 |
| The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosche |
A few readers have requested my opinion and even though it's useful examining Elliot's narcissism, I still feel ambivalent writing about a young man who suffered emotional pain, inflicting even more pain on other people and that includes his family. That Elliot Rodger's narcissism spiraled outwards is quintessential.
Nobody suffers the hell of pathological narcissism more than other people.
As a writer about narcissism, my views are filtered through a narcissism lens. Let me be clear on my focus: pathological narcissism is the root of Elliot's self-hatred and externalized aggression, normalized by a misogynistic culture. If readers are offended by that statement, now would be a good time to open your mind to a woman's point of view in a blog
As a second-wave feminist, no mansplaining please. The patriarchal view of life is no news to me having grown up in the 1950's. I don't like this new version of the Men's Rights Movement claiming to be victimized by feminists who won the war of the sexes. Ten minutes of television suggests the prize feminist mothers "won", was her daughter's right to volunteer for exploitation. "Look honey! Now you can CHOOSE to be a sex worker!" People call it agency. I call it manipulation, appropriation, and hopefully: learning-from-our-mistakes. Our sons didn't learn to value women as their equals, either. They became even more entitled to get sex as his right and her liberated obligation. The resultant porn culture in which our children have been raised, has impacted their beliefs about sexuality and if we consider the influence of a narcissistic media, it's little wonder Elliot Rodger felt denied. Media pummels kids with a barrage of images based on narcissistic fantasy, not reality and who needs grounding more than teenagers? Contrived sexual imagery (with an agenda to make $$) magnifies their uncertainty into perceived rejection if kids aren't "doing it" like their idealized
That Elliot was humiliated by his virginity is a sign of our times: losing self-esteem rather than gaining self-respect. That Elliot was humiliated by other men because he didn't have a "hot blonde" in his possession, speaks to the destructive way young men are being socialized. De-evolution, ugh!
And just so everyone knows: I do not have credentials as a psychologist or as a feminist even though defining myself as psychologically savvy and feminist. Feminist theory gave language to my life as a female; real-time experience reinforced lessons about male privilege-and-entitlement when my relatively stable and prosperous marriage ended in divorce. People never asked, "What's wrong with your husband that he'd leave you for another woman?" The inference being that he was only leaving his wife, not his family (how nutz is that rationalization?). And an older woman is, well...understandably replaceable and therefore at fault for getting old. ugh!
As a relentless nurturer, I have co-parented my nephew for eighteen years. He has been officially diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) defines Aspergers as high-functioning autism. We have been involved in the autism community, meeting families who also rally around their child providing the extensive stability and support these children need in order to function in society. Aspergers is a mental disorder requiring collaboration between psychologists, psychiatrists, educators, therapists and family members. People with Aspergers learn to manage feelings, thinking, and behavior that if left unchecked, can result in clinical depression and suicide. I believe (until convinced otherwise) that narcissistic disorders can co-exist (even flourish) if parents don't know what to look for, or how to direct a child from self-preoccupation to healthy engagement with, and consideration for, others. I think it's reasonable to say that a child may start his life with Aspergers and develop pathological narcissism because of the difficulties they face fitting in to society. It takes a tribe to raise a child with Aspergers and we are failing as a society.
If parents are not their children's mirrors, someone else will be. God help us if a young man "finds himself" in the manosphere.
 |
| Hieronymous Bosche |
Was Elliot Rodger A Narcissist?
