Moral Anchors

"Neurotics are people who are very sensitive, have well-developed consciences, and experience relatively high levels of anxiety. In the sixties, we used to say these folks were “hung-up” (i.e. worried too much about life). In days past, some of these folks were so neurotic that they literally made themselves sick with worry. Most of the traditional theories of psychology came from studying such individuals. Neurotics are still with us, but very few are so overly conscientious that they make themselves sick. Rather, they’re the backbone of society because they care enough to try and make everything work." ~Dr. George Simon 

(also linked here: WebofNarcissism.com)

Dr. Simon's article reiterated what many of us have written: we served as moral anchors in the narcissist's struggle determining right-from-wrong. I have admitted to having a hyper-active conscience but perhaps it's more accurate to say 'Neurotic.' It took a couple of psychologists pointing out my hyper-responsibility and then a few years in Alanon to get me to see that I am not responsible for ushering in world peace or making sure everyone else's life is peaceful, harmonious and happy. I gotta say it's been a lifelong struggle to get myself out of the trap many eldest children fall into when they're taught to take care of younger siblings.

One thing Dr. Simon writes rings very true to me: once a neurotic person's dysfunctional behavior is pointed out, they can connect the dots themselves because they are generally introspective. Slowly over time, I've gotten much better about distinguishing my proper responsibility for myself from an 'enabling' responsibility for others.

I like to live a peaceful life and I dislike confrontation. That makes me an easy mark for someone who is quick to observe me backing down rather than engaging in disputes. Guess I'm one of those pleasers, which is okay to admit on a blog like this. If other people are pleasers, too, we can have a great time pleasing each other as long as each person's intent is mutual harmony, not power over & control. When an argument goes on and on and on, we might do exactly what Dr. Simon suggests and Give In, just to restore the peace. But each time we don't stand up for ourselves, our self-esteem decreases and the narcissist's grandiosity increases because he-or-she maintains an illusion of superiority over the 'defeated'. Compromise is not an option with a narcissist.

Overtime, it's easy to see why 'neurotic' people feel helpless to change their circumstances.

One thing I'm beginning to understand is that we WILL have to stand up for our principles and values at some point. It might as well be earlier than later! The earlier we risk losing a relationship, the less damage we'll suffer as a result. So this is what I tell myself and maybe it will help other people, too: Be yourself and let other people decide if they want to have a relationship with you or not. That's fair. It's taken a long time to Get That, but hopefully, this truth is sinking into my hard head.

"We served as moral anchors in the narcissist's struggle determining right from wrong."

I'd like to elaborate on my statement. I did not mean to infer that narcissists are unaware of what's right or wrong, because they aren't. They are far more aware of pro-social behaviors (pro-social is the word Dr. Simon uses in his articles), than most of us realize. We make a false assumption if we believe narcissists erringly hurt other people because they didn't know any better. Or that they chose 'badly' because they were impulsive and didn't consider the consequences.

Narcissists are aware of consequences when they choose to serve themselves FIRST, usually at other people's expense.

Narcissists depend on moral anchors to keep the relationship boat floating. We make excuses for their behavior (they didn't really mean it!); we immerse ourselves in helping them (they know not what they do); we feel sympathy for their tears, (falsely assuming tears are expressions of remorse); we guide and teach and counsel and preach in the belief they will eventually learn how to create the relationships they profess to desire. (Poor little Narcissist! I can help him!)

Moral anchors know how to build safe relationships and we falsely assume everyone wants a reciprocally satisfying and mutually responsible connection. Not so. In order to create a SAFE relationship, everyone has to 'give a little' and subordinate selfish desires. That means sometimes We Don't Get What We Want, but it's okay---because we trust other people are making similar sacrifices.

Even if a narcissist expresses sorrow when negative consequences impact them, they are not remorseful for the pain their choices caused other people. They are sad about being held accountable. Mistaking tears for remorse is where many of us make a serious mistake: the narcissist's tears are not about the harm they caused. Their tears are about self-pity for getting caught.

We set ourselves up for frustration if we assume our guidance will eventually teach the narcissist what he-or-she needs to know about building a trustworthy and safe relationship. I am wondering if their inability to empathize deeply with other people shortcuts the narcissist's remorse process because the only pain they feel is for themselves? And insult of insults, they expect you to feel sorry for the pain THEY feel, too.

Maybe one way to discern the difference someone's ability to change is whether or not they repeat the same behavior? Think about what happens when you hurt someone's feelings or wound a valued relationship. What happens? We learn to avoid the excruciating pain we feel when people tell us we've hurt them because we not only feel our pain, we feel theirs, too. Then, we CHANGE our behavior. We learn what to do and what not to do if our goal is maintaining healthy relationships that are mutually satisfying and fulfilling. Our error is in assuming everyone seeks reciprocally responsible relationships.

Narcissists have been studying people from the time they first recognized manipulable human emotions. They know right from wrong (pro-social versus anti-social behavior) but consider themselves entitled to do whatever they please whenever they choose to be pleased.

Do they care about their negative impact on others?? Only if it precludes them from getting what they want.

Hugs,
CZ

Resources

Dr. George Simon, Counselling Resource

Dr. George Simon, Dealing with Manipulative People