Why It's Hard To Write About Narcissistic Mothers

"The Sleeping Girl Kizette" by Tamara de Lempicka

Numerous people responded to my recent posts about narcissistic mothers which was validating because writing about abusive mothering is excruciatingly difficult for me. Like fingernails-on-a-blackboard neurotically painful. Being critical of women upon whose shoulders burdens of responsibility have been heaped without requisite empowerment, sets my teeth on edge. It doesn't feel right. It doesn't seem fair, blaming women for being insufficient parents when the province of child-rearing has been left to her.

Saying "she did the best she could" usually reconciles relational deficiencies for both she and her children because the majority of women are heroic in their desire and their ability to protect and love their children despite onerous circumstances. Maybe it's familiarity with my female ancestors, but I marvel at the countless ways women have defied the system. How they supported their spouses, coped with serial pregnancies, stillbirths, deaths, sicknesses, dreary jobs, political disenfranchisement, educational segregation, and financial deprivation threatening survival. Read (or  better yet: write!) your family's history and you'll be inspired by women's resilience. Everyday families have invisible heroes who deserve a place in your story. 

Dysfunction caused by oppression Based on my philosophical views of women's oppression, I've been reluctant to criticize mothers because their dysfunctional behaviors might be the result of subordination. It's understandable if women developed a false self with codependent behaviors and narcissistic defenses in reaction to the patriarchy. Yea...you guessed it. I grew up in the sixties. 

Limited Options for Self-determination Before the pill (contraception), a woman couldn't think of her self as an independent agent without  choosing celibacy. She might be somewhat resentful of successive pregnancies and children since she had few options other than marriage and motherhood.

Mothering as a Career In the 1950's, raising children became a career. This wasn't the greatest twentieth-century idea we ever came up with but it got women back in the home after WWII. It also justified male proprietorship, while solacing women with platitudes. Children became in-the-flesh reviews of her job performance which means a mother may have over-invested in her children living out her dreams.  This is conjecture on my part but it merits some consideration, I hope. 

Women Needed Time to Adjust I believe most mothers benefit from additional kindness, patience, and understanding during our transition from 'obligatory motherhood' to 'motherhood as a choice'. Determining who you are and what you want to do is an adjustment. Women need more than one lifetime to change. Old patterns and beliefs are passed down from one generation to the next. 

Challenging ignorance; Challenging beliefs

What totally gets my goat is that you think you understand reality and then your illusions are head-butted with a reality check. And I've come to understand that psychological pathology is not gender-specific. What threw my Give-Her-the-Benefit-of-a-Doubt philosophy off kilter is that I wanted to believe bad mothering was situational, not the result of mental illness, disorders and pathological traits. Yea, yea, I know. Idealization isn't just for narcissists. Which brings me to another reason why I've hesitated writing about the Maternal Ideal: what's idealized is rapidly demonized. You should never poke the sleeping bear, if you get what I mean!

"Le Chevre" by Picasso 1950

In defense of my idealism, the same ignorance applied to my beliefs about mothers as my belief in marriage: I did not know about personality disorders. Once you know about pathological traits and behaviors, everything changes. Your sense of control is viable because it isn't based on dangerous folk wisdoms, such as: forgive and forget 'cuz you can get the love you want if you teach people how to treat you.  Don't cry...I'll stop with the platitudes. 

Pathological or normal? Understanding pathology renders abusive relationships transparent, just as your own yuck behavior stands naked in the light of normalcy. People do yuck things that are considered to be normal because most people act similarly yuckily. This begs the question though: if enough people act yucky, is yucky normal? Well, temporary yuckiness is normal; but, permanent, intractable, impervious-to-change yuckiness is not normal. Persistent patterns of behavior transform quotidian yuck into a pathology. If someone was yucky as a kid, yucky as a young adult, and has a yucky midlife crisis, you can pretty much guarantee she'll be yucky pensioner. Consistency. Consistency connotes pathology. 

One more reason why I've been reluctant to write about narcissistic mothers? Neurotic mothers are overly critical and self-blaming when they needn't be. I didn't want to make matters worse knowing how hard it's been mothering up to my expectations while married to a narcissistic spouse  undermining my parenting. While narcissistic mothers would never see themselves in anything I've written, vulnerable and fragile mothers would.

And so: For all the good enough mothers who criticize themselves unfairly, please remember that the longevity of narcissistic behaviors distinguishes pathology. These traits are consistent in a variety of situations, resistant to change, and getting worse each year. I added the getting worse bit because pathological narcissism crystallizes overtime, like territory-marking cat urine sprayed on baseboards. Clean it up. Clean up after yourself. If you don't, you won't be able to chisel that stuff off with a stick of dynamite and a professional therapist.

The normal mother catches herself in the act. She corrects her behavior. She has insight. Self-awareness. Her self-knowledge increases as she ages. The normal mother is emotionally available, empathetic, resonant. She encourages her children to be comfortable with their own peccadilloes, values, desires, and quirks. To  find themselves. To be themselves. The normal mother grieves her losses, celebrates her children's victories, and bears their criticism. She neither blames herself excessively, nor excuses herself. She seeks no absolution from her children. The normal mother matures as she ages, generativity granting meaning to her existence.  She is satisfied with her contribution, her place, her life. She neither competes with her children nor denies their desires to achieve. To do better than she. The normal mothers sees herself on an evolutionary scale, not more extraordinary than others. Not less than. The normal mother is never all of these things at all times.

Hugs,
CZ