February 09, 2013

Love is a Virtue, not a Feewing!


A Year of Making a Difference
As mentioned in my prior post about Leslie Steiner's TED talk, I am deeply grateful to men and  women who willingly endure ridicule, even mockery, of their victimization. The REALITY that people don't have 100% control over their lives, freaks people completely out. Especially people who want to believe self-mastery sets the course of their destiny and success or failure is directly attributable to one's self. They haven't reconciled themselves with fate, chance, the luck of the draw, or their privileges. They protect their illusion by blaming people for their circumstances which entrenches victims in even more self-blame. In the narcissistic relationship (as many of you can attest) we not only blame ourselves, we carry the burden of the narcissist's blame, too. An illegitimate, irreconcilable blame which must be returned to the person to whom it belongs. This is part of our recovery. Then this happens naturally and if it doesn't, our friends will make sure it does: "We are mad as hell and we won't take it anymore!" 

It's curious, the people who trust and love after the narcissistic relationship, the psychopathic encounter, the pathological fire-and-gasoline destructive duo. These people were spittin' bullets as some might say, brandishing machetes, beheading anyone tripping on the cobblestones in their enemy-filled path. And then one day, anger spent, hallelujah, something beautiful emerged. They had forgiven themselves and faced the reality of a world gone mad with dog-eat-dog deluded individualism and avarice. Surprising as it may seem when "newbies" begin a recovery journey and are so hurt and so angry they can't imagine not feeling that way, other people profess being MORE compassionate and loving than they were before the abusive relationship. They bear surprising witness to the transformation of childhood suffering into a wizened compassion and a broadened capacity to forgive.

Witnessing someone claim their anger to protect themselves and then let their firepower go, is pretty fascinating, even humbling. Why, when anger feels so powerful and self-righteousness so yummy, would anyone willingly lay it down for love? And why would they, after having been betrayed and abused, open themselves to being hurt again? Their intention to love and the profession of it is a curious thing when you've witnessed the trajectory of their life. By all accounts and purposes, nobody would blame them for hardening their hearts. If they carried a shield between themselves and the brutish world 'til their very last breath, we'd understand. When someone shares the cumulative details about a conniving, snake-bellied, yellow-backed and cowardly rat bazturdizing abuser, victims earn their place in the Survivor's Hall of Fame. They can stay there rent-free as far as I'm concerned. They paid their dues. But they usually aren't content to stay there.
"The best difference is to stop doing what we've always done that doesn't work for us and choose to become accountable for how we are in the world today." ~Louise 
It takes all kinds of people to help all kinds of people. Just as I joked about my comfort with anonymity, that's how it is with me and Louise. I don't mind hanging out in basements with angry  furious people because that's where each of us starts the healing journey. Besides, it's WoNderful when victims transition to survivors filling the voids their spent anger leaves behind with gratitude, hope and love. (Lesson in emptiness: voids make room for love to grow. Think about it). This is why the anger stage never worries me too much because you know the day will come when the risk to remain tight in a bud of indignation is more painful than the risk it takes to love. *wink*


The love Louise talks about is not the reductive variety based on the Pleasure Principle. In other words, if somebody makes you feel good, you love 'em; when you stop feeling good, you don't. There's a lot of tom-foolish wrongheadedness in narcissistic societies viewing love as more of a game than a virtue. Love as a virtue, consciously practiced and intentionally directed, resides in the will, not our fleeting emotions. The following scripture comes to mind when talking about Louise and I hope it's not inappropriate to say so.

1 Corinthians 13 (Audio Link) "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
"Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. 
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 

I was there when Louise stumbled into a Narcissism Forum overwrought with anger at her abuser and crushing self-blame for her choices. She has stared into the glass darkly---make no mistake of that.




Love,
CZ


Resources

Blogs by Louise: 


           A Year of Making a Difference 

           A Poetry Affair
          
           Recover Your Joy

1 Corinthians 13: 9-13. The Bible, New International Version

Mindfulness. Wikipedia 








10 comments:

  1. Hi CZ,
    What an inspiring talk and an inspiring woman. I think pain can make people grow or make them shrink, depending on many different factors. Those who grow are an example to the rest of us. I'm going to check out her blogs and her book too, if I can find it.

    Thanks for posting this,

    Kitty

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    1. Grow or shrink...exactly! It's an intuitive awareness. There's an inner awareness that we're meeting the devil at the crossroads---I can go this way or that and sometimes 'that way' is more inciting. It's more seductive being lured by hate and revenge as 'righteous' pursuits. But you are changed by the journey, the end result depending on the path taken.

