March 01, 2011

Set Your Mind Free: Imagine the worst

I just received a comment from a roving reader, suggesting my blog was very interesting and could be very popular but my lackluster moderation left a lot to be desired. If I didn't change my behavior (such as posting on a whim without consistency or discipline) I’d never make any money. 

Well, first of all---in case the robot didn’t notice my disclaimer, this blog will never make money as long as I have anything to do about it. Second of all, DUH. As though I didn’t know infrequent posting would hinder my PPR: Potential Popularity Rating. Not calling people back on the phone or returning emails tends to put a damper on relationships too, so apologies to anyone in cyberspace who might be mad at me for placing a call and then ignoring my readers. Whom I care about very much. You have gifted me in more ways than you know. I’m almost interested in my opinions now.

I’d love to post more stories about my fabulously entertaining life in NarcVille and one day, I’ll do that. Right now, I am prioritizing the website I’ve threatened to create for nigh on five years. Each time I get close to going “live”, sumthin’ happens. Sumthin’ lousy. Sumthin’ traumatic. I have lost friends and made enemies over non-profit websites that didn't even exist. It’s traumatic for a woman who prefers people to plus signs, karma numbers, and popularity graphs. I announce my plans, lose friends, and go through a self-blaming process like most people do when they're rejected and then, a little voice whispers in my ear so comfortingly, so sweetly, “You aren't ready yet and that’s why there’s a roadblock. When the time is right, everything will fall into place.”

Then I breathe rapidly, shallowly, and noisily while thumbing through goal-oriented, Think Your Way Rich books compelling me to Buck Up because the only things worth doing in life must, of necessity, challenge an Earth student’s fortitude. At least to those woo-woo writers I confess to reading, a hefty roadblock is the Universe’s way of testing your mettle. How serious are you? Do you really think you can hit the wall and survive; or, are you thinking like a weak, negativistic, and victimize-ie loser? Gosh, what could be worse than thinking like a victim? Thinking like a narcissist IS the fashion of the day: “I can do it! I am great! Nobody and no thing will get in my way! God and Angels and Celestial Beings have joined forces in  giving me what I want ‘cuz I am just so very very special! Nothing will stop me---not even my old wife crying in the bedroom ‘cuz Hera and Zeus decided it was time to send me the soulmate I really deserved!" 

I make myself laugh after several rounds of hand wringing and anxious 2:00 am anxiety attacks and then it’s time to take stock of reality. Find my balance. Look for my homeostasis and no, I’m not dating. 

Amidst the Go-Go hype of positive thinking and the No-No tripe of mystical spirits saying, “it’s time to back off, lay low, do nothing, and grow”, there’s a balance. It’s easy for me to swing one way or the other. Extremism, in my family, is as natural and normal as "Round-up Ready sugar beet seed". 

When I find myself going paralytic, I let my mind escape, preparing for disasters that will never happen. My train of thought goes like this: “WHAT IF the roof on my house catches on fire and the postman delivers a bomb and my neighbor sues me for parking my car to close to her property line and my nephew decides to run away to Alaska or some other fearsome foreign country and my daughter tells me she’s quitting her job to be a pole dancer and my sister retires early to stay home with me and we have an earthquake like the one we survived in 1989 or a volcano like the one we survived when Mt. St. Helens erupted or the French rainfall we walked in after Chernobyl or…what else? O yes. WHAT IF the X  calls and says he has a horrible disease that cut off both his legs and both his arms and his girlfriend abandoned him and now he needs to come home and since his x-girlfriend won't have anywhere to go after their ugly break-up, can she move in, too?” and then, my train of thought ends in gut-rollicking humor which always, always, grounds me in reality. 

My imagination is a lovely and terrible place. But if unforeseen disasters should preempt the launching of my new site, what's to worry? A woman can  always pick up where she left off because, or so the wise ones tell us, "Everything  unfolds exactly as it should.”

Love to all,


  1. CZ, you do whatever suits you, I'll never hold it against you for being out there living! Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Nurse your star and give birth that website when it's good and ready. I wouldn't have you any other way, good to hear from you.


    p.s. is the photo here you? if so, how totally fabulous to put a face to a name!

  2. yeah -- if that's you what happened to wrinkles and grey hair and baggy shirts and other over 50 mishaps of nature?

    huh? Like, did you get a facelift while you were off living your life?

    hee hee -- just kidding.

    And like upsi -- i'm just happy to see you here!



  3. Yea, well...that is me. About three years ago. AT a family reunion when thirty relatives were cooped up in an isolated cabin for a week. I looked like that a lot, or so my daughter tells me.

    After seeing people's pictures on their blogs, I got wondering if maybe it wasn't time to post mine. The divorce is final. I'm settled and happy. What's to lose? My daughter picked that picture 'cuz she said it represented my true personality. (My inner child is a chatty Kathy doll).

