April 07, 2008

God Bless Jackhammers

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." ~anonymous

I've resisted writing a blog for the longest time because engaging in online communities filled my free time and my heart with rewarding relationships. Community interaction shortcut my explanations of narcissism to people who didn’t understand, wouldn’t understand and had neither desire nor reason to understand. I’d bumble around for words whenever a friend asked, “Gee, you said you had the perfect marriage! What happened?"

It’s not that I didn’t know what happened. I had already memorized Elsa Ronningstam's book on NPD. I stumbled for words because of what they weren’t saying, i.e.: "Gee, what’s wrong with you, CZ? You seemed like a swell woman to me."

Now don't go saying I'm interpreting someone else’s comment because I lack self-worth and confidence. I know what folks are thinkin' because I thunk the same thing myself. But of course, that was back when lifetime-marriage was a basic assumption and any woman who couldn’t keep a man in her bed must have been a big mess herself.

If there are Gods above who care about mere mortals, they will relentlessly hammer our hubris ‘til it cracks. God bless the jackhammers. That’s what it took to wake me up. 

For all those who are feeling miserable, defective, more like an earthworm than a warm-blooded human being, let me remind you: This Too Shall Pass. Narcissists don't choose someone who is Wrong. They chose you because of everything about yourself that's Right.

So when you're taking personal inventory of your many defects-count-them-one-by-one, compose an even longer list of all your attributes. You can hide that list under the pillow if you like; but only if you'll read it every single night and say, "I will try again tomorrow."

You are WoNderful exactly the way you are.



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