Texas translation guide & "Spot the Narcissist Test"

In case some of you were wondering why I was writing jokes about Texas, I posted about my vacation here: ACT-ing up in Texas

A Texan's Guide to Life

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story? When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacca.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men: The one that learns by reading; the few who learn by observation; the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

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Texas Phrases

"The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving"

Translation: Not overly-intelligent

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"Tighter than bark on a tree"

Translation: Not very generous

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"Big hat, no cattle"

Translation: All talk and no action

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"We've howdied but we ain't shook yet"

Translation: We've made a brief acquaintance, but have not been formally introduced.

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"He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow"

Translation: He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

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"As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party"

Translation: (self-explanatory)

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"S/He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth"

Translation: Talks a lot.

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"It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs"

Translation: We really could use a little rain around here.

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"Just because a chicken has wings don't mean it can fly"

Translation: Appearances can be deceptive.

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"This ain't my first rodeo"

Translation: I've been around awhile.

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"He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch"

Translation: not the most handsome of men.

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"They ate supper before they said grace"

Translation: Living in sin.

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"As full of wind as a corn-eating horse"

Translation: rather prone to boasting.

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"You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits"

Translation: You can say whatever you want about something but that don't change what it is

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This is a TEST for all readers of the Narcissistic Continuum:

Which Cowboy is Not a Narcissist?

Three cowboys were sitting around a campfire, out on a lonesome Texas prairie. Each man was embued with the bravado for which cowboys (and narcissists) are famous.

A night of tall tales begins.

The first cowboy says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns. With my bare hands, too."

The second cowboy couldn't stand to be bested. He bragged, "Why that's nothin'. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattlesnake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained quiet, silently stirring the coals with his bare hands.

Answer: Which cowboy was NOT a narcissist? I'll give ya one clue: the cowboy that didn't tell you who he was. He showed ya.

Hugs from Texas!

CZBZ