April 15, 2009

Video: Danger Signs in a Relationship

“Blame can be very seductive when we’re being put on a pedestal.” ~Steven Stosny

"My definition of contempt is: “I’ve made up my mind about you and it is not good.” ~ Pat Love


  1. Pat Love says, "You're always gonna see what you look for."
    If I think all guys are jerks, that's what I'll see. If I think they are awesome, that's what I will see.

    I see a little truth in that, but the statement also wreaks a bit of LoA. And that philosophy is confusing to me and I'm on the fence at this point if there's much to that or not. I used to be a big believer but anymore, not so much. CZ I read your posts on this subject and it really described how I'd begun feeling about LoA.

    I'm not saying that Pat doesn't have a point about making up your mind about someone before getting to know them, but I also don't think that it is safe to think out of the gate the person is trustworthy or caring.

    No need to assume the worst necessarily, but I've certainly learned to proceed with caution...not a mantra I've really lived by until truly shown that I should.

    People will need to earn trust in my life now. I will no longer just assume that because they are "nice" to my face and others, that they will respect and honor me or what I tell them in confidence. Like I heard Dr. Phil say once, "In this day and age, you need to play it closer to the vest." A more true statement has never been spoken.

    1. Nice "catch", Anonymous. You've been learning your pathology ABC's, I can tell! There is a huge difference between normally screwed-up relationships and pathological relationships. Unfortunately, nearly ALL the information, videos and self-help books are referencing "normal" relationships.

      Their information is pretty much useless for us---and sometimes to tell you the truth, it's downright dangerous. I stayed too long because of the traditional but corrupt idea that it "takes two to make a marriage."

      I nearly passed out with relief when someone quipped, "yea...but it only takes one to destroy it."

      We assume the other person is like ourselves OR we make a giant error in believing "love cures all." ARGH! The crap I was told growing up could fill a fertilizer factory.

      There's much to be gleaned from LoA concepts...it's similar to CBT (cognitive therapy) and mindfulness. But as usual, narcissists take it to the extreme because that's where the money is---telling people the lies they wanna hear.

      The fact is, "I saw what I was looking for" until it was time to act on the moral principles the narcissist only pretended to value. I think a lot of narcissists talk a pretty story, speak a publishable lecture on topics the rest of us can't put into words. But they do not embody those principles, nor do they value them. The truth, even despite what we see and hear, is in their behavior. And you just might have to look at them a long, long time before you see what you never believed you'd see.

      Thanks for commenting!



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