The concept of narcissism most generally understood describes a person who is obnoxious and arrogant, stubborn, prideful, snootily superior, manipulative, materialistic, self-centered, shallow, lacks empathy, and a leader. Narcissists can be dauntless leaders pushing agendas and maximizing investments, inspiring people to rally behind them. Their narcissism is considered to be normal or perhaps: extraordinary narcissism. People within normal ranges of narcissism have high self-esteem. That means the esteem they have for themselves is not subject to extreme fluctuations. They are not excessively reliant on other people's validation and praise. They have a stable sense of self that's resilient to rejection and failure. This is a fair assessment of normal narcissism and it is not difficult spotting narcissism in Elliot's videos and written man-ifesto. However, concluding Elliot was a narcissist camouflages the destructiveness of his pathological narcissism. This is the mistake parents make (therapists, too) dismissing a young man's braggadocio as temporary, nothing to worry about, a phase he'll grow out of (and if not, his partner will be expected to accommodate his narcissism. ugh!)
destructive narcissism----pathological narcissism----malignant narcissism
Pathological narcissists replicate a normal narcissist's confidence, but their self-esteem degrades to self-derogation in the face of failure and rejection. They're up, they're down, their moods becoming even more extreme as they age. Their envy is crippling; their revenge talionic. Their grandiose hyper-valued self cannot be sustained---life being an uncompromising grind against hubris. If narcissistic defenses break down, they become clinically depressed and suicidal. This runs opposite to what most people believe about narcissists who love themselves too much to check out early. That may be true for a narcissist but it's untrue for pathological narcissists. If they are suicidal, they aren't contemplating suicide as an escape from unbearable pain. Oh NO! In their minds, suicide is a glorious triumph because they are in complete control. As Kenneth Levy writes: "Malignant narcissists are at high risk for suicide because such behavior represents sadistic control over others, a dismissal of a denigrated world, or a display of mastery over death."
Why didn't Elliot's parents know he was t-h-a-t SICK?
I've read criticism of Elliot's parents and it breaks my heart because honestly folks, parents see what their children want them to see. Pathological narcissists are secretive, hiding their self-loathing, contempt, obsession with injustice and revenge. They may leak out little bits-and-pieces and when people are shocked by their vitriol, that's it. No more leaks. Besides, parents won't see pathological narcissism if they don't know what to look for, just like Elliot fooled the police. The police visited, they talked with him, they reported no cause for alarm. Elliot was "polite and courteous," police said. I cannot condemn anyone in Elliot's life for being fooled by his courteous demeanor. Narcissists are masters of disguise. It isn't so much our denial or unwillingness to see the truth, as their brilliance at image management. If you've never met Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, watch the movie. Horror film meet reality show.
Why didn't Elliot's parents know he was t-h-a-t SICK?
 |
| The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosche |
Dr. Allen Schwartz writes, "[pathological narcissism] causes people to misunderstand what is really going on with the individual. For example, some one like this will seem to be arrogant and filled with self-confidence. However, just beneath this shallow surface lies a person who feels a deep sense of shame and humiliation and low self-esteem. That is why they are so easily hurt in the face of criticism."
Pathological narcissists believe they are entitled to whatever they want, exploiting people with Machiavellian ease. Eventually people catch on and sure enough, nobody wants to spend time with them! Narcissist's callousness coupled with arrogance tends to tip people off eventually, a rejection pathological narcissists are sure to avenge. You'd think losing one relationship after another would be enough for them to see that they're the problem, not other people. But an important aspect of pathological narcissism is the impaired ability to self-reflect, to introspect. Most of us reflect on our behavior and self-correct when we hurt someone's feelings, even inadvertently. So I ask myself how someone could plot his little brother's murder without realizing his thinking was aberrant, was crazy? How could he be aware of his destructive envy, yet be okay with destroying the objects of his envy? Where's the moment of clarity inspiring him to ask for help lest he do something he'll regret? The answer is: he had nothing to regret.
Pathological narcissism fuels hostility and revenge without recognizing such hatred as cause for alarm. The assumption that all people have the gift of conscience and all people self-reflect and self-correct is false. While you and I might feel like a heel videoing our best friend 'cuz she eats with her mouth open, pathological narcissists are perfectly comfortable uploading the video on YouTube. The psychological explanation for their sadism is that they are ego-syntonic, meaning: comfortable with their thoughts, actions and feelings. Murdering a sibling? No cause for alarm! He deserves it! Any punishment can be justified when a marginally developed conscience is unable to hold aggression in check. The injustice (real or not!) grows and grows until they believe they're defending themselves from further insult and then they can open the hate floodgates. Hate is there. Scapegoats are discovered. Or in light of misogyny: learned.
