Leslie Morgan Steiner: "Domestic Abuse Happens To Everyone!"

Leslie Morgan Steiner writes on her website: 

"If you and I met at one of our children's birthday parties, in the hallway at work, or at a neighbor's barbecue, you'd never guess my secret: that as a young woman I fell in love with and married a man who beat me regularly and nearly killed me.

I don’t look the part. I have an MBA and an undergraduate degree from Ivy League schools. I live in a red brick house on a tree-lined street in one of the prettiest neighborhoods in Washington, DC. I’ve got 15 years of marketing experience at Fortune 500 companies and a best-selling book about motherhood to my name. A smart, loyal husband with a sexy gap in his front teeth, a softie who puts out food for the stray kittens in our alley. Three rambunctious, well-loved children. A dog and three cats of our own. Everyone in my family is blonde (the people, at least).

Ah, if only being well-educated and blonde and coming from a good family were enough to defang all life’s demons. 

If I were brave enough the first time I met you, I'd try to share what torture it is to fall in love with a good man who cannot leave a violent past behind. I’d tell you why I stayed for years, and how I finally confronted someone whose love I valued almost more than my own life. Then maybe the next time you came across a woman in an abusive relationship, instead of asking why anyone stays with a man who beats her, you’d have the empathy and courage to help her on her way. 

We all have secrets we don't reveal the first time we cross paths with others. This is mine." 

(Louise Steiner's TED talk video embedded below)

I watched Leslie Steiner's presentation last night and realized why I'm sitting behind my computer and she's on stage. If you saw me right now, you'd understand why, too. Some people are meant for anonymity and some for publicity and it takes both types of women to do the work that can finally hopefully maybe be done. My first thought when Steiner revealed the intimate details of her life on a TED stage was:

Thank GOD that's NOT ME up there!

I started craving Xanax but methodically tapped my way back to peace, love and the joy in my warm kitchen where beef bones were melting in a bubbling stew pot, the base of something homemade and delectable for dinner. I never take not even a carrot for granted anymore---not when so many hungry souls have touched my heart and the only thing I could offer was a listening ear. And sometimes I gave them an earful, as many can attest. I am not known for succinction. (red, squiggly underlining suggests succinction is not a word. O well. This is not a book).

I have listened to, held in my arms, and read hundreds of stories like Leslie's, but the majority of my cyber-soul-sisters wouldn't be given the time of day, even if they begged for five minutes on a TED stage. The gaps in their smiles aren't charming. They're missing teeth. They barely have enough money to buy groceries (some gathering sticks to warm their hands to fix dinner in a kitchen with no heat).  I remember my best friend's mother opening a can of green beans, the only thing she had to serve five kids after her violent husbaNd had left their family for a "funner" woman. He beat the shit out of my best friend, too; and I'll never forget her crying about it to me. My relationship with her (and another childhood friend whose father was physically violent) is a big part of why I've tried to do something...short of public speaking...to help women and as a consequence, their children. It's traumatic being hit by the maN you love but children are changed by it. their friends, too.

Anyone who fell for a narcissist, will relate to the steps Leslie Steiner outlines in her speech. Step One: Charm the woman; Step Two: Isolate her. Make her believe she's the dominant partner in the relationship. Make sure she has more pity for his suffering, than the people he makes suffer. Her pain is less important than his. If you loved a narcissist, you'll identify with her experience even if you weren't physically abused.  

The truth is, people listen to Fortune 500, blonde-haired women and that's not sour grapes my friends, it's life. I hope Leslie Morgan Steiner's presentation will inform people about women's normal reactions to abnormal behavior: crazy love. It's easier for society to ignore the emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted woman who can't afford to go to school or get therapy because no-fault divorce left her broken and broke.  Which means the disenfranchised have little hope of credibility on a world wide stage; and so we wait for a woman like Leslie Morgan Steiner and then we climb the dais with her in spirit (not in our pajamas!!).

P.S. I'll be featuring a dear friend's TED talk and her book later this week. I couldn't help but think of Louise when Steiener's publicity claimed to be the only TED talk on domestic violence. The difference is that Louise's story is about the psychopathic relationship, not the graphic details of physical violence Steiner talks about. Louise Gallagher has also gone on to write, speak, and educate people about abusive relationships, too. I'm so proud of her.