When I grow up, I wanna be...

"Even though it is of no use, you must keep on trying." ~Gore Vidal

"More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." ~ Woody Allen

When I grow up, I wanna be....hummmm...not sure. What I am sure of is what I don't wanna be. Maybe that's how other people narrow down their options, too. I don't know what I want but I know what I don't want.

Once my husband gave me the pink slip after my thirty-odd-year career, it was time to take stock of the person I had become. Time to create my own reality, or so metaphysicians wrote in their number-one best sellers. Time to rewrite my life. To set myself free. To blossom like a peace rose. To soar like a butterfly. Time to be everything a liberated twenty-first century woman could be if she’d only open her tearful eyes and see the plethora of riches waiting to be plucked from life’s limitless basket of rich blessings.

Golden opportunities were supposedly knocking on my door and only thing I heard was a dull thud.

I didn’t hate myself for having made the choice to be a fulltime homemaker, handyman, relocation specialist, chief cook and bottle washer, though I certainly hated the circumstances of my life. I hear tell most people face an existential crisis when CEOs replace wizened employees with ambitious upstarts energized by naiveté. My situation wasn’t worse than a lot of people’s, but it was certainly worse than some.

Even if my marriage had ‘failed’ the bigger failure to me was being permanently changed because someone I cared for, didn’t like me anymore. How do we change our self-protective reactions to rejection, abandonment or abuse? If we redefine vulnerability & kindness as weaknesses, our defensive behavior will protect us, but we limit our lives as a consequence.

When are we too defensive? When aren't we defensive enough? If we don't know what we want to be or where we're headed, how will we know when we're off-course?

I wanted to write about Healthy Narcissism, not because it’s a frivolous exercise in self-indulgence. Understanding what psychologists meant by a healthily narcissistic person bolstered my courage to be more assertive, aggressive and self-protective. Still, standing up for myself increased my uncertainty. I was fraught with anxiety that replicating what I deemed to be narcissistic would further reduce my heart to the size of a bullet.

I knew what I didn't want: to be so afraid of rejection that my ego defenses increased to an unhealthy degree. It's okay to stand up. It's not okay to stand on people’s heads.

I began looking for more information on what it meant to be healthily narcissistic as a woman. The male model for independent self-reliance didn’t quite fit with my traditional female values. There’s not much information about healthy narcissism; for the most part, everyone is warning us to avoid Ns---not how to be healthily N ourselves.

"We can consider the process of healthy growth to be a never ending series of free choice situations, confronting each individual at every point throughout his life, in which he must choose between the delights of safety and growth, dependence and independence, regression and progression, immaturity and maturity." ~Abraham Maslow

In my Elsa Ronningstam bible, Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality, she lists characteristics of normal narcissism on pages 72-73. She writes:

1-"A realistic self-appraisal of both abilities and limitations."

Okay, Elsa. I won’t be trying out for the new Jazz cheerleader position though I do have prior experience on the basketball court. At 56, I know my limitations. Thing is, anybody who has lived with a narcissist knows their limitations. If they don’t, all they have to do is ask the narcissist.

2-"The capacity to tolerate disapproval, criticism and rejection as well as realistic approval and praise of real accomplishment and successes." 

My ability to tolerate rejection is getting better. I know that’s true because two cats live with me now. There's no better example of narcissistic grandiosity than self-centered rag-tag farm cats (Who do they think they are, anyway?)

3-"Grandiose fantasies function as motivators and guidelines for achievements and goals."

This blog might fit the category of a grandiose fantasy. It’s been my goal for a few years though I set it aside for awhile. I don’t figure most folks want to read a blog brimming with exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!! and ggggrrrrrrrsssssss... 

4-"Healthy affect regulation with ability to feel self-conscious emotions such as envy, shame and pride and tolerance to feeling inferiority and humiliation, as well as to challenge and success-related excitement; ability to internal control, sense of power and constructive aggression."

I’ve been running a message board for years now. My capacity to tolerate humiliation has increased and basically, I have no pride left to protect. 

5-"Self-preservation, self-regard, and healthy entitlement involving ability to feel that one deserves what is earned and received."

I never had a problem feeling I deserved my blue ribbons. When the praises came in for my cinnamon rolls, I knew in the bottom of my heart that I merited the glory people offered. I still have a problem with not getting what I worked for (like lifetime retirement benefits) but hey, that’s a guy's free agency for ya. I’m working on it.

6-"The ability for empathy, compassion and a sense of belongingness and appreciation of commitment and mutual relationships."

Doing pretty good on this one, too. Even when my world collapsed, I asked people for help because I believed they cared. And yea, that’s another reason why this blog exists. To give back. It’s a mutual thing.

7-"Super-ego regulation involving self-approval, pride, constructive self-criticism, and a realistic balance between attainable ideals and actual capability."

Doing better on this one. It's true my Mom and Dad demanded I get myself up off the floor---pronto. Being rated by outside judges on my landing was kinda tough. I’m quite realistic about ideals that are attainable (perfection=NOT) along with an honest appraisal of my actual capability. That’s why I went back to school to learn how to type. Still working on dangling participles and prepositional placement. It’s just where I’m at.

I think when I grow old, I want to be myself. An all-the-way-to-the-core nice person; but this time: expecting to be treated as kindly as I treat others. That means I do not have to be nice to folks who don’t reciprocate and there’s no need to feel guilty about burning cinnamon rolls once in awhile.

Hugs to all,

CZBZ