Pathological narcissists cannot process emotions like shame and humiliation so imagine what happens when men "shame" other men. They cannot work through their emotions as normal people do. The solution to feeling good about themselves again is evacuation. They evacuate their shame and humiliation onto others and women become the scapegoat because society is groomed to blame her for whatever he must do to to be accepted as a man. It's the system, folks. ugh!
A pathological narcissist can sit in isolation for hours on end, nursing resentments until he's fully justified in taking revenge without remorse. Pathological narcissists may say they are introspecting (as Elliot wrote) but they are more likely ruminating on issues of social rank and antagonism. (Dimaggio) I've pondered their love of loathing, wondering why someone would feed their anger until it billowed into noxious fumes. Is rumination a way to feel powerful, turning anger into hate? Meditating for days, as Elliot claimed in his man-ifesto, might be grandiose seclusion within the confines of a disturbed mind, unperturbed by interruption or contradiction. Yet they lie about what's really going on inside their heads, purporting meditation to be introspection. Or spiritual transcendence. Note to all: spiritual meditation does not involve harming people, places and things. When someone is pondering destruction, it's not meditation, it's maditation and should come with warnings for people who aren't fully grounded in reality.
These behaviors indicate pathological narcissism:
I think that's why people are picking their favorite reason and trying too hard to place blame on someone, on something. Just please someone find a reason so parents can sleep at night! If Elliot Rodger could be madder than a hatter when his life was better than most people's, doesn't that make us nervous about our own children? Our kids are exposed to the same influences pushing Elliot over the edge. Our kids come from divorced homes, struggle fitting into blended families, play video games more than they should, watch Game of Thrones when they shouldn't, see porn at least once before parents wise-up and clamp down on Family Controls. Our kids are marketed to by soulless advertisers promoting immediate gratification, grooming our children to be empty shells for perpetual consumerism. If our kids are exposed to the same influences as Elliot Rodger in a corporate market branding kids from the age of two, what hope have we that their lives will be meaningfully enriched by loving relationships? I think that's why Elliot's story is so compelling---there but for the grace of God go we. And frankly, I haven't been on God's shortlist of BFFs lately.
The Manosphere
"The so-called “manosphere” is peopled with hundreds of websites, blogs and forums dedicated to savaging feminists in particular and women, very typically American women, in general. Although some of the sites make an attempt at civility and try to back their arguments with facts, they are almost all thick with misogynistic attacks that can be astounding for the guttural hatred they express." ~Southern Poverty Law Center
If someone is not crippled by narcissism (which can be nursed into violence and revenge), they may be able to navigate alpha beta hierarchies without losing their grounding in reality and validating their hate. If pathological narcissism is part of their psychic soup, well...let's let Elliot speak for himself:
"The Spring of 2013 was also the time when I came across the website PUAHate.com. It is a forum full of men who are starved of sex, just like me. Many of them have their own theories of what women are attracted to, and many of them share my hatred of women, though unlike me they would be too cowardly to act on it." ~Elliot's Manifesto, page 117
A narcissistic culture teaches men to exploit people without shame, guilt or remorse. It teaches people to silence their conscience, curb their empathy, dumb down their humanity. I had read about Pick Up Artist (PUA) sites several years ago when people were setting up cottage industries on the web. They called their tips and tactics: The Game. Some men have told me what they learned actually helped because they didn't know how to talk to a woman much less forge a relationship. Most of the PUA sites are not about relationship, though. They've all about getting sex, the sociopathic ends justifying the exploitative means. It's Game. Make no mistake, game may sound normal but it describes the narcissist's ludic love style (Campbell). Game is the narcissist's playground and a young man can't immerse himself in this kind of objectification without denying both her humanity and his own.
