Morality Bites

 Caravaggio's David and Goliath

In preparation for this post, I researched articles and books for a simple definition of morality. This resulted in more questions than answers. Are women's morals superior to men's? Have religious people cornered the market on morality? Is social morality based on human being’s innate sense of right-and-wrong? Do we have Universal Morals for human behavior, or do morals evolve from culture to culture?

It finally occurred to me that setting a goal like writing about Moral Absolutes and Moral Relativity was so far over my head---I couldn't hit it armed with a pocketful of rocks and David's slingshot.

So, I'll write about what morality means to me since I don't have a philosophy or theology degree backing up my commentary. And in 2008, when human morality is the basis of scientific brain studies, I don't have credentials authorizing me to say there is a neurobiological foundation to moral behavior. But I'll tell you that anyway and throw in a few quotes and links for those who are inclined towards scientific explanations as to how narcissistic self-interest is trumped by our breathtaking capacity for altruistic, empathic and compassionate behavior. An internalization of what we call the Golden Rule: doing unto others, as we would have them do unto us.

“Morality is the alleviation of suffering for others.”

Several years ago, I heard this definition on a radio broadcast. It changed my perspective foreverafter by viewing the moral person as being other-serving. This definition was in direct contrast to moral piety serving the narcissistic self-image of religious perfection, holy sanctity and better-than-thou-superiority. In my experience, religiosity increases other people’s suffering; which by this definition, is the opposite of morality.

I know at least one or two holier-than-thou’s and you probably do, too. Holy folks defining moral virtue as strict obedience to absolutes like abstinence or a literal adherence to the law, killing the spirit entirely---but they don't seem to notice. Their judgmental attitudes towards themselves extend to judging others most likely struggling with complex situations in which there are no ‘right’ or easy answers. Morality, in that case, would demand the holy-moly put down the shield of piety and empathize. Immorality could be defined as standing like righteous sentinels refusing to lower the self to No-Right-Answer situations. Maybe we develop virtue when right answers are determined by our willingness to struggle with uncertainty?

Going for the Gold

“The deepest foundation on which morality is built is the phenomenon of empathy, the understanding that what hurts me would feel the same way to you.” ~Jeffrey Kluger

Reflecting on morality as other-serving made sense to me after raising two children who tested my ability to transform golden rules into explicit commandments protecting one another’s freedom. In our household, I defined the law according to Mom, the law according to Community, and nothing but the law according to God who holds everyone accountable, even mothers superior.

After a particularly feisty afternoon in the family kitchen, I put my implicit knowledge into terms simple enough for a child’s understanding (but evidently too complex for adult narcissists since they define morality as: the alleviation of suffering for their EGOS).

I dared stand in the middle of an ensuing brouhaha and said to my quarreling daughter, "Thou shalt not hit thy brother over the head with thy Barbie doll, for he suffereth; and Thou shalt be chastised for disobedience to the golden rule as will henceforth be enforced by thy governess."

That seemed to work fairly well though my tenacity teaching The Golden Rule was tested more than once while both kids learned the meaning of suffereth-ing. Enforcing consequences established limitations on two budding narcissists, reinforcing empathic consideration for their victim’s pain. Eventually, they matured enough to experience guilt for misbehavior as defined by Mom who instigated immediate consequences, such as: isolating them to a corner in the family room. The agony of their tearful remorse exceeded impulsive satisfaction exercising brute force in the realization of their end goal: he who has the most toys wins.

Mom disapproved of kids using each other like punching bags which meant it was highly unlikely they’d get dessert that night. Consistency with the enforcement of consequences meant results would never change, if they kept doing what they were doing, if you know what I mean!

If I had known everything then I now know about narcissism, good parenting and Freudian psychology, I’d never have chosen to be a mother. Much less become a single married mother teaching moral development to two kids and a husband with a learning-deficit.

“The capacity to feel contempt, anger, disgust, shame, embarrassment, guilt, compassion, gratitude, and elevation may or may not separate humans neatly from other animals, but it certainly separates us from Homo economicus. Morality dignifies and elevates because it ties us all to something greater than ourselves: each other.” ~Jonathan Haidt

Most parents instinctively teach a child that bopping someone over the head is self-defeating. No kid worth his egotism will share toys with someone who uses toys as weapons. I’m now learning parents also enhance children’s moral development when we allow them to tolerate chagrin, remorse and yes, even guilt and shame.

Internalizing moral responsibility for self-and-other is forged by the connection between feelings and cognition. Allowing them to endure personal distress for having negatively impacted a sibling, just might establish the foundation to moral responsibility in the future. It’s not a far stretch of the imagination to see how a child’s unregulated behavior could extend to narcissistic entitlement and cold indifference to other people’s suffering. Like people causing problems for other people and then saying, "It’s not my problem." You know the type.

“Other options that need to be distinguished include the possibility that bullies lack empathy in the sense that they do not identify with, or share, the joy or sadness of other people and the possibility that they do not understand what Sutton calls the ‘moral emotions’, such as guilt, love, remorse, sympathy, and shame.” ~Davies and Stone

I had a good friend with a bit of a temper or maybe even a mood disorder, who knows. She was asked to work in the church nursery, supervising little kids. Amongst this small group of children was a boy who became the terror of the toddlers since he was endowed with a sizable set of choppers...which he used to maintain superiority. If one of the kids was playing with a toy he wanted, he used his big teeth to bite their legs, arms or any body part in the way of him getting what he wanted.

Well, one day my friend decided to put an end to Goliath’s unholy reign of terror. She picked him up, sat him on her lap, and bit him back. Bit him hard enough to make certain he’d never forget that Sunday School lesson. She was duly released from her job in the nursery, which was probably a good thing. The other good thing? The bully stopped biting. 

At least as far as I know, she nipped his narcissism in the bud when he was only four years old. It's also possible that he repressed his natural instincts in order to look like a Good Guy and is currently blaming my friend for authoritarian abuse. But I'll choose to believe her refusal to stand by and watch him brutalize playmates, was a turning point for the kid. I hope he isn't biting employees today.

Seems there’s a fair number of bullies taking chunks out of other people’s arse in the corporate world. Maybe a few of those bully-bosses should have started their careers in my friend’s nursery. I hear-tell bullies are far less likely to bite if they know other people will bite ‘em back. Hard.

After all, in the case of a biter, biting back is the moral thing to do. Right??


Hugs all,
CZBZ


Resources

Davies, Martin, & Stone, Tony. Psychological Understanding and Social Skills
http://philrsss.anu.edu.au/~mdavies/papers/tom.pdf 

Haidt, Jonathan. The Moral Emotions
http://faculty.virginia.edu/haidtlab/articles/haidt.the-moral-emotions.pdf 

Kluger, Jeffrey. What Makes us Moral
http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1685055_1685076_1686619,00.html

Pinker, Steven. The Moral Instinct
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/13/magazine/13Psychology-t.html?_r=2&pagewanted=all&oref=slogin&oref=slogin 

Tangney, June Price, & Stuewig, Jeff, & Mashek, Debra. Moral Emotions and Moral Behavior
http://www.hss.caltech.edu/~steve/Tangney.pdf