      Sometimes we start out on the "Revenge" path but double-back to the crossroads when we don't have enough hate to sustain our journey. Or we have too much empathy to hurt someone as much as we were hurt by them...or I dunno. Is this decision even conscious?

      Most of the time, it feels like I'm straddling both paths. ha! I try to be as conscious as possible and when I'm doing something that doesn't align with my values and principles, ask myself 'why'. Why would that be okay for me to do, but not someone else?

      I think Louise's story, and her persistence in lovingkindness, is a valuable model for people who might be standing at a crossroads. If choices are limited to two (either/or) and sometimes choices are polar opposites, Louise says, "Pick Love." That doesn't mean everything we do will be loving, but our intentions will redirect us if we stray off-path. And yes, this can invite self-deception if we have narcissistic traits/fleas. Honesty, such as keeping a blog, will offer a "reality check" if our professed values and principles aren't sufficient. IF we have supportive friends, they'll offer valuable feedback too; and if they're true friends, we won't always like it.

      Hummm...I'm getting awfully long-winded on this so maybe a post would help me verbalize my intuitive understanding? I tend to be less articulate than intuitive and often don't even question why something feels 'right' or 'wrong'. That's the privilege of a reliable conscience that doesn't go through a checklist, or follow a road map. I never take my conscience for granted anymore---a sentiment most likely shared by the majority of my recovery peers, I'm sure.

      Love,
      CZ

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  2. CZ, this is a wonderful post, and Louise is an inspiration. The idea that love is a virtue, not something you say, but a series of actions taken repeatedly, over time, consistently, is not often realized. ACoNs may have parents who say the words, but they ring hollow. Love is a disposition toward action. If it's just something someone says they feel, despite behavior that doesn't bear that out, then it is not love. The decision to stay open to people is just that, a choice. And it's not easy after what some of us have experienced. thanks for writing this. love CS

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    1. Dear CS,

      You are so right and you are so succinct. (Succinctness being something I may never achieve in this lifetime. *grin*) I appreciate your statement: "Love IS a Disposition Towards Action. If it's just something someone says they feel...then it is not love."

      Anyone who has loved someone with a narcissistic personality, understands that love WITHOUT ACTION is valueless. Narcissists have a shallow interpretation of love based on how they "feel". Narcissistic love is selfish and ephemeral, an unreliable foundation for creating a trustworthy relationship. We'll figure out quick enough if someone truly loves us when things get tough. When they don't "feel" particularly loving towards us. Or we get fat. ;-P

      I never thought to question someone's definition of love but it might have saved some pain had I done that. OR, if I hadn't been quite so naive and noticed their "pattern of behavior" AFTER disagreements and disappointments (which we all have, it's inevitable). If someone sets an intention to love, they will be open to reconciliation, forgiving of self and other. They will be approachable and remorseful.

      People who immediately devalue-and-discard the other person, are not Loving Souls even if they write dissertations on love that bring audiences to tears and we all buy their books and CDs and wanna be like them.

      The problem is discernment. We assume someone is 'strong' if they discard people for not measuring up to their standards. "Wow, she won't put up with anybody's shit! I wanna be like her!" (until they don't wanna be like her 'cuz now they're on her shit-list and reconciliation isn't any more possible than saving one's pride).

      Love,
      CZ

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  3. Okay, so..... I am speechless and humbled and honoured and just dang overwhelmed!

    Thank you CZ. Ya know, I remember those first days and weeks and months of finding my way on the keyboard, letting the words flow out, letting my fear and anger and sorrow and shame and pure hatred release itself so that I could uncover the Love that lives at the core of my being.

    And you were there. You with your laughter, your self-deprecating sense of humour, your wisdom, your 'get a plant, if it lives 6 months, get a fish' philosophy.

    and here we are, 10 years later.

    Wow.

    Thank you my dear friend. I am touched, deeply.

    And for Kitty -- if she wants a PDF of the book, I'll gladly email it to her. The publisher is out of business and I am now 'the publisher' and am reworking the original version and not reprinting the original -- at least not at the moment.

    Much love and gratitude my dear friend.