Our social world is complex and as a very general rule, women are more adept at managing the nuances and subtleties of relationship. It is not hard for me to understand why young men would be drawn into a dichotomous group pitting women against men as dominant or submissive. Simplifying relationships as either/or is comforting when someone lacks the ability to navigate complexity. It's just too sad that older men have not matured and are still involved in Social Skills 101, advising young men who might be unduly influenced by the troublesome misogyny in the manosphere.
Before ending my rambling thoughts, I wanted to say something about the manosphere because I think it has bearing on Elliot's descent to madness. If my nephew were frequenting such sites, I'd cancel the Internet. That's how ruinous masculinists narcissists can be to younger men seeking male validation, male role models, how to be a man. The Internet magnifies everything, fools us into believing there's more approval for a point of view than there actually is and young people lack skills of discernment which hopefully comes with age. I am watchful of my dear nephew's environment for I know autism makes him less wary of manipulation than other kids his age. I believe autism and/or vulnerable narcissism makes a young man MORE vulnerable to social groups because he lacks an appropriate meter for bullshit.
Elliot Rodger participated in a misogynistic culture reacting to a perceived loss of male status and privilege. In the case of a young man searching for his identity in an environment promoting power-over-women, the manosphere is destructively influential. It validates the worst that is secreted inside a pathological self. Narcissists are needy, even if they pretend to be self-reliant. They have a weak sense of self, their identity is uncertain. People have extraordinary power to influence their behavior when narcissists need their validation.
Nobody needs validation and praise more than narcissists and if recent studies are correct, our youth are more narcissistic than boomers were when we came of age. (is that possible? ha!) Nobody wants to find their "True self" more than narcissists. It's frightening to think about young men coming of age in the narcissistic manosphere, identifying with self-glorified alpha males my generation referred to as chauvinist pigs. And just like the chauvinist pigs of the sixties and seventies, millennial alphas view women as service providers, too. The only difference is these guys know what they're doing and they do it anyway. We're not talking about ignorance and cultural blindness. We talking about a lack of conscience. Not exactly the kind of community a young man should hang out with if he doesn't know his shit from shinola, which many Asperger folks don't.
People with Aspergers and even narcissistic kids are prone to interpreting language literally, mistaking hyperbole as fact. Well, the manosphere is so full of gross exaggeration and what I can only pray is expressive hyperbole, that their feverish sweat verily leaks through my monitor. If you're gonna spend more than five minutes in the manosphere, bake an aromatic and heavenly dessert. Cinnamon apple cobbler works well and you don't even have to make it for him, or put on your apron.
We absolutely must look at the way men are socialized in order to understand Elliot's humiliation not being able to find his place in society. Did the notorious hate groups Elliot Rodger participated in cause him to kill six people and himself? No, of course not. But I believe they had an important role in fanning the flames of his resentment, scapegoating women for his hostility, and promoting narcissistic, even glorious revenge. If Elliot couldn't be a stud, at least he could be a bad-ass. That is the masculinist approach to being "a man." (Nerdlove)
Attachment theory aficionados suggest his bond with his mother was weak and that's why he hated women. Others suggest the Hollywood atmosphere led to shallow values and a materialistic focus. One YouTube philosopher zeroed in on the mother and grandmother who must have secretly abused and neglected Eliot, don't ya know. The stepmother has been singled out as a probable culprit since it rarely works well for step-parents to discipline a stepchild too soon. In all these scenarios potentially robbing Elliot of so much self-esteem that he wrapped himself in narcissistic defenses, the one thing that was not brought up was the loss of his family at age seven. From personal experience, I don't know what hurts a child's self-esteem more than being "left behind" for another family. I don't know what messes with a boy's head more than loving the woman his father rejects. Of course, this is purely conjecture because I do not know the particulars of the Rodger divorce. Elliot only mentioned briefly in his man-ifesto that his father had a girlfriend a little too quickly after separating from his mother.
