May 10, 2015

Mother's Day: Reality Checks

A Soft Place in my Heart by Pino Daeni (Dangelico)

"When's Mother's Day?" someone asked for the umpteenth time, anticipating the same answer. "Nine months after Father's Day," another person quipped and then laughter. Lots of it. I kept doing the math as a little kid and could not figure out why a wrong answer made people giggle. That's how blissfully ignorant childhood used to be.

I'm old enough to remember the good old days when the most dreadful thing about adolescence was a parental talk about birds and bees. We let the media do our teaching now and that IS dreadful. Even as frustrated as I am about a corporate media influencing our children's sex lives, I keep my nostalgia in check. There were never any good ol' days to go back to. We must live and learn and fix the mistakes our ignorance makes. In spite of the problems we've yet to resolve, women's lives are better and safer today than they've ever been. And that includes a mother's freedom to love her children. To want her children.

Prior to birth control, children were consequences. Not every couple celebrated pregnancy when they already had more  mouths than they could feed. My boomer generation is the first to experience reliable birth control allowing us to choose when and if we wanted children. While some people might view that choice as a bad thing, I believe "choice" moves our species one step closer to loving children as the miracles they are. Because we want them. I wanted my babies and would scoop them into my arms and tell them so, kissing their cheeks and marveling that something so precious was in my care. I didn't give it any thought, telling my children how much I wanted them. It was a natural instinct to confess they were a desire of my heart and a blessing in my life and I was grateful to be their mother. 

Last year, my daughter was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. She's unable to work, has no promotions, raises or performance ratings to help her feel good about herself---to sustain her self-esteem. It's a daily struggle loving herself for "being" rather than "doing". Even though we knew our culture was obsessed with independence and success, we didn't realize the depth of our socialization. She struggles with depression like many people with incurable diseases when they can't work, can't "do," and are dependent on caregivers. She had been on her own financially for two decades but is unable to care for herself today. It's tough. Anyone can understand how difficult this would be---especially in a society denigrating dependency and joking about middle-age children living in Mom's basement. (it's a beautiful basement---don't get any notions about my basement looking like a prison!). 

My daughter says what sustains her self-worth now are the warm memories of being scooped in her mother's arms, covered in kisses and told, "I wanted you sooooooo much!" She made me sob when telling me this story because it took forty years for me to understand the importance of a mother's instinct to love and cuddle and cherish the child she wanted. It's fundamental to a child's self-worth. It's essential to a child's sense of self.

 

That was kind of tear-jerkerish, as Mother's Days tend to be, so the next two stories will leave you laughing. That's my intention anyway---for you to laugh with me. This glimpse into our family is a reality check against Sentimental Mothering. I hope they illustrate the reality of mothering children who will, if they are allowed to be children, challenge her patience and her ego.

Mother and Child by Pino Daeni (Dangelico)

Story One

My daughter was fond of After School Specials (1972-1997). She was a clever tease, smart as a whip and impulsive as hyper-active kids tend to be. She liked to organize playtime and direct her friends which caused problems for her teachers at school. If she thought it, she did it, not giving mind to the consequences. As one teacher said, "Your daughter doesn't know who the teacher is."

Well, being of patient temperament, I handled her behavior in stride. Most of the time. I wasn't perfect and won't pretend to have been which probably means I came fairly close to being exactly the mother she needed. This is what she tells me anyway. I'm not sure she thought that when her tantrums were unsuccessful, no matter how dramatic or shocking they might have been.

One day we were shopping in a grocery store when she was about six or seven years old. Without fail, she was begging for this and bartering for that and appealing to God to deliver just ONE package of M&M's and she'd never cause trouble again. Her prayer was not answered and her mother did not cave. God and I both knew that sugar made her climb walls and we didn't have time to talk her down. She was upset. So upset that she glowered in the queue. Noticing her complaints had attracted people's attention, she sucked in her tummy and made a hungry face. And honestly, there was precedent for manipulating tired shoppers. More than one weary soul had pleaded for me to "give in", for the sake of their sanity. Realizing I would not relent, they sneaked Snickers in her pocket and everyone checked out in peace.

