where as my brother would be bid a pleasant drive home.Point is...the conditioning of fear and excessive vulnerability with out a means or tool to protect is still on going.
While bidding a daughter care by saying "be careful" is not necessarily a bad thing it is non nutritious. Life isn't safe PERIOD! what I need not is to be told that I have no means of self protection that i am a leaf in the wind..I am not. I have skill and I have resources. While females tend to look up at ..males are taught how to look down at. They are empowered with the knowledge that they have strength to over come ad a will to endure. the very opposite of what females ingest...and yet women are quite capable and strong even though something other is taught through words and example. Women are warriors as well but this has been lost/stolen and needs to be found. that is where the inner work comes into play. THIS IS AN ENORMOUS FACTOR THAT COMES INTO PLAY WHEN DEALING WITH A NARCISSIST.
If we woman were brought up encountering , familiarizing, getting acquointed, learning, exampled other strength besides the strength and power to nurture... the response to a narc would have been entirely different.
Yet the protective measures placed on a woman through her developed/perceived helpless state has replaced the swords and the other implements for survival in a world which includes predators.
This points to internal structures that are necessary and the creation of...not simply analysis.
Thats all for now.
Cheers :o) Anonymous eyes
I understand what you are saying about the Inward Journey, which is essential for recovery from any narcissistic relationship, including narcissistic parents.
ReplyDeleteMy reference to 'psychoanalyzing' was about looking outward to where our efforts to grow and mature might be stunted because of the RELATIONSHIP. In fact, many people continue growing in spite of the N-relationship but dang if it's not ten times harder than it oughta be! I think this is why professionals encourage people to separate from the narcissist for a while (No Contact). At least we have a reprieve from the constant craziness...pushing us two steps backwards for each step we move forward.
You Wrote: "at that point one is to go internal to do the work because the idea of changing society begins with individual change."
True! My concern is that while people are being driven inwards for solutions, outward change, essential change, won’t happen. Not because you aren’t willing to do your bit for justice, Eyes, but because people alleviate themselves of social responsibility by suggesting this is an Inward Journey Only.
I probably went off a little bit on my reply to you but it bothers me to listen to psychobabble suggesting Abuse is a personal issue. That the abused person ‘allowed’ the abuse to happen because without his or her participation, the abuser would have no one to hit. Fact is, SOCIETY allows abuse to happen and whether this is because we have a patriarchal construction or not, it is conscienceless to ignore the victims of a system that uses violence to maintain control. So my point was not to disagree with yours, but to step it up a bit and suggest that the Abusive Family is everybody’s problem, not just those who are trapped in the family.
This has been my concern although I’m beginning to see that most people, who are driven towards an Inward Journey of Self, open their hearts to other people and DO take responsibility to promote social change and stop predators rather than rewarding them.
You also wrote: "To me it looks rather simple. I am fed poisonous foods. I eat them and become toxic. I must first go inward to get rid of the toxins and learn where to eat and where not to eat and if that means to understand thoroughly the toxicity of my cultures system..so be it. With in and with out."
I LOVE THIS. Perfect description! I guess this fits with No Contact but first of all, we need to spot Toxic People and slow down the poisoning long enough to get healthy again. If we’re peering into a microscope naming every pathological bacteria in our gut while we’re ignoring the N-Chef bringing the soup to our table, we’ll never get better.
I say: Name the Narcissist and then, name what ails ya. But don’t get it backwards.
As far as patriarchy goes, gee whiz, where do I start? I think most people fear saying the word because they think it means they are criticizing men. NO. Patriarchy is a system and everyone is impacted by it. Of course, patriarchy privileges masculinity (not so much for all males; only IF they represent patriarchy’s ideals). I was listening to a guy only yesterday and I felt he was quite balanced in his discussion about patriarchy. Let me find the link to his interview for you. You may have read some of his writing already: Alan Johnson. He wrote ‘The Gender Knot’ which I’ve not read, but it’s on order now. Ha!
I’ll post the url to his interview in a little bit.
Hugs,
CZBZ
"The Gender Knot: Unraveling our Patriarchal Legacy" by Dr. Allan Johnson
ReplyDeleteHe has several video interviews you can watch on this webpage:
http://uhaweb.hartford.edu/agjohnson/
If you haven't already listened to Dr. Johnson, I think you'll really enjoy what he has to say about Systems of Privilege.
By the way, I think talking about Patriarchy and Systems of Privilege have everything to do with Narcissism. So thank you for bringing up the topic, Eyes!
Hugs,
CZBZ
Thanks 4 the link :o)
ReplyDeleteI knew we were on the same page.
Let me clarify the internal work. In term of what I have done and am doing..call it reclaiming self...I think that has to be done for the action to take place on the outside.
I am going to make a grand assumption here in term of relationship, male female and females not breaking the mold of patriarchy. aside from Narcissistic situations, the general populous who is responsible for abuse as are leaders are not taking complete action. I find this to be true. For the most part women (men) are not fighting for this because to some degree or another they are comfortably NUMB. Those who have survived a Narcissistic trauma are far more on the ball.
Nothing is discussed at the dinners I go out to with friends. I say nothing is being done because for the most part the internal stuff isn't done or even approached. There is something to give up in order to revolution. People do not like being uncomfortable and if it does hurt you then why fix it.
Ignorance.
here is another clue..peoples interior awareness is the same as their external awareness. Those of us who dealt with a narcissist have been forced to awareness, the way it usually happens.
When a human is challenged with any sort of earth shattering experience natural disaster etc, that is when the psyche has to evolve or rather transform. Other wise the person shuts down, goes mad etc...
I think emotional abuse is something to educate on, that is for sure. but how many people live with it day in day out with out even knowing???