You can check in with your misogyny level right now, because I know what some of you are thinking: "Something must be wrong with Elliot's mother if his father was so unhappy." ugh!
Divorce divides children between the parent they deem as powerful (his father's ability to attract other partners) and the parent they see as powerless (his mother's inability to protect the family and preserve their status). How does a boy feel when the parent providing comfort, safety and security as Elliot mentioned in his man-ifesto, is rejected by his father? Does he hate himself for identifying with her? For loving her? To the outside world, leaving one spouse for another is considered normal and acceptable and aren't we glad we can exercise our authenticity (sarcasm alert) but what effect does this have on psychologically vulnerable children who need even more stability and additional reassurance?
In a narcissistic culture, parents serve themselves first; children are expected to adapt. Those who can't adapt fast enough become regrettable casualties in the parental pursuit of happiness. It'll take a lot of research to convince me that society has been improved by an unprecedented destruction of family the past decade. That narcissistic parents are shortchanging their children's right to safety, security and stability so they can maximize parental potential, is regrettable of course but it's not a shit-show-stopper for them.
Elliot Rodger had a mental disorder, maybe even a personality disorder. He was also a misogynist. Read his manifesto. Take a look at the groups he affiliated with. Where Elliot's troubled psyche meets the narcissistic society is the dubious outlet provided for Elliot's internalized hatred and rage. He was trapped inside an emotional maelstrom he could not control or resolve. He was looking for a scapegoat to evacuate his rage and our misogynistic culture provided an easy target.
CZBZ
Pathological narcissism fuels hostility and revenge without recognizing such hatred as cause for alarm. The assumption that all people have the gift of conscience and all people self-reflect and self-correct is false. While you and I might feel like a heel videoing our best friend 'cuz she eats with her mouth open, pathological narcissists are perfectly comfortable uploading the video on YouTube. The psychological explanation for their sadism is that they are ego-syntonic, meaning: comfortable with their thoughts, actions and feelings. Murdering a sibling? No cause for alarm! He deserves it! Any punishment can be justified when a marginally developed conscience is unable to hold aggression in check. The injustice (real or not!) grows and grows until they believe they're defending themselves from further insult and then they can open the hate floodgates. Hate is there. Scapegoats are discovered. Or in light of misogyny: learned.
Pathological narcissists cannot process emotions like shame and humiliation so imagine what happens when men "shame" other men. They cannot work through their emotions as normal people do. The solution to feeling good about themselves again is evacuation. They evacuate their shame and humiliation onto others and women become the scapegoat because society is groomed to blame her for whatever he must do to to be accepted as a man. It's the system, folks. ugh!
"In response to severe humiliation, criticism and defeat, people with NPD may react self-destructively with a controlled and calculated intention to kill themselves…narcissists feel they deserve admiring attention because they consider themselves superior or exceptional." Dr. Elsa RonningstamMaditation
A pathological narcissist can sit in isolation for hours on end, nursing resentments until he's fully justified in taking revenge without remorse. Pathological narcissists may say they are introspecting (as Elliot wrote) but they are more likely ruminating on issues of social rank and antagonism. (Dimaggio) I've pondered their love of loathing, wondering why someone would feed their anger until it billowed into noxious fumes. Is rumination a way to feel powerful, turning anger into hate? Meditating for days, as Elliot claimed in his man-ifesto, might be grandiose seclusion within the confines of a disturbed mind, unperturbed by interruption or contradiction. Yet they lie about what's really going on inside their heads, purporting meditation to be introspection. Or spiritual transcendence. Note to all: spiritual meditation does not involve harming people, places and things. When someone is pondering destruction, it's not meditation, it's maditation and should come with warnings for people who aren't fully grounded in reality.