This time however, my daughter wasn't crying because she had evidently matured beyond the acceptable crying stage. Now she was into Performance Art. Maybe capturing everyone's attention had inspired her but GodOnlyKnows why she did this. I bent down to ask her to calm down and reached out to cup her chin in my hand. She threw her hands up to protect her face with both palms facing outward. Peering through outstretched fingers, she shouted, "Not the FACE, Mommie! Not the FACE!" 

And then she laughed and laughed and people offered to buy ME a drink. 

Yea. Don't let perspicacious children watch After School Specials about child abuse.

The Little Prince by Pino Daeni (Dangelico)

Story Two

Our family moved to France when our children were young and we'd visit the USA annually, to remind our kids they were Americans. We traveled to London in 1986, just as airports tightened security after terrorist attacks and bombings.

We were waiting in the Customs line with our passports when security guards carrying sub-machine guns encircled us. They separated us from astonished bystanders and motioned for us to follow them into an interrogation room. (I knew my husband was an American Asshole but didn't expect the Brits to kill him for it).

We were seated in a small room and people were staring in the windows. Our kids looked like they were ready to throw up and I was doing my best to calm Mt. Vesuvius before he spewed profanities and security guards riddled our bodies with bullets. A British officer entered the room accompanied by two guards with guns over their shoulders. The officer was holding a manila envelope with a tell-tale bulge in the center. He carefully and slowly opened the envelope and retrieved, you guessed it: a toy gun.

Yea. Don't give your kids toy pistols if you're traveling overseas.

The three of us turned towards the shortest kid in the room, who happened to be focused intently on the floor, merging with the linoleum. He didn't say a word, he'd probably swallowed his tongue. "Is that your gun?" I asked. "The one we told you NOT to bring in your suitcase? The one we told you to leave at home?" (making sure the officer knew we'd done our parental duty and if someone had to pay for this crime, we were willing to sacrifice our son).

My stern voice convinced the kid to confess. Yes, he had packed his gun even though his mother told him not to and could he please have it back 'cuz it was a wild west six shooter special cap-gun. It had sound effects. The officer ignored his request but I noticed a slight grin on his face. "I'm sealing your gun in this security envelope," he said. "Your parents can pick it up at the baggage claim. And never," he lowers his voice, "disobey your parents again." It takes a tribe to raise a kid these days. 

If you go to London, be sure to look for a vintage envelope going round and round the luggage carousel!



Happy Mother's Day everyone!

Hugs,
CZ




12 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. It was fun to write about the crazy things kids do. I also enjoyed writing about a "non-N" mother's reactions when her children embarrassed her in public. Imagine how a narcissistic mother would react if her child acted as if she'd been abused? When my kids and I talk about "the early years", I think about what it might have been like if both their parents were narcissists. We learn about narcissism and life is never the same again.

      Hugs,
      CZ

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  2. Hi CZ,
    Thank you for sharing the three stories. I appreciate seeing the many sides to parenting. Happy Mother's Day!

    Hugs,
    TR

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, it's been a blast reviewing my early mothering and truly appreciating myself for the first time ever. I took it for granted that "all mothers" shifted their parenting to meet the needs of an individual child. Being accommodating was great for children even if it got me in trouble with an exploitative man.

      I hope other mothers will read my entry and feel better about themselves. It's hard enough partnering with a narcissistic spouse but then we feel guilty for not being able to fix a partner's negative impact on the kids. It's too easy to get stuck in self-blame and completely miss the good things we did that had a lasting impact on our children. I rely on my kids to bring up stories like these two vignettes and then I feel inspired to write them down before I forget completely!

      Thanks for reading and laughing with me, TR!

