Processing Grief and Loss: After a while (it gets easier)

you can end a relationship with a narcissist but it never fully ends. Not really. Not if you have children and familial bonds, linking family members for time and all eternity. 

You can work through your feelings and move on with your life. BUT (and this is true for most partners of narcissists) you can’t erase the narcissist from your life. Not if you have children, who will marry and have children, and they will want to share their lives with both parents who have become their children's grandparents. 

And there you are:

     Standing in line at your daughter’s wedding

     Waiting in the hospital for your grandchild’s birth

     Christenings and blessings and family reunions with your X

     Accepting lonely holidays when the kids are with your X

     Watching him build a new life with a supposedly ‘better’ (younger) family

     Being told of his happiness (at your children’s and your expense)

    Breathing deep when pinched pennies are spent on a new relationship. (Isn’t it nice you were  frugal for thirty years and didn't replace your lost diamond so she could have one?)

We do these things not because it's easy. We do these things because we are willing to bear our discomfort, making life much easier for our children. All these indignities and more are born with stoic grace by a woman who knows her worth. 

This poem supports me on days when it is tempting to agree with the rat bazturd's beliefs that I'm replaceable. Like a toaster oven. Or a hat rack.

After a While
by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in midflight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Hugs all,

CZBZ