These behaviors indicate pathological narcissism:
Disdain for communal values with high value placed on agency (independence)Elliot Rodger's deep dive into madness has ignited public attention and I don't believe people are writing about him to push their favorite agendas. We want to know "why" someone who appeared to have the lifestyle most people only dream about, could even on a minuscule level believe he was unduly done by. Could believe that life for poor Elliot Rodger, was unfair. Hollywood, movies, red carpet events, fancy cars, champagne, naked stepmothers---how much more could a kid hope for? I've read numerous comments looking for reasons why Elliot was bizarrely envious. Why this kid was so damn crazy. I think the average person understands that horrendous childhoods, poverty, and abuse can overwhelm any one of us, but there's nothing NOTHING about Elliot's life that suggests an extreme environment or deprivation.
Rejects dependency (eliminates relationships)
Views others as inept, incompetent, and hostile: inferior
Severe exploitation and possible criminality
Reacts aggressively to limits (devalue and resents social agreements)
Lacks normal inhibitions in the pursuit of power
Devalues and exploits without remorse
Excessive rage and hostility
Lacks values; lacks conscience; unable to forgive
Lack of engagement in life (withdraws; depression; alienation)
Feelings of emptiness; Lack of vitality
Unrealistic sense of grandeur (incommensurate to capabilities)
Shame, guilt and envy (dehumanizing "the other")
Sexual pathology (total inhibition or chaotic sex life)
Fantasies, magical thinking, unrealistic expectations ("The Secret"; the lottery)
Undeveloped sense of self; identity diffusion; impaired sense of self
Splits reality into polar opposites (evil/good; right/wrong; winner/loser; ideal/worthless)
I think that's why people are picking their favorite reason and trying too hard to place blame on someone, on something. Just please someone find a reason so parents can sleep at night! If Elliot Rodger could be madder than a hatter when his life was better than most people's, doesn't that make us nervous about our own children? Our kids are exposed to the same influences pushing Elliot over the edge. Our kids come from divorced homes, struggle fitting into blended families, play video games more than they should, watch Game of Thrones when they shouldn't, see porn at least once before parents wise-up and clamp down on Family Controls. Our kids are marketed to by soulless advertisers promoting immediate gratification, grooming our children to be empty shells for perpetual consumerism. If our kids are exposed to the same influences as Elliot Rodger in a corporate market branding kids from the age of two, what hope have we that their lives will be meaningfully enriched by loving relationships? I think that's why Elliot's story is so compelling---there but for the grace of God go we. And frankly, I haven't been on God's shortlist of BFFs lately.
 |
| The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosche |
The Manosphere
"The so-called “manosphere” is peopled with hundreds of websites, blogs and forums dedicated to savaging feminists in particular and women, very typically American women, in general. Although some of the sites make an attempt at civility and try to back their arguments with facts, they are almost all thick with misogynistic attacks that can be astounding for the guttural hatred they express." ~Southern Poverty Law Center
If someone is not crippled by narcissism (which can be nursed into violence and revenge), they may be able to navigate alpha beta hierarchies without losing their grounding in reality and validating their hate. If pathological narcissism is part of their psychic soup, well...let's let Elliot speak for himself:
"The Spring of 2013 was also the time when I came across the website PUAHate.com. It is a forum full of men who are starved of sex, just like me. Many of them have their own theories of what women are attracted to, and many of them share my hatred of women, though unlike me they would be too cowardly to act on it." ~Elliot's Manifesto, page 117
A narcissistic culture teaches men to exploit people without shame, guilt or remorse. It teaches people to silence their conscience, curb their empathy, dumb down their humanity. I had read about Pick Up Artist (PUA) sites several years ago when people were setting up cottage industries on the web. They called their tips and tactics: The Game. Some men have told me what they learned actually helped because they didn't know how to talk to a woman much less forge a relationship. Most of the PUA sites are not about relationship, though. They've all about getting sex, the sociopathic ends justifying the exploitative means. It's Game. Make no mistake, game may sound normal but it describes the narcissist's ludic love style (Campbell). Game is the narcissist's playground and a young man can't immerse himself in this kind of objectification without denying both her humanity and his own.