      Hugs,
      CZ

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  3. Hi CZ, you are SUCH a wonderful mother to your kids. Way beyond "good enough." Your daughter is understandably struggling with a huge change in condition, and the depression and inner "messaging" system the culture installs only makes that harder. But look at the care, comfort, shelter, love, support, daily kindnesses and connection you have with her, as well as the others in your household. As for the stories, this made me laugh out loud: "(I knew my husband was an American Asshole but didn't expect the Brits to kill him for it)." Happy Mother's Day to YOU. love ya CS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never ever saw myself as a wonderful mother, just an average one. Most of my friends were stay-at-home Moms, too and we were notorious for undervaluing our lives. Now that we've uncovered the "narcissistic mother", it's made me realize the importance of instinctively loving mothers. We see the LOUSY mothers and we see the narcissistic ones who set themselves up as role models (The Tiger Mom phenomenon). But there are millions of mothers like myself and we will never be featured on Oprah. Moms like me are not a rarity--I think we're so common people don't even see us. I'm glad to have the space to write about my very ordinary life and the extremely ordinary way I loved (and love) my children.

      Hugs
      CZ

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  4. Such awesome read! You made my day! Being raised by a Narc mom, it can be a bit rudderless when you become a mom yourself and are constantly pulled down by your own mother for not being a 'great mom' like her. Your blogs n stories reiterate my belief that being an ordinary, human, imperfect and loving mother is the best gift I can give to my daughter. I just had this realization a few months ago and am finally relaxing into the kind of mother I naturally am.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh how wonderful to read your comment, Chhandra! Thank you so much...what you've said is exactly how I hoped my stories would be read. Mothers come under so much criticism and scrutiny, that it's nerve-wracking wondering if you'll do something so wrong that your child will never get over it. Well, my children are grown and they not only "got over" the stupid things I did as a young mother, they love me for NOT being perfect. I hope this gives everyone hope to simply love your children as best you can and relax into being the kind of mother you naturally are.

    Even women who grew up with narcissistic mothers can become awesome mothers themselves--if they let their hearts take lead.

    Hugs,
    CZ

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  6. "Even women who grew up with narcissistic mothers can become awesome mothers themselves--if they let their hearts take the lead" I LOVE THIS!!! I am a recovering daughter of a NM and worry that my parenting was not good because I didn't feel good enough about myself for them. But I did have the most unconditional love for my babies (3 of them) right at the moment they were born and I swore that if I just held them and loved them and cuddled with them when they were babies, that it would somehow trump the big parenting mistakes I made on them when they were in their teenage years.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Recovering Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother! It's nice to meet you. <3 Thanks so much for reading my stories and commenting. I wasn't sure if anyone would be interested in my life as a young mother so it's been very gratifying to hear from people like yourself. I wanted people to know that raising children isn't a perfect science and we WILL make lots of mistakes. ACoNs seem to excel at "beating themselves up" and holding themselves to impossible standards! A good word here and there is sorely needed in the ACoN community...parents are so frequently criticized. What's remarkable is that so many of us want to give our children a better life and become better parents rather than simply repeating the same behaviors we learned from our parents. I marvel at human being's ability to introspect and reflect and change their behavior!

      Thanks for stopping by---Happy Mothering to you!
      CZ

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  7. CZ -- When I am feeling low, or sad, or upset, or triggered, I come home to your blogs, the forum, your stories, your support, your art, and your humour...It's very healing for me. I just wanted you to know that you are very appreciated here. Sincerely, Persephone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you...thank you so much! I wonder sometimes, if my blog and forum are making any difference and then I trust my instinct to keep doing what I've been doing and voila---you appear! Thank you for encouraging me to keep writing and connecting with people all over this lovely world.

      There are days when my anxiety fans the flames of fear. Fears about finances, fears about Trump, fears about Healthcare and other REALITY-BASED fears that can't be easily dismissed with poem or a song or a lecture by Maya Angelou. (I love Maya so much...she is my role model when times get tough). Reading the forum and putting myself in other people's shoes, restores my strength and hope and vision. Empathy is good for everyone, not just the person being empathized with!

      Thanks for being here and for empathizing with my struggles and successes!

      Love
      CZ

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