    Then I photoshopped the iron dragonfly since that's my new mascot for the rest of my life. I'm sick of butterflies that remind me of being a teenager, waking up to womanhood. Now I'm waking up to cronehood. An iron dragonfly is more like it.

    Not to offend any butterfly lovers out there. I love butterflies. They just don't speak to my dragon heart these days. Don't I look mean and dangerous?

    Thanks Upsi and Louise for replying so quickly. I'm very happy to hear from both of you, especially after posting my picture.

    XOXOX back!


  4. CZ, that robot attacked me this week too. It is kinda nice to know that I'm in very good company. If it can happen to you, a Vet Blogger who is very talented w/writing then it can happen to us Toddler Bloggers too. I know I don't have to tell you that writting, especially blogging is first and foremost for the Self, it is Self-Expression. It is our Freedom as Bloggers to express what is happening along our own Jouney. Some will relate and a few will hate. Those that hate need to get a HEALTHY Life and stop being a Disordered (well that's too much to ask for) or Damaged person and stop being envious of the Life we have and they don't. If they took a second to step out of the KoN they created for themselves they would realize we are not blogging to entertain them. We don't need nor want their Toxic Stamp of Approval about our Life or how we express it. Our Life is not a performance or an act like theirs. They have No Right to throw rotten tomatoes. Stupid Ns!

    As you know I don't mind someone Respectfully disagreeing with me -- in fact I welcome it, and I know you do to CZ. I love how you have created a Safe Place @ WoN to do just that. I enjoy considering another's different perspective on Life and even on my Personal Life, because as a Blogger & Forum Member I put a large part of it out there.

    To the Haters who respond w/Flamming Fires of Hell, well all I can say is that I know your type because I was raised by your type. CZ & many others have also N-countered your type. We are use to your Hell Fire and we are pretty much Fire Proof. We have lived, endured, and survived the worst, we have learned to Rise Up from the Ashes more than once and your hateful & hatefilled words mean nothing, so they can do nothing to us. Those ugly words are filled w/evil intent, lack validity & worth, thus have no staying power, so here is some Glue of Truth for your Projected Lies -- and Yuck Off!

    Praise God for those Authentic & Kind People who read our blog, understand who we are and relate and/or respect what we are saying whether or not they agree with what we have to say or how we say it. We are NOT Performers, we are Authentic People living Authentic Lives, so if our Life does not meet the criteria of the Haters twisted perspective, then that is fine with us.

    CZ you have a lot on your plate, your Life is never boring. As I have told you before, you are one of my Fav. Love Warriors who stands strong no matter how determined the dark side is to get you to join their team. Your Life is Balanced & Fulfilling and you take the time to share it with us. It is your Life and the only one who has the right to make an assessment of it is You. Be encouraged that as you know everything happens right on time, to think other wise robs us of the Moment. Enjoy the Moment. Enjoy the Process. We are looking forward to your New Creation when she arrives!
    Rock on Sista Warrior Woman of Worth, Rock on!

  5. My second post was accidental duplicate of the first.

    Forgot to say, like the pic CZ! You are inspiration. Right now I am embracing the Rising Phenix, but maybe someday I will be brave enough to post an actual pic of Letting Go.

  6. Hi CZ,
    Wow, your description of how many things can happen in your life, or any life I guess, sure reminds me of my days. A lot can happen in a day and then they turn into months.

    I'm very happy to see you here too. I also like your "iron dragonfly!" Very strong!

    I look forward to your new site, when the time is just right :)

    Take good care and oh yes! I love the photo! I was thinking the same thing but am not brave enough yet. Yours is a great one though.


  7. Life is for living. Reality is highly overrated - at least what I'm seeing scroll by me on CNN which is surreal. I like to say that I expect chaos, so I'm never disappointed. But, that's what works for me. Best wishes to you and your "baby."

  8. Hi Jan! How nice to hear from you, the woman expecting Chaos and never being disappointed as a result. ha! You keep me laughing, Jan!

    To LettingGo and Dogkisses,

    Sorry about not replying. Please don't hold a grudge. I'm not ignoring folks on purpose. I can at least report that "Progress is Being Made" and so are Mistakes.

    Which just means it takes longer. O well, tonight I am grateful to have a warm office with carpeted floors, Netflix on command, plenty of clean water to drink and family members tucked nice and warm in their feathery beds. I love staying up late at night though I usually regret it in the morning!

    I can't wait to share my ArtsyFartsy website with everyone! It's been a true delight letting my imagination run wild!

    Don't expect something normal and you won't be disappointed. *grin*

    Hugs all,

  9. Thanks for replying CZ, esp., while you are working on your new site. I certainly can't/wouldn't hold a grudge against you for living your life, but of course, you are missed and it's nice to know that you are okay.

    Sounds like you are comfortable and cozy too, so keep taking good care of yourself!


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