Our social world is complex and as a very general rule, women are more adept at managing the nuances and subtleties of relationship. It is not hard for me to understand why young men would be drawn into a dichotomous group pitting women against men as dominant or submissive. Simplifying relationships as either/or is comforting when someone lacks the ability to navigate complexity. It's just too sad that older men have not matured and are still involved in Social Skills 101, advising young men who might be unduly influenced by the troublesome misogyny in the manosphere.
Elliot Rodger participated in a misogynistic culture reacting to a perceived loss of male status and privilege. In the case of a young man searching for his identity in an environment promoting power-over-women, the manosphere is destructively influential. It validates the worst that is secreted inside a pathological self. Narcissists are needy, even if they pretend to be self-reliant. They have a weak sense of self, their identity is uncertain. People have extraordinary power to influence their behavior when narcissists need their validation.
“A third type of failure to achieve a mature identity is called identity diffusion, and it is a problem that can plague an individual well into adulthood. These are the young people who have few commitments to any goals or values and who often seem apathetic about taking on any role...The narcissism of these teens is perhaps the most primitive of all---the false Self that masks their lack of development is a deflated one, lacking in the omnipotence and grandiosity that could propel them toward some experience of mastery and definition of Self." ~Sandy Hotchkiss
People with Aspergers and even narcissistic kids are prone to interpreting language literally, mistaking hyperbole as fact. Well, the manosphere is so full of gross exaggeration and what I can only pray is expressive hyperbole, that their feverish sweat verily leaks through my monitor. If you're gonna spend more than five minutes in the manosphere, bake an aromatic and heavenly dessert. Cinnamon apple cobbler works well and you don't even have to make it for him, or put on your apron.
We absolutely must look at the way men are socialized in order to understand Elliot's humiliation not being able to find his place in society. Did the notorious hate groups Elliot Rodger participated in cause him to kill six people and himself? No, of course not. But I believe they had an important role in fanning the flames of his resentment, scapegoating women for his hostility, and promoting narcissistic, even glorious revenge. If Elliot couldn't be a stud, at least he could be a bad-ass. That is the masculinist approach to being "a man." (Nerdlove)
Elliot wrote in his man-ifesto: "I wasn't the son I wanted to present to my father. I should be the one with the hot blonde girl, making my father proud. Instead, my father had to watch me suffer in a pathetic position. Life is so cruel to me. When I said my farewell to father before he drove home, I felt absolutely miserable."In an environment such as the manosphere, rank, entitlement, superiority, aggression, dominance, and anti-intellectualism and exploitation are normalized. With a list of values like that, how do you tell "A Narcissist" from a masculinist ? Damned if I know.
 |
| Hieronymous Bosche |
Did Elliot's parents cause his narcissism?
For all those folks who think Elliot needed a firmer hand and stricter discipline by his parents, Dimaggio writes, "Recent findings in which parenting styles, such as mixtures of overt praise and coldness, lack of supervision, corporal punishment, and authoritarian parenting, predicted future narcissism."
Dimaggio also wrote about the cause of pathological narcissism, "There is no consensus on the causes of [pathological narcissism], although lack of parental empathy toward a child’s developmental needs may bear some responsibility. Another trigger may be that the child is raised in a family where status and success are of utmost importance and only qualities that lead to sustaining a grandiose self-image are valued, while other behaviors are disregarded or punished. Another possibility is that overt grandiosity is a reaction to slights and humiliation, a sort of armor used to avoid subjugation. Other factors, such as an externalizing personality and the role of culture (the narcissistic society) in paving the way to narcissism, should also be explored."
You can check in with your misogyny level right now, because I know what some of you are thinking: "Something must be wrong with Elliot's mother if his father was so unhappy." ugh!
My last word. Promise. Now I get personal.