    Louise

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    1. Hi Louise, you are an inspiration, as is CZ, because you have been working at this for so many years and have come out with a generous spirit and mind intact. One of the reasons that I decided I trusted CZ, early on in my newbie venture of blogging (which turned rocky quickly, as you know) was precisely because I could read her track record, I could hear her consistency of "voice" and attitude. Even in much earlier posts, there was always an equanimity there despite whatever local or momentary anger inspired a theme, despite severe hurt. One can hear the voice of the heart and soul emerge over time. The two of you have a strong history, and that reinforces my sense that an investment of trust in her was wise and rock solid. Congratulations to you on emerging on the other side of a tunnel from hell, and thriving. love CS

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    2. Dearest Louise of the Dandelion Spirit,

      I remember writing a long post to you many years ago on the NPD forum, comparing you to a celadon-green bowl of delicate (but strong)porcelain. I found that message the other day because once in a while, I yield to someone's request to collect a series of my posts in a single volume which is scary since I've written over 100K messages to people and if that doesn't terrify the tar out of you, they were L-O-N-G messages. That's why I came across a few of our conversations and it was a very teary afternoon, you can be sure of that.

      "What are you doing, Auntie?" my nephew asked.

      "Just remembering how broken I was", I tell the boy with Aspergers. He probably feels amazingly good about himself because he's seen me at my worst and loves me anyway. Which means (and this should validate any newbies reading this thread), that we don't have to be PERFECT to be loved. We don't have to be KIND all the time, or understanding all the time. We can have lousy days, too and we can get fat. And we are STILL lovable.

      Oh how horrible it is when we're trying to get love from someone who doesn't have it to give. We will KNOW without a doubt that we're in a narcissistic relationship when we keep asking "Why, oh WHY didn't s/he love me??" Then we notice how many hoops we were leaping, how many lists of shortcomings we were dealing with and it dawns on us that love cannot be earned like a promotion.

      I decided at a certain point in my love-hate relationship with Recovery, to pick Love. To insist on love even if people took advantage of me (which they did and have and do occasionally). You Louise, are a continual reminder that LOVE is an action followed through with daily practice.

      If we see that, we can be that, if we do that. How's that for a slogan? Maybe: "see it, do it, be it." ha!!

      Love,
      CZ

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    3. Hi CZ and Louise,
      Yes, I'd love a pdf of your book, or if you want to wait until you're done with the revision that would be fine too. My email is bnk@bravenewkitty.com. Please let me know the cost and I can deposit it into your PayPal, or whatever's easiest for you

      Thanks,

      Kitty

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  4. Beautiful post CZ, thanks for sharing it. When I started blogging almost a year ago now, I'd never thought I would come to the place of love and compassion that Louise describes, but somehow, over the last year, something within me has shifted -quite likely from having validation, love and support from all of you. Who would have known? I am so grateful to all of you and to people like Louise who share their knowledge and experience and show us that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that we can be loving without having to be trampled over.
    Love,
    Kara xxoo

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    1. Dear Kara,

      The Love Shift! I noticed a shift in myself...in fact, I've noticed several changes (or awakenings, or epiphanies, or paradigm shifts) since childhood. People use a variety of words to describe an inarticulate process. I've felt and noticed many of these shifts and they were OUT of my CONTROL. They occurred on a level bypassing logical debate.

      "Should I go left with the Devil or right with God?"

      THAT choice isn't the forethought of my every morning. In my recollection, the Love Shift happened of-a-sudden, it was recognized by "me", and I only afterwards found words for what had transpired unconsciously. I'm probably speaking for most people. (certainly for 'empaths' who may not be inclined to put intuitive experiences/processes into words).

      Once consciously realized then, intention requires practice and discipline (self-discipline raises our self-esteem out of the basement).

      One thing that has been valuable in choosing the gentler path, is daily interaction with recovery peers. If I were to call myself a "loving" person, having denied my history, my behavior, my thoughts and feelings, that would be self-deception. I could get out of bed in the morning, in complete denial. "Remembering" by empathizing with other people, means making a conscious choice. If I slip for a day and forget how angry I was, how hateful, then empathizing with someone "nips my lie" in the bud. Thank you dear recovery friends.

      If love were easy to do, to give, to receive, it wouldn't be a virtue. If love were a feeling, such as we believed when we were infatuated teenagers, it would have no lasting or character-building value.

      Love, to people with narcissistic traits, is a game such as picking petals off a daisy, "Love you, love you not, love you, love you not..." How tragic that children grow up in homes where love was doled out like gold stars on a Report Card. Can a child grow up to trust love as a commitment, a reciprocal expectation? I think so. But I think it HAS to be intentional just like developing other virtues. That's not a very romantic concept but that's what makes the practicing-of-love, trustworthy and meaningful.

      Love,
      CZ

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