Loss of family = Loss of self-esteem
Divorce divides children between the parent they deem as powerful (his father's ability to attract other partners) and the parent they see as powerless (his mother's inability to protect the family and preserve their status). How does a boy feel when the parent providing comfort, safety and security as Elliot mentioned in his man-ifesto, is rejected by his father? Does he hate himself for identifying with her? For loving her? To the outside world, leaving one spouse for another is considered normal and acceptable and aren't we glad we can exercise our authenticity (sarcasm alert) but what effect does this have on psychologically vulnerable children who need even more stability and additional reassurance?
In a narcissistic culture, parents serve themselves first; children are expected to adapt. Those who can't adapt fast enough become regrettable casualties in the parental pursuit of happiness. It'll take a lot of research to convince me that society has been improved by an unprecedented destruction of family the past decade. That narcissistic parents are shortchanging their children's right to safety, security and stability so they can maximize parental potential, is regrettable of course but it's not a shit-show-stopper for them.
Elliot Rodger had a mental disorder, maybe even a personality disorder. He was also a misogynist. Read his manifesto. Take a look at the groups he affiliated with. Where Elliot's troubled psyche meets the narcissistic society is the dubious outlet provided for Elliot's internalized hatred and rage. He was trapped inside an emotional maelstrom he could not control or resolve. He was looking for a scapegoat to evacuate his rage and our misogynistic culture provided an easy target.
Elliot wrote: "Women are like a plague that must be quarantined. When I came to this brilliant, perfect revelation, I felt like everything was now clear to me, in a bitter, twisted way. I am one of the few people on this world who has the intelligence to see this. I am like a god, and my purpose is to exact ultimate Retribution on all of the impurities I see in the world.
The Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosche
"It was only when I first moved to Santa Barbara that I started considering the possibility of having to carry out a violent act of revenge, as the final solution to dealing with all of the injustices I've had to face at the hands of women and society. I came up with a name for this after I saw all of the good looking young couples walking around my college and in the town of Isla Vista. I named it the Day of Retribution. It would be a day in which I exact my ultimate retribution and revenge on all of the hedonistic scum who enjoyed lives of pleasure that they don’t deserve. If I can’t have it, I will destroy it. I will destroy all women because I can never have them. I will make them all suffer for rejecting me. I will arm myself with deadly weapons and wage a war against all women and the men they are attracted to. And I will slaughter them like the animals they are. If they won’t accept me among them, then they are my enemies. They showed me no mercy, and in turn I will show them no mercy. The prospect will be so sweet, and justice will ultimately be served. And of course, I would have to die in the act to avoid going to prison." ~Elliot Rodger (pg. 101, 117)
CZBZ
Resources
Achenreiner, Gwen Bachmann. (2003) "The Meaning of Brand Names to Children: A Developmental Investigation." Journal of Consumer Psychology.
Achenreiner, Gwen Bachmann. (2003) "The Meaning of Brand Names to Children: A Developmental Investigation." Journal of Consumer Psychology.
Campbell, Foster & Finkel. (2002) Does Self-Love Lead to Love for Others? A Story of Narcissistic Game Playing (pdf)
Dimaggio, Giancarlo. (2012) Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Rethinking What We Know
Dimaggio, Giancarlo. (2012) Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Rethinking What We Know
Dr. NerdLove Elliot Rodger and the Price of Toxic Masculinity
Elliot Rodger's Manifesto PDF
Hotchkiss, Sandy. (2003) Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism. Pg. 98
Laura Essig. Elliot Rodger and the Problem with Manhood
Levy, Kenneth. (2012) "Subtypes, Dimensions, Levels, and Mental States in Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder". Journal of Clinical Psychology: In Session
Malcolm, Lynn. (2014) Research says young people today are more narcissistic than ever
Solnit, Rebecca. #YesAllWomen Changes the Story of the Isla Vista Massacre
Southern Poverty Law Center
The Narcissism Key: From Healthy to Pathological
